To be this desperate? Or do I need a reality check?

[wellwouldyou]

This is so outing, but what the hell, I've namechanged. I'm 36. I've yet to have a relationship with either the opposite sex or mine, and I'm fast approaching 'fuck it, I've given up' territory.

Someone's just shared an ad on faceache for a programme for people like me and asking for applicants.

Should I try it, thinking it can't make life much worse ... or can it?

Any thoughts?

Look, I've had a drink so I'm going to be blunt.

Being in a relationship doesn't really have that much to do with looking beautiful. Lots of people aren't stunners, may have what others think of as deformities, but still have relationships. Why? Personality has a lot to do with it. But think about it a bit like a job interview - you wouldn't go to a job interview and list all your negative points or all the reasons they shouldn't hire you. You sound like you don't like yourself, so why should anyone else? Take a little time to think about your good points, your positives and try and (at risk of sounding American! - I'm not!) learn to like yourself a bit more. Be brave and start showing those positives to people and see how they react. I found it made a huge difference, just making more eye contact with people and actually smiling at them - I didn't realise I wasn't being very approachable, until I made a concerted effort to smile. Incidently, I may have frightened a few - but who cares if they're that easily scared off!

The show wasn't named - just said they were looking for people in their 30s who had been unlucky in love!

How brave to think of doing this! And why not? You fit the bill of what they are looking for and it might be a fun and interesting experience. Presumably everyone who ends up on the show will have gone through all this agonising too, so you'll meet others whose experiences may have been similar. Which could be very interesting. And you never know, you might find things turn out differently than you are imagining. Or you might learn new and interesting things about yourself. You deserve a break, and this might be it. Be brave and try this because it's different

OP lets say you have a little daughter. She is twelve and comes home from school and tells you she is ugly. She has no friends because she is ugly. What would you tell that little girl?

I'd be wary that the show would be exploitive.

I don't think you're single because you're ugly. Unless, instead of a human face you actually have a large steaming turd for head, no humans are that ugly. We all look okay.

I don't think so Waitrose, its probably because we are talking about things that make me feel defensive. I'm not like that generally (honestly!)

I don't know Ho, because I'm never going to have a twelve year old daughter. But in any case, you're just trying to find reasons because you have to, you know.

Not because you'd have to............

Okay then, can you say what your last date/encounter was like? You said somebody walked out? Can you explain the scene so we might understand it a bit better?

I have a friend who is forty three. She is not conventionally beautiful. She is striking and attractive in a quirky way. She is far more interesting to talk to and look at than the vast majority of people in a bar. She leads a full and varied life, she has a great job, she goes on very exotic holidays five times a year. She is very interesting and knowledgeable. She is very liberal. She is very up to date on all kinds of subjects. She loves going to gigs. She goes to European cities for a night out. She is a really good laugh. She takes care of her appearance. She is always out and about.

She has had one night stands, she has had holiday romances but she has never had a relationship. Ever.

Sometimes she hits the gin and cries because she has resigned herself to a life on her own. So she has decided to fill it to the brim with experiences. I am truely baffled why she hasn't met somebody. I asked her if she was choosey. She said she doesn't get a chance to choose because she is never chosen. I wonder if men are intimidated by her.

That was it, really! Arranged to meet in a pub but I saw someone making towards the door sharpish. That was 5 years ago .

You've had some great advice here OP, Gabilon, BadKnee, Red Star etc. I would ponder on what has been said.

It is definitely not because you are 'ugly'. I think your negative thought patterns (NOT your personality, two different things!) are an issue.

Is it worth looking at the root cause of those? Patterns formed in youth? A hurtful prior experience? Both? Can I ask what happened with the last person that you liked? Or the last person you like a lot?

Have you ever had CBT? / would you consider it?

I would definitely not do the tv show, in case that is still a consideration...

If it's any consolation. I am physically attractive. Even did some lucrative modelling work. And I've been single my entire life.

May I ask what you do for a living? I'm just wondering if you have anti-social hours or a lot of work stress.

Im married now, but I was always the single one in the coat queue fetching everyone else's coats at the end of the night whilst they were all snogging blokes In the club somewhere.

I was never particularly boy made either, rarely fancied anyone - had no real or celebrity crushes.

I've had a few relationships, but every single person that I've ever been with, including my DH, were people that I "knew" first. I don't think I get attracted to people immediately. I might think that they are good looking, but Ive never felt attracted to people until I've got to know them.

i wonder if it's a similar thing for you op? And hence online dating not doing "it" for you?

No, not really. I'm a boring teacher!

