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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL & SIL BOOKED THEIR WEDDING 2 MONTHS BEFORE OURS

381 replies

wingingitmomma · 08/02/2017 23:20

Aibu?? My dear sweet mil popped in tonight (which I am surprised about because my daughter was asleep and she would of known that she only usually cares if she gets to see the baby) she stayed for about an hour it was a nice visit although I was kinda pissed because I cleaned the bathroom specially and she never went to the toilet to inspect it (I know how she loves to judge me) Anyway, she so happened to SLIP into the conversation that my OH brother booked their wedding 2 days ago. Great! I love a wedding when have they booked it for then she tells me 2 months before yours! Me and OH have had our wedding booked for a while. They are having a destination wedding 2 months before our freaking wedding our wedding is costing in excess of 10 grand there's no way we can afford this and even if we could we have a young baby who I would not feel happy to take on a plane for 10 hours or leave her for nearly a week which is what they are asking. they got engaged earlier this year after me and OH they have known the date of our wedding for sometime and I feel like they are stealing our thunder and trying to overshadow our big day! Am
I being unreasonable? I feel so put out that they have done this surely they know we can't afford to make their wedding! When Mil told me I had to act really happy for them but inside I was raging!

OP posts:
CookieTramp · 10/02/2017 18:26

OP please please put some full stops in what you write. It is so hard to read and not very kind to whoever is trying. I ran out of breath quickly. And YABU.

Offred · 10/02/2017 18:28

Oh god just grow up honestly...

Just tell them you can't go because of your dd and the cost of your upcoming wedding and stop being so pathetic.

Sparklyglitter · 10/02/2017 18:34

I would be sad if one of my best friends or close family booked their wedding that close to mine. Of course their wedding is for them and mine would be for myself and fiancee, but I agree it's just not the done thing! The fact that they have decided on such an expensive and far away destination and are then upset about you not being able to go sounds to me somewhat entitled and thoughtless!
I agree with others though if someone is happy to pay for you and annual leave from work does not impact your own wedding then I would go, if not then I would have to say we're sorry but we can't go.
I know this is much easier said than done, but really try not to hold onto this as it has a way of making things sour if you let it! Be the better person! Good Luck! x

deedeegee · 10/02/2017 18:41

Mildly irritating I grant you, but it's about them not you- concentrate on your own 'big day'. If far away and expensive- hell mend them as many other people won't be able to afford to go!

Astro55 · 10/02/2017 18:47

Mildly irritating I grant you

I don't think FMIL calling your brother a spastic and accusing your father of being feckless because he's spent his life caring for said spastic brother as opppsed to forking out ££££ so OP and her FDH can attend BIL wedding 'mildly irritating'

(Her words - spastic is a horrible term and has no place in today's society)

frogsgoladidahdidah · 10/02/2017 19:11

YABU.

(Mostly for not using punctuation.)

Princess820 · 10/02/2017 19:37

I TOTALLY get how you're feeling and why. My own sister has 'trumped' me so many times and it really makes my blood boil. Nobody sees it like I do and it's soooo irritating! With a young baby I'd definitely give the 10hour flight a miss. I'm guessing it's mexico or somewhere similar? That won't be cheap when you get there either and I know from my own wedding last year, the final cost is never what you calculated. I wouldn't go. I'd explain that your financial priorities are with your own wedding but obviously had you known their chosen date, you'd have budgeted for it.
On a positive note, 2 months is definutely not close enough to yours to 'piss on your day' as it were.
Enjoy your planning and most of all, enjoy your day!x

madcatwoman61 · 10/02/2017 20:16

YABU mostly for spending 10 grand on a wedding!

DagenhamRoundhouse · 10/02/2017 20:25

Gosh people do get themselves in a twist over weddings! It's only one day and it's the rest of the life together that matters. Who cares when this other wedding is. Just enjoy your own day. Don't go to theirs if you can't afford it. Then they can feel guilty!

Benedikte2 · 10/02/2017 23:47

Good luck to you OP. The situation has developed into a drama worthy of a soap opera! MIL is an evil witch and needs to be supervised if she ever gets to see your DD. You should be proud of your DF for being such a responsible parent in caring for your brother -- so many fathers would say they couldn't cope by themselves and put their disabled child into care.
Do give us an update re your wedding. I hope you have a lovely day and everything goes like clockwork.

abbsisspartacus · 10/02/2017 23:51

My mom got married she had a dress with a hood her friend got married in a dress with a hood and LACE (some kind of trimming anyway) I'm surprised they ever spoke again

magoria · 11/02/2017 00:19

I wouldn't waste £4k of my hard earned money and precious annual leave for someone's wedding unless it was somewhere I wanted to extend into a holiday.

I also wouldn't be happy if it was decided for my that something I had scrimped and saved for could be shared by another without thought to me.

magoria · 11/02/2017 00:20

*decided for me

gemmagemma16 · 11/02/2017 01:46

Typical of the people that post on this site get over yourself and stop being a drama queen, as for you cleaning the bathroom especially you also sound like a grotty person as well who has hygiene issues too

emmyrose2000 · 11/02/2017 03:36

MIL would be dead to me after her latest comments about OP's family. She's clearly a toxic, nasty individual who would not be invited to my wedding under any circumstances. If DP kicked up a fuss about wanting her there, I'd tell him not to show up either.

