Still furious about Christmas

[Ionlywantedapony]

My mother lives abroad. We hardly see her.
His mother lives 20 minutes away. We see her ALL THE TIME.
My mother is not good at planning.
His mother plans years in advance.
My mother (and sister) flew over to visit us at the last minute at Christmas.
We spent the day at his mothers house and left my mum and sister alone in ours, because "that's what had been planned all along".
AIBU. To still be mad?

Cross posts. Your dh is a rude dick but why oh why did you go along with it???

If it was MIL who lived further and came last minute, would this have changed things for you? If you would have felt the same then yanbu. If your partner would have insisted on changing plans in that situation, doubly so.

But your mum is also BU to expect you to not have plans at such a late stage.

I suppose I'm also furious with myself for being weak and just going along with him. If I had stayed at home, where would the children be. With me and my mum and sister? Or go with him to MIL's. That wouldn't have been nice for them.
I agree I should let it go. But I don't feel like I've talked enough about it or resolved it it in my head. That's why I've consulted the oracle of mumsnet.

You didn't make it clear that it was your husband you were angry with; it sounded like it was your MIL.
You should have stayed at home on Christmas day, everyone was happy with that except him, so you were wrong to give in to him.

You should be furious with yourself for going along with it. Your H sounds like a dickhead.

I can't believe you did that. Your partner wanted to go to his mothers so you just went with him and left your own mother and sister behind?

This was entirely husband's fault for being stubborn and refusing to alter his plans

Wasn't actually entirely his fault, was it? Did he handcuff you and put you in the car?

I wouldn't let it go. I am astounded by your rudeness, both of you. The children stay at home for dinner because they would see mil on the day she kindly offered to change for and your dh could stay with the mil because he sounds like no loss to the party anyway.

Sorry that sounds harsh but I just couldn't imagine treating my family so rudely

Maybe you could have spent half the day with each family. So 7am-1 with your parents. 1pm to 7pm with his.

Your update suggests that your husband is a prize arse. You should have taken up one of MIL's suggestions, stood your ground with your husband and if necessary let the selfish twat just sulk in a corner somewhere. He would have been showing only himself up.

Personally I'd not pull out of Xmas dinner at the 11th hour (if at all possible) as most people go to a lot of trouble and expense to cater for their expected guests

So I guess your mum and sister were unreasonable.

Sorry.

So when did you see them?

If the mums don't do so well together then he was right that that wouldn't work.

Your mum & sister saw your kids open presents in the morning?

You all had breakfast together?

You didn't have to leave them all day.

I'm not sure it's entirely your husband's fault.

huh? why didn't your dh just tell his mum, thanks so much for being accommodating and we'll see you boxing day. then spend xmas day with you and your mum, boxing day with his inlaws?

sounds like you have a dh problem.

But surely if you have made plans you should stick with those plans. Isn't it rude to last minute say sorry but I'm not coming to yours as something better has come up.

Why did you go? Why did you not stay with your family? Why were the in-laws not prepared to welcome them? I would be pissed of too.

off

Yeah actually can you break your Christmas Day down?

But surely if you have made plans you should stick with those plans

Not always! There are plenty of situations where its much ruder to not change your plans.

Is this a one-off or have you and DH had to change your plans last minute before, because your mother 'isn't good at planning' and just turns up? Was he making a point?

I've been married for 14 years. We've have 8 or 9 Christmases with MIL and none with my mum. I've desperately wanted to spend it with my family the whole time we've been married but my mum has never been. This was the worst Christmas I have ever had. I felt sick knowing she was alone in our house. I'm glad that you people find it equally horrendous. It gives me more strength to deal with my husband.

Oh, and you do bear your share of responsibility for simply kowtowing to your DH's diktats.

It was pretty rude of both of you.

Omg that must have been awful for your mum and sister, especially as your mil offered alternative arrangements. I would have never done that.... if your husband wanted to go and ignored your family, it means he doesn't respect you or your family.

Your DH sounds like a bully.

Your Dmum wasn't alone, she had your Dsis with her.
It is very rude to change plans at the last minute because you have a better offer - you should have stuck with MIL's offer.
If you want to be cross at someone then be cross at Dmum who has never visited you in 14 years, and then when she does she makes a pig's ear of it.
Why should your DH change his plans just because your Dmum deigns to visit for the first time in forever.

Did you even leave them with Christmas food/wine etc. I have visions of your lonely upset mother and sister sitting alone in a strange house eating toast, wearing paper cracker hats and wondering why they bothered

Your mil offered two reasonable - and generous- solutions. And your dp vetoed them both.

He is an arse.