Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to tell them their child smells?

186 replies

morebubblyplease · 11/02/2017 23:19

DS (8) loves to play with a little 10-year old boy in our street. He comes to our house almost every afternoon and they play football in the street or x-box in the living room. He is sweet, polite and happy and we're very happy to have his company. Problem is that his clothes are often stained and dirty, and more often than not, he smells. My boys don't like going to his house because they say it's messy and smelly and his clothes seem to live on the floor - so I suspect not a lot of washing of clothes happens, which would explain the pong... The smell lingers after he's gone, it's in the car long after we've got back from the park and it makes me wish he'd stop coming round. But that would upset DS and be unfair on the boy as it's not his fault. So what can we do? Sending an anonymous note to his parents seems sly, but neither of us has the guts to tell them... Any suggestions?

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 12/02/2017 00:25

I am asking why the OP has waited until now to worry about the welfare of a child.

I have not accused the OP of anything so no need to report her AYan

Original poster
morebubblyplease · 12/02/2017 00:26

AYankin I think I love you😉

OP posts:
CaraAspen · 12/02/2017 00:27

Sounds like a Count Olaf set-up.

mrslaichaoui · 12/02/2017 00:27

Honestly, I would either speak to the child's school or your local children's service. No-one knows what's going on in the home and it at least requires some further assessment so the family can have extra support if needed. I would say to speak to parents but this may send them on the defensive and isolate the child further if they stop him coming round and also there will be no-one there to keep an eye on things. It can wait until Monday in my experience it wouldn't be a case that would be rushed out on. I know it's a poor situation for the child but generally neglect is not considered an imminent risk to the child xx

CaraAspen · 12/02/2017 00:27

Crumbs post.

SemiNormal · 12/02/2017 00:28

The only one trying to sound superior is you RacoonBandit - I think everyone got your point the first 5 times you commented if you've nothing else to add then why not go find a different thread to hang off? especially as you're so suspicious of this one.

RacoonBandit · 12/02/2017 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YouHadMeAtCake · 12/02/2017 00:29

Oh give it a rest bandit you're just enjoying a dig. OP posted on a Saturday night not a Friday, not that it's even relevant and she clearly posted out of concern because it's obviously been playing on her mind as it would anyone normal

Haffiana · 12/02/2017 00:31

It seems from what you post that it is the father who is mostly looking after this child for whatever reason. Therefore it is possibly unsurprising that the child's clothing is unwashed. My husband has never been able to tell clean clothes from dirty ones unless it is mingingly obvious, and after 20-odd years of marriage still doesn't understand why I wash stuff 'so much'. We have well paid jobs blah blah but yes, if he had been the one in charge of laundry and getting our kids dressed and sent to school, they would probably have been in dirty clothes. Possibly very dirty clothes.

You have clearly stated that the child seems clean himself - just his clothes are not washed. Since there is no indication that the child is neglected, then I cannot see how it can be inferred from dirty clothes that there are any issues or -ffs- that SS needs to be informed. I have read threads in this forum from parents who (stridently) don't bath their kids regularly, who take them home from swimming lessons in their night clothes and all sorts of lifestyle stuff that I would never do personally, but I would NEVER assume that they are not loved and cared for.

From what you say of the father, he is a Dad doing his best.

RacoonBandit · 12/02/2017 00:31

Yeah child welfare concerns dont stick in peoples minds till late at night on a weekend. Her child has played there lots but it only bothers her now.

SemiNormal · 12/02/2017 00:32

Semi. You are ordering me off a thread...now who sounds superior - I asked why don't you go find a different thread, hardly ordering you is it FFS.

RacoonBandit · 12/02/2017 00:33

Passive aggressive suggestion really.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 12/02/2017 00:33

It's a real taboo saying that another person smells. At school we do deal with it. But it's awkward. We say (which is true) that kids can be quite cruel and he will start being the butt of jokes. I've also said that I think their child might be taking his uniform from the dirty pile and not the clean pile, knowing pretty well that there is unlikely to be a clean pile, but hopefully saving some embarrassment.

CaraAspen · 12/02/2017 00:34

"RacoonBandit

As isnt working but I would guess this is OPs first post."

So what? Everyone who posts has to make a first post. The OP sounds perfectly fine to me whereas you, on the other hand...

