Still furious about Christmas

[Ionlywantedapony]

My mother lives abroad. We hardly see her.
His mother lives 20 minutes away. We see her ALL THE TIME.
My mother is not good at planning.
His mother plans years in advance.
My mother (and sister) flew over to visit us at the last minute at Christmas.
We spent the day at his mothers house and left my mum and sister alone in ours, because "that's what had been planned all along".
AIBU. To still be mad?

Ridiculously rude on several levels but what's done is done, just don't let it happen again. Instead of being mad with yourself flip it and resolve not to be a doormat. Could you get your folks organised for this year, splitting the day? Or even plan to go to your mum? Is your husband controlling about other stuff ?

senua I have to disagree.

Mil made the offer of including them and DH said no. I think that is breathtakingly rude.

What says did you see your mum & sister then?

Also, if you haven't had Christmas with her for so long, why the hell didn't she plan better?

I mean how last minute are we talking-so that MIL had already got food in or what?

Your husband sounds like he was a jerk about it, tbh.

Even your MIL recognized that days should be swapped. And your DH refused?

Wow.

I can't believe you let him do that!

senua I have to disagree. Mil made the offer of including them and DH said no. I think that is breathtakingly rude.

Did you miss the bit where OP said "And actually my mum didn't want to go either"

I think it's a bit rude of your mum and sister to have come at the last minute to be honest. But you DH sounds mean and like he doesn't really like your mother by being the one hold out on the suggested change. Does he have a lot of difficulty with being flexible in general, or is only when it's of no benefit to him?

I'd have stood my ground and stayed with your mum and sister but I wouldn't be holding onto this for so long.

However this Christmas i would either put my foot down about seeing MIL again or go and see your mum and sister or invite them over and see them.

Why should DH get to call all the shots along with MIL??

I think the people showing up the day before and expecting everyone to change plans for them are unreasonable.

But the husband is also unreasonable for not just saying 'right let's all go to MIL' if MIL was OK with it.

Why didn't your mum give you advance warning? I do think she has a part to play in this too, she should have planned in advance.

While I think it would have been better to split the day between both sets of parents, I can see your DH's point of view that things have been planned with his mother because yours is never there, yet he is expected to drop everything when she turns up without notice. If he's a 'planner' like his parents then he's going to want some notice - not a big thing.

It does seem odd to come from abroad without warning! I think you are angry at the wrong people here, OP although I can understand your frustration.

For the first time ever, we had all the wrapping and stockings done so we could go to bed early Christmas Eve. Mum turned up late, she and sister had been shopping in London. We ended up still awake at 2am...
Mum and sister came round at 6.30am because mum was desperate to see present opening. Which was nice. I'm glad she got to see the excitement. We left for MIL's at 11.30. I was hoping to be back home for tea with my mum, but we didn't leave MIL's until 9.30pm. Husband settled in for the duration.
In husband's head, Boxing Day was reserved for my family. When mum rang Boxing Day morning to ask she could take sister and me for lunch, husband had a meltdown because he'd planned to cook a Christmas lunch for us all and have that as my family Christmas Day. I think, no I know, he has great difficulty with changes of plan.

Povertyjetset It wasnt just the DH who said no her mum did too. So she leaves it till last minute to come over and also refuses an invitation to share Christmas with her daughter.

senua I actually did!

Well everyone is being crap then!

I think everyone should make them best of it especially at Christmas.

What is the matter with your husband? He's behaving like a spoiled child? Why on earth are you putting up with this?

When did you actually find out your family were coming op?

It sounds like your mum is flighty and spontaneous and your DH isn't.

I think your mum rocking up late, etc is rather inconsiderate.

It just sounds like a bit of a car crash all round to be honest.

Your post at 9.58 has totally changed my view.

You need to be more assertive.
Your mum needs to be a lot more organised \ communicative.
Your DH could have been more flexible.

I think you need to direct your anger elsewhere. You should be furious with your mother and sister for descending at the last minute. They are the ones who deserve your ire, not your Mil or your husband. Your MIL did her best to be accommodating, your husband clearly didn't want to change the family plans, thought of the trouble his mother had gone to and quite reasonably in my view expected that you should stick to what was organised. And your mother and sister turn up out of nowhere and upset other people because they don't make plans!. Well, in my view they are selfish and thoughtless and you should be mad as hell with them for not being willing or able to get their act together.

So where did mum and sis stay if they came round at 0630??

Your mum should have let you know she was coming, surely she knew you had plans? She also should have accepted your mil's offer, and your husband should have encouraged her to, he sounds like a dick

How were you forced to go to PIL's? Did your DH hold a gun to your head? No probably not so why did you not tell your DH to visit his parents while you spent time with your family? Or you could have gone for a few hours and then gone home.

It's completely pointless being furious now. Still, you will know what to do next year.

Your mum & husband do sound complete opposites.

It would have been nice if you hadn't stayed out so long on Christmas Day, but your husband wanted to cook for everyone on Boxing Day which sounds nicer to me than going out for lunch & leaving him & the kids.

I suppose I am a bit angry with my mum for never visiting at Christmas and then springing it on us when we have other plans. TBH I think the only reason she came was because it was my sisters first Christmas in her new home in London. She just moved out age 21. I've always felt like an add-on, to her business trips, if she can squeeze a day in. Although that's not why I left on Christmas Day, I wasn't punishing her. Maybe DH was. I followed him because I feel beholden to him and his family. I have no one here and I don't work. I think I've become a bit institutionalised.

The only person you should be mad with is yourself for letting it happen

Your mum was BU for turning up the day before and then refusing to go to MIL.

Frankly MIL is the only one I feel sorry for in this scenario.

Anyway its only one day so get over it.