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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex left DS to go out

195 replies

mrtumblesmistress1 · 11/02/2017 21:17

Ex's weekend with DS. I find out tonight he left him to go out drinking. Didn't ask me to swap, didn't tell me, just left him with a relative. His drinking has been a lot lately and one of the main reasons we are not together anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. AIBU to be fuming about this?

OP posts:
LostMyDotBrain · 11/02/2017 22:04

Hmm a decent parent does not have to want to spend every possible moment available to them with their children. Especially during their children's sleeping hours.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 11/02/2017 22:07

Also you are onto a good thing with 4 days out of 30. My cousins DCs are obliged to be with their dad 12 nights out of 28 and he palms them off on his office apprentice. I'd be inclined to pick my battles wisely on this one.

Original poster
mrtumblesmistress1 · 11/02/2017 22:08

Part of me feeling IABU but the other part feels let down by him - again. Had he told me he needed to swap or even mentioned he was going out and that DS was having a sleepover in his uncles I would have been ok but he's lied to his family and said I refused to swap with him and then lied to me this evening when I asked if he was out as the way he was texting was like he was drinking. I only found out that he was out because I asked his mum.

OP posts:
DontTouchTheMoustache · 11/02/2017 22:09

He is 2 so presumably not staying up late? So I'd guess your ex wouldn't be going out until he is asleep?
Was it a special occasion or something with a fixed.date (e.g. a friends birthday etc) that could not be changed? If so YABU as he would have no say in the date and is entitled to a social life as long as he is making sure his son is being cared for.
In terms of being too hungover tomorrow, well at this point you are making assumptions as he may not drink.that much and may come home at a reasonable time. Maybe he won't but it's not fair for you to write him off just yet.

Badcat666 · 11/02/2017 22:10

YANBU!! He can go and get pissed off his face the weekends he DOESN'T have his son.

He should spend the weekends he does have with him being a bloody father to him. Not fobbing him off with someone so he can get shitfaced.

He isn't being father, he is being an alcohol dependent areshole. And to the people saying "oh it's fine".... I bet he won't be looking after his son tomorrow, the relative will be because he will be hungover or still too pissed to look after a toddler.

Strange but all my friends who are separated/ divorced manage to arrange "going out" on the weekends they don't have the kids. Not the weekends they do.

NuffSaidSam · 11/02/2017 22:10

'a decent parent does not have to want to spend every possible moment available to them with their children'

They do when it's 4 days a month.

Original poster
mrtumblesmistress1 · 11/02/2017 22:11

Donttouch - he will 100000% be out of his face drunk and hungover tomorrow. He drinks until he is wrecked and then can't function the next day without either staying in bed all day or having another drink.

OP posts:
mytimewillcome · 11/02/2017 22:12

So did he take him while he was awake to his relative's house and then relative put him to sleep or did he wait until he was asleep and then relative looking after him at ex's house so your son is none the wiser? If it's the former then he's not a decent parent as he only sees him 4 days out of 30 if it's the latter then maybe it's not that bad.

Crispbutty · 11/02/2017 22:13

I'm sort of torn here as it's probably nice for him to have seen his relative, and presumably the only times he can see them are when he goes to his dads. He will be asleep now and he's safe with family, so hopefully your ex won't go on too much of a bender and will be spending time with your son tomorrow.

Original poster
mrtumblesmistress1 · 11/02/2017 22:15

He left him and went out when he was still awake. He's been out since 6pm whilst texting me telling me DS is fine etc when he didn't even have him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrtumblesmistress1 · 11/02/2017 22:16

Crispbutty, he can't just have a few drinks. He's a big drinker and will drink until he's passed out.

OP posts:
TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 11/02/2017 22:16

a decent parent does not have to want to spend every possible moment available to them with their children. Especially during their children's sleeping hours

A decent parent who only has contact for 4 days per month should absolutely want to spend every second of that time with their DC. He should be counting down the days until he sees him and making the most of every minute.

It's not the sleeping hours that are the issue (although at 2 he may wake in the night and it would be nice if his dad was there), but the following day since OP says he has form for being hungover as fuck and absolutely useless the day after a night out.

BuckingFrolicks2 · 11/02/2017 22:17

He's an arse. Completely unreasonable. YANBU.

Original poster
mrtumblesmistress1 · 11/02/2017 22:19

If he was the kind of person to just have a few and come home at a decent hour it wouldn't bother me so much but he's the opposite. He dropped our son off at 6 whilst texting me making out he was with him and all the while he was in the pub with his mates

OP posts:
ihatetosay · 11/02/2017 22:20

go and get him

Trifleorbust · 11/02/2017 22:20

Sorry but no, you have no more right to tell him he can't go out and get a babysitter than he has to tell you that. It is a pain in the arse but it is his contact time and he can ask someone to sit for him if he wants Confused

Original poster
mrtumblesmistress1 · 11/02/2017 22:20

He's sleeping beside me now x

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 11/02/2017 22:21

He left him and went out when he was still awake. He's been out since 6pm whilst texting me telling me DS is fine etc when he didn't even have him

Id be revising his contact privileges on this alone. It's fucking scary.

And to be honest, any parent who has 26/27 other nights in the month to go out drinking but just has to go out when he has his son, is just pathetic.

Trifleorbust · 11/02/2017 22:21

Although it does sound like his drinking is in general more of a problem than his contact arrangements.

Original poster
mrtumblesmistress1 · 11/02/2017 22:21

Trifle I know that, it's that he lied to me, told me he had our son when he didn't and will then spend tomorrow hungover and ignoring him. That's why I picked him up. Had he been honest or asked me to swap there wouldn't have been such an issue

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 11/02/2017 22:23

Well done for going to get him op Flowers

Trifleorbust · 11/02/2017 22:25

mrtumblesmistress1: He sounds like a grade A twat, but I am still not convinced he is under any obligation to tell you the truth or to swap with you. Sorry.

Original poster
mrtumblesmistress1 · 11/02/2017 22:27

Thank you Ollie

I've tried texting him to discuss but he's drunk and is like 'do what you want, you're a nut case' etc etc so I've given u.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 11/02/2017 22:28

Sometimes you just have to call a cunt a cunt and not make stupid excuses for people.

LostMyDotBrain · 11/02/2017 22:29

Why did you go and get him? Did you not feel he was safe with his relative? Wasn't he asleep? Hmm

Don't get me wrong, I get the frustration given the extra info you've given RE ex's drinking, but I don't see why, other than temper, you'd go and wake DS to bring him home from another family member.

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