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Original poster

To expect my partner not to watch porn ?

240 replies

Mammamia2016 · 06/02/2017 10:46

Hi all,

My partner is seemingly obsessed with porn, any opportunity he gets he will try and watch it. I put a block on the internet, so as he couldn't get onto that he then watched creepy videos on YouTube.
I am getting to the point now where I am completely sick of it, he won't have sex with me for up to a week but will watch porn in between, everytime I have found something I get so upset and every time he says he won't do it again. Now I am just numb to it and wondering wether I need to just call it a day?
We have a little girl who is 6 months, it's got worse after I've had her, I'm almost certain he watched it whilst I was in hospital after a very traumatic birth with our daughter whilst she was just hours old. I feel a lot like it's my fault, he often tells me I'm no fun anymore and we don't really have sex. He doesn't try it tbh and I'm very low in confidence. I was quite badly raped before I got with him , which he doesn't know about, I don't know if that's a factor into why I feel so betrayed and upset with him watching porn or wether it is just a normal reaction.
I am thinking of leaving him, but every time I say anything I am 'being over the top'.
Am I ?
Do I follow my heart and stay with him, or go with my gut and leave him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Somerville · 06/02/2017 19:40

Actors are people with jobs. Just like doctors. Teachers. Street cleaners. All people.

People who are in porn might consider themselves to be actors who have freely chosen to have sex on screen. Or they might be drunk or drugged or being threatened. Or desperate for money and hating every second. Or they might not realise they're being filmed. Whichever it is, they are still people.

I am utterly convinced that individuals who decide that people in porn 'aren't real' can't possibly believe that deep down - because it is nonsensical. It must be what they tell themselves to make them feel better about their partners preferring porn to sex with them. Or to dampen down their own guilt at watching porn.

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:40

Given what the OP has said about this man do you really think he is traumatised by watching her go through pain? He doesn't give a shit that his porn habit is causing her pain so what makes you think he is upset/scared by the trauma she went through?

BeyondUnderthinking · 06/02/2017 19:40

Ah yes, tonnes of peer reviewed research saying it's hunky dory

I'll just leave this here...

www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/6/3/17/pdf

BubbleWrapQueen · 06/02/2017 19:41

OP, you cannot live like this. There is a difference between porn usage and porn obsession. DP uses porn to help him masterbate maybe once a week. I have no issue with this, it is when he is not at home with me, it is not in place of me, and I have used it in the past myself. However, this is something we are open about, and it doesn't affect our relationship at all. If it did, I wholeheartedly believe he would stop.

Your husband is not respecting you, or your marriage. Yes, blocking the internet wasn't a great adult move, but tbh he's not behaving much like an adult himself.

If he won't agree to some form of counselling or even admit to his behaviour is causing an issue, he will never change, so you need to look at whether you are happy like this, or need to leave. No one should feel the way you do.

DanGleballs · 06/02/2017 19:42

I watch porn, more than dp (GrinWink). I have a much higher sex drive. So I really haven't got a problem with anyone watching porn.

My best mate hates it. She has depression and is very critical about her looks she is actually pretty with a great figure and a pair of norks that would make a page three girl jealous She tells boyfriends very early on that porn is a deal breaker for her. I haven't got a problem with that either. If men choose to continue a relationship with her they know her boundaries.

Did you discuss porn with your dp before you got serious? Has this been a problem from the start?

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:42

Somer the they aren't real people line is trotted out as justification for not caring how the porn industry treats women.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/02/2017 19:46

OP

It really doesn't sound as if this man really loves or respects you does it?

I think perhaps it's time to start planning a life with just you and your baby

Somerville · 06/02/2017 19:46

I know Racoon; it's so sad.

It's interesting that on this thread lots of posters who don't have a particular problem in general with porn have sympathy with OP's position and have said it sounds problematic in this case. Yet there are always a few who insist that the actual problem are the birth injuries or whatever. Hmm

Screwinthetuna · 06/02/2017 19:47

If you care to read correctly and get off your high horse, I placed 'real' in inverted commas. They are actors that people have 0 emotional connection with. Your partner doesn't love them or have reciprocated affections for them. It is merely their bodies that produce sexual arousal and I wouldn't be surprised if he never thought of that person again once ejaculatng.

