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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still furious about Christmas

272 replies

Ionlywantedapony · 11/02/2017 21:23

My mother lives abroad. We hardly see her.
His mother lives 20 minutes away. We see her ALL THE TIME.
My mother is not good at planning.
His mother plans years in advance.
My mother (and sister) flew over to visit us at the last minute at Christmas.
We spent the day at his mothers house and left my mum and sister alone in ours, because "that's what had been planned all along".
AIBU. To still be mad?

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 13/02/2017 12:24

Why are you so hellbent on blaming anybody but your mum OP?

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 13/02/2017 12:36

Did your DM stay in your home when she visited after DC birth? There is huge difference between having inlaws stay near you and living with you!!

witsender · 13/02/2017 12:37

Mrexit it is hardly rigid to expect to not to have to change plans on the day. You daughter would be well within her rights to leave you if you behaved like this towards her.

Katy07 · 13/02/2017 12:57

I hadn't realised that OP's mother actually planned to leave everyone but OP home on Boxing Day Shock Seriously???? And the OP thinks her DH is the problem Hmm

Original poster
Ionlywantedapony · 13/02/2017 13:50

Naicehamshop thank you. Have you seen that poem by Pam Ayres about husband who is always right. It's him to a T. "Prefers to be right than be kind" is an excellent description. Actually "prefers to be morally superior" is even more accurate.
Are some of you reading my words? I am not denying my mum's part in the mess. I can't change her now. I'm no longer under the naive impression that I will. Which is why I wondered what ages the judges are?? What I am upset about is that DH didn't let me snap up this (possibly once in a lifetime) chance to have my flakey unreliable mother spend Christmas Day me. I've lost count of the amount of times I've played second fiddle to his mother. The times he's been round there fixing up her house while ours falls apart around me and my new baby and young children... The Christmas', Easters, school fairs, school assemblies, nativities, sports days, bonfire nights, birthdays and halloweens she's dominated..
As for Boxing Day, my mother asked for a couple of hours with her daughters, not the whole day. Of course she wanted to spend time with her grandchildren! Which she did. And to reiterate, we had a couple of week's notice of her plan to visit. She didn't just rock up on Christmas Eve. Sorry if that wasn't clear in my earlier posts. Christmas at his mother's had been planned for 12 months. So my mum's meagre 2 weeks notice wasn't deemed worthy of consideration by DH. (Even though his mother was willing to change the plan.)

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 13/02/2017 14:46

OP (love the "slip" of calling me TwatnersWig btw) My previous comment was basically pointing out that through the thread, you have added extra nuggets of information to try and ensure things went your way, to get posters to state how unreasonable your MIL was or how unreasonable your DH was. When the tide started to turn with more posters saying that your mum was probably the most unreasonable, or that you could have made a decision for yourself, you suddenly started added more gems to make your DH sound worse. It's taken you ages to final reveal that your Mum gave two weeks' notice - which of course, makes your DH seems more unreasonable now. Why wait until now, when people were asking this pages ago?

harderandharder2breathe · 13/02/2017 14:55

But OP DH didn't stop you. Your own mother stopped you spending Christmas with her bby refusing to go to your MIL's where she was invited

Original poster
Ionlywantedapony · 13/02/2017 15:06

Hardernhardernharderetc. Did you read the bit about MIL calling my mother a skinny cow?
My good friend Shatner, 😜, does posting my first message whilst in the throes of premenstrual fog count as an excuse? I didn't have the brainpower to type out the whole story at the time. I just put the basics in the hope having some human contact (through a screen). Details have flooded back to me alongside mumsnet responses and rising oestrogen. I didn't realise I was playing a drip drip game. How accidentally clever of me. Oops. Next time I have a question I will endeavour to provide all relevant information from the get go.
But you know, I can't promise that prompts won't bring out more gems.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 13/02/2017 15:20

OP, as you are my new best friend Wink it's merely that having been on MN for years, you do see a lot of threads that becomie huge drip feeds and you get to page 10 and there's new information and half the time all these drip feeds mean a lot of previous posters become irrelevant. Some of them turn out to be trolls. Others do turn into very much a case of the OP trying to get everyone on "their" particular viewpoint or side when they didn't like the answers they were getting.

witsender · 13/02/2017 15:28

I still disagree with you OP. It wouldn't be kind to let you get walked all over yet again, it just wouldn't. Why couldn't your mum just come over on boxing day? Why didn't she offer to take the family?

Tbh she sounds awful. And you sound completely lost in the fog of being a neglected child and are so desperate for any scrap of attention from her that you are overlooking that this is her fault. Not your husband's.

