To be this desperate? Or do I need a reality check?

[wellwouldyou]

This is so outing, but what the hell, I've namechanged. I'm 36. I've yet to have a relationship with either the opposite sex or mine, and I'm fast approaching 'fuck it, I've given up' territory.

Someone's just shared an ad on faceache for a programme for people like me and asking for applicants.

Should I try it, thinking it can't make life much worse ... or can it?

Any thoughts?

I don't know, I've browsed through all of your posts and it seems you're very set in your ways of turning down all suggestions, narrowing down on the potential candidates, and repeating to yourself constantly that it won't ever work ever, because it hasn't so far. Maybe you need to start over from scratch, reboot. It could be you're too picky about whom to meet. If you're a teacher maybe you should aim for other teachers and scour the teachers associations' meetups for other singles or widows, and not spend all your spare time on those most common dating sites you mentioned. Or, if you hang on, maybe you should overrule your prejudices and as a test aim at bald accountants in their late fifties and get to know them better, just as an experiment in order to see what happens.

Have you considered a life coach?

The thing that comes out of your posts are 2 things/
You're set in your ways, you've tried and "failed" so there is no point now
You have a low opinion of yourself which is tied to image.

A life coach could really help you change the way you see yourself.

Can you tell us about yourself OP? What kind of teacher are you? What are your friends like? What do you do in your spare time? Where do you go on holiday?

You started the thread but have put up a wall between you and posters who are trying to help.

Have you ever had the hots for anyone?

You've said your face is ok but your body is ? The wrong shape. I genuinely don't believe that body shape is a deal breaker for most, particularly if it's within the realms of normal (or more challenging certainly if you are 40 stone) but a bit of a belly or short legs really aren't the barrier like you think no they are.
I think you've talked yourself into hopelessness.
I can't understand you not talking to friends about it? I have a friend who has been unlucky in love and we talk about it all the time. Insight from friends really is valuable, if they are close friends they will probably know what the issue is about if you can convince them to be very frank with you.

I think it's very risky to go through all that in TV. If you are remotely insecure it will be amplified.

What about finding a life coach or similar so you can do the same thing but in private?

I think as many PPs have said, you are not a lost cause, but clearly they way you are approaching it isn't working, so some outside help to make a shift in approach might really make a difference.

I feel for you OP - and I don't think there's anything wrong with your personality no matter what some posters have said .

'Ugly' people get married and find love. I know many people who are not conventionally physically attractive, who are very overweight who are in relationships. It doesn't make sense that a lack of physical beauty means no-one will find you attractive.

In my experience, most blokes are actually not that fussy when it comes to bodies - they like women's bodies and want to have sex with them!

Are you setting the bar too high? I know that sounds dreadful but are you perhaps only interested in physically attractive people yourself so you are not looking at less attractive people online or in RL?

Have you asked your closest friends to be absolutely brutally honest with you about why they think you've had so little interest? It could be a huge eye opener.

Hope you're ok

I agre about the body thing. I know this is going to sound really crass, but the right clothes can make such a difference, confidence wise. Could you ask in Style and Beauty for some ideas about what you could wear to disguise the bits you're self conscious about? Everyone has these bits, but you can disguise them and feel so much better about yourself.
You sound a really nice person and I'm sure there's someone out there for you!

Yes Bakeoff I agree re clothes and styling even if it does sound a bit shallow! I am a size 8 but I have legs like tree trunks (literally, they are the same size from thigh to ankle and even my dh takes the piss out of them as they are like a baby's chubby legs!!). But I know how to dress for my shape and I highlight the good bits.

If you are a teacher then don't do the programme. Can you imagine what the kids would be like if they saw Miss on a dating show. It would be carnage and the SLT might take a fairly dim view as well.

Yeah well I am only a supply teacher these days but I did decide a few posts ago it wasn't for me.

I don't talk to friends about it because there's nothing to talk about really.

"I was from the age of 14 and it dampened my attraction to anyone and no one showed any interest in me. Coming off the pill was a revelation and suddenly sexual attraction was there in both directions."

Ineednewshoes, did you lose your sex drive completely i.e. no fantasising or masturbating or was it just not externalised as in not fancying anyone or feeling that anyone fancied you?

What do you actually want to do? There's a massive disconnect between wanting to change your life and considering going on a tv programme to do that, and being closed down and refusing to engage with any ideas.

I don't know if you'll ever find someone, and I don't know if you'll find happiness without someone. I do know with absolute certainty that you won't do either of those things if you carry on with this mix of desperate hope and solid negativity.