MommaGee · 12/02/2017 00:34

raccoon lots of people toy with the threshold for reporting concerns to SS. Op has indicated there's np immediate danger so she doesn't need to make an emergency call. instead ahea asking for advice on the beat way to tackle it.

Hardly toying with his welfare

OopsDearyMe · 12/02/2017 00:35

In your world bandit maybe, but other people may want to take time to consider their actions, not sure what you're getting out of being a dick, but go FO please and leave this OP alone !!!
If your worried about what might happen if you contact social services. Don't ! Most councils have an early help team that have no powers, but come in and guide parents who may be struggling in whatever way to deal with any issues. They are not child services and can only refer to them if they have serious concerns.
I can see that you know its not an emergency and want to do the right thing. As other people have said it really needs an outside agency to help.
Also just be a friend to the child and keep encouraging your sons to be kind and supportive. Maybe offer a sleepover and have him wash etc, sending him back clean might help send a message.

Oh and just don't ris to the baiting going on, clearly some have been on the ale and are just spoiling for a fight.

RacoonBandit · 12/02/2017 00:35

Report me Cara if i bother you so much.

DelphineCormier · 12/02/2017 00:37

On a more constructive note, I second the swimming suggestion. You want stuff that addresses the issue without causing him embarrassment by being obvious about it. If primary I'm guessing there aren't showers for students to use at school?

OopsDearyMe · 12/02/2017 00:40

I get why people are being defensive, but if you're suffering with a mental health crisis, cleanliness is not always a priority. I have PTSD and I personally go the other way.But when you are in the frame of mind in which you want to sleep endlessly, or become lethargic it can play a part so I get where the MH idea comes from.

Others are right though, a low paid job, doesn't mean you can't be clean and tidy and ensure your child's needs are being met. Maybe they are lazy slobs! Who knows. But its not yours or our place to speculate. Whatever reason the only option is SS or the school.

RacoonBandit · 12/02/2017 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MouseClogs · 12/02/2017 00:42

Raccoon, people in all manner of situations often run things past other people - strangers, friends, loved ones, professionals - before making a decisive action.

In this instance, OP knows that there is a possibility this child is genuinely being neglected in a broader sense than just mucky clothes, but also knows there's a possibility (however slim) that this has some far more innocent explanation and that getting Social Services involved is not something that is generally done lightly, or always completely without consequences where none are called for.

I'd be highly suspicious of the judgment of anyone that DIDN'T run this past other people first. The benefit of a forum is that the OP can not only retain the anonymity of her family and the other family, but she can get a much wider cross section of responses.

I've no idea why you are struggling so much to understand that in a dilemma whereby the causal problem is indistinct, ploughing in without thinking twice, thrice, four times is just downright stupid.

Original poster
morebubblyplease · 12/02/2017 00:42

I'm trying not to rise to Racoon's fuckwittery. But I love you all for doing so.

And the advice keeps coming. I am taking it all in. And he will continue to be welcome in our home, no matter what.

OP posts:
MouseClogs · 12/02/2017 00:45

Also, Raccoon, one minute you're castigating the OP for being nosy and judgmental and the next you're castigating her for not getting involved ENOUGH.

For anyone to judge a situation to be potentially or obviously harmful, they have to pass some kind of judgment. By definition.

The OP has met this child's family, her child has spent time at their home and their child is over at theirs regularly. That's more than enough information to be concerned, but being concerned does not always warrant taking active and potentially destructive steps straight away.

RacoonBandit · 12/02/2017 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ncpg53 · 12/02/2017 00:47

Op please contact someone, speak up by the voice that boy needs.

I was that little boy. My parents neglected me, were violent and emotionally abusive but to the outside world nobody knew. I was polite, well mannered and achieved well in school.

But I wore unwashed stained clothes, I smelled, I was bathed because what image my well dressed upstanding pillars of society parents portrayed wasn't what happend at home. I was too scared to speak up, too young to know any different. Nobody helped me.

I'm positive teachers noticed or friends parents noticed they couldn't have failed to but if they did nobody mentioned it and it went unreported and my life was hell until I ran out the door to university. I felt failed by all of the adults in my life.

Please report it don't fail this child. You report it and there's nothing wrong that's fine no harm done but maybe just maybe this boy and his parents need help and support.