BIL & SIL BOOKED THEIR WEDDING 2 MONTHS BEFORE OURS

[wingingitmomma]

Aibu?? My dear sweet mil popped in tonight (which I am surprised about because my daughter was asleep and she would of known that she only usually cares if she gets to see the baby) she stayed for about an hour it was a nice visit although I was kinda pissed because I cleaned the bathroom specially and she never went to the toilet to inspect it (I know how she loves to judge me) Anyway, she so happened to SLIP into the conversation that my OH brother booked their wedding 2 days ago. Great! I love a wedding when have they booked it for then she tells me 2 months before yours! Me and OH have had our wedding booked for a while. They are having a destination wedding 2 months before our freaking wedding our wedding is costing in excess of 10 grand there's no way we can afford this and even if we could we have a young baby who I would not feel happy to take on a plane for 10 hours or leave her for nearly a week which is what they are asking. they got engaged earlier this year after me and OH they have known the date of our wedding for sometime and I feel like they are stealing our thunder and trying to overshadow our big day! Am
I being unreasonable? I feel so put out that they have done this surely they know we can't afford to make their wedding! When Mil told me I had to act really happy for them but inside I was raging!

No I don't think he would ever do that but I think sil might which would be an awful shame but totally her choice. Yeh it's a crap situation. Oh I don't care about getting a tough time on here I've had a right laugh reading some of the comments on here lol I know that last comment will probably make things worse but people on here feel so entitled to be rude it's hilarious! Thanks for your kind words I hope it all works out id rather no tension they are having a totally different wedding to us but that also leaves me feeling that in our day they might regret choosing a long haul when they see our wedding filled with friends and family I don't want any bad feelings with regards to that I just want us all together to celebrate xxx

I would love to actually go but it would cost us 2 grand each without spending money! Just can't afford it at all we still have other bills to pay

It doesn't matter what the OP and her partner have agreed to spend as long as they aren't expecting others to pay.

Very few people could afford a long haul holiday two months before their wedding and honeymoon, especially if they hadn't been given a huge amount of time to plan. Me and DH wouldn't have been able to get anymore time off work either.

I think you should shrug off any perceived pressure to attend, just repeat that money is too tight. They really shouldn't be pressing the issue, it can hardly be a surprise.

One last option. If you can afford it, is your partner escorts his mum and you stay home with baby.

I did mention that as an option but even just the 2 grand is unaffordable.as well as our wedding we have a car to run we have to live ourselves and our little girl who will be in want of things I did offer my OH he said even if we could afford to just send him he wouldn't feel right going without me and LO because of the destination totally his choice and I'm with him whatever he decides.

I can 100% guarantee they will not look at your wedding and regret the choices they made with theirs. Nobody's being rude to you. Some of us are just pointing out that yes, in answer to your original question, yes YABU. Weddings are stressful enough without heaping more stress onto them. I hope you have a wonderful wedding day and a long and happy marriage.

wingingitmomma Of course YANBU. The first posters to a thread will often say you are, that seems to be Mumsnet code of operations sometimes, IMHO.

You sound very caring and sensitive about your BIL and I think it is a shame this has happened.

If you can't go, you can't go.

Clearly your SIL (if she organised the wedding) felt a bit in the shade and has upped the anti.

Would you consider your DH going without you and the baby?

"Do you think they would pull out if attending yours if you couldn't make theirs?" If your fiance could go it would at least ensure that your BIL does make it (although I would sincerely hope neither of them would pull out after pulling this).

Of course they are free to pick any date and location they like but then they cannot be surprised when people cannot come - especially if they have said it will not be this year and it will be in this country, and then to turn round and say the exact bloody opposite!

"BIL got upset that we won't be going the date has no significance it was all picked by SIL who is all about her family she doesn't care about his."

If the new bride-to-be doesn't care about her husband-to-be's family maybe your BIL will see things for what they are.

"I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be honest I get it's their choice but we would never have booked our wedding so close to theirs if it had been the other way around."

You don't need to justify yourself, you've planned and arranged and your SIL-to-be has jumped in and nabbed the limelight, sadly making it difficult for her finance and your finance.

Long term, just focus on your big day. 10K is a lot of money but if you have got it, spend it how you like.

Hope the day goes well.

Thank you Italian x

You are welcome, please do consider giving your dh-to-be the option of attending without you, if he wishes to and if you can afford it. I really would not have wanted to miss my sister's wedding but I was not put out to have missed my SIL's wedding (as it happened before I met DH!).

It isn't rocket science that two months before your own wedding and with a 10 hour flight (I'm sure they're not the oh people to get married there so not sure on the invasion of privacy thing when you're then discussing their emotions and character but hey ho) its going to be hard for you to go and def don't feel bad for that. They've chosen an exotic location and they will find lot of people can't justify the expense. Even if it was 6 months after yours I'm guessing your answer would be similar.

Your wedding will be polar opposites so people won't be comparing. Just express your regret.

If they're having a bog a party I would dp everything I could to go to that.

And get your invites out pronto!

YANBU in my eyes, some people will do this kind of thing for many different reasons. One of them is to do it first, others include pregnancy / hoping a marriage will fix problems / killing 2 birds with one stone - amazing trip & a wedding.

I'm guessing your wedding will be different to theirs, so I would focus on your own prep, once you feel comfy you can share wedding tips etc, ask how things are going.

The whole point of marriage is you are committing yourself to a person, for the rest of your life. The focus in your mind should be on the above, over parties and pleasing others. That's one bit of advice I always say, as it's easy to spend so much, when the important part is the vows, then the shared experience.

