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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be this desperate? Or do I need a reality check?

249 replies

wellwouldyou · 11/02/2017 15:16

This is so outing, but what the hell, I've namechanged. I'm 36. I've yet to have a relationship with either the opposite sex or mine, and I'm fast approaching 'fuck it, I've given up' territory.

Someone's just shared an ad on faceache for a programme for people like me and asking for applicants.

Should I try it, thinking it can't make life much worse ... or can it?

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 11/02/2017 20:28

"I believe there is someone out there for everyone."

There obviously isn't though Lexie. These kinds of platitudes don't help anyone.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 11/02/2017 20:33

Just wanted to recommend this book The Single Trap - written by a therapist about how to escape long term singleness.
After reading it and some subsequent therapy I met my dh.

andrewgmarshall.com/book/the-single-trap/

DizzyFizzyLizzy · 11/02/2017 20:34

Nah coz dignity

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 11/02/2017 20:35

I would also look at proper old fashioned dating agencies, the type where they interview you and a matchmaker personally sets you up on dates. I think it can be quite pricey, but you will find people who are serious about wanting a relationship, and also have their expertise in choosing dates for you

Gabilan · 11/02/2017 20:46

what you all don't realise is I've come to understand that I am unattractive due to the lack of interest, i don't believe I am unattractive therefore lack of interest

And what you don't realise OP is that some of us have been through this process, realised that the thought processes were linked to depression, had therapy, and come out the other side.

OK, you probably aren't Angelina Jolie or Milla Jovovich but which of us is? Look around you. Look at the people in relationships. Only a tiny minority of people have the "perfect" figure and face that the media sell to us. And even those don't really - you see a photoshopped, manipulated version of them.

If you've got friends, you can have a relationship. But to meet someone you need a lot of luck and you need to be open to it. You can help luck along by socialising more. The being open to it? That I think you need help with.

And I think you want that help, despite what you're saying, or you wouldn't have started this thread or be contemplating this programme.

Original poster
wellwouldyou · 11/02/2017 20:47

I read that book, it's a good read, although it hasn't changed anything

Maybe gab but the fact is I have had therapy, with 3 counsellors and the fact it it just doesn't help me. I'm sorry, I wish it did, I wish I was different.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 11/02/2017 20:47

I had a friend who at 28 had never been kissed. She cried in the taxi as she told us not one kiss or one date or anything. Now ten years later she's married with three children so anything can happen. Equally some people (and I include myself) are going to stay single and while it can often be lonely, I think we can find ways to cope with it and still have a fulfilling(-ish) life. Different types of lives are equally valid.

PovertyJetset · 11/02/2017 20:54

If you're happy to put yourself out there... then apply. You can pull out if you want to.

ReapAndSow · 11/02/2017 20:57

I wouldn't go on a show like that as I wouldn't want the attention and I would be worried about how they would edit it. Shows like that tend to be exploitive even if they are presented as being helpful.

OP, do you want to date people because if you are not that fussed about it then that's ok. I wonder if some people want to date because they think that's what you are meant to do.

As for your looks. I can't say if you are pretty or ugly or average but I do know that all sorts of people to manage to find partners so I'm not convinced that looks are important.

Is there anything that you can do to make yourself feel better. Health wise? Weight wise? Grooming wise? Finance? Career wise? What about your mental health? I know you are worried about the fact you are alone but what about other issues such as depression etc. I know you can't just wave a magic wand and make things perfect but if you can try and sort out any other issues that might be effecting your confidence and happiness it might have a knock on effect to how 'attractive' you feel.

I hope I've explained that ok.

Original poster
wellwouldyou · 11/02/2017 20:57

I always wanted to marry and have a family of my own. I do get lonely.

OP posts:
Bloopbleep · 11/02/2017 20:58

My male friend who is stunning looking hadn't so much as kissed a female (or male) well into his thirties. He was lovely and generous but just didn't give off the "I'm in the game for a relationship vibes" so was rarely approached. When he was approached he didn't see that people were chatting him up or flirting so didn't respond in a way to show his interest. He was so low in confidence and thought nobody ever fancied him and he must be ugly. He was so far from ugly that many women thought he wouldn't be interested in them. He went travelling for a couple of months to Australia and came back a totally different person. He'd had a few flings and it gave him huge amounts of confidence, maybe too much confidence. But the radical change of scene made a big difference to him. When you hang out with the same people in the same places it's hard to invent a new more outgoing relationship seeking persona.
Maybe it's not you (looks or personality) as much as your flirtation technique that's stale?

Original poster
wellwouldyou · 11/02/2017 21:00

Maybe.

But I guess I just don't know anyone who is like me. Everyone, even if they were bullied at school, abused at home, homeless, helpless, desperate - finds someone. Perfectly willing to concede so,e of those relationships might be bad relationships but still relationships, you know?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 11/02/2017 21:03

Talking about the change of scene, I know someone who travelled Latin America and had some kind of awakening, came back much more confident.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 11/02/2017 21:03

I watch First Dates, and as awful as it sounds, there was one episodes with a really ugly woman on, and most people aren't actually ugly at all, she get on great with her date (2nd one, not the first time around). Personality can count for a lot when you click.

