Ex left DS to go out

[mrtumblesmistress1]

Ex's weekend with DS. I find out tonight he left him to go out drinking. Didn't ask me to swap, didn't tell me, just left him with a relative. His drinking has been a lot lately and one of the main reasons we are not together anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. AIBU to be fuming about this?

Oh dear I feel for you. He's clearly going to spend tomorrow feeling awful and in no fit state to at least care for and at best enjoy his DS. It sounds like the drinking has become a problem for him and something he is having trouble doing without. I think YANBU getting your DS but I hope your ex manages to sort himself out for your DS' sake

Yeh, he's not going to battle you if you don't do overnights again, sadly. His mum might 'on his behalf' (for her own relationship with her gs) but he won't.

Yanbu.

He has 26/27 other days of the month to get as smashed as he likes. He has 26/27 other days where he has zero responsibility for anyone but himself.

The fact he can't manage one weekend without getting to the point he's gonna be as useless as a glass sledgehammer when he's not seen his kid in 14 days takes the piss.

Poor you and poor ds.

The thing is the overnights were so I could work also. I have zero family here and no support and I work 5 days a week so when he had our son I worked. I will have to give up my job if I stop the overnights but I suppose it's a small price to pay. He has his other DS every Friday overnight also.

As pp said, You need to log all his behaviour.

I text him: u owe me an apology for your lies

His response: you owe me a blow job

What the actual fuck is wrong with this cretin

I'm so sorry OP. I have been there. I've lost work due to my ex not turning up for contact and changing it last minute. He doesn't see them at all now and I've had to tell my employer I'm available at weekends. They've now changed my contract to zero hours because of it. It's sucks. I know how angry and frustrated you must be.

Ok well you need to stop texting him while he is drunk!! Come on now, that's just looking for drama!

It sounds like moving so you and your DS are closer to your friends and family would be a good idea for you both.

Sorry your ex is such an Arse and that your having to deal with all of this whilst nursing a broken ankle,your little boy is lucky to have you

I text him when I just found out to tell him I was collecting our son and ended it with you owe me an apology. He just replied now with that. I haven't text him since earlier.

Yanbu. Also, in this situation, I'd be really unhappy to find that my child had been sent to sleep elsewhere without me knowing. It's not appropriate for a 2 year old to be sleeping in yet another place. Although in this instance it sounds as though you know and trust the uncle, what if the child had been sent to spend the night with someone unknown? How would you know it was safe for the child?

If he only has contact every other weekend then that's a handful of days a month at most. Not comparable to the OP who has the child the absolute majority of the time and might occasionally have somebody look after the child (if she does).

The drinking sound like a problem

You are NOT being unreasonable at all, your son is 2! He should be with you or your ex, or it should be discussed. 2 is a danger age, all sorts of accidents can happen in and out of the home - not to mention the emotional aspect. As you said, if he wanted to drink then he could have swapped. Perhaps you need to speak to a solicitor to revise the terms?

Exactly pinbasket. TBH I'd be more than happy for DS to spend the night with his cousins. That's not the issue at all but I'm sure ex will twist it so that it is. It's his lies, I asked him outright was he with DS or in the pub. He said he was with him and not in the pub. I asked for a pic of DS, he ignores me. I text his mum, she reads it and takes a long time to reply - whilst trying to figure out what to say to me I bet. Then she told me where my son was. And then didn't see the issue by saying 'surely when you go home to your family they babysit for you so you can go out?'. I think someone is missing the point..

I would agree with calling a cunt a cunt, but he's not as useful.

Hope you can get the abx replaced

Yes, don't bother wasting time text messaging a drunk, you won't get any sense out of him

Don't text him anything like that. It's antagonistic and he's a drunk with a serious attitude problem. You know it will result in nasty responses. Don't do it. Keep texts to discussion about contact only (if you intend to allow it) and don't get emotional or personal. Dont get drawn into arguments or slagging matches. Don't set yourself up to be annoyed.

He sounds like a total arse TBH and I struggle to understand why you are still so invested in him. You absolutely did the responsible thing in picking up your son but why then prolong your interaction with the arse-dad by texting him 'you owe me a big apology for your lies'? Surely all it needed was 'I've picked up son and brought him home'. Especially when you have reason to believe he is off his head and you aren't going to get any sense out of him. It comes off as craving his attention/needing to be right.

Your ex may well owe his son a million apologies but I can't see he owes you any more than child maintenance.

If he is going to be consistently unreliable perhaps you need to take steps to ensure any future access is supervised.

I won't be sending anymore messages, I was fuming at the time but I realise it'll get me nowhere.

Er who is looking after him overnight? Is relative staying the night? Unacceptable to be the only adult in the house in that drunken state overnight.

Mainly - I have him now.

He was staying overnight with his brother who's partner was dropping him back at 8am - ex would only have got home a few hours before so would be still drunk or extremely hungover, either way not fit to care for DS

Yeah that would be the last time he saw that child out of the confines of a contact centre if I were you op.

Waste of space has no business calling himself a father.

Any worthy parent would make those precious four days all about their child, making plans, having fun, building memories... He goes to the pub with his fucking mates.

Id move your son away op, he deserves so much more.

Could it have been a spare of the moment night out? And that's why he didn't ask to swap? Are you sure you would have been fine if he asked to swap weekends so he could go out drinking? Maybe he thought it would just save arguments, he had adaquate child care so seemed like the simplest solution Maybe his family member wanted to have him.

Funnyfarmer - definitely wasn't spur of the moment. He told his mum he asked me to swap and I said no - lies. I wouldn't have had a problem if he asked me no. He'd no kids last weekend and was out all weekend and my exact words to him were 'enjoy it you don't get a lot of time to yourself at weekends'. I don't begrudge him nights out or time to himself. It's his lies and irresponsible behaviour that I've an issue with.

If anyone (man or woman) thinks it's not selfish to go out drinking on one out of the four days a month they see their child then clearly priorities are completely up the left.

I'd want to spend time with my child in favour of going out in circumstances where quality time was limited (and it is in the instance of the OP).

It's not relevant whether the child is in bed asleep or on a high from additives swinging from the chandeliers, the parent should want to be there (in my opinion) when the opportunities to be around are as "rare" as they are here.

There's 26/27 other days in the month where the ex can be responsibility-free and socialise until his heart's content, there's no excuse for being absent.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, I understand why you're annoyed, I would be too. Just tell the ex that if in future he has other plans on a weekend that he is meant to be looking after your son to let you know and you will happily do a "swap".