To be this desperate? Or do I need a reality check?

[wellwouldyou]

This is so outing, but what the hell, I've namechanged. I'm 36. I've yet to have a relationship with either the opposite sex or mine, and I'm fast approaching 'fuck it, I've given up' territory.

Someone's just shared an ad on faceache for a programme for people like me and asking for applicants.

Should I try it, thinking it can't make life much worse ... or can it?

Any thoughts?

You are very probably right but nonetheless all my life I have worked, done voluntary work, gone to gyms, been normal(ish) - realistically people didn't fancy me at 26 and they won't at 36. I probably should give up! It's just hard knowing that this is your life, in a way.

I really liked the Undateables and WLTM but I think it's a huge risk to put yourself in the hands of TV Producers.

This might seem like a random question but do you think you might be depressed?

Your responses are very negative and lack of interest in sex can be associated. I know that both of these are only a tiny part of depression so its a bit of a stab in the dark but your responses put me in mind of people that I know with depression.

I don't think so. My responses aren't intentionally negative but I think after twenty years or so of trying and failing you reach a point of realisation.

Ironically, when you give up, that is usually when you meet someone.

You never know what is around the corner. ( I know that's a cliche but saying that to people has a strange magical effect and I want that for you)

'Would Like to Meet' was a great show, the people were treated in a really empathic manner, given good basic advice on how to talk on dates, corrected from doing anything terrible (their videos of the 'before' dates were sometimes truly awful) and given a confidence boosting make-over.

Their practice date at the end wasn't about meeting The One, but about having a good date and putting their skills into practice.

It's a shame it got taken over by the likes of Dinner Dates!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Would_Like_to_Meet

It also had a much more successful outcome in terms of people then going on to have successful relationships than, say, Married at First Sight where the 'experts' (so not experts) singularly failed to match anyone on their 'scientific' criteria whatsoever!

buzzard, I'd have met someone about seven years ago if that was true!

Maybe throw your hat into the ring for the show and you can decide if you'd like to go further if it sounds interesting. I think you sound a little depressed around your love life to be honest. With online dating have you had anyone look at your profile? I think you need a strong positive profile to get that initial attraction. I don't think you're ugly but it's easy to feel that way when you're lonely. Have you tried filters on your pictures? I don't mind mean this in a nasty way but I'd say I'm semi attractive (well will be when I lose this bloody three stone) but I take a horrible picture. I always look rubbish. I also think sometimes the loneliness can come across quite negatively. I know it's hard but could you fake it until you make it? Come across happy and positive about yourself. I know a lot of people are very self assured and are as happy alone as with someone else.

What about speed dating? Or match singles? Maybe meet ups?

Honestly, there's no point with anything like that. I'm just not attractive enough. My profile is nice enough but people go off looks in the online world :) Well in the real world too I think.

well to answer your question, if the show is similar to The Undateables, I would do it, if it's a big brother type of programme, I wouldnt.

You could always pull out of the filming if you change your mind or feel uncomfortable about the process.

Yes, but I've said it now ;)

You're right well , that's why you either need to get someone to help you with a flattering pro pic or go for something that doesn't involve people who go by looks first. Newspaper personals perhaps?

OP - I get that you've not been attracted to anyone in RL, but don't you ever fancy anyone in the media, movies, etc? Anyone at all?
What do you perceive as ugly - your face, figure or something else? Has anyone ever said this to you? What do your friends think - can they not set you up with anyone potentially?
Sorry lots of questions!

wellwouldyou It is good you have had the courage to think about this topic and post on it.

I am still a bit in the dark about the thing on Facebook, I've tried reading your posts and still not sure.

Is it a TV programme like reality dating?
Is it an enrichment programme you pay for?

Part of me thinks you have nothing to lose from the later (apart from the fee you would pay for the course) and part of me feels that the former could be fun/interesting/excruciating/helpful/unhelpful

Have you spoken to any friends in real life about this?

I know you said you think you are ugly, I would like to know how you are gauging this. I'm wondering if you are comparing yourself to famous film stars or regular folks of your own age. I am also wondering if there is one feature that you feel spoils your looks, hair, teeth, size etc.

Not that you should have to try and change this, of course, but just to be aware what it is.

Just so you know I met my other half through a Christian dating agency, (before internet dating) when I was 33. I think I had about 40 blind dates! Luckily, I like meeting new people and it was OK. Quite fun in ways but I know many people who could not cope with it, the level of rejections etc. I guess I must be a bit resilient (unaware!).

I am going to join others in saying I think confidence is the issue here, I think if you had higher self esteem and more confidence you may find that people were more attracted to you romantically. Building confidence is not easy but it is doable.

