To be this desperate? Or do I need a reality check?

[wellwouldyou]

This is so outing, but what the hell, I've namechanged. I'm 36. I've yet to have a relationship with either the opposite sex or mine, and I'm fast approaching 'fuck it, I've given up' territory.

Someone's just shared an ad on faceache for a programme for people like me and asking for applicants.

Should I try it, thinking it can't make life much worse ... or can it?

Any thoughts?

Oh, no ones ever been attracted to me. I've obviously been attracted in some cases but nothing ever came of it.

Online, when all they have to go off is a photo, that's plausible. Not everyone is the type of stunner some of the more emotionally stunted men on online dating will go for (I'm sure there's some non-emotionally stunted ones, I don't think my friends have found them though!)

In real-life though, if you are nice and have a nice face, then I think it is lack of opportunity. What job do you do? Do mainly women work there? Where can you meet men in a friendly rather than a dating setting? It's actually very hard to meet people if you don't go out in bars and nothing happens in the workplace.

Possibly then. I don't think I've been in a bar since 2008!

Problem is, I'm not a heifer that would get any interest from those sites either! I have short stumpy legs and a long body with a big belly even when I'm slim(ish) - which I am not at the moment!

Admittedly I have just stopped trying now.

Go for it, find out some more before ruling it out. My friend met her husband at speed dating and a colleague met her husband through online dating.

wellwouldyou "Never once had a relationship, never once had a scrap of interest." A friend of mine confessed' a few years ago that at age 16 he had been in love with me. We are both happily married and I just filed it among the interesting facts file in m y head, but I had not idea how strongly he felt.

I guess I am saying you do not know whether anyone has been interested.

HecateAntaia amazing post. Excellent.

What do you mean by "stop trying" or "give up"?

I'm single, been so most of my adult life, and whilst yes I would like a relationship (notwithstanding the problems folk post about on here!) I'm just concentrating on living my life for what it is. Not for what it might be, or could be. I'm working, going to nights out, member of various clubs / groups where I engage with "people", who get to know "me". They've all seen me bigger, and having lost weight; with my hair done and not; they've seen me excel at my job and struggle; with make-up on and looking deathly pale without etc. OK I've not married any of them, but I don't think any of them are totally repulsed by me.

Sadly, you could have had a relationship for the last 20 years, and it could have been abusive or unfaithful or whatever, so be careful of wishing for what everyone else has has. That proverbial grass isn't always greener.

That said, genuinely, what is it that makes you describe yourself as "ugly"? If you think it's an issue - and I suspect it's probably not - but can you do something about it. Can you get your hair cut, wear make-up, lose or gain weight, wear different clothes style? I'm not suggesting the potential love of your life is so superficial to write you off as ugly today, but fall madly in love with you tomorrow because your hair is different or you're wearing lipstick .... but would it change your opinion of yourself?

I know it's difficult, but if you think you're "ugly", you'll be throwing off negative vibes ..... I can sense that just in your posts here, so anyone you speak to or message online possibly thinks it too. Are they not staying in touch because they think life with you could be tough, always sounding negative, nothing works etc rather than any perception of being "ugly" (whatever that is).

Can you say roughly the places you go ever at the moment where you might meet someone? For example I work in a medium sized organisation and there is a chance if I were looking for love that here might be a handful of single men where I work.
I go to the pub with friends about 5-6 times a year (I'm not a big pub person!)
I do a sport (Taekwan-do), which I am literally crap at
I go to a church, most of the men are married or much younger than me, or a few widowed older than me
I usually attend a conference, sometimes related to work, maybe once a or twice a year

Without outing yourself can you say where you might realistically meet men?

Also you might not be noticing the men who are interested or giving off a certain vibe. Like pp has said live your life for what it is and when you stop looking you might well find someone. But I know that's rubbish when you want someone. Put yourself out there.

I've just read this article...

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/ugly-love-meet-four-women-7139454

I found it very inspiring and encouraging.

I've not seen it on television and I think in some ways that is a programme can cover these stories it may be useful just to watch, rather than be part of!

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2016/01/14/too-ugly-for-love-tlc-difficulties-of-dating-with-alopecia_n_8977252.html

Anyway, I think there are a lot of people 'struggling' with issues in relation to dating. But I really do believe that it's possible to overcome these things.

You sound very low on confidence. That can in itself be a bit off putting and can be misconstrued as not interested. You say you are ugly but your face is ok. So use that to advantage! Nice hair, nice make up and a smile. Nobody half decent will clock a few bodily imperfections before spotting a smiley face. Clothes were invented to conceal the body and clever choices will help dramatically. Get a friend to help if needed.