If they're getting married abroad, they should be prepared for people not to attend. Maybe get your OH to say we've got so much going on with our wedding, we just can't afford it, really really sorry.

I agree a 10 hour flight 'could' be miserable for DC, you, passengers around you. So that's another solid reason to give it extra thought. If you all flew together you could play a game of pass the baby, but it doesn't guarantee she'll like it at all.

Good luck with your wedding, make that your main focus.

SIL wants it to be all about her and made sure that you wouldnt be there.

The issue for me is why is your BIL marrying someone who would cheerfully see him really upset over his own wedding.....

How close to your wedding is the family do? Booking that just before your wedding is rude if this is what is happening. YANBU to get upset. It does sound as though your SIL to be doesn't give a fuck about anyone but herself. Have they offered to pay for youd accommodation at the family do in reciprocation to your offer?

On the 2 months tbing YABU.

On tbe fact theyve chosen to have an extravagant destination wedding knowing that it's going to cost friends/family thousands to attend, YANBU. I wonder if they're getting their hotel, honeymoon etc fkr free based on enough guests attending (and paying!).
Personally, I don't mind people chosing small destinations (not for me but each to their own) but when they want family to shell out thousands what it actually says is 'we prefer location over people, have no regard for your finances and our priorities are having a few beach photos over our nearest and dearest.'

My friends brother married a woman, who only cares about her family and herself. He deeply regrets it. They have two children, who have been emotionally and to some extent physically neglected. Think food, they mustn't get fat so no snacking even as toddlers and no evening meal allowed. One child apparently is wafer thin. She offered him no comfort when his mother died recently. And he can't divorce her because she'd take him to the cleaners. I hope your BIL has better luck.

You sound lIke a deep thinker. Your SIL will never be able to live up to how considerate you are with others. My SIL isn't able to with me either. She just doesn't have those skills and has no desire to attain them. So life becomes all about her. I'm chronically ill. And she has no concept of my life and struggles, never offers to help or empathise in fact quite the reverse. But she's now going through perimenopause so I must understand her struggles and how hard it is for her. I'm in perimenopause too btw, which is giving me excruciating pain as my womb contracts for the week at the end of my period. This is just one symptom, which obviously I've kept to myself as I'm not going to get any emotional or physical support from her over it. She was very traumatised by her pregnancy yet mine was equally difficult. Just different. And mine has left me very very ill and in chronic pain more than 8 years on. I just grin, bear it and remember that this isn't a completion.

Completion - COMPETITION

People who want a destination wedding don't have any right to complain when the majority of invited guests quite rightly say no. So BIL being upset is a situation of his own making. If he's being railroaded into this by his fiancee then that's something he has to deal with himself.

Whether or not I had my own wedding coming up, and/or even if I could easily afford it, I would never attend a destination wedding. My time and money is worth more to me than someone's destination/fantasy wedding, especially in a holiday locale I'd probably never choose for myself. If they really wanted to celebrate their big day with their loved ones they'd do so in a locale that was convenient and cheap for most of their guests. (It's inevitable that someone will have to travel, but that's way different that expecting EVERYONE to travel to some remote destination).

SIL sounds like a very selfish and insecure individual. If it's true that she's the driving force behind all this then it sounds like yes, she is trying to steal a bit of OP's thunder. Well, the last laugh will be on her when most of the groom's family and friends don't attend, but do attend the OP's local and easy-to-get-to wedding a few months later. Not that BIL gets away scot-free. He had to have agreed with this at some point, so no sympathy for him either.

As for suggestions that the OP scale back some of her planning and use that money to attend BIL's wedding - why should she? It's not up to OP to fund her BIL and SIL's fantasy wedding holiday.

God I could have written your op! I know exactly how you feel. There is no way that we can make their wedding (we are not even having a honeymoon as we are buying a house plus we can't afford to pay for our wedding and for flights and accommodation in the height of summer for all four of us). TBH everyone we have spoken to about it (including mil) has agreed with us and think it's strange and a little bit like they are trying to take the attention away from us, so I actually get where you are coming from.

So don't go. Maybe it's a destination wedding because they don't want a lot of people there.

They are doing what they want when they want, just like you are. If you can't go that's fine. Chill. YABU.

Yabu

Two months before your wedding only you and future DH will be thinking about it. Two months after their wedding BIL and SIL will be the only ones thinking about theirs. Weddings don't matter to anyone else a fraction as much as they do to the bride and groom.

Don't go to theirs, if it's a destination wedding they'll surely be expecting not everyone can go and if not they're just stupid.

Unclench

Similar happened to me. I'm still bitter
Dsis booked her wedding suddenly 6 weeks before ours. ALL our family lived abroad. No one could come twice in 6 weeks

I'd be annoyed if it was a UK wedding at your venue but honestly, if they want to get married and don't want to hold off too long then this is the most considerate/least overlapping way of doing it. Two lovely family celebrations in one year. Congratulations to you all!

Yabvu

Their wedding, their call - they will not regret their wedding when they're at yours - the very idea

Calm down - in a couple of years you'll look back and cringe at this

I remember when we announced our wedding, my mum was miffed off because it was her 25th anniversary that year and she didn't want anything to overshadow it.

She didn't want me to marry my dh anyway but this was the icing on the cake for her.

She wore a dress so navy it was almost black to show her disapproval and even cried but it was "tears of happiness" really

4 years down the line and she still doesn't like my dh

Be careful they do not hijack your reception and turn it into a joint celebration for the friends and family who could't make their wedding.