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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my partner not to watch porn ?

240 replies

Mammamia2016 · 06/02/2017 10:46

Hi all,

My partner is seemingly obsessed with porn, any opportunity he gets he will try and watch it. I put a block on the internet, so as he couldn't get onto that he then watched creepy videos on YouTube.
I am getting to the point now where I am completely sick of it, he won't have sex with me for up to a week but will watch porn in between, everytime I have found something I get so upset and every time he says he won't do it again. Now I am just numb to it and wondering wether I need to just call it a day?
We have a little girl who is 6 months, it's got worse after I've had her, I'm almost certain he watched it whilst I was in hospital after a very traumatic birth with our daughter whilst she was just hours old. I feel a lot like it's my fault, he often tells me I'm no fun anymore and we don't really have sex. He doesn't try it tbh and I'm very low in confidence. I was quite badly raped before I got with him , which he doesn't know about, I don't know if that's a factor into why I feel so betrayed and upset with him watching porn or wether it is just a normal reaction.
I am thinking of leaving him, but every time I say anything I am 'being over the top'.
Am I ?
Do I follow my heart and stay with him, or go with my gut and leave him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 11:39

I think going for counselling is a good idea.

You need counselling for the trauma you went through.
You DO NOT need counselling to help you accept your husbands porn habit.

Screwinthetuna · 06/02/2017 11:40

My DH reckons that every man watches porn at least sometimes and if they tell their partners they don't then they are lying. I'm sure there are some exceptions to this but I'm pretty sure most do.

It shouldn't be coming between the two of you though, that's when it becomes a problem. Perhaps it's time to confide in him? Get everything off your chest?

Putting a block on the internet isn't right though. He isn't a child and porn/masturbation isn't illegal. Hope you feel better soon and sorry to hear about your rape, that's horrific and not surprising that it would lead to some issues Flowers

NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somerville · 06/02/2017 11:44

My DH reckons that every man watches porn at least sometimes

And my DH says that men who watch porn say that to their wives to try to excuse their own behaviour.

WaitrosePigeon · 06/02/2017 11:45

Nothing wrong with watching it per say, but if it's causing problems within your relationship, it's time to address it.

BertrandRussell · 06/02/2017 11:46

He's addictive ed to pro, so his partner needs counseling. Right.

OP- stick to your guns. Not all men watch porn. Porn is not harmless. And you are not being unreasonable.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 06/02/2017 11:47

You won't ever win this with a man, I learnt very quick it's easier to let them do it than search through their history going 'OH chicks with big tits, what's that about!'

I think if you're more open to it then the less it'll be a dirty secret.

OK you don't have to agree with it, but men will do it if they're that way inclined.

There was a programme called Sexcetera, my DH watched it and it was quite interesting. I think he liked that I'd watch it with him as it often instigated things. Over a usual routine that can get a little cry if that makes sense, like DH waking up in the mood and annoying me till I'm awake so may as well do it quick before the kids get up. In our defence having been together so long, it's not the same as being in the first year of a relationship.

NotAMamaYet · 06/02/2017 11:48

completely OTT. your OH is a person of his own right and you blocking things on the internet seems absolutely bizarre to me...

WaitrosePigeon · 06/02/2017 11:50

Per se! Fucking phone making me look like a twat!

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 11:52

blocking things on the internet seems absolutely bizarre to me...

Watching stangers have fake sex plus the more out there stuff Hmm while ignoring an intimate relationship with your spouse is absolutely bizzarre to me....

NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

showmeislands · 06/02/2017 11:54

YANBU. He keeps engaging in behaviour that he knows is hurtful to you, he is showing clear disregard for your feelings. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds really tough. Does he knows that it upsets you to the point where you're considering leaving? In your position, I would talk to him about that. He may be immune to you saying it upsets you given that nothing actually happens as a consequence, but if he realises you're genuinely thinking of leaving, perhaps he'll start to show you a little more consideration. If he doesn't, then you may well be better off out of it.

NotAMamaYet · 06/02/2017 11:55

maybe he wouldn't ignore her if she didn't treat him like a child and being completely overbearing..... just sayin'

TheNaze73 · 06/02/2017 11:56

I think your original question is a YABU.

If however, it's impacting on your physical relationship & as to how you see him, he needs to change. Think it depends on how important he see's you, as to whether he will

Original poster
Mammamia2016 · 06/02/2017 12:00

He knows it upsets me, to the point I actually lost it a couple of weeks ago, I'm feeling crazy, wondering if I've got depression but I can't have it's only this that sends me spiralling down. He's also told me I keep a filthy home and need to concentrate more on cleaning and leave my little girl to cry more, which I'm not comfortable. But the next few days he's lovely to me and it's all forgotten, it's really tricky he is lovely in between these things I don't want to portray him as a villain x p.s my home is far from filthy !

OP posts:
tangerino · 06/02/2017 12:01

There seem to be so many issues here- you've been raped, suffered a traumatic birth, your confidence is shot, you're not having sex with your husband, he is unkind to you and is acting in a way that shows complete disregard for your feelings. Whether or not watching porn is normal/acceptable for other men seems a bit of a red herring.

I would suggest that you look into some counselling for yourself and (if you want to give it a go) as a couple. But he doesn't sound like catch of the year, tbh, and he's behaving appallingly.

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 12:03

maybe he wouldn't ignore her if she didn't treat him like a child and being completely overbearing..... just sayin'

What!

He knows it upsets her yet he does it anyway and thats the womens fault.

Christ this thread has set the womens movement back 80 years Sad

scaryclown · 06/02/2017 12:07

I think this is simple. A massive thing has happened in his life and he's avoiding it via porn.

If he gives up, he'll have to think about how deeply he feels re child and relationship and that might be quite unsettling..so back onto porn..

I dint know how, but if he can give up, he'll sleep better, think better, dream better and feel more loving..the questionis, does he want to right now. Does he ever worry about addiction?

NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Juveniledelinquent · 06/02/2017 12:19

My view is that watching a lot of porn changes the way someone thinks about sex. Men and sometimes boys who watch start to think the acts are normal sexual activity and that women are just play things for men.

Generally porn shows young women having anal, being fucked by several men whilst giving blow jobs, etc., none of which constitutes what I consider healthy sex for a loving couple.

Therefore, I think that if a women isn't happy with her man watching lots of porn and he doesn't listen to her, then there is a problem. Go to Relate if you think you want to try and save your relationship.

Sallystyle · 06/02/2017 12:33

My DH reckons that every man watches porn at least sometimes and if they tell their partners they don't then they are lying. I'm sure there are some exceptions to this but I'm pretty sure most do.

Your dh is an idiot then.

Some people can't get turned on my wanking off over women who are being exploited, and often raped and abused.

My husband is one of them. Funnily enough, some men can think with their heads instead of their cocks.

AuntNancy · 06/02/2017 12:33

maybe he wouldn't ignore her if she didn't treat him like a child and being completely overbearing..... just sayin'

this short sentence neatly demonstrates what's so fucking egregious about that dumb phrase 'just sayin'' (as if jauntily dropping the 'g' somehow offsets the conscious offensiveness of what's gone before).

Sallystyle · 06/02/2017 12:34

There is a fantastic thread running in Feminist Chat about porn right now. Some people should read it.

Sallystyle · 06/02/2017 12:37

Christ this thread has set the womens movement back 80 years

Oh they always do.

Women know your place! Shut the fuck up about your hurt and wishes. How dare you get in the way of your man and his masturbation over porn! You don't want to be controlling. Suck it up and let your man get on with it.