Still furious about Christmas

[Ionlywantedapony]

My mother lives abroad. We hardly see her.
His mother lives 20 minutes away. We see her ALL THE TIME.
My mother is not good at planning.
His mother plans years in advance.
My mother (and sister) flew over to visit us at the last minute at Christmas.
We spent the day at his mothers house and left my mum and sister alone in ours, because "that's what had been planned all along".
AIBU. To still be mad?

Do Christmas at your house next year - that way PIL and your mum can all come to you. Or not if they prefer. At least you won't have to suddenly change plans to accomodate your mum last minute. I can see where your dh is coming from - maybe he felt your mum was sort of derailing Christmas. But I can also see that you're fed up with doing his family Christmas. So time to start your own tradition of having it at home and others join you/you join them in the evening.

I'm not surprised you're still angry OP.
Your mum is annoying by being so last minute and inconsiderate and un-motherly.
Your Dh is horrible by being so inflexible and cross.
Your MIL is annoying by upstaging you at Christmas and being so bloody perfect.
You sound nice and reasonable which is probably why they all push you around.
I would advise you to take a more fuck-em attitude.
And it sounds like you need to get a job so you can improve your self-esteem. A life-coach or counsellor might help if you don't feel confident enough at the moment.

Oh I feel for you! I feel very similar. I am often swept up in my DH's plans and his family plans as that is what we have arranged all along. My mother has a crazy busy life due to a brother with SN and my dad being very ill. She can never plan in advance. My MIL seems to have it crazy easy in comparison. She 'books us up' months in advance. And then I go with what we have arranged and it's only afterwards I realise I could have done it differently and maybe actually thought about what I would like to do! I can never acceptably adjust to her plans and keep everyone happy either.

I think you can still be a little angry. Everything was thrown at you so quickly! But I think you should try to think about what YOU would like next xmas. I've spend too long thinking X would like this but Y would like that. Really separate yourself and think about what you want. Hope you sort it out. 

Cakingbad 💋❤️
I love that answer.

If the roles were reversed and you had planned to go to your mum's, then DH's mum arrived unexpectedly and DH changed plans to pander to his mum, everyone would be saying "you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem."

Your mum put everyone in a difficult position. DH didn't cover himself in glory but, given that your mum didn't want to attend your MIL's, it sounds like he was right.

Sorry I think your mum is at fault. In England the culture is to plan for Christmas quite far in advance - very high handed of your family to swoop in last minute and up end all plans. I really empathise with how you feel but sorry the situation is your family's fault so I would try to simmer down.

You're all giving me the boost I need. I haven't really talked to anyone about this and I've been feeling angry but also pretty useless too. Gradually, bit by bit, I've given up control of my plans. To the point where I now just don't bother making any. If I ever get the hump about having to do things that DH plans with his mother, his stock answer is "don't worry, she won't be around much longer". Meaning he thinks she'll die soon. She's 61 and not ill as far as I know.

I can't see what DH has done wrong. Why should he change plans just because your mother decided to turn up? MIL was polite to offer to change dates but that would have upset her planning and your DH. I don't even think she should have offered. Christmas is expensive and a lot of work.

I can't handle last minute changes. I would be furious if I were in your DH or MILs position.

Your mother sounds a nightmare. Turns up late on Christmas Eve, doesn't want to join the rest of the family at MIL's, expects everyone to drop their plans etc. Based on your other posts, she's clearly not that fussed to visit anyway and you hardly ever see her. I'm really taken aback that you have any anger towards your husband about the situation.

The only one who comes out well in this is your MIL who very kindly tried to include your DM and sis when they rocked up at the last minute.

Your DM should have realised you would already have plans and should have given you notice in advance that she was coming, then you could have amended arrangements that suited everybody instead of messing your MIL around.

Your DH was also very rude, and even if you understandably felt you couldn't let your MIL down at the last minute (bearing in mind she had probably spent a lot of money on food and it would have been unforgivably rude to drop her just because something better had come up) there was no reason to stay so late into the evening.

