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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To expect husband to use his brain occasionally?

286 replies

McDougal · 07/02/2017 17:15

Together for 16 years, married for almost seven but almost certain that he has engaged his brain about three times during that period. He'll do absolutely anything for anyone, me included, but the second conversation turns to him doing something without direction, he goes blank. Please tell me it's not just me that this infuriates?

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 08/02/2017 16:53

Not sure how anyone could discern that distinction ( 'MM' is a subset of 'NAM') but my post was prompted more by skerrys which said precisely 'not all men are like this'. As soon as I saw gators post the response was boringly inevitable.

Baffledonthisone · 08/02/2017 17:00

And yet you are still here, so not that boring.

Naicehamshop · 08/02/2017 17:07

Baffled - I've been at work and missed your reply to my earlier question about your definition of feminism. Now that I've read that it's the dictionary definition I'm none the wiser. My dictionary says " a belief in the social, political and economic equality of women".

If your dictionary says the same, then I am struggling to understand what part of that you have a problem with.

BertrandRussell · 08/02/2017 17:23

Obviously NAMALT. But this thread is, surely, about those that are?

Baffled- I wonder if you noticed my post of 12.49-and if you might consider giving my your thoughts?

ErrolTheDragon · 08/02/2017 17:37

Threads frequently have a mix of interesting and same-old, that's how it goes. I checked back mainly to see if MNHQ had responded to Liney's inquiry. That was quite predictable too, but more interestingly so, IMO.

BadKnee · 08/02/2017 17:40

The discussion becomes meaningless, just and exchange of inevitable cliches if we reduce it to that.

"Men are useless" - (generalisation, sexist put-down)
"NAMALT" (rebuttal)
"That is an inevitable dismissal of feminism by a 1950's throwback" (personal attack)
"Anyone who criticizes is a feminazi - that's why I am not a feminist" - and here we go again!

Tedious

BadKnee · 08/02/2017 18:05

It isn't just about those that are though Bertrand - several posts have indicated that they believe many, (if not all), men are like that and women "in general" allow them to be.

There is an interesting discussion to be had. A discussion about different styles, about how work can be split, about expectations and handovers. About allowing people to make mistakes and to find their own way of doing things, about the value of paid and unpaid work.

As I said my own experience was that both DP and I both had periods when the the kids were young of being the full-time carer and the part-time carer who wasn't clued up. We also both had real concerns about being the one having to bring in the money. And we had a very difficult period where we split it all more or less 50/50.

user 's posts were very wise on the subject and interesting to hear a different point of view.

BathshebaDarkstone · 08/02/2017 18:06

Baffled I think Bertrand is a GF and you're just encouraging her. We've locked horns on previous threads.

KathArtic · 08/02/2017 18:09

It was me who said feminists need to calm down. Twice.

I generally find on these kind of threads that you can't have an opinion with a feminist. Its their way or you are wrong. Whatever you say they have an argument. They start shouting and swearing and getting really wound up by it. Or start picking your opinion to bits – wanting clarity on this, that and other.

Every instance of a man not doing this, or a woman doing that, results in 'that's how it starts, if it wasn't for us you wouldn't have the vote/an education'. Some feminists are really knowledgable in their interest in the subject but some use this to 'out educate' others and revel in being more intelligent and informed on it. That’s great, but they won't accept the average person isn't that interested in the minutiae of feminism. They would have more support and following if they used this to promote and inspire.

Both my DH and I would are united in the fight for equality and equal pay, but if I want to do the washing in my house everyday and DH wants to fix the car once a year then that is how we will live our lives.

Baffledonthisone · 08/02/2017 18:18

BathshebaDarkstone I wouldn't go that far, but the expression "like a dog with a bone" comes to mind. I have observed similar before but wouldn't make assumptions on their intention.

LucklessMonster · 08/02/2017 18:21

It's the indulgent tone in posts like the OP's that I find troubling. They find it sweet that their husband is an overgrown child who depends on them to function, and I don't get it. I couldn't be sexually attracted to a man who forced me to mother him Confused

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/02/2017 18:23

Has anyone proposed a solution to the problem of WOHDs who become helpless in the home? I have read the thread and can't see any.Thanks

Baffledonthisone · 08/02/2017 18:23

BertrandRussell I find it odd that you ask me to answer you question from 1249 when I'm still awaiting an answer to my question from 1029.

