To be this desperate? Or do I need a reality check?

[wellwouldyou]

This is so outing, but what the hell, I've namechanged. I'm 36. I've yet to have a relationship with either the opposite sex or mine, and I'm fast approaching 'fuck it, I've given up' territory.

Someone's just shared an ad on faceache for a programme for people like me and asking for applicants.

Should I try it, thinking it can't make life much worse ... or can it?

Any thoughts?

Well, that's a bit like asking 'why do you think grass is green' isn't it :) I just am!

Is the programme something like the Undateables? www.channel4.com/programmes/the-undateables/episode-guide/

Watch some of the episodes and decide if that's the sort of TV exposure you want and then think how you have been portrayed and how it would affect you afterwards, e.g.being recognised in your local area by strangers wanting to talk about your role in the programme. Please proceed with caution.

I've seen articles about people being featured on other TV shows who were subsequently horrified to find their appearances had been edited to portray them as totally different in character, always adversely.

To answer your OP... I'd think fuck it & give it a try-you can decide it's not for you at any point you wish & pull out of it. You'll never know if you don't try it.
Said this on a thread last night & I'll say it again here, everyone has a different perception of beauty -I'll bet you're not ugly at all, maybe the pics you pur online weren't great or something. I take a fucking shit picture but am quite decent in real life...

It sounds a bit like that, yes :)

OP you thought Walter was implying you would pay a partner. I thought Walter was referring to you paying for a programme as in a course to teach you how to find someone and Walter was cautioning you not to be ripped off.

Either way, I'm not sure if a TV programme is the right first step for you. Would it be worth having hormones checked in case there is a medical reason for low/no libido.
Could you see a counsellor experienced in working with low self esteem. I know this is a cliché but how will people be attracted to you when you seem so hard on yourself.

You say you have friends, ask them to tell you what they like most about you. Be kind to yourself.

Try not to be so paranoid, and maybe work on having a semi decent personality and maybe you'll get somewhere.

Well that's just horrible and unnecessary.

OP, I don't know what to say but just sending you a hug. Please don't go on that show, it sounds terribly exploitative.

My sister is a couple of years younger than you and in the same position. I know she finds it a lonely life and she has given up. I wish she wouldn't. She also thinks she's ugly. She's not.

Walter wasn't implying anything by her / his post, just seeking clarification as the OP was quite vague.

The payment issue was linked to the question about whether it was a programme (as in treatment programme sort of thing), which is why she said don't pay for it. Not implying you would pay for sex at all.

You seemed to be saying that you are not interested in a relationship (which is where the asexual bit came in).

It's obviously a sensitive issue for you but you definitely misinterpreted Walter's posts and were quite terse. I wonder if this might stand in the way of a relationship if it is a pattern but you say not.

For clarity; is it that you haven't met anyone you like or that the people you like are not interested in you?

I don't think it's that my libido is low. I think from what I've read it's normal not to want sex when you don't have any. I've tried counselling and it didn't really make any difference, but thanks :)

If one real dickhead has walked off and left you before, I'm so sorry you experienced that and of course it will damage your confidence but - you were SO unlucky to come across that horrible person. That's unusual. I'd put money on it not happening again!

I do know of somebody that happened to - the guy left when they were waiting for their food to arrive. Woman was so embarrassed and distraught, she was lovely and the man was just a real shit. EVERYONE thought he was a shit - including the restaurant who wouldn't accept any money for the bill - and nobody laughed at her or thought it was her fault. Just that she was so unlucky to run into a rotter like him.

No ones ever been interested in me. I've re read my reply and I really don't feel it was that terrible but in any case given I promptly apologised for any unintentional offence, can we move on? :)

Plus, everyones perception of ugly is different...I've known some "beautiful" people and they're ugly as fuck inside therefore not so attractive afterwards

Go onto the website for TED talks and watch the entertaining talk 'how I hacked online dating'. I forgot who gave it, but you'll find it.

I don't think it's about being ugly, it's about something else, don't know what it is though. Assertiveness perhaps.

You say you have no problem making friends but haven't been attracted to anyone in ages, perhaps the problem is just that you aren't attracted to anyone?

Like someone pointed out, could be the pill. Or could just be undiagnosed hormonal issues.

If you aren't interested, you are not likely to notice if someone is interested in you, so that could be the main issue.

It's not Vestal as I've been interested in the past but by now know if is futile. Really, I should just give up, but there's a tiny part of me that won't, which is pathetic I know :)

What do your friends think about it? Do they have any thoughts on why you've been unlucky in love? What do they think about the tv idea?

I haven't talked about it with them, and no. I don't think many people give much thought at all to me.