Perhaps this tv advert is prompting you towards a crossroads where you decide what you do next?

I get the weariness of having travelled this path for so many years. Having tried everything you can think of, it's hard to remain open to ideas when people suggest everything you've tried and dismissed before. It becomes a lonely path.

But a fresh perspective is really the only thing that can help, if you've exhausted all ideas from your own perspective.

I think going through a dating agency but with the input and support of a life coach might help 'unblock' the problem and really get you approaching dating and engaging with people in a different way. But that won't work unless you can be open to it, if you turn that closed disnissiveness on, you'll not get very far. You need to find a middle ground where it's about 'generous critical thinking', where you learn from past experiences, rather than dismiss the whole thing out of hand.

Things that haven't worked on the past might work better under different circumstances. Things that didn't work then might work if done in a different way, or done in combination with other ideas too.

I do wonder that you've not discussed any of this with your friends. Do you talk about any other 'deep' stuff with them? Do you have close friends? People you let in to your self?

You say you don't see the point in talking to friends about this stuff. But surely, it's not about a point or a purpose, it's about closeness, intimacy and caring for one another? Maybe you'd feel better to talk about it? Or is it something you keep so locked away and hidden because it's just too upsetting?

I'm just wondering if there's anything else in the way you hold back from friends? Is there always a block between you and others? I don't mean to sound rude, I'm just wondering if there's a clue in this that might help you? If you do find it hard to let people in, to be close, intimate, this might be effecting how you come across to people in general?

Gwen - my sex drive was still there but it was as if I lacked the physiological pull both from or to the opposite sex. Our hormones are designed to make us both want a mate and attract a mate; the pill seemed to meddle the natural course of things to me.

I talk to men very easily and enjoy their company and always have done but the kind of next level was missing for me while I was on the pill.

Life coach would be the way to go I think.

Part of attraction is sending out the signals you are interested - it can be very subtle. If you think you aren't going to have much luck before it's even begun you are probably sending out the signal you aren't interested.

So somehow you need to get to the place where you feel able to pull and not feel so defeatist. It's a bit catch 22 I think. Which is why working on your esteem, getting what you want in life sorted and getting some tips on how to fake it til you make it.

Thasnk INeed, that's really interesting.

Do people think that life coaches really work? I know of someone training to be a life coach whose own life is certainly not in a great state. I'm a bit dubious about them.

OP, when I was younger I thought I was extremely ugly. Not only had no-one ever shown any interest in me, but I had been bullied at school for being ugly and on occasion harassed in the streets about my hideous face.

Like the friends of some previous posters, I spent some time abroad and had to arm myself with the proverbial shitty stick while there. I don't think it was solely the change of scene, but also that fact that British people often are not very direct, but people in some other countries are often more direct, so if people were interested, they let me know. I realised that it was possible that people had been interested in me all along, but I had not had a fucking clue because:

a) they were doing their strange, indecipherable courtship dance; and
b) I thought I was so ugly I never even considered it possible that someone could be interested in me.

After I came back, despite my sudden realisation that I was actually attractive to many people, I was still single for years, because even knowing I was attractive, I had no idea how to flirt or recognise anything but the most blatant flirting.

I am now married to my lovely, straightforward, non-flirting husband who I met when I was 36.

So I think it is very possible that your problem is not ugliness, but is more likely to be that you don't understand the courtship dances signs when someone is attracted to you.

Miscellaneous let's be honest, there's nothing more boring than someone who drones on about how awful their life is.

Besides there is nothing to say!

'Hey everyone, I'm still single!'

Anyway, doesn't matter. I got a fleeting idea yesterday that things couldn't be any worse. Today I know better!

OK, Wellwouldyou, I know I could be softer, however presumably you posted on here because you wanted help to change your situation, not just people saying 'poor you'.

You've decided not to do the programme - what are you going to do, then? You're clearly not happy. I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that the relationship thing is just part of it, not the whole thing. I don't actually believe you regarding the ugly aspect, but let's just say you are. There are ugly people in life, there are people who live their entire lives on their own - for whatever reason. You can't let your entire happiness hinge on someone else and the possibility of meeting someone (I'm not saying it isn't going to happen, but you can't wait and put off being happy because of it).

You need to find ways to be happy now. Talk to a doctor, you are sounding seriously depressed - that may just be that you are feeling frustrated with us but you may need to address that medically. Take a good long look at your life and see if there are things you can do to make you more happy even if it's fleeting. Write down a list of little things that make you happy ( - to give you an idea, mine would include things like jelly tots (I like sweets!), a walk on the hills, a fire, a good book) and make time to do those things and consciously try to feel happier, even artificially. It may sound ridiculous, but the more happy you are with yourself, the more approachable you are to other people. As I mentioned before - if you don't like yourself, why would anyone else?

