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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a tiny bit pissed off they stole my only bit of me time

264 replies

Babyiwantabump · 07/02/2017 13:21

Eldest in play group .

Youngest was napping.

Finally sat my bum on the sofa with a hot cup of tea and a bit of the Netflix.

PIL turn up Angry
No phone call before - I explain that eldest at playgroup youngest asleep upstairs it's just me . They still come in . Then I have to run around making them drinks and focusing on them!

They ruined my me time!!

AIBU?

OP posts:
citybushisland · 09/02/2017 10:06

navyandwhite can you not see that it's rude for 'droppers in' to assume what they want is more important than the person on which they are dropping in? Let's say I was going to a job interview, in-laws drop in just as I'm getting ready, they should leave, yes? So why is it different if you have an appointment for some peace and quiet IN YOUR OWN HOME? If you are the kind of person that doesn't need 'me time' or loves having visitors that does not mean everyone has to or that their needs are somehow lesser than the visitors.

NavyandWhite · 09/02/2017 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SapphireStrange · 09/02/2017 10:09

I know, Navy. I said 'this poster's case'. In any case I don't see what difference that makes Confused

derxa · 09/02/2017 10:14

I said that poster was mean to give her stepdad a quick cup of tea then send him on his way after driving 170 miles. You don't think that's mean? In what world is that not mean? Exactly

NavyandWhite · 09/02/2017 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eddiemairswife · 09/02/2017 10:18

I'm retired. 'Me-time' didn't exist when my children were babies and toddlers, neither did mobile phones. I expect your in-laws might be of that generation and genuinely don't see the need to let anyone know that they might drop by.

BiddyPop · 09/02/2017 10:18

But change the circumstances from nice food cooking and wine open, to getting ready to go out with friends for that precious first night alone in 4 years. DSDad rings the bell as the poster is drying her hair. Is she still expected to make tea and entertain him even though it would make her late for meeting others?

Why is it not allowed to have plans that revolve around time alone in your own home without being rude?!

BiddyPop · 09/02/2017 10:19

My DM is retired and "me time" most certainly existed for her!

SingingInTheRainstorm · 09/02/2017 10:25

I'm going to stand with Navy&White here, PIL do cop it quite a bit. Yet I'm guessing if it was DP's it'd be fine no issue. It scares me for when DS grows up as we're close, to think I'm going to feature on MN. You rarely see issues with DD's, maybe the men grizzle at work how they got home and MIL was standing there to great him and stayed for dinner.

It always fascinated me as I have a fair few siblings, so I saw this me time come in. Being one of those pesky relatives who would drop round my Mum's unannounced. But growing up we always dropped in on GP's unannounced. So that's possibly where I got that from. Even now you can turn up whenever to GP's, my Grandmother has never said its my me time, your Grandad is at bowls and I'm putting my feet up.

Usually when I was younger it was me babysitting so my DM could get her me time at the salon then lunch with her friends.

I don't think I've ever had me time, I always assumed after the children have gone to bed is our time to do adulting. Maybe I need to instigate it. Whilst a cup of tea is courteous, anyone would be hard pressed to spring a lunch on me, as we only have what we're going to use in the house.

I won't be posting here about my rogue PIL turning up as they live 100 miles away. So would likely call first as they have no other reason to visit. That's where you're all going wrong, you need to live far far away, then maybe your me time would be platinum protected.

Or another idea, leave a note on the door for the 'postman' had to dash out, leave parcel with neighbours. Then hopefully they'd see the note & leave.

NavyandWhite · 09/02/2017 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BiddyPop · 09/02/2017 10:35

But that's the point. The person who has plans is discommoded by someone just "turning up" with no warning. And those plans shouldn't matter whether the "host" is staying at home or going out - they already had plans.

BiddyPop · 09/02/2017 10:37

She may not have been physically going out, but she DID have plans.

NavyandWhite · 09/02/2017 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachel0Greep · 09/02/2017 10:47

OP, next time (if their is one), tell them you are just about to dye your hair (or something) and leave them downstairs while you enjoy your cuppa... Wink. They will get bored eventually, I presume.

citybushisland · 09/02/2017 10:50

Navy not really, he has assumed that his need trumps hers, what if she'd been going to an interview, a wedding, already out? If you just drop in on people you need to be prepared to be turned away, surely? Her need for peace and quiet in her own home is just as valid. Or else we're saying that in-laws time has more right to be considered than DIL's or SIL's. My parents would phone before visiting & if I said I was having time to myself they wouldn't visit then, they'd ask when it would be ok to come round.

BiddyPop · 09/02/2017 10:52

Exactly Citybushisland, having your own plans is assumed to be less important than others.

NavyandWhite · 09/02/2017 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jwpetal · 09/02/2017 10:57

It is awful when you lose your 'me' time. Instead of being angry with the PIL, perhaps it is worth looking at how you manage your relationship and communicate with them. If it happens again, you could say (not hint) that kids are away and that you are not available for a visit. They may be hurt but better than raging against the in laws and creating a negative environment.

As much as I remember these moments, I had 3 under 3 at one point. Those visits are not done to spite. They are done for care and social. Maybe, they needed that moment with you. The question is how do we act as adults and set our boundaries.

Personally, I like it when my friends are straight up with what works for them. At least I know where I stand.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/02/2017 10:57

I have to admit, I don't understand the need to feed/water these people with no manners.

They've turned up, spectacularly failed to take the hints, and parked themselves in your living room - why in FUCK do you then decide to give them a cup of tea? All that does is ratify their visit - "it must be ok because we got given a cuppa, we'll go again next time, whatever she says".

No! just don't do it! If they say "pop the kettle on" just say "I just need to go upstairs, you remember where the kitchen is, don't you?" and if they get offended that you won't skivvy after them and leave then job done.
If they then go into the kitchen and make their own tea, they should make you one too. If they don't, then say "oh did you not think to make me a cup as well? Shock"

Pull people up on their shocking manners! Don't just lie down and take it, they'll just do it again.

And YES it IS both rude and inconsiderate to not take the hint with a new mum and push into her home when she's already said that the baby is sleeping.

AS for the MIL who WOKE the baby - well. I don't care WHO that would have been, mother, MIL, best friend, God almighty - they'd have been shown the door at speed.

citybushisland · 09/02/2017 11:03

navy If a family member had driven that distance to see me unexpectedly I would assume something terrible had happened and been questioning them so intently that despite that not being done to stop them calling unexpectedly they would NEVER do so again in case they got welcomed by a madwoman in a panic again :) and yes, I would have made them tea and played nice once I'd established there was no terrible happening because I'm a bit of a doormat in practise. They would STILL be in the wrong though and it would affect my feelings towards them forever due to their thoughtlessness and rudeness.

NavyandWhite · 09/02/2017 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingercoffee · 09/02/2017 11:12

YANBU, I would've felt the same. I probably wouldn't have answered the door. Grad that me-time while you can!

eddiemairswife · 09/02/2017 11:32

Is it a generational thing? Most younger people seem surgically attached to their mobiles and permanently in touch with all and sundry, whereas older ones use the phone for more important things. I've realised that my daughter and her husband tend to just drop in, but their children generally send a text before coming.
I still can't understand these people who never answer the door unless they are expecting someone.

NavyandWhite · 09/02/2017 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

derxa · 09/02/2017 11:56

I still can't understand these people who never answer the door unless they are expecting someone. It's totally bizarre.

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