Ex left DS to go out

[mrtumblesmistress1]

Ex's weekend with DS. I find out tonight he left him to go out drinking. Didn't ask me to swap, didn't tell me, just left him with a relative. His drinking has been a lot lately and one of the main reasons we are not together anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. AIBU to be fuming about this?

There's nothing to suggested he will be too drunk or hungover to look after his child. If you had genuine concerns why allow overnight contact at all, why not at a contact centre with a sobriety contract?

I think camel has inadvertently shone a light on the best way forward!

Yabu in expecting this man to change. He couldn't change for your son when you were together so he sure as hell isnt going to start behaving now you aren't together!

You can have your expectations but remember he will continuously fail to meet them!

Inadvertent. Hardly. It's good advice. If there's a genuine problem why not fix it rather than dicking around on an Internet forum. If I thought my DS father was an alcoholic I wouldn't dream of sending him for contact. Be honest, if what you're saying is actually true take steps. It stated off as you being annoyed he went out when he should have been there, and the story escalated.

If what I'm saying is true? Yes I am lying, big fat lies.

It escalated as I had to explain my reasons for why I was so annoyed, that he can't just have a few and be fine the next day.

And I am not 'dicking' around on an Internet forum. If you bothered to read the thread you will see I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow.

I'll be ignoring you from now on camel as it seems you just want an argument.

Good luck with the sols today tumble. Please update us with your plans.

Thanks Fender will keep you posted.

I text him about contact tomorrow, he can have him as long as his mum is there the whole time which she will be. He is working so won't be drinking.

Apparently I am a joke and over reacting. Trying to twist it on me yet again.

Classic gaslighting, putting all the blame (and doubt) onto you.
I think you are right to maintain a channel of contact between them, but it has to be on your terms - or at least you need to feel 100% happy.
On a cynical note it does do you any harm to show the sols and the courts if it comes to that how accommodating you are ...

*doesn't do you harm ! Silly fat fingers silly !

What did the solicitor recommend?

Hi Snuggly,

Never got to speak to him unfortunately as he got held up in Court. It's a company I use in my line of work so I will speak to him tomorrow when he's in his office, no formal appointment needed thankfully.

It's all one big mess and my head is everywhere. I really feel like I need to go home and be with my family but I know I'll be painted as the evil villain who took his child away - even though I will do all I can to facilitate contact and wouldn't leave until we have an arrangement that we'd both be happy with: providing contact is supervised at all times by family.

I've just had a day of abuse telling me I'm a joke, overreacting, not wanting him to go out etc etc.

Been offered a few hours work Saturday. Offered for him to have DS once his mum is there. His mum said she would be there all day/night, he's not prepared to make up his time with her because he 'has plans'. Which is why he wouldn't ask me to swap the weekend just gone!

DC is old enough to communicate with you via phone, Olivia there was nothing to indicate that and in fact, later messages from the OP state the child is little more than a baby, at 2 years old.

The OP found out by contacting her Ex, not getting a satisfactory response, then contacting his mum!

I think you are getting a rough ride from some people!

If contact is not court ordered, then you should not bother, let him fight for it. I am pretty sure an alcoholic will prioritise booze over fighting for his child.

Could you try applying for a non molestation order in regards to the harassing text messages?

What's your relationship with your family like? When you say they are in another country is it like England / Scotland or further away?
Do they see you often? Maybe it's time to seek some support from your family, even if they aren't close perhaps they would give you emotional support in rl?

And I wouldn't be too concerned about being painted as a villain taking his kid away, he's painting you as bad enough as it is, so what ? His words will mean nothing to those that see the truth for what it is.

He's got plans this weekend so can't look after your LO?
I'd definitely be moving back to your family. He doesn't seem to understand what is needed to be a parent.

They're in Ireland. I have a great relationship with my family. My sister is aware of the situation and wants me to come home. I haven't spoke to my mum or dad yet as I know they will hit the roof and want me back immediately but I need to come to the decision for myself. He's put me through so much with his cheating, lies and drinking that what happened at the weekend has just tipped me over the edge. It might seem a minor thing to some people but adding everything else on top of it it really isn't.

I've tried to offer him to have her Saturday but no he wants to go drinking - the exact reason he didn't ask me to swap as he wanted to go out both Saturdays and the exact reason he lied to his mother that I refused to swap.

I'm completely with you OP, I do not think YABU. I have the same arrangement with ex and my DS is also 2, if I found out that DS had gone to see his dad and actually not spent much time with him then I'd be pissed thinking it's a weekend I missed with DS unnecessarily. Your ex is indeed entitled to a social life, but as you said, surely he can do that EOW and if this was a night out that couldn't have been rearranged then he should have first asked you to swap weekends.

Exactly Summer, I've a broken ankle so it's not like I'm going anywhere! He didn't ask to swap because he is going out this Saturday too. But because I asked if he wanted to have DS this Saturday with his mum I'm apparently a control freak because I'm not happy he said no because he has 'plans'. Plans mean he's going out yet again getting drunk which he did last weekend and the weekend before!

Oh Tumble, I know exactly what you mean, it's a drip drip drip effect that eventually gets to the point you cannot take anymore.
So the sort of things to start thinking about is 'if' you were to go back:
Finances - he's an ex but does he pay any cm? Are there any properties with shared ownership / tenancy which need to be resolved?
Access - EoW would be difficult impossible to maintain so how would you feel about your child spending a week every couple of months or so with their fathers family?
You - could you work and live happily back 'home' ?
I think the time is almost come where you have to start making plans, if not for your self worth than for that of your child.

I would be fine with him spending a week every couple of months over there once I know he's safe and with family and no alcohol is involved. I'd be willing to be as co-operative as possible and help fund the travel. I think before leaving I'd get something legal filed in terms of contact so that we both knew where we stood.

It's just a lot to take in and I'm afraid I'm making the wrong decision although my gut is telling me I'm not.

Your gut PLUS over 170 posts on an Internet forum (give or take) are telling you you're not wrong.
Let us know how the chat goes tomorrow, I must say you sound more resolute and stronger than the weekend 😀

I think going back to live close to your family is exactly the right decision.

Thank you @Fender. Your comments really mean a lot.

Rainbow I think you are right. I told him I was seeing a solicitor and he told me I was wasting my time. I don't doubt his love for his son but I think he's so blinkered that he doesn't realise that he's risking his relationship with him.