To be this desperate? Or do I need a reality check?

[wellwouldyou]

This is so outing, but what the hell, I've namechanged. I'm 36. I've yet to have a relationship with either the opposite sex or mine, and I'm fast approaching 'fuck it, I've given up' territory.

Someone's just shared an ad on faceache for a programme for people like me and asking for applicants.

Should I try it, thinking it can't make life much worse ... or can it?

Any thoughts?

Did I mention a dating site? No don't think I did. You refuse any options of help or any advice, you want to give up so you might as well. Counselling would be good but you won't go to the gp.

Borrowed, I have tried counselling FOUR times now, although one of those sessions was only one so probably doesn't count. Even so, that's three attempts at it.

I'm sorry if I sounded like a dick but repeatedly reading that the problem is my negative attitude hurts, especially when I'm not at all negative in RL but am being totally honest here and then being told that honesty is bad, that it's a turn off and people are frustrated - well that's frustrating for me, too :)

Anyway - let's leave it! I'm still going to be here in ten years time unless I work out a non painful guaranteed to work way to kill myself, and that's just how it is.

wellwouldyou - I'm not going to pretend to have any of the answers or to claim that you're not ugly (how would I know?) or that you'll definitely find someone, but I do think it's possible to come to terms with being single. Millions of people do.

Yes but ... it's a whole load of stuff, no point writing it here

There no point because you shoot every comment down. You say you are positive in rl, so why be fake on here? You can't be positive and say you are honest then deny being negative.

repeatedly reading that the problem is my negative attitude

Well to be honest with you, maybe it is the attitude? We can't be all wrong. You do sound very very down.

When I went to the doctors to confront my depression I actually wrote it all out in a letter and gave it to them to read whilst I was sitting there. Could you do that?

I don't understand that Borrowed!

What I mean is that I am being honest on here, I don't feel I will meet anybody, I do think it's largely because of how I look but maybe it is just I've got a shit personality too, and I do wish I wasn't here, not just because I'm single but just knowing you matter to no one and never will and never have - that's me being as honest as I can. But then people say that's too negative. And to 'get help' but as I've said, it's not like a migraine.

I don't think I'm depressed, waitrose

I've read any number of things relating to depression and can never relate at all.

Wellwouldyou, the reason I and others keep mentioning depression is due to comments such as 'I do wish I wasn't here'...'Knowing you matter to no one and never will' (and that's just one post. All these sorts of comments imply a sense of hopelessness and not feeling like you count, that you can't change things - that is pretty indicative of depression.

Why do you keep bringing up migraines? Doctors deal with mental health and all sorts, not just headaches and coughs.. I find you rather confusing tbh. Maybe you block people and put up a guard therefore no one feels they can get close to you. I get we are all strangers on here but if you can't open up and take advice or even a compliment, without putting yourself down to us, then how do you expect to connect with anyone enough to form a relationship?

I know borrowed, but how successfully? Honestly?

I don't expect it any more, really.

That doesn't mean I'm not grateful for the replies, though

wellwouldyou I really hope something will change and make things better for you. I have not caught up on all the comments but I just wanted to say you do matter. XX [hugs]

As Italiangreyhound said - OP this thread alone shows that you matter to loads of total strangers 💐 There is a lot of tough love but loads of concern. I think a good GP would be very concerned about you. I think you are brave for reaching out and saying how it is. Please do likewise in real life.

At risk of sounding like a silly women's mag feature I think you need to embark on mission "find your inner goddess". I regularly lose sight of mine but I know I am one ;)

Lol, that reminds me of that Friends episode!

And yes sometimes I think fuck it, sell the house, have a world trip, but then you come home

Wellwouldyou - round the world trip sounds much better idea than TV show (which I know you've ditched). Change of scene, new adventures, new perspective and who says you need to come home?! I think pps have mentioned men from different nationalities sometimes more appreciative. Might be worth chatting to sympathetic GP first so you set off in best possible frame of mind. Xxx

Op- I think the fact you are a teacher, like me, means you spend most of your time appearing professional and serious( or childish like me sometimes). You have to leave the flirty at home, it would be creepy if you didn't. That is how I lost my ability to flirt.
Have you tried watching some of the TED talks about flirting and seduction. Dr Raj Persaud(I think he is great) says that it has nothing to do with looks, it is all about playing the game of life. I've forgotten how to play it and I think you need to learn too. It doesn't mean you have a bad personailty, just skills that need developing. Just a suggestion, Ted talks don't take long to watch some might help and the rest you can cancel. Not the same as sitting with a counselor for a whole session when you know it isn't working.
Then the trip round the World might have even better results!

