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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex left DS to go out

195 replies

mrtumblesmistress1 · 11/02/2017 21:17

Ex's weekend with DS. I find out tonight he left him to go out drinking. Didn't ask me to swap, didn't tell me, just left him with a relative. His drinking has been a lot lately and one of the main reasons we are not together anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. AIBU to be fuming about this?

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 12/02/2017 05:50

Can I just ask a question then? If your ex hadn't lied and had told you he was going out and had a babysitter, would you still be angry?

Personally (although he still sounds like a total dick) I can see why he lied if that is the case.

rainbowstardrops · 12/02/2017 06:22

He sounds like a prize twat. I'd be fuming too and sad that he didn't want to spend quality time (Sunday) with your DS.
Why did your DS have to go to the uncle's house though if your ex is living with his mum and she replied to your text knowing where he was?

Wallywobbles · 12/02/2017 07:35

He sounds like a twat but that's a separate issue.

You do not have the right to dictate how he does his childcare. You need to back away from this whole situation and mind your own business. Hard as that is. Minimum contact with him and his family. None of this is your problem. Don't make it your issue because you are on a loosing wicket.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 08:07

wally - so you think it's ok for a 2 year old to be left in the care of a man who has potentially been drinking alcohol for 10 hours and is extremely hung over?

You really don't think this is the "OPs issue" and she should just back off?

There's no way I would be allowing my two year old child to be in that situation even if you'd have no problem with it.

Trifleorbust · 12/02/2017 08:19

extremely hung over?

Am not advocating drinking here but why is there always this big palaver about people doing childcare with a hangover? What are we talking, tiredness, vomiting and a headache? Sounds like every day of my working pregnancy. I don't really think it is a safety issue, more a judgey issue.

kittybiscuits · 12/02/2017 08:20

There are those who peddle the 'it's none of your business' line and those who use common sense. The day is definitely coming where there is no babysitter available and this alcoholic fuckwit leaves the little one alone to go out. Contact is for seeing your child. If you don't want to do that even 2 nights a month, you deserve no contact or 2 hours in a contact centre at best. This waster has nothing to offer the little boy and would not make any effort to continue seeing him. When people start spouting about 'it's none of your business' and family court would give a contact order', that is everything that is wrong with the family court. Your child's safety and well-being has everything to do with you. Court ordered contact is far too protective of SHIT parents and doesn't do enough to protect children.

BantyCustards · 12/02/2017 08:22

I couldn't agree more, kitty, re the court system.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 12/02/2017 08:42

Trifle but he isn't pregnant, he's doing it through choice because he values a night out getting plastered more than he values limited time with his child. It's not fair for a child to be looked after by someone who is vomiting, has a headache and is probably not very pleasant to be around, all entirely avoidable, especially when he's probably excited to spend time with his dad. And I disagree about the safety issue, I think if he's had a complete skinful then there's a good chance his judgement is clouded and if he makes himself very ill then he will not be nearly attentive enough as someone in sole charge of a 2 year old needs to be.

evensmilingmakesmyfacehurt · 12/02/2017 08:42

@trifleorbust Are you kidding me? This is nothing like looking after a child whilst being pregnant / ill. He has form for drinking until he is a dribbling mess by the sounds of it.

My ex used to go out drinking like the OP's ex and come in at 6am still steaming drunk and be asleep or vomming in the bathroom for the rest of the day (hence now being an ex) luckily we didn't have any children but he wouldn't have been at all capable of caring for a child.

OP's ex gets 4 days a month with his son. He has another 27/28 days alone to go & get smashed, he should fucking well be a responsible adult when he has his child for the short amount of time he sees him. He should want to spend time with him. He is being a cunt and he knows it because he has lied to people to be able to go out.

OP, don't let him see your son if he can't be responsible. If he wants to pursue it, let it be through a contact centre. He will need to show up sober and you will soon see whether he actually wants a relationship with his child. I can completely see your POV.

Trifleorbust · 12/02/2017 08:56

evensmilingmakesmyfacehurt: I am not kidding. A hungover adult isn't a drunk adult. I think lots of men do do the 'can't do anything, too hungover' bollocks when it comes to childcare, but they still go to their jobs hungover and function well enough. As long as he isn't completely incapacitated he is more than capable of being in charge of a child the day after a night out.

Trifleorbust · 12/02/2017 09:00

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder: The emotional question of whether or not he should want to go out or see his son is a different question. Having a hangover is no different to being ill for any other reason. We wouldn't remove the child of a non-hungover individual because they were throwing up and had a headache. He is not unsafe if he is able to get up, make coffee, put the TV on and watch his son - thousands of people do that every day feeling very ill indeed.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 09:05

I would think that a man who has been drinking alcohol for 10 hours to the point he's completely plastered probably isnt "hungover" four hours after stopping but is actually still drunk.....

He sees his son 4 days a month and if he can't sacrifice getting drunk for one night to enable him to spend some quality time with his son then he's an absolute twat and as OP has said, most likely an alcoholic.

BastardGoDarkly · 12/02/2017 09:07

If he'd only been in 4 hours when his son got there, he would be drunk yes, coming down type of drunk, can't stay awake. He wouldn't have been safe to go to work, OR after a child.

