Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To expect husband to use his brain occasionally?

286 replies

McDougal · 07/02/2017 17:15

Together for 16 years, married for almost seven but almost certain that he has engaged his brain about three times during that period. He'll do absolutely anything for anyone, me included, but the second conversation turns to him doing something without direction, he goes blank. Please tell me it's not just me that this infuriates?

OP posts:
slightlyglitterbrained · 10/02/2017 05:39

So do you pull people up on it as vigorously when they say "aww hun, men are just like that"? (Something I've seen relatively often on threads on MN).

Baffledonthisone · 10/02/2017 05:44

slightlyglitterbrained I haven't been pulling anyone up for those opinions.

I'm trying to explain the two points of view in this thread you have joined.

I fall quite firmly in the, we are all a bit crap and a bit amazing camp! Grin

slightlyglitterbrained · 10/02/2017 05:50

I've read the whole thread. You've been quite critical at points and "we're all a bit crap and a bit amazing" is not the impression coming across, hence my question about "pulling up". You are coming across as doing that - if that's not your intention then that's a bit of a shame.

Baffledonthisone · 10/02/2017 05:56

That is a shame! Blush You think my posts are pulling down women who accept their partners (bar the occasional lighthearted rant) including their foibles?

Baffledonthisone · 10/02/2017 05:57

I really felt like I was critical of quite the opposite.

Baffledonthisone · 10/02/2017 06:06

Had a quick check through. I'm content you have got the wrong end of he stick but happy to clarify anything for you.

slightlyglitterbrained · 10/02/2017 06:09

The opposite? There have been quite a few opposites in this thread (yeah I know that sounds a bit weird, but really there've been lots of opposing views, not all coming from the same directions, IYSWIM).

Were you referring back to my earlier question, i.e. by women who accept their partner's foibles, you'd say you do not want to be critical of women who say "aww, men are just like that"?

Or did you mean by opposite that you did want to be critical of someone? Or...something else?

Baffledonthisone · 10/02/2017 06:20

This is becoming a tongue twister..., here goes:

I think the only people I have been critical of on this thread, is the people who have been critical of people.

Brew ahhh!

I personally don't believe "men are just like that." (I do think humans are just like that, though)

BUT it moves me to engage when the extreme feminists land in and tear someone holding those views to pieces.

If one wants fairness and equality, one cannot also be the thought police.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 10/02/2017 06:30

People who claim to be on the side of women slightly blow themselves out of the water when they use the word "femintwatsie".
I think we know where people like that are really coming from, don't we.

Baffledonthisone · 10/02/2017 06:32

Do we?

So I am a woman. You must be on my side then? Or is it ok to not be on my side because you believe my approach is damaging?

And if the latter, can you see the comparison?

slightlyglitterbrained · 10/02/2017 06:35

But...erm, aren't you in danger of becoming the thought police then? I mean, "feminazi" is quite a long long way from conciliatory "let's find some common ground over a Brew and Cake"

If it's okay to tear people down in order to support your beliefs, then you're not really saying it's wrong to be critical of people.

Baffledonthisone · 10/02/2017 06:42

That is a very fair point.

I have issues with some of MNers hard line mis-interpretation of feminism but you are correct. They are entitled to behave as they do, I am entitled to behave as I do.

And you are right, Bert et al may seem like unpleasant people in this thread, but they might actually be just fine if we had some Brew and Cake.

Sallystyle · 10/02/2017 06:46

I couldnt look a man in the face that didn't know how to look after his own children. I think it's shameful. I certainly wouldn't have had more than 1 when I realised he hadn't a dam clue how to be a parent.

Yes, how deeply unattractive these men are.

I'll say. Bert's feminism seems to be about putting women down and that's not feminism at all.

I don't always agree with Bert, we have had our heated discussions in the past. However, it is complete bollocks to say Bert is all about putting women down. I don't even know where you got that shit from.

Bert does often feel frustration towards women who laugh and say 'tee he he, my husband is so useless, he didn't even know our child wasn't in pull ups' and I don't blame her.

I don't think laughing at men being a bit useless, immature, not knowing what time your kid goes to nursery, not maturing past the age of 21, calling their wives to ask them where to park, not knowing anything about their children's school life and so on is at all lighthearted. Or funny.

It's depressing. My husband is a SAHD right now and I work. I wonder if people would think it was funny if I didn't know my children's teachers, didn't know anything about their homework, nursery times, bed times and so on? I think I would be raked over the coals for being an ineffectual mother. When men are like it is funny and understandable though.

Feminists are always told we need to lighten up. This stuff matters though. You can pretend it is all lighthearted and funny, but it matters.

