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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect husband to use his brain occasionally?

286 replies

McDougal · 07/02/2017 17:15

Together for 16 years, married for almost seven but almost certain that he has engaged his brain about three times during that period. He'll do absolutely anything for anyone, me included, but the second conversation turns to him doing something without direction, he goes blank. Please tell me it's not just me that this infuriates?

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 08/02/2017 11:00

McDougal there is a Dadsnet.

user1478860582 · 08/02/2017 11:00

If I can add a slightly different slant on this. I'm a SAHD (retired after a very serious diagnosis).

My wife works full time. We are using this period of time to build her career. Therefore the housework/kids/cooking and everything comes down to me. Nobody wants to do housework when they come in from work and I don't think she should as I'm here.

I tend to make sure that weekends are free as time together is now precious. I imagine like a lot of people who do the majority of the housework I now have stuff where I expect it to be. The kitchen is sorted so as it's easy for me to cook. When she tries to cook it takes forever as she can't find anything and isn't in the rhythm of doing it. She also doesn't enjoy cooking so it doesn't taste that great. So I might as well do it.

I have most contact with teachers and schools. I'm not sure my wife knows what the kids are up to at school or indeed what clubs they go to.

Is she a woman child? Is she stupid or lazy? Or am I an enabler? None of these. We just work to our strengths and with the situation we have at the moment.

There is a strong possibility I'll be dead soon. She'll cope and I imagine most of the men talked about in this thread would also cope if they suddenly had to.

Baffledonthisone · 08/02/2017 11:00

He doesn't know our routine

Christ on a bike! How would he?!

Psychic powers? Deep intuition? It's your bloody routine. Let him develop his own and stop arogantly believing mumma knows best!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/02/2017 11:01

its only 2016. we are still dealing with men that were raised (not all I concede) by women and men that followed more traditional gender roles

In addition to this we have a generation of women who literally do everything, we work and we still carry much of the domestic burden

and, this doesn't 100% answer why some men are so fucking useless once they see that someone else (female) can do it for them

Baffledonthisone · 08/02/2017 11:03

user1478860582 x post. thank you for your sensible contribution.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/02/2017 11:03

user1478860582

very very sorry to hear that, really, wishing the very best for the path forward, shite Sad

BadKnee · 08/02/2017 11:08

Just to say when at one period when the DC were small I was working full time - out of the house from 7.15 - 7.30, (9pm on Fridays). DP had been made redundant. He did the childcare. I had no bloody idea who their friends were at nursery or which days the clubs were on. I was out of step with which child ate what and whose birthday party invites we had accepted.

Because I wasn't there and he was.

I spent time with the DC, put them to bed, played on Saturdays but most of my time and energy went into work.

As soon as I was made redundant - tough times for us - I took on some more childcare and between us we split it both working on bits and bobs when we could. It was really hard to co-ordinate. Then he got a job away and I did it on my own.

We did it differently - I was better at the social mixing/playdates side, he was better at going out of town on adventures and they would do train rides to all sorts of places. He is the better cook and far better at down on the floor imaginative play. I was better at talking to them about their day.

Neither of us is incapable or lazy. If you are in a "job" for much of the time you do it and know it. If you are not, you find it harder.

It is also hard if you want to do it your way and then you want someone else to do it your way too.

Get a full time job. If your "useless" DPs had to they would do it perfectly well.

BadKnee · 08/02/2017 11:10

user so sorry to hear of your situation. You sound kind and sensible. Flowers

ErrolTheDragon · 08/02/2017 11:19

Flowersuser - it sounds as though you and your DW have a mutually supportive, pragmatic arrangement.

However, it's significantly different to the OP's case where neither is a SAHP yet the responsibility for domestic stuff falls to her - even if her DH does stuff, she evidently has to supervise it.

TedEriksen · 08/02/2017 11:24

The man's work-i.e. the money earning bit- is considered so important that he is absolved from all the other bits

I've always found the prevailing opinion on MN to be that full-time work is a skive - involving tons of cuppas and chatting - compared to the domestic arena.

BadKnee · 08/02/2017 11:29

Ted - sometimes - by some SAHPs but not by women who do go out to work. The boards are full of threads about work and how tough it is especially now where it is often that the balance of power is in the employer's favour so people are being told to get on with it or get out.

Work is hard!! Office politics, unreasonable shifts, huge levels of stress, having to work in "your own time" just to keep up, long hours, physically demanding roles with few breaks and no privacy... Hard indeed. And all shot through with the fear that if you lose the work you won't be able to pay the bills.

