AIBU to want to tell them their child smells?

[morebubblyplease]

DS (8) loves to play with a little 10-year old boy in our street. He comes to our house almost every afternoon and they play football in the street or x-box in the living room. He is sweet, polite and happy and we're very happy to have his company. Problem is that his clothes are often stained and dirty, and more often than not, he smells. My boys don't like going to his house because they say it's messy and smelly and his clothes seem to live on the floor - so I suspect not a lot of washing of clothes happens, which would explain the pong... The smell lingers after he's gone, it's in the car long after we've got back from the park and it makes me wish he'd stop coming round. But that would upset DS and be unfair on the boy as it's not his fault. So what can we do? Sending an anonymous note to his parents seems sly, but neither of us has the guts to tell them... Any suggestions?

Racoon You sound bitter?? Are you concerned that you may be involved in this?? I'm just not sure why you're being so defensive??? Nobody has mentioned names so you have no idea who exactly the OP is referring to??

OP I think you're right to get the wee boy some help, it does come across that you are genuinely concerned for his welfare.
However, being in low paid jobs is not a barrier to keeping your child clean and making sure their clothes are clean. Believe me, I managed for years.

Low paid jobs - doesn't mean people can't keep clean, but does often mean parent might have to work longer hours maybe so less time for housework or cleaning maybe?

I would report also to somebody, then they can be checked out and if no issues be left, or helped if needed.
I know I would be pleased someone was looking out and concerned enough for my children to have reported if social services of some sort arrived at my door.

I work in a school in a very deprived area and this is a common problem for us. At least 3 or 4 children in every class exhibit this aspect of neglect. Home visits usually show evidence of very chaotic lives , often substance abuse and a general lack of any structure. I would imagine the boys school are aware of it and the family is on SS register already but they are so horribly overstretched that less urgent cases get overlooked.

This is enough for a safeguarding referral. Contact school/social services

I have friends and family who live like this there is no neglect, the kids are totally catered to, they just live differently, when we were kids we loved going to the dirty smelly house as the parents were great fun, my mum always said we'd smell afterwards, they were actually my mum's cousins but she didn't stop us going, the parents were amazing people, they just didn't care about cleanliness. Now my dds cousin lives like this, more a hoarder and filthy house than dirty people though, her clothes smell a bit when she comes home but she loves going there, and again everything revolves around the child. Housework is not on their list of priorities. Don't jump to conclusions about neglect or MH. Both of these families have helped us out in numerous ways over the years, smelly and dirty they may be but I've never met anyone else like them for compassion and understanding.

Bousework isnt top of my list of priorities either and i live in a child-centric house. But the cleaning and eashing still gets done. not washing your children or their clothes is still very much neglect

That poor little boy and his parents . It sounds as though the parents are just not coping and maybe one of them is suffered from depression. I think it is the right thing to do to contact social services. Perhaps the parents just need some help?

Yes good idea to speak to SS. If there are no concerns for them, no harm done. If there are, they can put support in place to help the parents and improve the child's quality of life.

I'd be tempted to talk to the school personally, I'd maybe feel SS was a bit heavy handed, it's a difficult one OP, well done for not 'leaving well alone'

More SS will know if there is more issues, if someone hadn't reported my youngest DD's Dad for a different issue I wouldn't of known there was anything wrong.

Sometimes all the small things add up.

I've not read the whole thread but school may already be on the case so a direct report to social services may help the family get the support they need.

There is a child in our school who smells like a homeless person. And yes I know what a homeless person smells like because of a job I once had (Vick's smeared under the nose used to help.)

I reported the smell to more senior staff who are designated safeguarding leaders and school are already in contact with social services over this child's welfare. Another voice from outside school adding their concerns may be what the case needs to tip it over.

As children get older they are less kind, so I would want this dealt with now.

Gosh Racoon how's your head today? It will be pretty painful when you fall from the high horse you've been gallivanting around on!!

OP I hope you've been able to get to all the helpful comments amongst the goady unnecessary nastiness!

Please keep us updated as to what social services advise!

OP, thank you for caring about this child. May I please offer a perspective as ahead teacher? Please do report your concerns. This could be to the school or to social services and would be treated with complete confidence. Other posters are correct-dirty clothes does not automatically indicate an awful homelife or severe neglect: we all have different levels of what we find acceptable and perhaps this family don't feel as though their child is particularly dirty. Equally, maybe in spite of their jobs they have very little money and have not been able to replace a fault washing machine. Or, perhaps, this child is not looked after well in other ways. You don't know. I don't know. However, reporting things allows all of the information about one child to be gathered and looked at as one 'big picture.' One report of dirty clothes and no other questionable reports is unlikely to lead to any major consequences for the family in terms of contact from ss but it could be that the school also has concerns, and perhaps another neighbour has reported other concerns and so on. If everybody thinks somebody will help him, nobody will help him (if, indeed, he does need help). Please help to paint the bigger picture of this child for the people that can provide support and guidance if it is needed.

I'd contact the school he goes to. If may be be there are concerns already. They won't be able to tell you but they can note what you've reported.

It's a very fine line the neglect V standards.
Some people really do just have different priorities.

Hi OP are you still on the thread? You should call his school. Don't contact the parents because it will only make things difficult between you - there is no nice way to tell someone they aren't taking good care of their child! Also, you said he is well mannered and a nice boy so they are clearly doing a lot of things right.
Contact the school please.

I think the NSPCC sounds a really good option.

They work with families and are discreet and supportive.

It sounds as though your son's friend is happy and healthy - just scruffy!

Maybe his parents are loving but feckless - perhaps they didn't have good parental models themselves; maybe he doesn't have many clothes to change into and his parents are exhausted and proud down by hard work and low pay; maybe they don't have a working washing machine.

I think NSPCC would be my first port of call - they will be able to judge whether is is necessary to get the SS involved.

Do you have a tumble drier?
Maybe you could engineer a situation where you will propose to wash his clothes (and dry them) before he leaves?
Or propose him some clothes from your dcs so he can get change until you have done the washing?

Ss leave vulnerable kids with abusive parents in clean houses and call it poor parenting, I wouldn't hold out much hope in that direction. Although like others have said it can't hurt can it? And if they do need help they might be glad of the intervention, in the meantime Visit the family yourself, and get a feel for their lifestyle, if they're just grotty but fairly normal you'll know it and then you'll just have to let it go. Different strokes for different folks.

I would not say anything.

Glad that you are going to speak to nspcc and ss it is staggering that so many have told you to mind your own business. This is the exact reason why neglect etc continues to go on.
If these parents have just let things slip off the spectrum of what is within the bounds of acceptable care and there are no other concerns they will be given advice/support to make changes. If there are deeper problems than that they will also get support this is a win win for this little boy.

I would be very wary about engineering situations where this boy is required to remove clothes/shower...this could be misconstrued, but swimming sounds good.

Glad you are going to do something to help the boy OP

Cannot understand anyone who says leave the situation alone

Hope that you get somewhere with social services. I wonder if you could maybe teach him to use the washing machine under the guise of teaching your children.

Make a bit of a thing that your kids need to do some chores before they can play, maybe suggest this boy could help for a minute to make it faster. collect their clothes together to wash and show them how to put it on etc etc

Possibly suggest how nice it might be for him to help his mum out with the washing?

Teaching him to use the washer, easy/cheap cooking ideas etc is a good idea under the pretence that you are teaching your son some independence

My DH was never taught these skills till he moved in with me as he was a 'boy' and his DM didn't think it was his role in life to do these things (she was a SAHM)