Have you really worked at putting yourself out there? In situations that mean you meet and interact with people? Work socials, clubs, community events, socialising with friends that may have single friends you could be introduced to? Are you friendly and talkative? Ask questions about the person you are talking to? I'm sure your not ugly and even if you are that doesn't mean you won't or don't deserve to meet anyone!

If you're genuinely keen you can have my fella, he can be an annoying prick but in the interests of the sisterhood I'll offer him up free to a good home!

In all seriousness though, you obviously have quite a negative opinion of yourself (Ugly? Everyone is attractive in someone's eyes) but personal appearance can be improved upon if you feel you want a different look, although the physical element shouldn't be the most important factor, shallowness isn't attractive.

I mean in all truth have you seen some of the people on shows like Jeremy Kyle? Hmm, most of them are usually on trying to work out who the father of the baby is.... If they can get two men, the rest of us can definitely get at least one.

There was a fella in the queue yesterday at a kiosk in Tesco's and he was with a girl holding hands - Now if I was to rate them on looks (Pathetic I know) then for me he was a definite 8 out of 10 and she was about a 4, so my point is that just because you think you're not good looking enough that doesn't mean someone else won't think differently about you.

I don't know about doing the programme though, I doubt public rejection would do much good for your confidence!

I'd recommend a proper dating agency rather than a TV programme in your situation. When you have to pay serious money to join you know the other people are serious.

One of my friends used a proper dating agency and is now in a proper serious relationship after having no luck via other avenues.

It was worth the money for him, and for her as he's a lovely guy but not traditionally physically attractive.

You don't know what she was like when they met, though, emerald. In any case, the fact is that in twenty years no one is interested so I doubt I'm beautiful really!

There used to be a programme called 'Would Like To Meet' en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Would_Like_to_Meet

It had a confidence coach, relationship advisor and a style advisor I think. It was done in a sympathetic/empathetic way (not exploitative) and boosted the confidence of those who featured - similar in a way to The Undateables. If it's this sort of thing then you have nothing to lose by trying.

When I first saw the trailers for The Undateables I was horrified, but I'm impressed with the show and how it helps those who feature. They seem to match up couples well as does the First Dates show. Whereas Dinner Dates seems to be purely entertainment - they rarely seem to make matches where they meet up again after the 2nd date.

I get how you feel - when I was a teenager I looked in the mirror and just thought "that is disgusting - no man will ever find me attractive". But being in a relationship won't help that - you'll have the same feelings about yourself but just share them with someone else.

Being in a relationship won't boost your confidence or make you feel attractive (I say this as someone in a long term relationship). I spent lots of time learning to love myself and made lots of friends before I felt safe, wanted and loved in a relationship.

Your future partner shouldn't have to be responsible for your happiness, so I think you should take some "me" time - focus more on making friends than being in a relationship.

And I know it doesn't help but think about it - have you ever really met someone else who you think "no one would ever fancy them or want to be with them" because I haven't!

It's a relationship I want though, sugar. I don't really care that I'm ugly other than the fact that it's stopped me doing a lot of stuff I would have liked to.

Some people are only sexually attracted to people when there is already an emotional connection - either friendship or a romantic relationship. Do you think this could be you?

If that is the case then internet dating may not be your best bet anyway. How about social events and clubs around an interest - singles' walking clubs, or just local walking clubs, volunteering for an environmental/local charity or something (where you get to spend the weekend repairing footpaths, or repainting the village hall). Activity holidays that welcome single people (or are even just for single people).

What are your interests? Do you (did you) play an instrument, can you sing even a little? What other skills do you have that could open doors to a wider community of people to meet?

Activity-based meeting people may also help because both you and other people have the chance to get to know each other's personality, rather than making a snap decision based on looks and swiping an app.

Most people (women especially I suspect) over-estimate both their ugliness and their size. In any case, even if you genuinely would be considered 'ugly' by the general population, it's still subjective. There's some psychological research which suggests people are attracted to those of 'matching' desirability in terms of looks (though age, social skills and factors such as wealth can lead people to adjust their rating). Therefore there will be people out there who will be attracted to you (and possibly you to them), it's just they may not be classically good-looking. Does it really matter, as long as you find something attractive in them, and they in you?

Personally I am usually only attracted to people who I know quite well. (Though for the odd celebrity I fancy it will be due to a blending of intelligence, humour and looks, rather than just looks.) As long as I find the person funny and intelligent, and there is something in the person physically that makes me swoon (not the whole package, just one thing is necessary - like nice hands, or eyes), then I will end up finding them attractive as a package. Do you actually know what you find attractive about someone?

I would strongly advise you not to sign upnforbsuchba programme.
They have been quite popular in my home country for a while and the aim seems to be to make the participants look as silly as possible for the purpose of entertainment.
The producers are not your friends and their objective is to make an entertaining programme and not find you love.