To think I'm not doing my son a disservice?

[pizzafrenchfries]

Have name changed for this as very identifying...

Before I had my son I was a professional trainer in a sporting field - now I've had my son that career really does not suit family life (I knew before I had him that I would need to make some changes) I went back to study a professional legal qualification, starting almost immediately after I had him as it was something I needed to do to support us. It was hard at first, but my OH was incredibly supportive and he's been a relatively easy baby (I study in the evenings when he's in bed or when he is napping) I spend one day a week at uni, where my
Mil looks after him (she volunteered to do this for which I am very grateful but if we needed to put him into nursery we could)

Anyway I regularly go to a baby yoga group and last week we were all discussing our births- I said I'd had an emergency c section. At the end of the class the instructor took me
Aside and said she could now see why I was struggling to bond with my son (I didn't think I was) due to the c section and she'd hoped the classes would have meant i would have eventually bonded with him and thus given up on law as I wouldn't feel the need to look else where to feel complete. I was completely shocked and managed to say I hadn't failed to bond with my son and left.

When I got home I spoke to my MIL about it who actually agreed with the instructor and said I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere. This came as a complete shock as I thought she supported me. She also dropped in a few things about how I focused too much on my appearance (I just jog everyday with a running buggy) and needed to spend more time with my son one on one.

After reading a thread on here about working and having a newborn baby I'm now completely questioning everything! Just to make it clear I have an undergrad degree and I find law easy so I don't feel that I am pursuing something unattainable! My partner works flexible hours and I was completely happy with how it was going- but now I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing?! Help!

Find a lovely nursery for your child, OP, and minimise contact with this toxic MIL.

And I say that as a 65 year old grandmother and MIL, the daughter of a working mother, who myself studied when dd was a baby and whose Mexican MIL, who was a fulltime SAHM never ever said anything like that about looking after my dd so that I could attend classes.

Ok sorry, accidentally commented without reading full thread (not something I usually do) and missed the text from MIL.

How. Fucking. Dare. She.

I am LIVID on your behalf.

All the previous posters who thought it might be worth considering their outrageous comments, have a good read of that text. Sexism, ladies and gentlemen.

You definitely don't need to engage with that bullshit. Let her son speak to her.

That's outrageous. You are not teenagers, you are an adult couple with a child. She needs to take her beak out. And you definitely need to show your DH the text.

BTW my DH was the champion nappy changer. He did the dreadful spinach and fish nappy that DD1 is famous for. Without flinching.

I've just read that text out loud to my husband - I'm virtually speechless. Why does she think it's ok to say that?
I simply cannot believe how other people feel its ok to comment on an individual's choices....for what it's worth, I work full-time and have ever since I returned from maternity leave when my first child was 8 months old ( I won't bother repeating the comments I have received for this). It's irrelevant whether someone stays at home, or works part-time, or full-time - as long as that arrangement suits them and their children are looked after, who fucking cares!?!
I'm so sick of hearing and seeing people blaming, and being blamed for the choices they make. No one 'wins', everyone ends up struggling with guilt, regardless. Wouldn't it be better generally to just accept and support each other?

Really sorry you have had this experience, as a yoga teacher I wonder if your yoga teacher is qualified at all. I know of at least 2 "teachers" around here that do not have any teaching qualifications, but advertise themselves as such. Ask to see a copy of their certs. No real teacher would mind that. In over 10 years and not once has anyone asked if I have a qualification or insurance.

Can't think of an occasion it would be A. appropriate and B. any of my business to say something like this to a student.

How on earth does saying that sort of thing help? Talk about bringing you down.

Sounds like a twisted power trip from both of them. Some women are so threatened by other women's lives they feel a need to put them down. Really pisses me off as if we don't have enough to put up with without judging each other on choices that are nobody else's business.

It sounds as though you are in a really good place, with career, baby and DH. Good luck with the studying. If anyone says anything like this again and they might, have a come back for it. Ask if they wish they had done something more with their lives.

Holy Fucking Shit

How fucking DARE she?!?????

Definitely the time for nursery and direct her to dh. I would be utterly incandescent

Fwiw going back to work saved my sanity a million fold - and that's only 3 days a week. Full time with ds and I would lose my shit

"None of this was said at any point over lunch! (My husband was there)"
Very telling that she didn't say that in front of him - she presumably knew he'd tell her to butt out. Well, I would just pass my phone to my husband on his return from the pub, let him read it, let it sink in. Then you and he discuss what you both want to do. I'd suggest he phones her up to discuss her text, whilst you start searching for a good nursery.