BIL/SIL need to be flatly told "you are not, under any circumstances, going to celebrate your wedding at ours. You have your wedding day, and we have ours, and they two have nothing in common". If there's any doubt whatsoever that they will try and hijack your day then don't invite them.

willstarttomorrow · 11/02/2017 04:20

I admit I cannot be arsed to read all 15 pages. However having skimmed and probably missed loads of relevant stuff (apoligies) I am guessing you want to marry DP because you want to be married. So forget the rest, make it the day you want. If people make the effort to turn up and share it that is nice, ic they are not there, so what? At the end of the day it is about you and DP, same for your SIL & BIL. You cannot be accountable for other people but you can refocus how you think about things. Just try and decide to enjoy your wedding day whatever. I admit I don't get weddings and tend to find many of them dull. It is not because I do not love our friends but I just do not have the investment in their day they have (and it costs the same as a weekend in Europe to attend). The best weddings I have been to rend to be relaxed, usually on a budget and the total opposite to the church/hotel reception/evening affairs everyone has but seem to think are unique. It is great to see the bride and groom happy and in love, being the people we know and not bankrupting themselves for a crap party. Concentrate on a fantastic day all about you and DP. Let everyone else sort their own issues out.

dowhatnow · 11/02/2017 08:24

Stop trying to placate the others. They are being very unreasonable and now you just need to detach and let them get on with it.

You can't change the crappy situation so the only thing you can do is change your reaction to it. Resolve to smile and ignore their attempts to upset you, and enjoy the build up to your own wedding. On the day itself ignore them pretending it's their day too; everyone who is important will know it's your day and they are hanging on to your coat tails. Don't rise to anything. Just smile and detach.

MaisyPops · 11/02/2017 08:40

I think people are being harsh on OP.
Things the op is is BU/NBU for being upset about:

  1. If it was being upset about getting married 2 months before YABU (who cares?)
  2. It's an expensive destination YABU (they can get married when/how they like - even if i personally think it's a selfish decision)
  3. they're expecting OP to find a few thousand with short notice, whilst planning a weddinh and with a baby - YANBU
  4. Getting MIL involved to bitch moan and generally be obnoxious - YANBU
  5. Suggesting that they'll tag on your reception because tbey dont want to pay for their own - YANBU (if they wanted a big party with friends and family then tney should have had a home wedding)
  6. MiL making disgusting comments about relatives etc - YANBU

In short- if it was a home wedding 2 months before then Id tell the OP to grow up, stop complaininh and get over it. But what actually is happening is a couple expect everyone to alter their finances and plans around their destination wedding and are acting like cry baby brats.

cherish123 · 11/02/2017 14:42

You are being totally ridiculous about it being before yours. However, if you have to travel far it may be v expensive (I would be annoyed at having to pay so much). A baby will be fine on a long flight ( easiest time to travel with a child). Presumably if you already have a child, your wedding will be quite low-key. 10k seems excessive.

Italiangreyhound · 11/02/2017 14:44

I really do not think 10 grand is a lot in wedding terms.

Calling people pathetic is just so ....unhelpful.

TurquoiseDress · 11/02/2017 14:51

Why should it be presumed that OP will have a low-key wedding because they already have a child?

As long as they can afford it, they can spend whatever they like on their own wedding day!

Just as many other posters have said that BIL/SIL can do/spend whatever they want on their own wedding day.

Tilliii · 11/02/2017 14:54

I would be pissed off too. Of course they may not have done it with the intention of upstaging yours in any way and if so then maybe they are just a bit thoughtless and young.

EweAreHere · 11/02/2017 15:06

You can't afford it. End of.

And your MIL has behaved beyond outrageously. I would uninvite her from your own wedding and cut off contact with her at this point. Calling your father an embarrassment for not paying for your wedding or paying so you can attend your BIL/SIL's wedding(?!?!) is outrageous.

(And for those who haven't bothered TRTFT, her father was widowed in the last couple of years, has barely any money after paying for a funeral, and is the carer for OP's disabled brother. Whom MIL just called a spastic and didn't feel he was worthy of being cared for by OP's dad, who's apparently wasting his life doing so, acc to MIL.)

Charming.

Without a full, contrite apology, and showing some real understanding for why her comments/attitude are so incredibly wrong and hurtful, she's out of your wedding and out of your lives. Surely DH should back you up on this.

Oneiri · 11/02/2017 15:32

*Are you really spending over £10,000 on your wedding?
*
The average UK wedding costs around £25-30k.

www.bridesmagazine.co.uk/planning/general/planning-service/2013/01/average-cost-of-wedding

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/cheaper-weddings

bonfireheart · 11/02/2017 15:53

£10k is barely anything for a wedding. But this is MN where people love to show off that they got married without any family and friends & finished the day off with a £3 sandwich deal and went back to work.