If you really feel looks are the issue can you make the most of the looks you have? I know that when I make myself look more appealing I really look very different. I know the important people in our lives will love us for ourselves and looks won't matter. But in attraction, looks do affect things.

You've mentioned older men, 20 years older, when I returned to the UK from my travels and decided I really wanted to get married (and started dating in earnest!) I was about 31 I decide I would go up to 45/45, so my radar was open to men who were older by about 15 years. But that is a personal choice.

Also distances, I didn't have a car but ended up meeting a man, (now DH) who lived 60 miles away. Now I too live 60 miles away from where I started.

Please do keep talking if it helps. I think everyone is lovable and there probably is someone for everyone, but it is finding them that is hard! So if you know internet dating is not for you, I would explore sociable hobbies that will bring you into contact with the type of people you may like to get to know better.

Good luck.

at bulldogs and nettles.

By all accounts my face isn't that bad, it's the rest of me.

I've tried a few sites. Match, mysinglefriend, POF, ok Cupid. I'm sure I tried another. My brother is the same but he's too enthusiastic and messages women talking them half to death.

Have you always felt ugly or did you start to think you were ugly because you hadn't been able to meet anyone? Have you had any relationships at all be it a one night fling or a few months? RE your original question about the programme you could always apply for the initial stage to find out more about it and play it by ear.

A really simple test to see if dating, having a partner or getting married is all about looks is walk into your local town. Are all the people in couples really hot? Or are they just ordinary looking, some overweight, some older, some not so conventionally handsome? If only the beautiful people had kids, the human race would have died out by now!

I do agree online dating can be a superficial forum, and you might be better body-swerving it, but I do think there's someone for everyone. It's like when people say 'I'm too old, no-one will want a middle-aged lady/someone with kids/someone with this or that defect'- it's not true, most of us are imperfect people trying to find another imperfect person to hang out with!

I don't mind older men but there's older and older. I'm 36 now and someone in their late forties, sure, someone in their mid sixties, probably not!

OP when I was a child and teenager I was repeatedly told that I was ugly and horrible and that no man would ever want me. If you're being told that stuff day in, day out, you start to believe it. Once I was in my 20s I realised that actually I'm very attractive but not necessarily in a conventional way. I did provoke a bit of a marmite effect. For teenaged boys it was easier to bolster themselves by repeatedly saying I was ugly. Older men tended to go a bit beyond the superficial.

Of course the trouble was that once I started to attract attention, it was still ingrained in me that I was undesirable. Logically I knew things were different but emotionally the scars went too deep. And I was very defensive. I have had relationships but nothing serious until I was in my mid 30s.

With that background in mind, I'll ask you the following, but I'm just putting the questions out there, not expecting an answer.

Why do you think you're ugly? I mean really, why do you. Stay open to that question rather than just saying no-one's fancied you yet. They may be interested but you're so defensive and closed off that they don't express that interest and you wouldn't pick up on it if they did.

Are you using "I'm ugly" as a get out clause? You're making the cause of your singleness an ugliness that's beyond your control. You're not taking responsibility. Are you using it to run away from something?

OLD can be shitty. I'm funny, attractive and intelligent, if not necessarily always easy. I find OLD utterly demoralising. It's a numbers game and not one I want to play it's also populated by misogynist ageist wankers

That said, don't write yourself off. At 36 you can still meet someone. Watch the 40 Year Old Virgin. It's lovely, pretty much the only rom com I'll watch and gives a good explanation for why some perfectly OK people stay single into early middle age.

Look around you. Plenty of not particularly attractive people are in relationships. You don't have to look like Emily Deschenal to pull (though it will help, it's not compulsory).

Never once had a relationship, never once had a scrap of interest :) Tis just how it is.

You're probably right re using my ugliness as a get out clause but the truth is, whatever the reason is, no one is interested in me. Since by all account I'm fairly nice, it must be my looks. Plus. People reject me before they know me so it must be to do with how I look.

I've missed lots of posts so it looks like it is a reality programme, so ignore my comments there!

"realistically people didn't fancy me at 26 and they won't at 36." The same people who were not interested at 26 might still not be interested at 36 but different people might be. I think you are using this thought to protect you, I do understand, but I wonder if you are giving off an air of either 'don't come near' or too keen. Either way I think it can affect how people feel.

I do agree with dailyshite "This might seem like a random question but do you think you might be depressed?"

Also, if you feel your look are not what you would like I do feel dating things are not great, too much pressure on looks in that arena. but getting to know someone first as a friend and then suddenly finding you are more interested in them, and vice versa, much better.

Has that ever happened for you? Where you felt more attracted to them or them to you?

Hecate makes some sensible points