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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL & SIL BOOKED THEIR WEDDING 2 MONTHS BEFORE OURS

381 replies

wingingitmomma · 08/02/2017 23:20

Aibu?? My dear sweet mil popped in tonight (which I am surprised about because my daughter was asleep and she would of known that she only usually cares if she gets to see the baby) she stayed for about an hour it was a nice visit although I was kinda pissed because I cleaned the bathroom specially and she never went to the toilet to inspect it (I know how she loves to judge me) Anyway, she so happened to SLIP into the conversation that my OH brother booked their wedding 2 days ago. Great! I love a wedding when have they booked it for then she tells me 2 months before yours! Me and OH have had our wedding booked for a while. They are having a destination wedding 2 months before our freaking wedding our wedding is costing in excess of 10 grand there's no way we can afford this and even if we could we have a young baby who I would not feel happy to take on a plane for 10 hours or leave her for nearly a week which is what they are asking. they got engaged earlier this year after me and OH they have known the date of our wedding for sometime and I feel like they are stealing our thunder and trying to overshadow our big day! Am
I being unreasonable? I feel so put out that they have done this surely they know we can't afford to make their wedding! When Mil told me I had to act really happy for them but inside I was raging!

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 09/02/2017 08:26

Just wish them all the best and politely decline the invitation.

You can't afford it, and the logistics with the baby are too difficult, so say no with regrets.

Perhaps the many people on BIL's side saying no will start making him think twice about who he is marrying (someone who refused to take his family into consideration) and what his life will be like (always her way) if he marries her. Or has a long, conversation about it. Maybe someone closer to him could point this out to him. She has done this, and he has let her. It will cause hard feelings with his family, and she may well be alienating him from them as he is currently taking her side (going ahead with it knowing it would cause logistical problems, hard feelings, etc)

Not really your problem, OP. Just smile and say you can't attend. It really isn't about you and your wedding. It's about them and who they are, or hopefully just potential SIL, and maybe BIL needs a wake up call.

Timeforteaplease · 09/02/2017 08:27

PS - YANBU - 2 months after your wedding - not a problem, but 2 months before is out of order without at least talking to you.

IreadthereforeIam · 09/02/2017 08:33

Our best friends booked their wedding after we'd sent out the 'Save the Dates' for ours. It was the week before. I was intensely pissed off, told them so, then realised it meant they were only having a 6 day honeymoon so that they could be back for our wedding. So I phoned them back up, apologised and said I realised that it didn't actually matter. We went wedding dress shopping together, went to each other's hen parties - it was fun! I'm just glad that we were such good friends that my little paddy didn't affect our friendship (they're clearly used to me!). So it can be a good thing!!

Bumblebiscuits · 09/02/2017 08:33

Qod, did they really all go to your sister's wedding rather than yours, when yours had been arranged so much earlier. If so, that's awful of the rest of your family, and your sister for doing it!

OP, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but by the time of your wedding, all that will matter is enjoying your day. It sounds actually like your BIL is missing out, not you because so few people can make their wedding. And you needn't feel guilty about not being able to go to theirs. Although as a pp suggested, you should go all out to make an effort for their reception in this country.

GrumpyOldBag · 09/02/2017 08:42

You are being pathetic OP.

londonrach · 09/02/2017 08:48

I think yabu and yanbu. As someone up thread said at least your toilet is clean. Send your apologies and say you see the photos afterwards. If you cant go you cant go, you have two valid reasons..young baby and cost.

RebelandaStunner · 09/02/2017 08:49

Raging? Seriously?
Be happy for them.

diddl · 09/02/2017 08:54

I'm not sure that I'd go to a wedding such a long flight away even if I could, even for a sibling tbh.

Of course if the spouse to be was from there it would be different.

But if they'd chosen the place just because (which they would be entitled to do of course), with no thought to the time & expense for others, I wouldn't feel bad about saying no.