Original poster
McDougal · 08/02/2017 11:31

Just to add....whilst I've been to uni this morning, DH has cleaned and done the weekly shop. While he is at work over the weekend, these things will fall to me.

Only guidance given this morning was 'take the list of the fridge'.

Definitely not an unequal marriage but we have our own ways and when I'm not in the best of moods I may not think his way is the best way. As we're both adults, this has no impact on our marriage other than the odd misguided rant on here.

I agree with a lot of points made and am in no way repressed, honest Smile

OP posts:
user1478860582 · 08/02/2017 11:39

Thank you all. What will be will be, however I had a bet with the consultant yesterday that I'll out live his predictions. I hate losing bets!

I think my point is, that actually we just tend to fall into these rolls. My wife doesn't do that much because she doesn't get much practice. It's kind of like when you are going out in the car. The person who tends to drive is the one who the car is set up for. By the time you have altered the seat, mirrors or whatever you could be halfway to Tesco!

KathArtic · 08/02/2017 12:25

Jesus fucking Christ. In 2017 on a woman's forum someone is saying feminists should calm down because a lot of people aren't that bothered by equality. This is exactly what I mean. Calm down.

Baffledonthisone · 08/02/2017 12:35

KathArtic Grin

ErrolTheDragon · 08/02/2017 12:45

User - sometimes we do just fall into roles ( which may or may not be in line with gender stereotypes). The irritations (or worse) arise when the split isn't equitable. When somehow - in a situation where neither partner is a SAHP - one or other ducks out of assuming as much responsibility for family life. This is unfortunately still all too common, either one partner not doing their share or the 'I've done the shopping/washing/etc for you' syndrome.

I hope you win your bet by a long mark.

BertrandRussell · 08/02/2017 12:49

OK.

Please can you talk to me about "feminazi" femintwatsi""man hating" "female supremacy"and "feminists need to calm down"

Do you think any of those expressions apply to anyone on this thread? If so, could you explain why? And I am sure if you wanted to name names nobody would mind.

GatoradeMeBitch · 08/02/2017 13:20

Men are useless at home because they see anything domestic as not their business, beneath them. It is a type of misogyny, the insidious kind many people participate in without realizing. For me it stopped being cute when we had two DCs, and DP couldn't pick up some shopping from a list without calling me every three minutes to rustle a packet against the phone and ask me if he had the right pasta, or frantically call me down to ask me what detergent to use to clean the floor. The point I think was to irritate me so much I would stop asking him to participate in family life. And I did. He just didn't realize I'd ask him to stop participating altogether... I get so much more done now! Wink

skerrywind · 08/02/2017 13:27

Men are useless at home because they see anything domestic as not their business, beneath them.

That's your choice in a man- I can assure you that not all men are like this.

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 08/02/2017 13:54

Hi all,
We can see this is an ongoing conversation and have no desire to interrupt, but in answer to Liney's earlier question regarding the use of the word "feminazi" on the site, we would say that we generally try to avoid outright bans - context is important, often, and allowing particular terms to be challenged by other users is frequently more effective, in our experience, in terms of shifting the discourse.
We do think, though, that most instances of this word would fall foul of one or other of our Talk Guidelines - so do report if you see it and we'll take a look.
That is, of course, what happened here. If anything the offending terms were left up for longer than usual because this conversation was taking place rather early in the morning. We've left some of them, though, so as to allow the debate.
Cheers, everyone.
HelenMNHQ

BadKnee · 08/02/2017 13:55

GatoradeMeBitch - As Skerry said - that is your choice of man. Most I know are not like that at all.

As many have said a natural division of labour tends to occur for reasons of practicality but how that happens is up to the individuals concerned and there have been many examples on this thread of different ways of doing that.

LineysRun · 08/02/2017 14:32

Thanks for that input, Y.A.HelenMN.

TedEriksen · 08/02/2017 14:46

Men are useless at home because they see anything domestic as not their business, beneath them.

Not that you're generalising or anything...

ErrolTheDragon · 08/02/2017 16:09

Gator - first law of discussing anything like this, thou shalt not (even accidentally) ever say 'men' without a qualifier (some, a few, many, the men who exhibit the behaviour under discussion...) because NAMALT. Yeah, I know, it's tedious.

Baffledonthisone · 08/02/2017 16:46

I don't think TedEriksen was saying NAMALT, as much as MMANLT. Hmm

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