Screwinthetuna · 06/02/2017 19:49

Somerville, no actually, I think the actual problem is op's rape. Doesn't sound like she likes her husband very much and perhaps he doesn't like her much either but the rape and how it's been hidden in a marriage is the problem

Somerville · 06/02/2017 19:50

I didn't understand a word of that, Screw.

Screwinthetuna · 06/02/2017 19:51

Maybe you aren't very clever, Somerville, best retire for the night

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:52

Somer the "I like porn more than DH does" comments I can accept.
It's the porn is normal it's you with the problem posts I find vile given what the OP has disclosed about her rape and how her husband treats her.
Who the hell tells a distressed women that her husbands excessive porn use is a hobby and she needs counselling to accept it.Confused

BeyondUnderthinking · 06/02/2017 19:54

I know, I know!!

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:57

So because she was raped, had a traumatic birth 6 months ago, and has expressed to her husband that his porn habit makes her upset/unloved/unattractive and he is not intimate with her oh and he tells her off for an untidy home your first thought is she doesn't like him.....yep your right it's all her.

Somerville · 06/02/2017 19:57

I know Racoon Sad
And posters who are determined to lay the blame at something that has happened to OP rather than the man who was watching porn while she was recovering from a traumatic birth.

Right, got to go chase my kids into bed and then hang out with my poor husband who has his human right to indulging the hobby of wanking to porn blocked by our router. Grin

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/02/2017 19:59

Racoon

I know, I can't quite believe what I am reading

Klaphat · 06/02/2017 20:10

Maybe you aren't very clever, Somerville, best retire for the night

I think people who manage to read through several posts explaining the issues with porn to then still suggest that jealousy and insecurity is the issue are probably the ones lacking something between the ears.

Dahlietta · 06/02/2017 20:11

I am utterly convinced that individuals who decide that people in porn 'aren't real' can't possibly believe that deep down - because it is nonsensical.

Presumably rale124 can believe it because he/she seems to think that ancient pornography and modern pornography are the same in nature.

Screwinthetuna · 06/02/2017 20:20

Klap, i never said jealousy and insecurity is the issue (op said insecurity is herself, if you bothered to read original post). I said IMO, her rape and his being completely unaware of it so not understanding the complexity of her level of upset in regards to his porn watching, is the issue

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2017 20:25

Apparently the dude was so traumatised by the birth he went and watched some porn and had a wank a few hours after. Clearly traumatised indeed. 🙄

I don't think the op should be attacked. It's really not ok. As much as it wasn't great to block content, it's hardly a cardinal sin.

Women in porn movies are real. They really are. Actual people. They are not cartoons or figments of ones imagination.

Porn is not a hobby, not unless you're a sixteen year old spotty boy.

The op is asking for help in dealing with a porn addict, whose behaviour would concern many people. Attacking her isn't probably going to solve the issue at hand.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/02/2017 20:28

bluntness

Spot on

Klaphat · 06/02/2017 20:29

I said IMO, her rape and his being completely unaware of it so not understanding the complexity of her level of upset in regards to his porn watching, is the issue

If I had to tell someone I was raped just to get them to take my problem with their porn use seriously, I wouldn't want to be with them anymore anyway.

Screwinthetuna · 06/02/2017 20:31

I haven't actually seen many people attack her, certainly not myself. Perhaps quite a few agree with me in that the problem with the porn isn't the biggest issue in this scenario, but op's past traumatic sexual events.
Also, how does the op know that he was watching porn when baby was a few hours old? If she was checking his history that evening then again, the problem goes much deeper.

The op's feelings towards porn are made much worse because of her rape, that's obvious. Her husband doesn't know this, he just thinks she doesn't like porn. Again, there is a huge void in communication her.

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 20:31

It shouldn't matter should it Klap ( telling him about the rape) the fact his obsession is hurting his wife and affecting his relationship should be for him to stop.

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