You and your husband are happy with how you are doing things. That is what is important. Your MIL's sly bitterness should not be allowed to affect that. But she needs to be told to get a grip, and she needs to be told that by her son.

Thinking about it, you're doing the opposite of doing him a disservice. I firmly believe that it's good for dc to see both mummy and daddy working and having a life outside of the house. If nothing else it contributes to eradicating the crap that is gender inequality

Well it can be the case that new mums who can't cope without having all their time structured may be struggling. I'm not saying you are but two people who see you regularly have queried if everything is alright... So maybe something to think about.
When your DS gets a bit bigger you may find it hard to be doing activities all the time (possibly including the running) which can be a difficult adjustment if you're used to being very busy.
How does your DH feel about what your MIL said?

Oh my gosh, I am insulted for you! Your MIL needs a slap with 2017!

I'm sure your husband didn't marry you cause he wanted a clone of his mum, and she needs to be told this. He married a strong willed, educated, career focus woman. Now you've had a child you are not erasing your traits to suit his bloody mum!

Your child will look up to you. Stay who you are.

And tell MIL to fuck off

When your DS gets a bit bigger you may find it hard to be doing activities all the time (possibly including the running) which can be a difficult adjustment if you're used to being very busy

I honestly don't understand this comment. Why would an older ds be more problematic and even if that were the case, are you suggesting that the OP stops doing activities now because she might not be able to do them in the future?

I mean that small babies are portable in a way that toddlers aren't. Activities become more difficult as they get older so OP shouldn't be surprised if they need to be cut back as her DS becomes more mobile. It's no harm to be able to spend time at home with your baby without a structured activity.

WHAT? It sounds like total projection. They are projecting their fears and insecurities on to you..... Flipping crazy. It sounds like you are doing great. Ignore them. That would have made me very very angry. Sounds like the studying youre doing is because you love your son, and want to do good by him - ditto jogging makes you a healthier mum. Perhaps they're jealous?

ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon:

The yoga teacher sees her once a week!
And what she trotted out was utterly beryond nonsense. To decide that because she had a c section she hadnt bonded with her baby is unforgivable. She has NO medical experience to comment on ops health or lifestyle. Did she tell all the other mums that they shouldnt look for work after having a baby? I doubt it. What a terrible attitude to have when working with vulnerable new mums. And dont get me started on the vaccinations!

And as for the mil she is an interfering woman stuck in the dark ages. She basically wants 'her son' to be run after by op and for her to be a sahm forever to pander to him and thier son.

There is nothing to stop her continuing with activities when her son is older, toddler groups, swimming groups, etc etc what a strange thing to say. The world doesnt stop when you have a baby. And getting out running when she can (its not even every day) with the baby is good for both of them. If she has to adjust her routine I am sure she is able to do so if and when the time comes, she doesnt have to stop everything now 'just in case'.

OP tell her to stuff her childcare and put your ds in nursery/childminder. That woman is toxic and gawd knows what she will tell him as he grows about 'working mums' not spending time with their kids!

My child went to nursery at 3 months old for four days a week. What poppycock this yoga teacher is spouting. Jeez some people need to get in the real world, the one where mothers have to work

Please tell the baby yoga instructor to fuck off and never speak to any new mothers ever again - they are talking absolute nasty nonsense.

Same with MIL.

Your MIL has it the wrong way round. It's because she prioritised her sons and husband at the expense of everything else that she has lost her identity and doesn't know how to not be needed by them and let them be independent. Get your husband on board and formulate a response that has come from both of you. Perhaps suggesting she now seize the opportunity to redefine herself before her relationship with her now adult children suffers. I would also now definitely be putting your child in alternative childcare.
The yoga teacher is batshit. The myth that labour is empowering is total bullshit. It's a potentially life threatening situation we put ourselves though voluntarily. We do this as a result of the biological urge to procreate. Using terms like empowering just makes it seem like a step class and is an attempt to diminish those who haven't had a text book, drug free experience. I suppose it's also an attempt to exert some control over a process we actually have very little control over in reality despite what some books might tell you. Glad to have survived as intact as we make it through, yes. Empowered....no.

It's no harm to be able to spend time at home with your baby without a structured activity

Is that your way of saying that all mothers should just stay indoors with their children??

I would have gone stark staring mad.

When my dd was small I lived in a building with fourteen families of whom only one was a stay-at-home mum and we could all hear how she shouted and screamed at her poor little girl. I am all in favour of these wonderful homemakers who love spending all day every day in the company of their children, but I loath people who think that anyone who isn't like that is a bad mother.

