To be this desperate? Or do I need a reality check?

[wellwouldyou]

This is so outing, but what the hell, I've namechanged. I'm 36. I've yet to have a relationship with either the opposite sex or mine, and I'm fast approaching 'fuck it, I've given up' territory.

Someone's just shared an ad on faceache for a programme for people like me and asking for applicants.

Should I try it, thinking it can't make life much worse ... or can it?

Any thoughts?

Well you are so sure this will not work out for you. I can't help but feel in real life that people do pick up on this and feel pushed away.

It seems to make you very unhappy so I would consider this programme. I think I'd also invest in counselling. You said you had it before was it fit this or some other thing?.

I've only ever gone down the 'my mate is single' route once, it's just embarrassing for both parties when they are not interested.

Counselling was for low self esteem generally, it didn't really help but thanks :)

I think that you come across as difficult. You haven't once said that you met someone and loved their eyes or their sparkle or their smile or the fact that they can dance or love gardening or cooking or that they were kind or whatever!

Stop thinking about yourself. Everyone you meet, (man or woman), smile, connect, find something to "love" about them. Really "see" them - who they are, what matters to them. Everyone has something about them. Once you see something in others, something to love, they will reciprocate and see something in you.

If it is just about you and how ugly you are and what you want from them - no-one will be interested.

Good luck OP. I hope that whatever happens you will be happy. I have no idea what you look like but I doubt that you are ugly. Start to love yourself too - for all that you are, not what you are not.

Do you pick up on signals when people like each other? Could be other people.

The reason I'm asking is because I became friends with a guy at my hobbyclub. He confided in me that the only person who wanted him was his wife. No other person looked at him twice according to him. The thing is that I've seen 3 girls in the past four years flirting with him....

So maybe you just don't recognize it if someone is interested.

I know, Bad, because the last time I liked anyone it was maybe oh, fifteen years ago? So really I wasn't talking about that.

Honestly I appreciate you're all trying to be lovely and I'm not trying to be difficult. But I am just not attractive to the opposite sex.

Well, I'm just going to say one more thing and then I'll shut up. Don't regret what you do, regret what you don't do.

Go for it, I know you are probably at the stage where you don't need a relationship but there is nothing wrong with wanting another crack at it. It might never happen for you but equally It might just work.

OP you are not attractive to the opposite sex because you believe yourself to be ugly/unattractive. If going on the programme helps you conquer these issues, go for it. It is difficult to love someone who does not love themselves at least a bit, deep down.

I have two friends in your situation (34 and 42) they are not at all ugly. I think it comes down to the fact that they never flirt with the opposite sex, there isn't that bit of gently teasing banter that can set off the initial spark of attraction. Hope you get what I mean, I haven't expressed it very well

The program could be great though, go for it if you're thick skinned enough!

Dont we all think we're ugly (too fat, too thin, stupid or whatever) at some points in the day our life? And without friends or partners to tell us we're not or to cheer us up, distract us, take us shopping or whatever it would all get very depressing.

If you dont have support from other areas perhaps a TV programme could be good for your confidence (and maybe even find you a decent partner) - you could always pull out at a later stage.

You do sound incredibly negative and this gives off a vibe. Personally beauty is in the eye of the beholder so even if I saw you I could only look at you with my own perception.

I have just been chatting to a male friend there is a very attractive woman he has been on the look out for at a country club they both attend. At last he got the chance to chat apparently she was as dry and boring as hell.

It's true about looks meaning sweet FA when it comes to finding real love. Attractive looks bring attention, lots of dinners, numbers etc but almost all of it is pretty shallow.

Usually I would think that people like the OP are just being hard on themselves but if OP is unfortunate looking comments like 'I'm sure you're beautiful really' aren't that helpful in my opinion.

I say go for it OP, nothing ventured nothing gained and I think you'd regret it if you didn't give it a shot.

Also want to say that not everyone can blessed in the looks department, and yes there are some people who are less blessed than others, but do try not to focus so much on your appearance. Do you talk negatively about yourself in front of others? Always putting yourself down? In my opinion that is so off-putting and draining, try and focus on what's great about you, tell people what's great about you, their are plenty of people in the world who will critique every aspect of our lives - we need to be our own cheerleaders!

I suppose I was thinking someone just might see 'me' and like me. But they won't

You remind me of the bit in Clockwork where John Cleese's character says something like "it's not the despair I can't stand, I can cope with despair. It's the hope".