I'm sorry if this sounds brutal, hopefully you can see this as the 'tough love' I intend it to be, but you're not the only person who has felt this way. You need to take an objective look, deal with any medical causes - hormone inbalance, depression, that might be affecting you, and then take responsibility for making some positive changes.
I hope you can understand that I am trying to help, as are most other posters on here - we wouldn't take the time to post otherwise.

It's not brutal but what I don't think you 'get' is it's not a headache.

Turn up at the doctor 'hello, no one has ever fancied me.' And he'll look at me like

OP my SIL who is in her 40s has never had a partner. I think she went in a blind date or two years ago but nothing ever came of them.

She is a normal looking woman. She has a good career. But from what I can see she doesn't really do much to change her circumstances. She acts and dresses as if she is twenty years older than she is. She is always 'right' which is very tiresome and she is a very poor listener, looking around the whole time someone is talking to her, listening to other people's conversations in the group beside her while ignoring the person in front of her. She will not talk to anyone (male or female) who she deems beneath her and she is hugely impressed by money and status. This is very apparent after mere minutes of talking to her and at gatherings, people quickly move away from her and she is generally left sitting with elderly aunts and uncles who are hard of hearing.

She would like to be with someone but she has set a very high bar as she perceives herself to be better than most people. She is probably unlikely to end up with the neurosurgeon she wants but she is missing out on the ordinary 'employees'.

Is there any chance you are setting a very high bar too?
Can I ask what you are doing to meet people? They won't come knocking on your door so you have to go out to find them. I'm not sure what dating website you used but could you try another one? I know of five couples who met through a dating website. There are some that are aimed at professional people where you are interviewed, fill in forms to meet a match. At least you know the people using these are really looking for someone and not just lazily setting up fake profiles.

I apologise if I sound tough. I'm not suggesting you are anything like my SIL. I wonder though if you did something enjoyable like say salsa dancing, wouldn't that be a good way to get out there and have fun? When you are relaxed and happy, you will be attract people - male and female and though you might not end up dating them, you will enjoy yourself and who knows who you might meet through new friends.

ETA I meant to add that your friends won't mind if you open up to them and tell them how you feel. That is what good friends are for. Chat to them. I'm sure you listen to their relationship woes, their worries about kids and problems at work. Friendship is a two way thing.

I understand where you are coming from, have had similar experiences, have had all of those lovely experiences of strangers coming up to me in the street to tell me just how unattractive I am. Went 20 years single. I have an auto immune condition which makes me look different. It's tough and it isn't easy to discuss even with close friends we all have our pride. But at the end of the day we all have a degree of choice over the kind of life we want to live. If you are as dismissive and negative in RL as you are coming over in this thread then I think that could be the major part of your problems. I decided years ago that I could either feel sorry for myself or get on with my life.

It's not brutal but what I don't think you 'get' is it's not a headache

We're very much getting to the stage now where we're going round in circles. I agree with redstar - this goes much further than just being single. In all your responses wellwouldyou you come across as defeatist and as displaying absolutist thinking. E.g. you think you absolutely won't meet anyone but that if you did, it absolutely would make things better for you.

The reality is more that you might, or might not, meet someone. If you do, it won't fix things. Oh it might temporarily make you feel much buzzier, but it won't fix that deep underlying unhappiness. Plus you're unlikely to meet anyone whilst giving the sense that it all depends on them, as it's just too much pressure.

So no, don't go to the doctors and say "I'm single". Go and say you don't feel as if there's any joy in your life. That you feel despairing, that you turn everything in on yourself, that you think in absolutes and you feel defeated. Then you'll probably be diagnosed with depression.

Which, take it from me, is a lot fucking worse than a headache.

I think I'm going to leave it there as I'm finding it frustrating. I know you didn't mean that comment I cited above rudely, OP. However, it felt offensive to me. I think you've had really good advice from several people here and I wish you luck for the future.

I've read through and honestly there is no helping you. You say you want to change but you don't really I think this thread was made because you are lonely and need some company. It sounds harsh but there is no helping you, you have been sarcastic and stand off-ish. You reject any ideas given to you yet you want to go on a show for help?? What will do when they suggest trying anything? Turn it down, say it's not for me? They'd kick you off. Come back when you will actually accept advice.

Of course there is no helping me! Gosh, I'm sorry but do you not think if all it took was joining a dating website, I'd be ok by now?