AIBU to want to tell them their child smells?

[morebubblyplease]

DS (8) loves to play with a little 10-year old boy in our street. He comes to our house almost every afternoon and they play football in the street or x-box in the living room. He is sweet, polite and happy and we're very happy to have his company. Problem is that his clothes are often stained and dirty, and more often than not, he smells. My boys don't like going to his house because they say it's messy and smelly and his clothes seem to live on the floor - so I suspect not a lot of washing of clothes happens, which would explain the pong... The smell lingers after he's gone, it's in the car long after we've got back from the park and it makes me wish he'd stop coming round. But that would upset DS and be unfair on the boy as it's not his fault. So what can we do? Sending an anonymous note to his parents seems sly, but neither of us has the guts to tell them... Any suggestions?

Tricky one, OP,

Feel so sorry for him (and every other kid in similar situation).

Kids being kids, getting scruffy and dirty through having fun without fear of ruining immaculate clothes, having otherwise great parents whose housekeeping approach just happens to be different etc....all positives.

Permanently smelling so noticeably bad and other kids avoiding visiting his house, though, already make him very vulnerable to isolation/ bullying.

At age 10, the poor lad probably feels utterly humiliated, and I expect is only too aware. The "sweet, polite and happy" demeanour might well be masking his true feelings, in order to compensate and thus feel accepted by at least you and your DC.

Obviously this is total conjecture and could be far, far wide of the mark, but two things occur to me:

1. If you've chatted with/ spent time at the beach with his Dad, presumably you haven't noticed any similar hygiene/ unwashed clothes issues with him?

Because a filthy house smell (as in warranting serious, constant concerns, not simply different standards of housework or occasional lapses due to illness/ long working hours/ different priorities etc.) tends to permeate everything.

(Once saw at first-hand someone caught in a vicious cycle of tight finances, minor debt, no insurance > stress and other issues > prevented broken washing machine repair > no drier > not able to afford laundrette (or transport there) > overwhelmed by handwashing laundry, so was infrequently done > inadequate heating and only sporadically hot water > damp house > air-dried clothes already smelling mildewy, musty etc. etc.).

So that would imply that the adult here somehow manages to keep himself/ his clothes within a 'normal' range. Assume same with mother? Perhaps only when they're working outside the home, or in the company of non-family members, though.

A kid wouldn't necessarily have the knowledge, means, inclination. If neither parent indicate otherwise then that's become his norm.

1. Some kids just hate the palaver of personal hygiene. His age makes close supervision and parental enforcing of hygiene less likely (especially if they're slacking in that area themselves)...evidence of damp hair and sounds of bathing doesn't always equate to thorough soaping. (It became apparent to a friend that her 11yr DS's 'shower/ hair washing/ teeth brushing' was only a cursory rinse in plain tepid water.).

Deliberately withholding access to clean clothes and baths, on the other hand, is a well-known method of control and abusive behaviour.
Sexual abuse can also be behind children avoiding baths, in extreme cases. Seeing themselves naked and having to touch their own bodies is traumatic, and their hope is that dirt/ smell repels the abuser. Tragic

Agree with PPs...well done for seeking advice from NSPCC.
Professionals would always rather well-meaning members of the public reported, rather than let it go through worry of being deemed interfering. That child's adolescence could turn out a lot happier.

^^Bloody hell...sorry for lengthy essay. My feelings ran away with me

OP - pls report to school safeguarding contact or SS

I was the smelly kid. I was neglected. Never taken to the dentist and serous medical conditions never treated. My mum was on her own, very friendly with school and wanted to be liked. She was neglected and abused herself, was out of her depth and didn't know what she 'should' be doing as a parent. She needed an intervention but was charismatic and no one challenged her. I wish there were one or two neighbours/teachers who had done this for me. My own MH issues may have been prevented, my siblings may have had better outcomes. My DN may have not needed SS interventions if sibling had received help as a child. Neglect is a cycle that ruins the inner core of families for generations.

Please help this child, his children, their children and generations to come. I'm not exaggerating.

As a health care professional, a child being consistently unkempt and dirty is a concern. You don't need to do any digging, investigating or assuming. Leave it to the professionals. You could do this in a number of ways -contact a health visitor at the local GP, mention it to his teacher, or call social work. You might well be adding to a long list of concerns that taken collectively are significant.

If so then surely his teachers will be aware of the problem, wouldn't they have said something to his parents?
They likely already have. Unfortunately, poor hygiene/bad smell alone isn't enough for a referral to SS unless the parents want help sorting it. It may however be part of a bigger picture that school may be aware of.

A 10 year old boy would not appreciate smellies as a gift. It does sound concerning that his clothes are stained and dirty as well but not sure how one would go about broaching it with the parents? Perhaps an anonymous call to SS just saying you are worried about his hygiene and maybe his parents need some support? Having said that, SS can be awful to parents who are struggling. Really difficult to know what to do. That poor boy.

I'm still here and reading every post. He's actually outside right now kicking a ball with ds, wearing the same stained top and traccy bottoms he was wearing yesterday 😢 I'm going to mull over everything and make some calls tomorrow.

Btw, I know low paid jobs don't mean neglected children and I now wonder why I mentioned it. I suppose it felt like part of the bigger picture and I do think everything is harder if you've got money worries. We live in a rough street in a socially deprived seaside town and many people are having a tough time. Still not sure why I'm mentioning it tbh... Thanks again for all the advice and suggestions.

Rhoda that made me well up. Your parents did a wonderful thing and sound lovely!

Shona. Well you should be ashamed of yourself then!

Bob I agree, with everything you said and I am so sorry you went through that.

I think the little lad is lucky to have you OP. You may well be the only person interested in his welfare.

To those saying dirty clothes, dirty bedding, dirty home isn't neglect , that shows your standards. Ffs we have pets and they are immaculate, clean beds, bathed and groomed, etc. regular medical check ups, dental care. Just as we did for our all our DC. Because when you are responsible for a life, child or animal, that is how it should be.

I was thinking about this last night and it's not always about money. Neglect is anywhere and everywhere. Years ago we knew a very wealthy couple, massive house. They had 3 children. They were minted. They were homeschooled so no social interaction really. That showed. The children were dressed in clothes too tight or far too big,, holes in etc sand they were aways dirty. They did indeed smell , the girls hair was always filthy , the boy too. Yet the mother and father wore very expensive clothes and were always immaculate. They were not nasty to their children at all , just didn't provide more than the very basics. I.e. Food and a roof over their heads.

The children never it seemed cleaned their teeth and had terrible teeth because of that. Well somebody felt strongly enough to report it, I wish I had .They practically laughed that CPS were called but nothing happened and they continued on like that, the children are grown up now and I often wonder what became of them . Very sad.

I think you sound lovely op good luck helping the lad.

Raccoon you're just being super-weird and annoying now.

Well done on ignoring, OP.

I think you're doing the right thing in raising it with someone, OP. Under the circumstances you've described, we should all feel it's ok to ring SS and/or NSPCC and say "I'm worried about a child". That at least puts your concerns into the hands of someone who will know what to do and might be able to join up the dots with any other agencies that might already be involved.