Still furious about Christmas

[Ionlywantedapony]

My mother lives abroad. We hardly see her.
His mother lives 20 minutes away. We see her ALL THE TIME.
My mother is not good at planning.
His mother plans years in advance.
My mother (and sister) flew over to visit us at the last minute at Christmas.
We spent the day at his mothers house and left my mum and sister alone in ours, because "that's what had been planned all along".
AIBU. To still be mad?

should have taken them with you even if they hadnt been invited tough

A bit late to get upset when the obvious thing was to take them to MIL with you.

How last minute was your mums arrival? Did you have a month or so of notice, a week, days?

I've become a complete doormat over the last 14 years. Every so often I blow up with rage, but mostly I stay quiet. Husband said I should plan next Christmas now. But with my mother's track record, I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I used to be so strong. I hate the way I've become.

So your mum turned up last minute.
You mil had planned xmas day and was hosting. She both invited your mum and was willing to swap days although fil not so keen.
Your dmum refused to go to mil for the day.
What are you fuming about? Your dmums twatish behaviour?

This is a bit like mine and my husbands family, his family are super organised months in advance and my family will turn up on the day - which can be infuriating! Like you OP, my family live miles away, but husbands are local + My husband hates last minute plan changes and I could totally imagine being in your situation if my family turned up unannounced it causes problems

One xmas we pre-arranged to go to his mothers and be there for 1pm, but my parents let me know on Christmas eve that they would be coming around on Christmas day! They gave one days notice so it was slightly infuriating. My husband was literally beside himself that our already made plans would be scuppered in some way.

Anyway we compromised that my parents would turn up 10am ish, but we would be leaving at 12 noon to get to his parents .. I felt awful and torn all day, my parents left our house to go visiting other family members siblings in the area, but I just felt awful - and this was the one and only time my parents have wanted to spend xmas with me in the 25 years since I left home

and off we went to my inlaws to spend a rather boring xmas but my heart wasn't in it, I felt whatever we did I wasn't going to feel good and I had let everyone down in some way

Families eh

I'm confused by all this.

MIL seems to be the only reasonable one here - she invited OP's family to join them on Christmas day, she offered to swap days despite presumably already having bought food and made her plans. She was reasonable, accommodating and flexible. OP's husband seems to have been the opposite and OP just got swept along for whatever reasons.

If guests arrive at short notice for a major holiday they can't really get offended if people have made other plans. It does sound as if they were not well treated however.

Why does this year's Christmas have to be about your mum?

If you want to stay at hime just you, husband & the kids then do it & see MIL Boxing Day or after.

Well your plan should be....

I'm going to not plan next Christmas as it's February and making these demands are unreasonable.

Talk to your mum. She has had her part in this too.

If he's said you can plan next Xmas, I'd accept and then say your plan is not to make plans until closer to the time. That you want a Christmas with options and flexibility. And that's your plan.

Maybe OPs dh felt that it wasn't fair to ditch his mum and her plans at the last minute? I know that's how I would feel in his place.

"and this was the one and only time my parents have wanted to spend xmas with me in the 25 years since I left home"

And they didn't know it until Christmas Eve!

Horrible.

The one to direct your anger at is your mum. Not DH, not MIL - at the one who caused the problem in the first place by expecting you to fall in with their ridiculously last minute decision to bestow a visit upon you.

I think your DM sounds like the most annoying one here.

So she is "not good at planning". Why should that mean that everyone else who can be arsed to plan and prepare for an occasion should be happy to just drop everything and rearrange at short notice because she has deigned to favour you with her presence at the last minute.

It sounds to me like your MIL tried to be hospitable and include her and it was your DM who was the difficult one and hoped you would just change plans to suit her.

Plan whatever you want for next Christmas.I'd have it at your house and let everyone know that it's going to be at yours but it's too early in the year to finalise plans.
I stopped going to relatives on Christmas Day when my kids were toddlers. I was fed up of carting kids, toys, etc around, we just wanted to be at home.