Someone turning up, seeing you and running away is a right of passage. Heck, it was covered on Friends 20 years ago. Ditto your date climbing out of the toilet window (covered on Big Bang Theory). It doesn't mean you're hideously unattractive and destined to be alone forever. It means that person didn't want to date you at that point in time.

And I do get how frustrating and difficult it is when you feel like you're continually being rejected, I really do. But thinking in absolutes isn't (generally) healthy. Try to build a life that you're happy with OP, independent of any romantic attachments. Then if you meet someone, great, If you don't, well you don't. Personally I don't think there is someone for everyone. Demographically it just can't be true. But I think the vast majority of us could find someone given the right amount of luck.

I'd be wary that the show would be exploitive. Well, maybe; though I suppose one could always pull out if something didn't feel right; but the show hasn't asked for 'ugly' people in their thirties, (which would sound exploitative) they've asked for people who've been unlucky in love which could be for a variety of reasons. It is the OP's perception and opinion that she is unattractive and that that's why she doesn't have relationships, but that (the ugly) is not an actual fact, and also may not be the reason. Because there'll be a variety of people there with the same problem as OP, which will probably be caused by different things, and they may well have inaccurate perceptions about why they've been 'unlucky in love'.

Think I'm sounding a bit garbled now

Wellwould you, it's not becasue you're ugly. I was absolutely stunning when I was a young woman and still have utterly failed at relationships all my life.
I think it is a low self esteem thing, at 55 I've now given up and resigned myself to being single which is easier as the menopause has rendered me no longer needing sex.
Don't give up, go on the show, have some fun and try new things.

I've tried to do that gab but there's a huge hole in my life.

Hey OP 💐. Your experience sounds incredibly painful. I am going to post in more detail later but absolutely do not let any idea that you are in some way ugly hold you back. Hate the way our lookist society commoditises women on the basis of looks. No to TV show. Will post again when not out.

Could friends partially fill that void?
Would you consider being a single mum - would a baby fulfill that need? I know of somebody who wanted a partner and a child. She never found the partner but she went abroad for IVF and is now happily settled with a child.

Friends are great. But they have their own lives. And you can't shag them I think I'd be a rubbish single mum, sadly!

I just sent you a private message.

I would say no to TV show because its main aim isn't to help you, it's entertainment and while the producers will have a duty of care to you, social media can really amplify things and that's potentially very damaging if you're in any way vulnerable. Can you take the emphasis off dating for a bit and invest in yourself - you mentioned counsellors and I'd encourage you to try that again - can you ask for recommendations from friends? It sounds trite but loving your self really important. I also think attractiveness is about so much more than looks, it's energy, passion, warmth. I'm sure you sick of people suggesting evening classes but they might be a better option than the cattle market of online dating. And OP, for what it's worth loads of men have told me I'm ugly. Yes it hurts but I refuse to be defined by their opinion.

EUnamechange expressed it very well. The way to find a "tag" or a "hook" something that you have in common with someone - not in a calculating way but because people are fascinating!

One of the "ugliest" men I ever knew was pretty much shunned. He was small, had been very badly burned in an accident and his face was dreadfully scarred. He was defensive and difficult, (no wonder), but he was a trainspotter and when I talked to him about his trains and where he went to see them and who he'd met and what he knew - his whole personality shone through. And I loved it and I learnt so much. That was his "thing". We became friends - and it was nice. There is always something. And there is nothing more attractive than someone who finds you attractive.

You have nothing to lose by applying to the programme but as others have said check it out thoroughly before deciding.

Maybe take the other advice on here, travel, change your look, more counselling - and see where it leads. Good luck.

Oh, and I am certainly no beauty!!

I wouldn't make myself reality tv fodder for love nor money. They will edit things, cut parts together etc and potentially portray you as a completely different person than you are to make it more "interesting" and dramatic to get more viewers. Like those episodes of shows like come dine with me when they only seem to air the dodgy things certain contestants have said and not the other 3 or 4 hours of the night, for all 4 nights of the competition. It makes them look like total arseholes and will probably give them a bad reputation afterwards. Add to that everyone who watches it will be judging you, your looks, your personality, i'd not do it in a million years.

I'm ugly, but I'm clever and confident. I haven't been single since I was 16. I look dreadful in photos and online dating just netted me old dudes. However, DH was also online dating at 38, a virgin, and not having much success, but we are clearly made for each other. He thought he was ugly, but he is adorable. Why nobody snapped him up before, I don't know! Perhaps trying again? Someone is out there! Not specifically looking often helps!