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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still furious about Christmas

272 replies

Ionlywantedapony · 11/02/2017 21:23

My mother lives abroad. We hardly see her.
His mother lives 20 minutes away. We see her ALL THE TIME.
My mother is not good at planning.
His mother plans years in advance.
My mother (and sister) flew over to visit us at the last minute at Christmas.
We spent the day at his mothers house and left my mum and sister alone in ours, because "that's what had been planned all along".
AIBU. To still be mad?

OP posts:
Wondermoomin · 12/02/2017 00:22

Your MIL sounds lovely and accommodating. The problem is partly with your mum for springing surprises and expecting you to jump to it, and more with your husband for his inflexibility.

February is not too early to think about next Christmas if last Christmas posed problems - I've secretly, in my head, already planned our next Christmas. It will be at home. DH will be more than happy with that when I tell him later in the year Grin We will invite any and all family who wish to come to us, much later in the year.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 12/02/2017 00:25

You sound defeated by the combination of personalities.

Your MiL responded well to the situation, but I'm picking up a vibe that you find her overbearing in general. Your DH also sounds overbearing in dragging you along to meet what he perceives as his mother's needs.

You seem to be struggling with your relationship with your mother- distant, and then she'll throw you a few crumbs of attention at a random time and expect the plans to bend around her. Are you struggling with FOG (Fear, Obligation.and Guilt)? Is she generally a difficult person who only sees things on her own terms?

In the middle of all this, you've lost your direction and sense of your needs.You need to do something for yourself and establish an area of life in your own terms.

It sounds like you also need to lay out your own terms with your mother, how much notice is acceptable to you and what the consequences are if she imposes on you with inadequate notice.

Your mother put you into a lose:lose situation. Your DH handled it badly (how is your relationship with him generally?), but it was your mother that imposed upon you nd was then inflexible around your existing plans. I'm not surprised that this situation has been bugging you as its a sign of deeper relationship issues.

MidniteScribbler · 12/02/2017 00:36

My mother is not good at planning.

This is not someone who is bad at planning. This is a self absorbed person who expects the world to revolve around them, and thinks their presence is such a treat that everyone should drop everything to cater to her whims.

NoFucksImAQueen · 12/02/2017 00:45

Your mil sounds lovely
You sound lovely
Your mother and dh sound like dicks.
Why don't you switch families?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2017 00:45

Well I have to agree with you that the REAL problem here isn't really your MIL - it's a combination of your flaky mother and your inflexible DH. Your MIL was in fact the only reasonable one in the situation - SHE offered to swap days, it was your DH who refused. Your Mum and sister were offered to come too, but they refused (although I can see that was probably a better choice).

What might have worked better (easy with hindsight!) is to have taken the car and left late afternoon by yourself, with/without the children but definitely without the husband. That would have given the best of both worlds and you probably wouldn't be feeling so cross now.

I do suspect though that you are most angry with yourself for allowing everyone else to have fucked up your comfort at Christmas, rather than putting your foot down and making your own decisions that you would have been comfortable with. You've been tossed from pillar to post here, and you've let it happen - and you're hopping mad because of it.

DO make plans for next Christmas. Say you want it in your own home, anyone who would like to come is welcome but you're going to do what YOU want to do for once.

sibys1 · 12/02/2017 00:50

Tbh I think people are being harsh on DH. He was going to cook a dinner for everyone, but the OP's mother tried to change the plans to exclude him. She sounds toxic.

AmysTiara · 12/02/2017 00:56

No one except your mil covers them self in glory here. You sound a doormat tbh. Why didn't you say you didn't want to leave your mum on her own?

haveacupoftea · 12/02/2017 01:19

You arent listening OP. DH and MIL are not at fault.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2017 01:20

Does your DH tend to dominate you at other times too or was this a once off?

NightWanderer · 12/02/2017 01:21

It sounds like your husband is very controlling and inflexible. It sounds like your mum is flaky and selfish.

Think about you and want you want for a change. Can't change the past but you can change the future.

Floralnomad · 12/02/2017 01:30

So what actually happened on Boxing Day , did they come round for dinner or did you go out ?

emmyrose2000 · 12/02/2017 02:22

I think you need to direct your anger elsewhere. You should be furious with your mother and sister for descending at the last minute. They are the ones who deserve your ire, not your Mil or your husband. Your MIL did her best to be accommodating, your husband clearly didn't want to change the family plans, thought of the trouble his mother had gone to and quite reasonably in my view expected that you should stick to what was organised. And your mother and sister turn up out of nowhere and upset other people because they don't make plans!. Well, in my view they are selfish and thoughtless and you should be mad as hell with them for not being willing or able to get their act together

This. ^

Your mother sounds like a rude, toxic, selfish, self absorbed narcissist, thinking the world revolves around her. Sitting at home on her own is her own fault and serves her right. It's a direct consequence of "not being a planner". That's all about control - thinking she can just do whatever she wants, whenever she wants and that everyone else will fall into line.