Sallystyle · 10/02/2017 06:49

And you are right, Bert et al may seem like unpleasant people in this thread

She hasn't been unpleasant. People just find it unpleasant when others don't go along and laugh with them about their useless men who know fuck all about their children and how to parent them.

Baffledonthisone · 10/02/2017 06:50

if I didn't know my children's teachers, didn't know anything about their homework, nursery times, bed times and so on? I think I would be raked over the coals for being an ineffectual mother.

But upthread a mother described herself as just this with dp as sahd. There was no raking over the coals.

slightlyglitterbrained · 10/02/2017 06:53

My perspective from memory of reading Bertrand on other threads is that I'd be quite happy to have a good chat over Brew & Cake with her. She's struck me as pretty mild mannered and sensible with a lot worth listening to.

I am not reading her posts as unpleasant, or ripping people apart - frustrated and a bit Hmm - sharp on occasion, but not based in any desire to attack individuals (harmful tropes, yes, people no).

However, I can see that this thread polarised pretty damn fast at some point and after that, well...

It's a pity, because there have been some really interesting stories. Maybe if people don't RTFT it'll go back to that Grin

Baffledonthisone · 10/02/2017 06:55
Grin
Sallystyle · 10/02/2017 06:58

But upthread a mother described herself as just this with dp as sahd. There was no raking over the coals.

I missed that,. However, it was inserted into a pretty active thread and probably got glossed over. If a man started a thread about how his wife works and knows fuck all about her children she would be raked over the coals. I guarantee it. I would bet money on it.

Just because one person posted something like that on this thread and didn't get pulled up on it does not mean that there isn't a huge double standard on what people expect from mothers and fathers, and the fact that men largely get away with their uselessness, whereas women wouldn't.

I hope that made sense, I'm walking out of the door and rushing.

Baffledonthisone · 10/02/2017 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RoughBeast · 10/02/2017 07:30

Well done, Baffled. Your commitment, vigour and determination dedicated to the right to blithely co-parent/co-parent with someone fundamentally incompetent because of sexual double standards, and think that's fine and dandy, is truly admirable.

Honestly.

BathshebaDarkstone · 10/02/2017 07:37

I know I'm being pedantic and missing the point entirely, but I'd like to clarify one point:

DH knew that DS2 wasn't in Pull Ups, he thought it was acceptable to put him in them for his, DH's convenience. He didn't realise it would set him back with potty training, or give him mixed messages. He also wanted to bring him home if he had an accident, as, apparently, he was incapable of taking wet pants off and putting dry ones on. Hmm

Original poster
McDougal · 10/02/2017 07:40

Is there a reason that this has gotten so incredibly personal?

As I've stated in previous posts, my original post was a rant after a long day. Nothing more. Yes, it does highlight and acknowledge that there are issues with regards to gender stereotyping within our society however we are all individuals who take responsibility for our own lives.

As mentioned by various posters, a marriage is a partnership and it is up to the two partners to allocate tasks as they see fit. My post was in response to my husband being a bit lazy that day....something I intend to emulate today Grin

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 10/02/2017 07:40

Totally with Bert on this one. My best friend married a man child and it grinds my gears. They both work in demanding jobs but the entire responsibility for the domestic sphere falls to her. And it's like excuse bingo : oh he's so tired (you both work full time) he's so useless! (he works at director level in a technical job) he just doesn't notice (he's paid to maintain high standards) men are a nightmare eh? (mine isn't but I can't say that without looking rude.)

Nobody gets married in a fog of lust these days. Couples live together, and see each other's characters up close. Yet still they persist with 'you're so lucky Steve is great at that stuff' . Not lucky at all. I've shagged many men but I wouldn't have procreated with one who can't operate a hoover.

ErrolTheDragon · 10/02/2017 07:50

McDougal - that's AIBU for you - sometimes bunfights develop. If a couple of GF's early in the thread decide to start using delete-worthy perjoratives after someone dares mention the word 'feminist' outside of the feminism boards, then I'm afraid it is almost inevitable. If they didn't mean to be inflammatory, then instead of using inflammatory language perhaps they could have - as others have done - just debated to whether the behaviour you wanted a moan about is in any way a feminist issue.

StumblyMonkey · 10/02/2017 08:00

So like....I don't understand how people put up with this?

I think it's all about setting boundaries. That means not enabling them to take the short cut they're looking for which is for you to do it.

Conversations that frequently occur in our house:

DP "How do you make this?"

Me: "I don't know darling, I'd usually look at the packet and read the instructions so I'd suggest starting there"

Or

DP

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.