AIBU to want to tell them their child smells?

[morebubblyplease]

DS (8) loves to play with a little 10-year old boy in our street. He comes to our house almost every afternoon and they play football in the street or x-box in the living room. He is sweet, polite and happy and we're very happy to have his company. Problem is that his clothes are often stained and dirty, and more often than not, he smells. My boys don't like going to his house because they say it's messy and smelly and his clothes seem to live on the floor - so I suspect not a lot of washing of clothes happens, which would explain the pong... The smell lingers after he's gone, it's in the car long after we've got back from the park and it makes me wish he'd stop coming round. But that would upset DS and be unfair on the boy as it's not his fault. So what can we do? Sending an anonymous note to his parents seems sly, but neither of us has the guts to tell them... Any suggestions?

I don't think you can leave well alone. This is neglect. The reasons are irrelevant to the op or anyone here because we're not in a position to intervene and mitigate or fix the cause.

If you don't feel that you can speak to the parents (which is understandable) then I would have a word with NSPCC.

We could speculate all day about the reasons: mental health problems; lack of money to run washing machine or space to dry clothes; fuel poverty that means even clean clothes still smell because the air is damp and never dries; not having enough money to buy enough clothes to rotate and wash. But none of that changes the fact that this poor boy smells and he smells because his clothes are dirty.

Report to ss . I've done it before to a neighbours child who stunk. Her clothes were caked in snot and she would wear the same ones for days- it was in her hair matted. Ss came out and the child always looked cared for after that. Not the best dressed but at least clean. I wouldn't hesitate to do it again if it happened again

Racoon are you drunk?

Your op reads like you are superior. Sorry

I disagree. From your OP you sound kind and concerned.

Wandering trolley, I don't find this surprising. My DD was friendly with a slightly older girl from a few houses down. They knew each other from school and the older girl often came to play or ask DD to play out. She was in and out of our house daily, and I did not know her parents at all. I knew the dad to say hello to as he did the school runs, but I never chatted to him and wouldn't recognise the mum at all. No idea of their home situation. Child seemed nice, we know other children who were friends with her, she was popular at school, DD liked playing with her, they were either in my house or on the street where I could see them. I didn't feel the need to go and interview her parents.

poor wee lad. I think some people just have different priorities. my stepdads ex wife was a genius scientist and highly regarded in her field. Her house was a shithole, my step-sisters always smelled a bit funky and wore manky clothes.
didnt mean she didnt love them or care for them properly. Im not sure social services would do anything tbh, but no harm in asking advice?

Raccoon....

No but why should that matter Moving i am not the one toying with a childs welfare.

One of the best things about forums like this is that you can anonymously get other people's takes on situations like this.

It's tricky because if you bring it up directly with the parents they may get on the defensive and stop the boy coming around.

I think this would make me so angry though, on behalf of the poor child, that I would probably have to say something. Can you leave the child at your house when your DH is there and go to their house telling them that you've noticed a strong smell and you are not wanting to cause upset but you are concerned about it and are wondering if you can offer support in any way? TBH if they are neglecting his basic hygiene needs so badly, I would not give a shit about upsetting them and would inform them that you will be reporting it to SS if they get antsy about it.

If there are MH issues then support should be in place to enable to child to be properly cared for but it sounds like the Dad is out and about so why isn't he doing it?

No hot water - unlikely but there are laundrettes.

It is neglect and the old saying about good people doing nothing is very apt and often kids like this grow up into adults wondering why no one noticed or cared enough to help them.

My kids don't go to his house anymore because it is messy. Their word.

Huh?

Unless the parents are hoarders and your kids can't move around the house, why on earth would children stop going to their friend's house, just because it's messy??

Exactly how messy is it?

"We do know they both work in low paid jobs...."

And your point is what exactly? People in "low paid jobs" can afford to shower, I know that must be a massive shock for you but it's true, "poor" people do wash.

Are you genuinely concerned for this child or is it just an attempt for you to belittle others? You say that you don't know the parents well and yet you're able to tell us all what the father does on his days off - Just for the record on my day off (Sunday) I often "just sit in front of the telly"!

It isn't just clothes either, what's his bedroom like, does he have decent bedding,is it washed regularly? Is he taken to a dentist etc. OP has done nothing wrong but yet is still jumped on. Pathetic. Those blind eyes you ostriches turn, that's wrong and you know it.

You are all being so concerned for this childs welfare and calling me a twat yet the 1 person who can actually help this child has waited until

Yesterday 23:19 morebubblyplease

To post about it. Yet her children have been there for play dates many of times

Delphine, I'm so sorry you have been in a similar situation. I will keep looking out for him. Thank you Tali, you've summed it up beautifully. I do wonder why school aren't handling this - unless his school uniform is immaculate; I only see him in civvies.

Messy doesn't necessarily mean clean messy, Worra. Our place was littered with empty cider bottles, dirty clothes etc half the time when I was this age. Other kids never wanted to come over and I stopped inviting them very quickly.

Bandit do tell us how exactly the Op is "toying" with a child's welfare?

Please report to social services - this is neglect - the welfare of children is everybody's responsibility.

As isnt working but I would guess this is OPs first post.

Worra, my dc didnt want to go to their friends house because it was dirty, stuff all over the floor, sticky surfaces, didn't want to use the loo as it was 'gross' I think that's reasonable

I have MH issues and both my house and my dc are spotless, agree with a pp that it's not always the default reason.

I've known kids like this, I'm 39 now and can remember a girl in my class smelling like that, she was bullied and ended up in a bad place as an adult from what I gather.

My 13 year old ds and his friend were telling me about a girl in their class who constantly smells of pee :(
It's a bloody shame in this day and age.
I think the op is genuinely concerned and I know I would be if i were her.
Are there any other children in the household op? And I presume he doesn't attend the same school as your ds?

Racoon I assume you've reported your concerns to MNHQ? If so, no need to keep needling the OP, they'll deal with it.

I would imagine the parents would be pissed off and ignore you. If the house is as bad as it seems, I doubt they care much. I expect if he goes into school like that, it would have been flagged up and social services would have been involved.

If it seems not, maybe speak to the school, even if its just an email explaining your concern for him.

I remember a boy at school like this when I was younger, everyone teased him so badly. I felt so awful for him.

No other children, different school.

Thanks for all the constructive advice and supportive advice, I really appreciate it and I wouldn't have had such a range of opinions and experiences anywhere else.

I think an chat with NSPCC and SS next.