Can you ask a trusted friend for some honest feed back on where you might be going wrong? Don't discount bad luck and timing. I know two lovely women, neither remotely ugly, who just didn't meet The One until a fair bit later than your current age. Also don't discount the possibility of being attracted to women if you haven't considered this properly. Another friend was long term single and then fell in love with a woman and realised she had been looking for the wrong person entirely.

Finally, meet new people in a relaxed sort of atmosphere as much as possible. You may never just bump into someone and get that magic moment, love can be a slow burn, too. Don't give up.

Our culture is obsessed with romance which is a shame. Gets quite irritating. Do you want someone who meets you real life to give you perhaps constructive criticism? I guess that's what the FB programme would lead to.

What is your weight or BMI, OP?
Does your weight limit your activity, or do you have a limiting health condition?

tbf, I know plenty morbidly obese people with partners.

I don't really care that I'm ugly other than the fact that it's stopped me doing a lot of stuff I would have liked to.

What kinds of things do you mean if you don't mind me asking?

I half wonder if you're someone I know when I read this (Not based on your physical descriptions of yourself).
She'd be around the same age as you, has had a few dates with someone who was on the rebound about 12 years ago and hasn't dated since. I assume she's happy single as she hasn't said otherwise but she doesn't really meet men. Her work is mostly female with some men who are much much younger and her hobbies are crafting and going to the cinema... So unless she bumps into someone at the supermarket there's not really much opportunity there...

I think its possible to have a varied and active social life without meeting many potential dates.

I'm 34 and have mostly been single all my life, yet I have always had a busy, enjoyable social life. I just so happen not to have met many single men who I was attracted to.

I play in two orchestras
I work in an office with 150 colleagues
I go to plenty of evenings in pubs, dinner parties etc.
I have lots of friends
I go to an exercise class every week

Until recently (I'm now pregnant having had fertility treatment with donor sperm):
I played badminton
I went to a cycling club

FWIW I'm pretty sure that I am not ugly. I wasn't interested in men in my 20s (see earlier post about the pill suppressing any feelings of attraction) and I think by the time I was interested and ready to date in my 30s there were very few single men left. I have had short relationships with guys from online dating and with a guy I was set up with by a friend but none of these had long term potential.

I think some people are just unlucky and don't meet any or many 'the one(s)'. And there's not always a reason (like being ugly, not getting out enough etc.).

Surely most people will recognise that there was an element of luck in meeting their other half?

I think you should consider it. Why not? You must be a bit interested to post in here.

My mate just applied to go on Love Island. I'm all for it, it'd be great for her.

I think its possible to have a varied and active social life without meeting many potential dates

I completely agree, but what is also true is that if you don't have a varied and active social life, or a way of meeting men in the workplace, then you are a bit stuffed in terms of finding someone! If you say worked in a primary school and didn't go out much, you'd be hard pushed to find a mate. Mind you, my children's primary school teachers are always getting married or going on honeymoon, so perhaps my theory doesn't hold up!

I'm not going to meet anybody. I think I am moving towards a point of acceptance with that. And yes, I know I could have spent the last twenty years in an abusive relationship but as it is ive spent them alone, and I'll probably spend the next twenty years alone as well. Knowing others are miserable isn't hugely helpful!

I hadn't had any serious relationships and was turning 30. So signed up to a dating agency. Wasn't doing it to meet my 'Mr Right', just wanted to get some confidence as I had very little . After about 6 different dates, I met the man who became my husband. Very happy too. We are about to celebrate our 14th anniversar So agencies can work

Yes - for you!

Do it! Why not?!

I am ugly to look at and socially awkward.

I understand where you are coming from with this - but the best way to try and conquer it all is to just be happy being you.
Stop looking, stop thinking about the whole relationship thing-which is just stressful and disappointing- and replace it with doing things which you enjoy.
A great relationship is wonderful - but even some of the most aesthetically beautiful people never find "the one".
In my experience you find someone who accepts you for what you are, simply by being you and living life your way - whatever that is.

The thing is though I have gone through months, years even, of not thinking about relationships.

I have actively tried to find someone.

Neither work! Which is why I vaguely contemplated this because let's face it, nothing else has worked. I suppose I was thinking someone just might see 'me' and like me. But they won't.

Do you think maybe you could come across as being too keen? I understand especially when you feel time is running out and you'll never meet someone. Could your friends put you in touch with single men? I'd look again at adjusting your online dating profile and also maybe try a match maker. I'd also look at the app meetup and see if there is anything around that where you might meet someone.