Op YANBU , he's made it crystal where his priorities lie.

And that text was revolting.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 12/02/2017 09:08

Stop sending him messages. That message he sent you is absolutely disgusting.

You need to stop communicating with him unless absolutely necessary. Texting him to say he owes you an apology for lying is unnecessary communication - would you accept the apology if he suddenly turned in to a decent man and offered an apology? What is the likelihood that he is going to change?

No more text messages. The only thing you should be communicating about is visitation times.

He's obviously a total dick for using his overnights for drinking. Don't give up your job - if he does leave your son with relatives then that's your ex's loss but your son is safe with the relatives he knows, isn't he? Don't ruin your own livelihood because you'll be giving him exactly what he wants.

No more communication with this person. He sends you vile, disgusting messages and shows no respect for you. It's not your job to try to make him in to a good person - and it won't happen anyway. You don't have a relationship anymore - you don't need to be validated by apologies from him, you don't need to feel personally let down by him.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/02/2017 09:11

I think people are mistaking the idea of struggling on with a hangover, with being so hungover you are incapable of looking after a child. In my experience the difference is how motivated the adult is rather than the exact symptoms.

Some people are motivated to make sure the child is ok, and some people don't give a shit as they're too busy whining/ vomiting/ still drunk etc.

The two situations are sadly, very different.

Taking the alcohol out of the equations, these two examples work quite well (sadly):

E.g. 1 I was still being a good parent and prioritising DS wellbeing when I was very ill but had no one else to watch DS... by very ill I mean being blue lighted to hospital that night. Sometimes we think this is the norm as we'd all prioritise our children if we were even vaguely conscious. It's what we do.

Eg 2 poor DS's father was so selfish he couldn't see what the matter was with him being 'so tired' that he fell asleep when in charge of his poorly baby, it had only been 45 mins on his own as I'd been up all night with DS, not Mr- I'm so tired & selfish wanker. He couldn't even rouse himself as the poor diddums was SO tired when I came in and discovered DS floppy and unresponsive and lying unclothed on the floor, and his fucking father snuggled up on the sofa having a lovely nap. I ran carrying him out of the house to hospital, with him swearing behind me as I'd dared disturb his sleep. Didn't even phone me for almost 24 hrs, excuse being he needed some sleep and besides, DS was with me so would be fine... fine, though the last time he saw his son he was hardly breathing and I was screaming about hospitals... where the fuck did he think we were?! Well, in hospital with suspected (eventually ruled out thank god) meningitis.

Tossed.

Trifleorbust · 12/02/2017 09:16

MiscellaneousAssortment: That is disgusting!

Maybe I am being unreasonable because I know I could care for my child with a hangover. I may be forgetting that some parents don't give a shit about their kids and will spend more time worrying about the hangover!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/02/2017 09:17

(Tosser, not tossed!)

llangennith · 12/02/2017 09:21

Totally with you OP but...stop engaging with ex. No more texts. At all. If he needs to contact you he'll have to phone you.

SnugglyBedSocks · 12/02/2017 09:21

A friend of mine left her husband due in part to his alcohol intake. Her children are older than yours but he has a court order that states he is not allowed to injest alcohol whilst the children are in his care.

He apparently found this an outrage that on his one day a week contact he couldn't drink.

RandomMess · 12/02/2017 09:25

As suspected your Ex has a major drink problem. Stop contact let him do the work if he wants it back.

It would be good for your DD to still have contact with that side of the family if the ex bothers to see DS St the same time great but don't sweai it if he doesn't.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 09:25

Maybe I am being unreasonable because I know I could care for my child with a hangover...

If you only got to spend 4 days a month with your child would you jeopardise one of them by going out drinking for 10 hours beforehand so your day with them was wasted as you are too hungover to do anything with them?

I think that's what most people gave the issue with, not that he was hungover. It's the fact that he didn't care enough about his 1 day with his son to make his son the priority over getting pissed.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/02/2017 09:26

Agree with Miscellaneous , someone who doesn't prioritise a toddler enough to choose not to get out of their face on contact night is someone I'd worry about prioritising that toddler enough to stay awake and force themselves to keep parenting when feeling lousy. And that's before the whole 'should a toddler be around someone who's very drunk, never mind in their sole care' issue. Nurseries and preschools won't release a child to the sole charge of a parent who appears to be drunk or high, it's a safeguarding issue.

I think you'd have grounds to look at contact being day time only with no overnights OP.

Original poster

mrtumblesmistress1 · 12/02/2017 09:27

Thank you for all your messages and I appreciate both sides of the argument and take what everyone is saying on board.

I woke up to a barrage of messages from him and a video of where he was out drinking playing a song that he knows I like. More messages about bj's and then when I didn't reply another saying 'gay'.

No more messages since 2am thankfully and probably no more unless he starts drinking again today which is highly likely as he'll be hungover and need a 'curer'.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 12/02/2017 09:29

My ex is an alcoholic. The courts don't care. He had eow and half the holidays. The child was cared for not left home alone. What I think is irrelevant for that matter what the op thinks doesn't count for much either. She isn't allowing him to see the child. The child has a right to see his father.

BadToTheBone · 12/02/2017 09:30

YABU, he gets to decide what happens in his time with ds. End of.

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