I can see you were actually really stuck in the middle here. I actually think your DM was really inconsiderate putting you in that position.

DH was very rude, you mum was silly to refuse the invite, you should have insisted that she and ds came. What a fuck up. If I left my mum alone on Christmas Day if she'd landed without warning, she'd never talk to me again.

Ok, bit of an alternative view but I'm not sure anyone did anything wrong.

Your MIL hasn't and I don't think it was unreasonable for your husband to still want to go. His .Mum had offered to change the day and offered to host your Mum and sister so it's not unreasonable, seeing as these options had been refused, for him to still expect to go to his Mothers.

I also don't think your Mum and sister have done anything wrong. Presuming they weren't guilt tripping you not to go to your MILs. It was thoughtless to turn up at the last minute but it doesn't sound like they were expecting to change your plans too much for them.

I'm also not suprised that your DH didn't want to change the meal plan for Boxing Day so last minute. You Mum only phoned the same morning and ONLY invited you and your sister for lunch out. Seriously, that wa a ridiculous and weird thing of her to do. I'm shocked you are cross with your DH about that.

The only thing that's odd is that you were feeling so guilty about your Mum and sister being on their own. It was their choice and they didn't have to be on their own so I don't get why you feel guilty.

are you Christians? Why is the 25th December important?

OP
When mum rang Boxing Day morning to ask she could take sister and me for lunch, husband had a meltdown because he'd planned to cook a Christmas lunch for us all and have that as my family Christmas Day

I'm suprised other posters haven't picked up on this. It was spectacularly rude of your Mum to suggest you leave your family on Boxing Day to go out with her and your sister. I'd have been pissed off if I had been your DH.

I'm sorry but if I've understood this correctly, I can't see what you husband has done wrong here.

If my mum was expecting us for Christmas, and had planned, cleaned, shopped, cooked etc accordingly, and then at the last minute my husbands mum turned up and started demanding we change our plans, I'd be royally fucked off. I'd be going to my mums as planned and quite frankly if he didn't come with me I'd be mortified with him.

mmmm still waiting

I'm with Kurri on P1 - even more so after reading the later information about her not turning up until Christmas Eve night, and still your MiL offered to accommodate them.
Your Mum needs to learn that people can't always just drop everything because she fancies doing something on a whim.
She still got 5 hours with you and the dc on Christmas day.
I don't see that your dh has done anything wrong at all here.

Your mother could have chosen to give you notice of her visit. But she chose to be disorganised instead. She could have spent the day with your MIL but chose not to.

I don't think you can just drop the entire arrangement. A compromise would have been fine though. Half a day with each set of relatives.

Your MIL sounds like a real sweetheart.

Your DH and DM not so much.

Christmas was weeks ago. Get over it and consider what happens next year.

Your mum sounds like a nightmare.

You should be mad at yourself - you only get one mum - you're mil sounds pretty decent though. I take it your DH doesn't like your mum?

I do love a nice family Christmas
In your shoes I would have spent Christmas with MIL and left DH at home with your mother.
Your mum has never actually made you a priority yet will go and see y
our Step sister on a planned trip- Your MIL did make plans that included and involved you and welcomed your bohemian mum (where was your step dad)

I think you need to let go of the idea your mum will come good if you just spend more time with her, and consider how hurt your own DH might be by your reactions to the events that your mum spewed up over Christmas

I have made a note in my diary of what I WILL do next Christmas. It's too easy to get caught short when you don't have a plan even if that plan is not to plan.

"This was entirely husband's fault for being stubborn...."

I'm sorry but no, it was entirely your fault for going along with his demands; You should have stayed at home with your mum and sister - Your husband could have made a decision for himself about where he would spend the day.

You're obviously a push over and you can't blame your husband for your inability to stand up to him; He doesn't own you, you can make your own decisions.

I'd be raging if my sister fucked off to her in laws house on Christmas day knowing that she and I rarely got to spend time together - As you said yourself your MIL lives 20 minutes away, so your family should have been prioritised as they live much further away.