Can you imagine the reverse? "My MIL ignores my husband for years on end, and has hurt him.so many times. My family have always been there for us. MIL turned up unexpectedly on Christmas Day as we were due to go out and DH wanted family plans dropped for her. I was furious, especially as my mum said they could all join us and MAIL didn't want to. He is worth so little to her that should couldn't show him the simple courtesy of booking a flight and telling him in time...Which tells me that seeing him really wasn't a big deal. To top it off she then wanted to take just him out on Boxing Day when I was cooking for them all! And now he is angry with ME!"

witsender · 13/02/2017 15:32

If you really did have 2 weeks notice (change from the first tbh) then this is even wierder. Why couldn't she just suck it up and join in as expected? You can't feel cross with him for her sitting alone in your house when she had the option to do otherwise. She then knew that boxing day was reserved for her, then wanted to take just you out instead?

Wtfdoipick · 13/02/2017 15:39

What I am upset about is that DH didn't let me snap up this (possibly once in a lifetime) chance to have my flakey unreliable mother spend Christmas Day me.

Ask yourself who is to blame for you only getting this one chance and who would be able to change it and the answer is not your DH.

Naicehamshop · 13/02/2017 16:20

God - I really wonder if I am reading the same thread as everyone else! Confused

Naicehamshop · 13/02/2017 16:27

Why is everyone on here so determined to absolve the dh of any blame? Did you not read the bits about his acid tongue, and the fact that for years he has made her play second fiddle to his mother??

The fact that the ops dm is unreasonable as well doesn't make him any better.

CotswoldStrife · 13/02/2017 16:27

It's the same thread Naice but I think you are viewing it in the light of your own experiences. I'm a similar age to you and see it entirely differently, but that's the joy of putting things out on t'internet.

Katy07 · 13/02/2017 16:27

The Christmas', Easters, school fairs, school assemblies, nativities, sports days, bonfire nights, birthdays and halloweens she's dominated..
But has she dominated them or has she just been there, been a part of them like many GMs are? To you it may seem like domination because your DM can't be arsed to turn up and make any sort of effort (like not inviting her grandkids out on Boxing Day) - to everyone else it might be normal.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/02/2017 16:30

What I am upset about is that DH didn't let me snap up this (possibly once in a lifetime) chance to have my flakey unreliable mother spend Christmas Day me.

Your DM was the issue. She decided to have a strop and stay at home.

Bit OTT to call it 'once on a lifetime'

and yes it was a drip feed about the timeframe

CotswoldStrife · 13/02/2017 16:31

The MIL doesn't sound dominant from what has been said on here, and it wasn't the OP's DH who stopped her mother joining the Christmas Day celebrations. If the OP has a problem with her DH this is not a good example of the issue!

Naicehamshop · 13/02/2017 16:41

Cotswold - did you read the bit where the op talked about the number of times her dh helped out his mother with her house, while the op was left with a home crumbling around her and her small children??

Chelazla · 13/02/2017 16:42

Not u but why did you go!???

hmcAsWas · 13/02/2017 16:46

I absolutely loathe posters who complain about drip feeding. You simply can't provide ALL the pertinent info in the first post without producing an epic war and peace saga - which would be massively off putting and no one would read it.

Op - your dh is insufferable. I don't know how you can bear to be with him - and the comment about it would be better if your mum was dead 😦

Are you committed to your relationship? Or do you feel trapped in it?

Wtfdoipick · 13/02/2017 16:49

Naicehamshop there may be serious issues with the dh, he could be a complete and utterly abusive twat but he is not responsible for the ops DM not making the time for the op. The ops DM would have irritated the hell out of me with her behavior.

ReapAndSow · 13/02/2017 16:52

I can't keep up with the drip feeding. Confused

Even if your Mum gave you two weeks notice for her visit it still sounds like she gave you no notice about taking you and your sister out for lunch on Boxing Day. I get that your DH is a bit of a jerk but I still can't see why you are mad at him for objecting to this.

ChasedByBees · 13/02/2017 16:55

Ooh I almost forgot. When I did try to talk to my DH in January about how upset I was at leaving my mum and sis on Christmas Day, it did not go well. The highlight of that talk was him saying he wished my mum was dead, like my dad, that way it wouldn't be an issue.

Your DH sounds absolutely hideous. And also laying a guilt trip that some one aged 61 might not be around for much longer - so he expects you to do the same thing for perhaps another 30 years?

Naicehamshop · 13/02/2017 16:57

I agree with you pick. But he should be helping and supporting her, not making acidic comments and saying it would be better if her mother was dead, and at the same time prioritising his own mother!

It's not a competition to see who is worse, the dh or the dm. The OPs dm has obviously let her down over the years, but instead of helping and supporting her through this, he is making it worse for her!

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