I understand you wanting to protect yourself from disappointment by never hoping but, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. On this thread you radiate negativity. I think go back to therapy/ counselling and work on being a bit more positive. If a relationship follows, great, if not well you'll be happier in yourself.

I like this, that BadKnee said:

"Everyone you meet, (man or woman), smile, connect, find something to "love" about them. Really "see" them - who they are, what matters to them. Everyone has something about them. Once you see something in others, something to love, they will reciprocate and see something in you."

I work in diplomacy. It is my actual job to make a connection with everyone I meet, even if they don't want to like me or work with me. And yeah, it's not about making yourself something specific and desirable, it's about finding the clue in the other person. When I meet someone I make wide ranging small talk initially, with open ended questions, revealing a little about myself (and they tend to respond on a reciprocal basis, culture dependent). What I'm looking for is the little gift tag sticking out of one part of their persona, and when my questions mean I get that little tag, I pull it and pull it, to find out what makes them tick. That's my clue, that's my way in. I am looking for something we have in common, something about which we can connect. I have never yet found someone with whom I couldn't connect on some level. This is how to network for maximum effect - it's not quantity, quality.

And once you've found that way in, they're looking at you as a real person, and you're seeing them as a real person. I am not pretty at all, and I've actually got quite a difficult personality, but I connect with a lot of people and I'm apparently rather successful at my role.

I am sure this technique could be used to make connections with people you meet socially or through work, and could lead the way to a potential romance.

P.S This makes me sound like a fake calculating person. I'm not. I genuinely love meeting people and finding out about them. And I think they realise that.

Sunny I actually think needing others to boost us with compliments is a source of possible unhappiness. It's all about not needing others to boost us and just being happy within our own skin.

True about flirting or even just general interaction people are good at it or not and to different levels. What subjects can people talk about? An extensive knowledge of many things means many chances for conversation. You don't need to be an expert. This goes for any relationship romantic or not.

I feel with men be fascinating and never ever appear grateful nor desperate.

In which case - enter the program thing. But do it with your eyes open to how you could cope with further rejection in a more public setting.
It could be great or it could be crushing. If your head and your heart say go for it, then what have you to lose?
Good luck.

Op, I say go for it - good luck.

From all you've said, I think you've absolutely nothing to lose by applying.

If you meet someone and it turns into a relationship, great. If not, no big deal.

All I'll say is avoid such generalisations such as 'I'm not attractive to the opposite sex'. This is only true of those you've met so far, it only takes one to turn your assumption right on its head. I have a friend who was proven wrong and I bet she's not the only one.

op no one is ugly or undesirable.

Post your OLD picture? Maybe we can help you?

What do you want?

Do you have lots of friends?

Mittens - I agree confidence has to come from our own belief of our worth. But sometimes we all get a little down and need to surround ourselves with loved ones who will remind us that we're fab.

I do have friends, thanks - I don't feel comfortable about posting photos of me as you can't edit on here but anyway!

Honestly, it was a daft thought (the TV programme!) Shows how desperate you can get!

I understand everyone is trying to be nice but what you all don't realise is I've come to understand that I am unattractive due to the lack of interest, i don't believe I am unattractive therefore lack of interest.

I know you'll probably say 'it's not that but thanks' but I really don't understand how anyone can possibly find a partner if they don't find anyone else attractive the last time I liked someone was fifteen years ago. Personally I never fancy anyone IRL that doesn't show any spark of attraction towards me. Surely relationships are exactly that, people relating to each other, both showing an interest in the other. Are you saying you are hoping that someone will show an interest in you and then you may reciprocate?

Surely the first question is, why do I not find anyone else attractive? Once you sort that out, you may sort out the issues in your OP.

I understand how it would be lovely for you to find someone to be with and to share a future with. But it's seems like you're missing a massive step out. I agree with the PP who suggested that you may need to look outwards and find what you like in the other, as well as inwards, what you like in yourself.

I hope you do find what you're looking for OP.

Coz there's no real point fancying someone only to have your heart broken :)

I'm interested in what the show is? I'm a bit younger than you but I've never had a relationship either. I'm ugly too. I've been looking on online dating recently and I'm sure I'm not the ugliest person on the planet but everybody on there is out of my league.

I'd go for it, OP. If your love life is totally non-existent, the show isn't going to make it any worse.

The show wasn't named - just said they were looking for people in their 30s who had been unlucky in love!