To expect my partner not to watch porn ?

[Mammamia2016]

Hi all,

My partner is seemingly obsessed with porn, any opportunity he gets he will try and watch it. I put a block on the internet, so as he couldn't get onto that he then watched creepy videos on YouTube.
I am getting to the point now where I am completely sick of it, he won't have sex with me for up to a week but will watch porn in between, everytime I have found something I get so upset and every time he says he won't do it again. Now I am just numb to it and wondering wether I need to just call it a day?
We have a little girl who is 6 months, it's got worse after I've had her, I'm almost certain he watched it whilst I was in hospital after a very traumatic birth with our daughter whilst she was just hours old. I feel a lot like it's my fault, he often tells me I'm no fun anymore and we don't really have sex. He doesn't try it tbh and I'm very low in confidence. I was quite badly raped before I got with him , which he doesn't know about, I don't know if that's a factor into why I feel so betrayed and upset with him watching porn or wether it is just a normal reaction.
I am thinking of leaving him, but every time I say anything I am 'being over the top'.
Am I ?
Do I follow my heart and stay with him, or go with my gut and leave him?

Thanks in advance

Implied consent is where the people appear happy and willing.

Let's never consider the question of what might happen were they to fail to give this impression.

Klaphat, what level of consent is acceptable then?

I'm actually anti porn as I said upthread, but that's not because I think there's anything wrong with being turned on by watching other people have sex. My problem is the way abuse is inherent in the porn industry. If someone can assuredly state they are watching the 10% that is good, I don't see a problem. The issue is how can they know that? I'm not saying it can't be verified - there's quite a lot out there on ethical porn and how to source it - but let's face it; most people don't question it that much.

Some types of Porn has the clear or implied consent. That is to say that the people having sex have verified their consent on the site or in the video. Implied consent is where the people appear happy and willing.

Seriously? You really believe what you have just written?

If 90% of Porn is bad and 10% good, and I chose to watch the 10% that is good, what's the issue?

How do you know your porn is good? Because the porn star looks happy? I think maybe we have crossed wires here. I'm not talking about what happens in the porn movie, but what happens in the background.

God almighty. So basically the OP has had a traumatic birth, a six month old, and her partner is spending all his time wanking to porn at "any opportunity", doesn't want to have sex with her as much as she'd like, and complains that she isn't keeping the house nice enough for him/ignoring the baby enough/"fun". But somehow according to some posters she's the villain because she tried to restrict his obsessive porn consumption? Presumably she should also be making herself more desirable for his needs, clean the house more, sedate the baby, and perhaps greet her lord and master at the door with a fresh ribbon in her hair and a Martini?

U2, if you and your partner made a sex tape, where you clearly consented to both the content of the video and it being shared, what is the problem? There are also studios that go to great lengths to demonstrate the consent of the people involved. Again, I'm not saying all porn is lie that, most are not, but there are places online to view consenting material. What's the problem with that?

Navy, I am talking about porn where the people involved demonstrate consent to both the act of having sex on camera and it being shared online. Is it really so hard to accept that some people do consent to being in porn and that's ok.

The porn machine that degrades and exploits people is bad, obviously, and should be avoided. But to throw the baby out with the bath water is silly.

A lot of people do watch yes but you don't like it and that's fine.
I think he tells you he wn't do it because it's want you want to hear/avoid a fight.
You're entitled to not be happy with it.
Is this a big enough thing to end your relationship over?
He may have a problem with it, he may not.
It sounds like he's not that nice to you in other areas though either?
I would look into counselling, you went through an horrific experience.

Can we not state that people who watch or partners watch it don't respect their wives/gfs?
Or call them 'call wives' it's bloody condescending just because other people have different views, so far people have been rather respectful.

None of this is your fault. You have made your feelings clear and he doesn't respect them. You shouldn't have to worry about this.
it's affecting your relationship so he shouldn't be watching it at all.

If this is his hobby, frankly you deserve better. It doesn't matter if women have low self esteem or issues and opinions about porn - you are either ok with it or your not and its absolutely fine to not be ok with it.
Put your foot down and leave. You deserve better and you don't need your confidence knocked even more than it is already.

"Some types of Porn has the clear or implied consent. That is to say that the people having sex have verified their consent on the site or in the video. Implied consent is where the people appear happy and willing."

Out of interest, how do find these sites and how much do you pay for them?

U2, if you and your partner made a sex tape, where you clearly consented to both the content of the video and it being shared, what is the problem? There are also studios that go to great lengths to demonstrate the consent of the people involved. Again, I'm not saying all porn is lie that, most are not, but there are places online to view consenting material. What's the problem with that?

If you are 100% sure the porn you are watching is consensual and no one has been coerced and abuse isn't happening behind the scenes then there isn't a problem. I'm just not as confident as you are that you can know with 100% accuracy.

Although I still don't get the excitement about watching other people fucking.

Actually I lied.

I still think it's a problem actually.

It all goes back to treating women like commodities and the demand for porn is so high it's freely accessible for young teens to come across, and the whole thing is getting out of hand.

That's another debate though.

I would leave a dp who couldn't care less what I wanted or what my feelings were, regardless of what that was.

Yes, you're right. Debating porn isn't actually helping the OP. Apologies OP for the derail.

Apologies for derailing the thread. Happy to discuss the topic elsewhere.

My point early was about the type of Porn the OP's husband is watching and if perhaps there's some acceptance of some types of stuff over other types. The less extreme stuff for example.

My partner watches porn and am ok with it - in the same way that I read erotic fiction online/in book form when I'm by myself. Our sex life is good (long may this last!) and we're both happy with it.

In itself, I don't think watching porn is bad for a relationship. However, if it seems to take priority over sex with the other person, or negatively affects your relationship then I think that's different. That is what seems to be happening here.

I also think that he should be listening and dealing constructively with your concerns. Have you considered telling him about the rape? Not in a "let me guilt trip you into stopping this" kind of way but to help him understand where you're coming from (if you think this is related?)?

bert and the stoic *
That's where you're wrong. He's a great guy, just completely honest about porn (and what the other men talk about in work) as I couldn't give a shit. He barely watches it anymore as he's on medication that basically prevents erections most of the time.

I bet your husbands watch it and you just have no idea or do a desperate American Beauty style wank in the shower

My sex drive is quite low, whereas if it was up to DH we would be at it every day. He never pressures me into it or make any comment even after weeks.
I know he watches porn and masturbates on occasions, we don't talk about it but he knows I know.
I don't see anything wrong with it.
It is not that I feel "guilty" about not wanting to be intimate as often as he would like, it is just that I understand that he has sexual needs that I don't fulfill so I can't see why I would prevent him from fulfilling them himself.

Together 12y, married for 9

Good point Gah81 , as long as the porn watching doesn't impact the couple's sex life / relationship it is fine. I agree.

But this is impacting negatively on the OP so post like my dh watches it and i dont mind are a bit pointless.