That text is weird, its the minimising infantalising text of a woman who obviously wants everyone back at hers so she can play at being mummy again. With a bit of 50s housewiffery thrown in. Charming in a midsomer murders sort of way....

Please say you are not still giving that yoga teacher your hard earned cash.

Dolores I agree with you. I don't think there's anything intrinsically empowering about childbirth either. Don't let the midwives hear you say that though because a 'negative attitude' will be another thing to blame for a non-textbook childbirth, along with not spending enough time on your hands and knees, and not breathing to the right rhythm/not having the right kind of music on etc.

I don't think anyone can define someone else's birth. I found mine empowering, doesn't mean other people will or should. I think extrapolating from personal experience to all births / babies / families is a dangerous road tbh.

If I applied my knowledge of my babies to the OPs situation I'd assume there was something wrong but I'm not so dim as to think everyone has poorly, high needs babies. Some people manage the OPs lifestyle just fine and some babies positively enjoy the kind of days/activities she describes. I know this on a purely theoretical level!

I think a bit of misguided projection is generally forgivable from family who just want the best for everyone. Hopefully MIL will see her error when the DH speaks to her.

But the yoga teacher...what an idiot.

Well that all kicked off rather massively... so my husband arrived home and I showed him the text - he reacted how I expected (disbelief/anger) and decided he'd give her a call to see what she had to say... when she answered she was really flustered and back tracked quite a lot/ said she didn't say it was impossible to be able to study/mother but she thought it was impossible for me (if this is her softening the blow I dread to think what would happen if she was to be mean...) when my husband asked exactly why she thought that she said she'd noticed i had been falling behind with house work (ok so I don't clean daily but the house is clean but not pristine), she'd noticed the oven was 'filthy' (unlikely it's fairly new and we don't use it that often) and the house wasn't a state she wanted her grandson brought up in (she'd had to go out and buy oven cleaner especially to clean it she's been so worried and she hasn't felt able to tell me because she'd been worried I wouldn't have coped with the confrontation) btw she doesn't cook meals for my son I prepare them so goodness knows what's going on there!

( sidenote: i am a balanced calm person who handles myself well- if
My oven was dirty she could
Simply have said 'pizzafrenchfries I think you need to clean your oven' I might have been a bit taken aback/
Moaned quietly to
My sister but I wouldn't have argued or been rude!)

When my husband pointed out everything I just said (off his own back) she added in she'd found our recycling hidden full of wine bottles and she was worried I was becoming dependent (hidden as in under the patio table, full because we'd been away on the previous recycling day so it was a months full of wine bottles which would have included a birthday dinner party) again all rationally explained... finally (this has a bit of a back story) I went out for lunch with my sister and I moved a pot of tea that had been on the table to make way for our lunch. It was freezing cold as it had been there when we arrived and my son grabbed it before I could stop him and some had ended up on himself.
I've been soaking the top for a few days to try to get rid and I'd remarked offhand to her how hard it was to get tea stains out of fleece (he had a fleecey jumper on) she told my Husband she felt I had made up a back story and had I maybe spilt tea on him and felt I needed to cover it. Followed by a lot of 'we've all made mistakes' (when the tea incident happened I really beat myself up over the fact it could have been hot so it's not like I had let that happen lightly)

Anyway both myself and my husband were fuming at this point and I just said to my husband how I didn't agree at all- anyway she heard me and had obviously assumed I wasn't in the room- so lots of back tracking again and how I was making her out to be the bad person when all she was doing was caring and she knew how hard it was bringing up a child and again how we could always move in with them to help spread the load.

My husband then said 'most people manage to bring up their child between two parents.... some manage on their own so I think we will be just fine thank you.' And then some stuff about how I was doing well etc. anyway she went off
In a huff and hung up!

His dad rang us about half An Hour ago and said she'd asked him to call us to check everything was ok between us all - my husband said he wanted an apology for everything she had implied and our son will be going to be looked after him this week and as I have the next few weeks off after that we will see how everything is then.

PHEW! All from one bitchy comment from a yoga teacher who btw is not qualified as far as I can tell but is a doula and encourages natural childbirth as much as possible!

Have I gone mad? Has she gone mad? Is this a sign of dementia?!

Maybe I should have some wine although... don't want to look like I have a problem!

Wow! I don't know what to say. I am made up your husband stuck up for you.

I gobsmacked that your MIL has been judging you on such pathetic things.