BertrandRussell · 08/02/2017 18:24

"It was me who said feminists need to calm down. Twice.

I generally find on these kind of threads that you can't have an opinion with a feminist. Its their way or you are wrong. Whatever you say they have an argument. They start shouting and swearing and getting really wound up by it. Or start picking your opinion to bits – wanting clarity on this, that and other."
Do you think that's happened on this thread?

BadKnee · 08/02/2017 18:26

I think people are waiting for you to come back on several points relevant to the subject matter first rather than pick on individuals' posts

Original poster
McDougal · 08/02/2017 18:27

I don't recall at any point saying that I mother him. If that is other people's interpretation then that is up to them. His lack of awareness of things needing doing infuriates me but I'm not on hand with a maternal nudge to get things done.

It does feel as if this has been blown out of all proportion. We are all free to live our lives the way we choose; some people enjoy mothering others for example. I am not one of those people.

In future, I'll remember that this isn't the place for a bit of a moan.

OP posts:
Original poster
McDougal · 08/02/2017 18:30

Bert - I do actually think that has happened on this thread.

OP posts:
BadKnee · 08/02/2017 18:30

No-one minds a moan - I moan about my useless teen all the time - he drives me mad. The problem is when people then say that all men (teens) are the same and therefore useless and if you disagree you are an enabler etc.

Fair enough to moan OP - very therapeutic - have a nice evening!!

Baffledonthisone · 08/02/2017 18:30

"wanting clarity on this, that and the other..."

"Do you think that's happened on this thread?"

Tell me that was intentional!

waterrat · 08/02/2017 18:43

Haven't rtft as it all got a bit complicated.

It is so depressing when women say their husbands 'can't remember nursery times ' etc etc. Jesus wept. Men are MPs company directors lawyers...They rule the world and women mother them and treat them as though they are helpless

BertrandRussell · 08/02/2017 18:46

"I think people are waiting for you to come back on several points relevant to the subject matter first rather than pick on individuals' posts"
I would be happy to. The problem is I'm not allowed to ask for clarification! I wanted to know, for example, what baffled meant by "crusade". Is it OK if I ask that?

BadKnee · 08/02/2017 18:54

I think you know what she meant.

However that line of debate is not going to get us anywhere.. It does not widen the issues it just nitpicks points of language and targets particular posters.

The discussion may well have blown itself out now anyway as the OP has explained what she meant and I think may have bowed out.

Naicehamshop · 08/02/2017 19:02

Disappointed. Very, very disappointed with some of the comments on this thread.

People can do what they want in their own homes, of course, but talk of "feminazis" and complaints about feminists shouting and swearing are ridiculous and (deliberately) myopic.

BertrandRussell · 08/02/2017 19:29

I genuinely don't know what baffled meant by "crusade". I would really love to answer the question and any others anyone might have.

If she meant "crusade" as in a generalized feminist campaign, then the world would look equal. Happy to go into more detail but it will be long. If she meant "crusade" specifically concerning this thread, then I would like the next generation of men to be able to look after themselves and their children without needing to ask their wives/partners for detailed instructions. I would like girls and boys to be expected to pull their weight in their families of origin, and learn how to live in a community-to do chores, to cook, to take part in family life. And that will only happen if fathers model this to them. Some do, of course. But it is obvious that many don't. And if boys see their mothers doing the "ah, bless" thing that's not going to happen.

Ohdearducks · 08/02/2017 19:40

I mean who wants to have sex with an adult man who does not know what to do if he can't find a parking space

Who wants to? Me I want to have sex with him, because he's gorgeous and an amazing shag.
The fact that he's not the smartest man in the world means nothing to me; he loves me, takes care of me, the kids, the house, supports me in every way I want him to and I do the same for him, we are a partnership.
The fact he's a man is irrelevant, if I was a lesbian and my partner lacked common sense I'd say the same thing about her too.
I fucking resent this insinuation that because my DP lacks intelligence in some areas he's feigning stupidity in order to make me 'mother' him and somehow oppress me.

I made a lighthearted comment on a lighthearted thread ffs so can you just piss off with that nonsense please? Ta very much.

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