"I'm still going to be here in ten years time unless I work out a non painful guaranteed to work way to kill myself, and that's just how it is."

But you don't think you are depressed? Read it back, with a clear head, and maybe you'll start to see why posters are saying that you seem depressed?

Or maybe you'll shoot down everything and everyone so you can take satisfaction by having 'proved' once again how nobody understands you and nobody can help you.

Its a sad thread because the only way your life will ever change is if you change your own behaviours and learnt negative thoughts. And that's the one bit you are dead set against.

By the way, you say you don't want to be negative to your friends - that does rather limit the closeness you'll get to. Bonds are made of good & bad times, of laughter and support, of sharing bits of yourself that you wouldn't share with anyone else. If you flatly refuse to talk about or acknowledge such a big thing, it must keep people at a certain distance.

OP, not sure if I have read all the comments.

but a few thoughts....

wellwouldyou you said "I don't talk to friends about it because there's nothing to talk about really."

I'd really recommend talking to selected friends. Not all friends. Friendships operate on different levels. We all need some people we can be really open with.

Agreeing with the people/person who said life coach was good suggestion. Really what is there to lose.

MiscellaneousAssortment asks "What do you actually want to do? There's a massive disconnect between wanting to change your life and considering going on a tv programme to do that, and being closed down and refusing to engage with any ideas."

And I agree, what do you want to do?

"Perhaps this tv advert is prompting you towards a crossroads where you decide what you do next?"

I just spilled wine on my pc! I used it as an excuse to clean it! Luckily, no damage. Sometimes things happen and they prompt us to some action we had not planned. My wine example (true) - banal! But your dating show thing could be different, big and significant maybe.

This poster, MiscellaneousAssortment has some great thoughts! "But a fresh perspective is really the only thing that can help, if you've exhausted all ideas from your own perspective."

Can I ask what kind of dating agency you have tried? The ones that are free to join or more costly? Local or national? Internet or something more old fashioned?

I'm the poster who met my dh through a more traditional (not internet) dating agency.

You may feel that you are not important because you have not met the special person yet but you do need to love yourself before others can really love you/you can really love others. Or at least like yourself a little. I say this from some degree of experience!

I was very shy as a child and found friendships hard. I am now the life and soul of the party (on the outside) but inside still a little shy, still doubting myself at every turn.

I am a work in progress, we all are.

XX XX

This thread has been in my head all day. I know where the OP is coming from, I was single for most of my life until my early 30s (apart from one relationship in my mid 20s) and most of the time, I felt like no one was attracted to me. It's a hard place to be, especially as you get older and everyone around you begins to settle down, have families etc and you feel like even more of a freak. I remember thinking, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why does no one even give me a second glance?

I'm settled with a husband and children now, so obviously it did happen for me eventually and I thank my lucky stars every day.

Why did it take so long? I honestly don't know. I could say it was because I didn't love myself enough or something, but plenty of other people who don't love themselves get into relationships - maybe not great relationships as I do believe a loving relationship comes from a loving self. But I have a friend who has a similar dysfunctional family background to me and she is never without a man - they haven't all been princes but even when she is single it's never for too long, she just seems to attract men and she has no idea how she does it.

Some people just seem better at finding relationships than others I suppose. But it only takes one guy to turn it all around - like it did for me - just one is all it takes.

Hugs to you OP, I'm not sure what advice I or anyone can give you as you do seem rather resistant to any suggestions, but I hope you can find some peace and happiness whatever happens in your life.

I hope you'll be OK tomorrow OP. It's an odd day and no fun if you're down about being on your own. I plan to watch lots of horror films, as it's my way of sticking two fingers up at the whole thing.

Ooh horror film fest good 🎥

I'll plonk my ever so single backside next to you and hand out super size popcorn 🍿 Hope you don't mind gatecrashers!

wellwouldyou how you doing?

Has this thread helped you process your own thoughts and take on any other views, at all?