I'd go for the tv show OP. You've got nothing to lose. Or apply to First Dates. They seem good at finding good matches.

GlitterNails · 11/02/2017 21:05

I completely understand how you feel. Have never had a relationship either. Am also overweight, and disabled - which make it difficult.

Just feel so utterly invisible. Have tried online dating, but I it's so difficult when it comes to my health.

I don't go out to bars or anything either, so never meet people. It's really hard.

Also those saying stop looking and it will come, I rarely 'look', and still nothing. Just lost four stone, but still have a long way to go. So hope I meet someone when I lose more weight. :(

Good luck to you too.

Niskayuna · 11/02/2017 21:07

No one is undatably ugly. I mean, come on, there are people with severe life-altering disabilities, loss of limb, chronic conditions, facial deformity and all the rest of it who've dated, found love, married and stuff. You've only got to look at Jeremy Kyle to see that, um... to be, let's say, not blessed in the looks department is no barrier.

I like to whinge that I'm ugly - broken nose, epic protruding eyebags, getting wrinkles now - but I still get, um, 'interest'. People aren't looking at the things I look at.

There's a good chance they're not looking at the things you look at.

  1. Why are you 'ugly'? Facial deformity? Blotchy skin? Large belly, you mention. Ok, so... look your best! Personal trainer. Find a sport you like. Dance. Clothes - browse a magazine, Pinterest, see a stylist. New hair. Take a makeup class. Feel good about yourself. Don't do the "I hate looks, I hate clothes, I hate makeup" reply you're already planning, because you ARE thinking about your looks, it's why you keep banging on about being 'ugly'. You're not ugly. You're just not doing something about your appearance that is making you say "... and so I am ugly." Just... sort that out. Be positive.
  1. Right, now you're not ugly, you're in a new outfit with flattering hair and you're feeling good about yourself. Where are you going to meet people? Do you work? Go to clubs or classes? Tried Meetup.com? Instead of worrying about 'dating', just get out and meet people. The conversation and novelty is practise. Get back into the swing of being social.

I dunno. You sound a bit self-fulfilling prophecy really, and you need to see things from a more positive angle.

Original poster
wellwouldyou · 11/02/2017 21:08

You make it sound easy and it really isn't.

I'm sorry to sound defeatist!

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 11/02/2017 21:09

My OH had spent years on dating sites and never had a relationship that lasted past two dates. Was a virgin at 45.

He's not bad looking, solvent, can talk for England (OK, mostly about cars, but...). I met him and we've been together for six years (not all plain sailing, see above re talking about cars) and he's a really lovely bloke. Sometimes people just don't look properly.

On the other hand I am plain as the proverbial, and have only got every man I ever had (and there have been, ahem, a few) through a mixture of hypnotic suggestion and not taking no for an answer.

So you do what you feel you want to, OP, and I wish you all the very best of luck

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 11/02/2017 21:10

Fuck it, go on the programme. You do need to have a less negative attitude though. I've known girls that were pig ugly, yet the men flocked round them because they gave off a confident attitude.

Asparagusupmynose · 11/02/2017 21:12

Op-EUnamechange might be able to help me and you connect with a member of the opposite sex. I am now so socially awkward that a made the effort to dress up, for my birthday, a guy smiled at me, I went into a panic and almost fell over the furniture. I can't flirt anymore and have an air that says I'm unavailable and clumsy. I used to think I had become invisible to the opposite sex. I've just become useless at showing I'm willing to engage. Do you think this might be your problem?

Original poster
wellwouldyou · 11/02/2017 21:15

Yes, it probably is.

You've all made me feel better and made me think I'm maybe not ugly, just immune to sexual attraction.

OP posts:
Asparagusupmynose · 11/02/2017 21:17

When I was very young, I worked in a law firm. The women that came in with boyfriends were horrible looking. Some of them would make the woman on Jeremy Kyle look like victoria secret models. They still were with men. It can't be the looks that is stopping you. I think it has to be some way you don't appear interested in engaging with men.

user1475439961 · 11/02/2017 21:19

I think you should go on the programme. It sounds like you have reached a stage in your life when you'll try anything to get to where you want to be and this could just be the ticket. Good luck - I am a firm believer in that there really is someone for everyone! Please don't give up - you are still very young!

Original poster
wellwouldyou · 11/02/2017 21:20

In terms of marriage and children, I'm not though, let's be honest :)

OP posts:
WaitrosePigeon · 11/02/2017 21:25

You come across on here defensive and dismissive. Do you think you may be like that I real life too? Which may be preventing things from happening?

I don't mean to be a twat, it's just an observation. I can be like that too and it does get in the way for me sometimes.