You say that your mother never comes at Christmas. Would it be practical for you to go there?

I'd probably mostly have been annoyed at DM.

I have autism though and so do need structure.
This is what my brain did-
Showing up like that around Christmas is pretty rude if the only reason is that someone isn't good at planning. The person turning up really needs to be flexible and then diplomatic. You already had plans. Your MiL had bought all the food. Your Mil invited the extra guests but your mother didn't want to go there.
I might be annoyed at DH not being more positive but if your DM and MiL don't get on maybe he was right.

The alternative is swapping days. How would Mil then have spent Christmas Day? Would she have been alone? Even though she suggested it was she genuinely happy to swap to Boxing Day?

Mostly I'd be angry at DM for just turning up.

Bellatrix thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone!
And everyone else thank you for replying!
You're all right. Planning Christmas in February is utter bullshit. I particularly like the "my plan is not to have a plan" suggestion. Actually I'd rather like to plan to send my husband to his mother's for Christmas, but I know the children will want to go there too because she is Mrs Claus personified. We're talking knee-deep wading through presents... I gave up trying to compete with her at Christmas by our 3rd of 4th year of marriage.

I'd be pretty pissed off if two people just turned up at christmas without letting me know tbh and then as if that wasn't bad enough then refused you MIL's invitation to go over there for christmas so you all had to feel really bad about it putting you in a very awkward position and then causing bad feeling between you and your husband.
I'm afraid if it was me I'd tell my mum and sister to grow up.

Singasong MIL did offer to swap days. She wouldn't have been alone, she had her husband, other son and his wife there too. It was my DH who wouldn't change his plan.
And yes I am angry with my mum. She is currently on holiday and will be spending two days in the UK with my stepdad visiting my stepsister up North. If I can drive up to London on Tuesday to my other sisters flat, I will get to see her before she flies back home. If I can't manage that, it may be months or years ears before I see her again. Who knows. She lives too far away for us to fly to her. It would cost thousands in airline tickets.

Have you ever enjoyed Christmas with you MIL, Op?

I mean just because it hasn't been with your mum doesn't mean that it always has to be with his, or that it has to be the whole day there.

I think that your husband made some mistakes but your mum doesn't cover herself in glory.

Your mum sounds bloody selfish op. She rocked up late and unexpected on Xmas eve, stayed late and came back at 6.30am and expected you to change all of your plans to accommodate her? And you're mad with DH?! Yes he probably didn't behave in the most grown up way but how do you honestly think you would have reacted if it was the other way around and mil wanted you to change all of your plans at the last minute and let your mum down? I bet you would have been posting a different Aibu about mil expecting us to drop everything for her

Your mother sounds terrible to me. She turned up unannounced at a time of year when you are bound to have pre-existing plans and declined a generous invite to your MIL's. Maybe your DH was right that having them at MIL's would be a bad idea, given that she's seemingly very selfish, didn't want to to, and you yourself say it's painful seeing the two mothers together?

I'd be more angry than your mum than with your DH.

I'd be annoyed with my mum for putting me in that position. Sounds like there's a backlog of upset with her because she hasn't made the effort to spend Christmases with you. I don't care how bad at planning she is, she planned far enough ahead to get a flight at Christmas so she could have let you know that's what she was thinking of doing.

If your M-i-L 'plans years in advance' then it was pretty good of her to provide alternatives at the last minute. But actually, I think it would have been bad to turn her down at the last minute.

I'm not surprised DH was annoyed about Boxing day if DMum wanted to take just you and your sister out after he had planned for and presumably bought a load of food??
You need to force a plan out of your mum for this year,thats for sure.

If my mum went to a lot of effort to make Christmas special and my children loved it then I would be pissed off if my mil just turned up and expected plans to be changed at the last minute. And if after my mum extended the invitation to mil she snubbed it I would be fucked off. I wouldn't have changed my plans if I was your DH, OP.

Sounds like he doesn't like your DM because she puts you last and then tries to change the Christmas plans which his family spend a lot time arranging.