Your DH did the right thing in refusing to cowtow to her and in wanting to stick to the original plan. Your MIL handled herself very well, by offering to change plans, something she didn't need to do.

Your anger needs to be directed fully at your mother, not your husband. I'd be furious too if I'd offered/planned to cook a meal for my in-laws and then they wanted to change the plans (again!) by taking only my spouse out for a meal instead.

Is there a reason you're so desperate to fall into line with your mother? She doesn't sound worth the effort TBH.

spooniestudent · 12/02/2017 04:16

If me and dp had planned to spend xmas at my dms and then mil and sil had turned up at the last minute and he had wanted to abandon our Christmas plans to stay with them, I would a) want to stick up for my dm and stick to the plans that we had already made and b) tell him that he could sort out Christmas next year, because why the hell would I bother

TheStoic · 12/02/2017 05:19

Never ceases to amaze me when people do things they don't want to do, then complain about it afterwards.

Either do it and suck it up, or don't do it.

Happyfeet1972 · 12/02/2017 09:02

Another person surprised at the criticism at your DP. I imagine most of us would be inflexible if someone tried to change Christmas plans on Christmas Eve! How quick people seem to forget the posts on here in December about all the preparations that posters were going to prepare for Christmas....Id be bloody furious in your DPs position if my DP wanted to let my mum down for his (no offence OP) but flake of a mother.

Your MIL sounds fab. Your DP I don't think did much wrong. Your mum sounds very selfish and thoughtless. If you turn up on Christmas Eve you can't expect people not to have made other plans.

I understand you're upset that you didn't spend Christmas with your mum. But as you say you've only spent 1 Christmas with your mum in 25 years, you can't put the responsibility entirely at your DPs door..It sounds like your mum consistently lets you down.im not surprised he didn't bow down to her plans in the circumstances. I imagine he's dealt with a lot of your disappointment of her over the years.my advice would be to tell her how you miss her, how you want to spend Christmas with her (but need more notice) and actually it'd be nice to see her on her current trip

TootDeLaFroot · 12/02/2017 09:05

I wonder if there's a long history of DM treating you badly, as an afterthought, and DH supporting you through it?
Maybe he's had enough of seeing you disappointed and treated like shit and has decided not to let it happen any more.

Chewbecca · 12/02/2017 09:06

I think it is completely reasonable to follow through the plans you'd already made, it would've been very rude for 4 of you to decline at the last minute.

Your mil was very reasonable inviting them to join you or offering to swap days at the last minute.

Your mum was not reasonable to expect you to change your plans at the last minute AND not to go along with the existing plans, I.e. To join you at MiL's. Very unreasonable to rock up at the last minute and make you feel like you have to let people down and to refuse to do whatever you were doing.

On the Boxing Day question, your H was reasonable to continue to cook the meal that had already been bought, assuming there was enough food to also accommodate your mum and sis. If there wasn't enough, the suggestion to go out was a sensible one and then your H would have been unreasonable for refusing.

You are being unreasonable to still be worrying now, for your own sake, you need to let it go.

Allthewaves · 12/02/2017 09:08

Ffs I would have told him to stop being so bloody ridiculous and took mum to mil

OnionKnight · 12/02/2017 09:11

Your mother sounds like an absolute twat, expecting other people to fall in line because she's bad at planning.

I'm not surprised that your husband was pissed off, your MIL didn't do anything wrong.

Fidelia · 12/02/2017 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonrach · 12/02/2017 09:16

Why did you go? Id at stayed at home with dm and dsis. Dh pops over with dc and comes back. Or all of you go if dmil agrees and you bring food. Or all should have come to yours.

londonrach · 12/02/2017 09:17

Just seen update. Your mil is ok inviting everyone. Your dm is behaving like a spolit child.

Ledkr · 12/02/2017 09:18

You do realise that being married to someone doesn't remove your free will don't you?

OnionKnight · 12/02/2017 09:19

And for people not reading the OP's posts properly, her mother didn't want to go to MIL's.

So why should the MIL have been let down because the mum expected OP and DH to fall in line?

chillx · 12/02/2017 09:23

Hey I'm still furious about Christmas 2015! I've talked about it so much nobody listens anymore. I don't know how I can get over it but I can see talking about it doesn't actually help it makes it worse so I've shut up and continue my seething internally! It's exhausting, I've given it so much time I really wish I hadn't. From experience I'd say let it go NOW before it takes hold of you.