ProfessionalPirate · 09/02/2017 08:56

YABU. It's likely that they have chosen the date for very good reason eg best chance of good weather at destination, or during school hols. It may be a case of if they don't have it then, they would have to wait another full year. 2 months is plenty of time.

Many people choose destination weddings because they want it to be a small, private affair and are banking on most people not going. Obviously if your bil genuinely expected you to go then he is BU, but are you sure this is the case?

I see you are doing the typical AIBU thing of only acknowledging the posters that agree with you (why do people bother canvassing opinion then do that btw?!) but I think you should focus on your day, and let bil/sil focus on theirs.

paxillin · 09/02/2017 08:57

You can't go, I understand BIL is a bit sad about that. But it can't be helped.

You don't get your own wedding year. They stole your thunder? Is your wedding such a momentous event that nobody is allowed to do anything important around then? Their wedding is not a comment on yours.

xStefx · 09/02/2017 08:57

I would rather it before my wedding than just after to be honest. At least once theirs is out of the way your big day will be next. Don't worry OP, try to be happy for them. Wedding politics are a nightmare , ive found that out recently :-)

UserOO7 · 09/02/2017 08:58

But isn't part of being engaged the whole excitement at getting married quickly? DH and I waited around a month for the registry office date, but that's it. Imagine if my sister had a huge wedding to wait for? Should I wait a year for hers?

I think getting married is a personal enjoyment, fine if you can't go, but you can't be waiting for everyone to be happy.

HerOtherHalf · 09/02/2017 09:02

I think you should forget it and move on. It's unreasonable for anyone to expect guests to go to that expense and trouble to attend a wedding. I wouldn't go regardless of whether other financial commitments made it extremely difficult or not. They didn't even have the courtesy to ask if you could manage it before they went ahead and booked. Fuckem!

Joanna0685 · 09/02/2017 09:09

OP I think the fact they are having a family reception upon their return, kind of indicates they are not expecting everyone to be able to go. So I would just go to the reception as I'm sure others will. My sister did this.

MerryMarigold · 09/02/2017 09:12

I feel like they are stealing our thunder and trying to overshadow our big day!

I think the fact they are doing something COMPLETELY different, which I assume very few people can attend (if it is a 10hour flight away) suggest the exact opposite.

You sound like you have major issues with your DPs family. Let it lie. Live and let live.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 09/02/2017 09:18

bumble I had to change everything and do it day before her so everyone here once. Mine was changeable as registry office
My original date was date we met.
Bitter still 😂

Rugbyplayersarehot · 09/02/2017 09:18

It's a great pity that people don't concentrate on what's really important about a wedding.

HolesinTheSoles · 09/02/2017 09:19

IreadthereforeIam
I loved your story, glad you apologised and had a lovely time at both weddings!

BeMorePanda · 09/02/2017 09:27

babies are absolutely fine to travel on planes.

TwentyChews · 09/02/2017 09:31

How long should they have waiting after your wedding for it to be OK?

Six months? A year? 18 months?

OK...so..pick your preferred option. Lets just do 12 months for ease. Then add in the "2 MONTHS BEFORE" you are shouting about.

You think a couple who want to commit to marriage and spending their lives together should wait 14 months longer just so you can afford it/put your pfb on a plane?

14 months?

How would you feel if the situation were reversed and they asked you to put your life together on hold for over a year?

Ohyesiam · 09/02/2017 09:32

I think you have got your priories out of balance. You are not trying to create something perfect, you are celebrating meeting someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Try to see the bigger picture.

TheLegendOfBeans · 09/02/2017 09:32

CAPS LOCK FURY

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 09/02/2017 09:33

It won't overshadow your wedding. Your wedding is after theirs, so theirs will be forgotten once everyone has been to yours :)

BeMorePanda · 09/02/2017 09:34

If its costing £2kpp to go they can't be THAT upset or surprised if people can't go - especially people who have their own massive expense coming up.

If you really want certain people at your wedding you organise it so it doesn't have £2kpp attached to attending.

Grewsap · 09/02/2017 09:34

Is this a first time poster? The language is very familiar