AIBU to want to tell them their child smells?

[morebubblyplease]

DS (8) loves to play with a little 10-year old boy in our street. He comes to our house almost every afternoon and they play football in the street or x-box in the living room. He is sweet, polite and happy and we're very happy to have his company. Problem is that his clothes are often stained and dirty, and more often than not, he smells. My boys don't like going to his house because they say it's messy and smelly and his clothes seem to live on the floor - so I suspect not a lot of washing of clothes happens, which would explain the pong... The smell lingers after he's gone, it's in the car long after we've got back from the park and it makes me wish he'd stop coming round. But that would upset DS and be unfair on the boy as it's not his fault. So what can we do? Sending an anonymous note to his parents seems sly, but neither of us has the guts to tell them... Any suggestions?

Ah gotta love the selective post answering Bandit you just ignore what you know you can't answer

Just gone back and seen the twat question sorry I missed it before.

I didnt say anyone had called me a twat. I never accused anyone of calling me a twat.

I ad libbed but never said anyone called me a twat. That ok for you? Or does that piss on your superior chips of me not answering you?

You said twice yet i am a twat for making assumptions well, they do say if the cap fits...

PS. I don't eat chips.

Maybe it's a projection thing? You feel like a twat so you just sort of wrote it?

Any way op, I'm glad you're not going to do nothing. Hopefully there will be positive interventions and things will improve :)

I wouldn't talk to the parents in your position, because there's a risk they'll stop the boy coming round to see you, which he obviously enjoys.

NSPCC or Social Services could make enquiries at the school to see if there are any concerns. He may even already have a social worker if the family have any problems. (I'm not saying they necessarily do).

I don't see why it's odd that you don't know the parents very well - our son had a best friend round the corner from us and they were always at one or the other house for a couple of years, but we only knew the parents to talk to in the street.

Sometimes this is a sign of not coping/neglect and sometimes people really have a different threshold or sense for this sort of thing than the rest of us. I stayed with relatives who are unbelievably together - tough jobs and very politically active - and their home was literally a shit heap. Maybe I'm being thick, but if this boy is 10/11 and he's going on to secondary school, he's going to have to be more independent soon anyway. If he's at your house every day could you or one of your kids talk to him about giving you some of his washing to do? or perhaps you'd rather not take this on. I know this probably isn't feasible, but just had to mention it. Feel so sorry for him, he's doing well to maintain friendships. I'm always sorry for the kid who no one wants to sit next to because they smell.

I was even thinking could you show him how to do the washing and give him some detergent. His home might have a washer. That works. I expect to be shot down in flames for this, but was just thinking of the PPs who said they knew they were smelly and neglected. Wonder what they think to this idea.

Voldemortsnose I think I probably would have been a little embarrassed initially, but I would have been incredibly grateful for something like that once I was over it. Which would have been very quickly if someone had taken the time to let me take control myself. Only thing I would want to be careful about is making sure the other child doesn't blurt out to the dad that the OP taught him. Although I imagine it's pretty plausible for a child that age to work it out solo.

My DParents realised that some of their family members were a bit crazy as parents. They never went as far as to say 'neglect' but that was their concern. The kids were the same ages as me and Dsis, so my parents offered to have them for 'a little holiday' as they lived quite far away (hence why no one had noticed the problem). In that week they were taught how to wash themselves as they were filthy, and to wash and iron the dirty clothes they turned up in. They were introduced to stuff like fresh fruit and veg and pure fruit juices for the first time and me and Dsis weren't allowed to complain if they drank all the juice or ate all the fruit - DM just went and bought more. When DM was questioned as to why she did all this by the parents, she claimed she ran a tight ship and expected clean, well presented and self sufficient children. The first two were true enough but she never expected me and DSis to wash and iron because she was doing it for us - in fact we learned alongside that week.

Years later the kids credit my DParents for helping them when it was most needed (heading into puberty/secondary school) and this is evidenced in how they are with their own kids now - providing all the things their parents didn't. They are NC with their parents after realising they were in fact emotionally abused as well (something we never knew).

If you were closer to this boy I'd suggest some of the stuff that's been mentioned here, but I don't know how possible it is to do this without seeming like a busybody.

One thing you could do is call you local NHS school nursing team. If you tell them your concerns then they can do am unannounced welfare check on him at school, especially if school already has flagged him with them. As he's in Yr6 this wouldn't be out of the ordinary as he'll be due to be weighed and measured for the NCMP this year anyway.

*crappy not crazy!

First thought is parents have MH issues, probably depression caused or made worse by financial problems.

My guess is they are skimping on washing powder and electricity.

They should be able make ends meet, just about any way, with tax credits, housing benefits etc if they need those. So i can only guess they are in heavy debt relative to their income.

I do wonder if the problem is something as basic as not having a working washing machine. Lugging washing for three people to a laundrette is hard work and expensive.

A child smelling and being dirty IS a sign that he or she may be neglected, obviously

I would probably go round there, see the living situation for myself. Children say 'there are lots of clothes on the floor' when they mean there is barely an inch of floor visible!

Surprised there are so many 'mind your own business' comments on here. MN is usually more interventionist!

sigh another day, another thread asking for advice and another case of racoon arguing with posters for the sake of it. I feel for you. Good on OP for ignoring goadiness, have you decided what to do?

Morning. Thank you for all the suggestions. I'm going to see if there's a number for social services where you can get advice. I don't know if they would be able to even say if the child was already known to them, but it seems that I should start there.
My sense is they're a struggling family trying their best and I don't want to demonise them but I think I'd be failing a little boy by not taking this further.

who take them home from swimming lessons in their night clothes and all sorts of lifestyle stuff that I would never do personally

Genuine question, what's wrong with that?

I think someone (above) suggested giving him a change of clothes and washing his? If they are done by the time he is to go home, maybe accompany him and say you washed his clothes as it looked like there were a few stains and you were doing a wash anything, you hope they didn't mind??? See if they say anything?

If you Google it there is a central duty number for ss where you can make a referral (anonymous if you prefer to not risk the parents stopping their child playing with yours). The number is specific to your county/location hence you needing to Google.

You could also ring the school and ask to.speal to the FLO or pastoral support worker.

Dirty clothes/being smelly is a sign of neglect (of basic needs) but it depends if he is like this all the time or just plays out like this. If he attends school in this was it's likely they will be monitoring.

I would perhaps ring the school and ask to speaks to their DSO.

I was a very smell child. My mum smoked in the house, we had lots of cats and dogs that shit everywhere, we didn't have a washing machine ect.

I was aware I smelt but kind of thought other people didn't notice.

I bloody wish SS did get involved or that the school had spoke to my mum and someone had MADE her see that it was unacceptable.

Can we all just ignore all and any comments RacoonBandit posts please. She'll soon find something else to do.

Delphine and Ncpg43 I was sorry to hear what you went through

Well done OP. If you can't find the right person to talk to in Social Services, tell the NSPCC about the boy and let them deal with it. He needs some help.

Had a similar situation with DD friend years ago not well cared for. Invited to sleepover sent both for bath chucked all clothes in wash had them done and dried ready for next morning. Practical help without reporting. Again I didn't think it was deliberate neglect just a bit disfunctional. Also frequently cooked with her and DD, had her and DD put washing on together etc helped her learn a few practical skills. Not ideal I know but better than making her self conscious about her home life.