Ex left DS to go out

[mrtumblesmistress1]

Ex's weekend with DS. I find out tonight he left him to go out drinking. Didn't ask me to swap, didn't tell me, just left him with a relative. His drinking has been a lot lately and one of the main reasons we are not together anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. AIBU to be fuming about this?

Obv safety concerns aside.

Writerwannabe83: If the problem is his attitude, I sympathise with that but I don't think it means he shouldn't be caring for his child. If he is unfit because he is drunk then that is completely different.

I've not stopped him seeing his child, where have I said that? I picked him up because I don't want him in someone's care who is unable to look after him. Despite everything with his alcohol abuse I have never physically stopped him seeing his child and I take offence to this comment as I won't be put into that bracket of someone who stops a child seeing their father. If I have safe guarding issues regarding my child yes I will take the steps to RESTRICT contact but I have not and never have stopped him seeing his child.

mrtumble you are doing the best thing for your son. I think the people saying YABU are underestimating what someone like your ex is actually like after one of these benders. If I'm understanding you correctly it's not as simple as a bit of a hangover. Coming in a few hours before your child gets up, steaming drunk, absolutely means that you are unsafe to look after them. He will still be drunk. It demonstrates poor judgement, and an inability to prioritise the wellbeing and safety of the child. If he turned up to work like that, he would be sacked. People do not go to work when they are in that kind of a state and get to keep their jobs.

I think you did the right thing in collecting your son and I would be going for supervised contact only. Let him turn up to a contact centre still drunk and stinking of alcohol and see if they think it's OK behaviour.

mrtumble I agree you've done the right thing. Going out for literally a couple of drinks and having a babysitter is understandable- getting trollied and getting home in the wee hours is not if you are expected to look after a kid the next day. You are the best judge of how your ex is when drunk, and it sounds like you have put the best interests of your son at the forefront of your mind. Unlike your ex.

Exactly, if he was capable of having just a few drinks and coming home at a decent hour and ok to looking our son the next day I would have been fine with it. But he lied and told me he had our son when he didn't and then lied to his family to say that I refused a swap which meant that he had tonight to get out and no doubt next Saturday as he hasn't had to swap with me!

The posters who are saying that the op is denying her son seeing his father are missing the rather large point that he wasn't seeing his father: his father was out drinking and he was in the care of a relative so she went and got him as he was going to be hungover the next day and wouldn't have been able to look after him. The op said that she thinks he should have swapped with her for another day instead of 'fulfilling' his obligations. The ex was not having contact with the child; the child seemed like an inconvenience.

ANd the other point to remember is that the child is 2 not 10. He is reliant on the people around him to care for him.

It's all just such a mess. There's a lot more to it but I can't go into too much detail but it's not a simple case of him going out and me going to pick our son up because I wasn't happy with it.

I am going to speak to a solicitor tomorrow to see where I stand and it's not to stop him seeing his son. It's to see what happens if I decide to move home and if I can somehow put a stop to The texts he sends me when drunk. I barely slept last night in case he showed up at my door.

OP I think you done the right thing picking your son up last night.

An adult having a drink and arranging babysitters for a night out is fine but not if they are going to drink to the stage where they are too ill to look after the child the next day.

I get there might be occasions such as a concert or a wedding or a big birthday bash that you really want to attend so you might arrange a sitter on your limited days with child. Getting pissed in the pub just because it's the weekend isn't a good reason (particularly when he has such few days with his son).

However I think any sensible person would know to not drink to excess on said night out as you would be up early with a little one the next morning. A mild hangover can be delt with alongside childcare, feeling like death and needing to sleep it off/ vomiting / or needing a 'hair of the dog' to feel better is not a state you can be in when you need to watch a toddler.

My dad was an alcoholic and I have many memories of being in his care when he got so drunk he passed out or was incapable of watching me properly.
For example - I remember he passed out on the bus when we where on our way to see my brother perform in a play. He eventually woke up when the bus got to the last stop and the driver woke him, I was about 6 at the time and it scared me as I had no idea where we where and if my dad was capable of getting us home.
I also have memories of just sitting in the tiny room of his bedsit for hours on end bored, hungry and wanting to go home because he had drunk so much he fell asleep on the chair (no tv or toys at his place). I was even scared to go to the toilet because of the other strangers living in the house. I wish mobile phones existed in those days so I could have asked my mum to come get me. (He didn't have a landline).

I know my experiences are not the same as your sons, but you really need to sort something out if your ex really does have a drinking problem. For your sons sake I really hope your ex doesn't get to the stage my dad did.

Keep all texts and messages to show your solicitor.

All messages, texts and videos are saved.

I'm not trying to stop him seeing his child but I've made the decision now that I need to move home and be with my family, he's put me through enough. Cheated on me whilst pregnant etc etc. I will make sure the necessary contact arrangements have been made before moving anywhere though.

Of course YANBU to be disappointed. DS gets 4 days with his df a decent dad would want it to be quality time (not hungover) and do bedtime. It's completely different for a resident parent to want a night off. That said it's on the level of being a bit shit but you can't do anything about it.

I think Op Thanksforallthefish has shown you that you did the right thing. Especially as your son is only 2 and won't have the language skills yet to tell you what is happening. I think you should stop overnights and make sure visits are shorter and supervised. Ask your solicitor about this. I hope your move happens. It sounds like the best thing for you and your son.

All this. Hes entitled a social life twaddle. Yes we know he is. Everyone is, but surely to God he can give it up for 2 weekends out the month. To spend time with his son. Not just for his sons sake, but for his own after all. Hes got nights out with the lads forever. Hes only got his son little for such a short time.
And let's not forget op has to give up some of her social life, as we all do when we choose to be parents.

The child is however 2 so in bed by 7 I would assume.

He was cared for by a family member. Is the ex supposed to just sit home all evening when the child is sleeping. I assume he comes home goes to bed and then gets up with his son who knows no better.

I am not sure there is a problem. I had assumed when I clicked on the link that the ex had gone out and left DS home alone.

Allthebest - have you read for full thread?

Writerwannabe83: I don't disagree, but I haven't read anything on the thread to give the indication that this is a regular thing? Are we saying that him going out even once is a good enough reason for his ex to limit contact? In my opinion that is excessive.

Oh - do you think he sounds like a one-night-only alcoholic?

Wish that was the case Kitty!

I haven't heard a word from him today. Says it all.

He's due to have her Tuesday evening at his mums - do I allow it?

I'd be furious!

He can go out drinking on the weekends when he doesn't have DS, he should be spending the four days he has him with him

And no, in all my years as a single parent I've never left my DC with anyone so that I could go out

You should get over yourself. He's wasting his time with his son, that's his choice and his problem. You need to enjoy the time you have with your son the rest of the time and leave him to it.

Wow camel, get over myself really? Have you even bothered to read the full thread?

Are you telling me you would leave your child in the care of someone possibly still drunk or too hungover to care for your child?

I wouldn't facilitate contact on Tuesday. You have let him know there are issues with contact. He has responded by being an arsehole. There is no legal obligation on you to offer contact. I would use this as the basis for negotiation of reasonable boundaries for contact in which he plays the part of a responsible adult, and if he doesn't engage in this he should seek a court order. Keep all evidence. Sober contact should be non-negotiable.

Forgot to say - whatever camel says, do the opposite!