Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my partner not to watch porn ?

240 replies

Mammamia2016 · 06/02/2017 10:46

Hi all,

My partner is seemingly obsessed with porn, any opportunity he gets he will try and watch it. I put a block on the internet, so as he couldn't get onto that he then watched creepy videos on YouTube.
I am getting to the point now where I am completely sick of it, he won't have sex with me for up to a week but will watch porn in between, everytime I have found something I get so upset and every time he says he won't do it again. Now I am just numb to it and wondering wether I need to just call it a day?
We have a little girl who is 6 months, it's got worse after I've had her, I'm almost certain he watched it whilst I was in hospital after a very traumatic birth with our daughter whilst she was just hours old. I feel a lot like it's my fault, he often tells me I'm no fun anymore and we don't really have sex. He doesn't try it tbh and I'm very low in confidence. I was quite badly raped before I got with him , which he doesn't know about, I don't know if that's a factor into why I feel so betrayed and upset with him watching porn or wether it is just a normal reaction.
I am thinking of leaving him, but every time I say anything I am 'being over the top'.
Am I ?
Do I follow my heart and stay with him, or go with my gut and leave him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
BeyondUnderthinking · 06/02/2017 19:02

Hobby?! Shock

Dahlietta · 06/02/2017 19:03

Hobby?!

It would be funny if it weren't so depressing!

rale124 · 06/02/2017 19:04

Is OP serious? You put a blocker on your husbands internet usage?

That is crazy controlling, you have no right to restrict your partners access to information and data of any kind. I'd be absolutely livid if my OH did that to me and I think if it was a man doing that to a women posters would be far more critical of such controlling and dominating behaviour.

Feel free to disagree with his views and use of pornography but the only power you have is to end the relationship if you disagree that much.

Bear in mind as well peer reviewed objective research has consistently found that viewing pornography isn't inherently unhealthy or dangerous. It is a past time that has existed in society since the ancient civilisations and much of the criticism of it in modern society comes from ideologically biased feminist political theory.

Klaphat · 06/02/2017 19:09

Can we start making decoy threads to keep the ever so helpful MRAs off of genuine threads?

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:10

Ha ha funniest post ever right their rale

You missed out the bit where the OP needs to get over her rape, have better self esteem ( yes yes he puts her down and prefers porn to sex with her but she needs to suck it up) make sure she is available for him at all times, immediately recover from her traumatic birth 6 months ago and damn well clean the house.

I really can't have respect for anyone who posts such crap.

Original poster
Mammamia2016 · 06/02/2017 19:10

And that's why it's affecting my relationship to the point I think I should leave him ? And for the record the internet block wasn't my best move but I'm at the end of me teather! As I said I always thought I would be ok with anyone watching porn but I'm not. If something upsets another person to the point of actual distress then it should be thought of as an issue, not just brushed under the carpet.
Again, thank you to the kind and helpful comments to the people who have chosen not to attack an already broken woman

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:11

Quick AS on Barin and it turns out they are a 1 post wonder. On many threads but only ever posts once.

Original poster
Mammamia2016 · 06/02/2017 19:13

RacoonBandit thank you for your comments and sticking up for me to people who have no clue what's going on, it really does mean a lot that there are strangers out there that won't judge and say it how it is x

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 06/02/2017 19:13

Bear in mind as well peer reviewed objective research has consistently found that viewing pornography isn't inherently unhealthy or dangerous. It is a past time that has existed in society since the ancient civilisations and much of the criticism of it in modern society comes from ideologically biased feminist political theory.

I despair.

I kind of want to put my head under my duvet and cry.

And then we have hobby? Bloody hobby?

birdbandit · 06/02/2017 19:13

Agree about the MRAs why is this their new hobby, doesn't their old one do it for them anymore? Or is the thought of women thinking putting them off their strokes?

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:14

It looks like rale124 posts in a very similar way unless by AS is broken Confused

OP please don't apologise for blocking the internet. You felt like you had no choice and I can see it was an attempt to save your relationship.

BeMorePanda · 06/02/2017 19:14

YA absolutely NBU.
You don't have to simply suck it up.
To say all men watch it regularly is a massive myth.

Follow your gut op.

Screwinthetuna · 06/02/2017 19:19

Op, is there a reason why you don't want to/don't feel able to discuss your rape with your partner? If he knew this, and if you perhaps connected the rape with your hating of porn, perhaps he would feel different?
I know you won't see it, but those women aren't 'real' and he probably doesn't actually want any of them. He's probably wanting the quick release that porn gives him and uses it as an escape (plus sounds like he has a very high labido). Perhaps your traumatic birth has made him less want to have sex with you?
IMO, you have a lot to discuss and need to open up to each other. You have just had a baby and (I repeat, I haven't read your other posts so don't know if he abuses you or does other horrible things) if porn is the only issue here, separating when you have just had a baby because of porn seems dramatic.

I'm much more concerned why you haven't told him about your rape, to be honest.

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:24

Why should a women trust a man who puts her down and chooses porn over her with her most raw secret?

Telling somebody you have been raped is traumatic and you have to trust that the person you are telling will not use it against you or judge you. The OP clearly does not trust her DH emotionally to tell him yet this is her fault Hmm

Oh and yes the traumatic birth has affected HIM! I suppose OP is to blame for that too Hmm

Somerville · 06/02/2017 19:28

Blocking 'adult' content through ones server is bloody sensible, OP. It is done in many, many homes. Because children access the internet, as much as anything else. And even if I didn't have children I would still put this block on, frankly, as I don't want a visitor who stays over watching porn in my house. I have blocked the adult channels on my TV and PiN protected 18-rated programming on my TV and on demand services too. I don't care if an MRA thinks that is 'crazy controlling' - my house, my rules.

And the poster who thinks that the people having sex in porn films aren't real people - here, this is for you. Biscuit

kali110 · 06/02/2017 19:29

Although i don't agree with the internet block op, it's obvious how upset you are and how desperate you must have been.
Has he seen how upset you are over this? rather than just mad over it?
Is there a reason why you've never told him What happened?
Maybe he would be able to understand why you can't accept porn in your relationship?

Can someone please explain what a mra is?Confused

Quartz2208 · 06/02/2017 19:29

This isn't about whether you shouldwatchporn or not or whether you approve in the first place. This is about a man whose addiction is effecting his relationship and the way he interacts with others, it's comparing s man who goes out to the pub once a week for a beer to an alcoholic.

He clearly watches so much it has effected their relationship. As with any addiction the partner has the right to say get it under control or I will leave

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:30

Did you not know. They are not real people Somer they are robots clearly Wink

rale124 · 06/02/2017 19:30

Christ some of you need to get over yourselves. 'Someone disagreed with me? How dare they, they must be them big bad MRAs I've heard around, get them girls!'.

Stop inventing boogeyman to slander anyone who disagrees with your bad behaviour justifying attitudes.

And it wasn't just 'not your finest moment', it was domineering and controlling. Just because your partner does something (which is completely legal btw) does not give you the right to forcibly censor their information & media sources. You obviously don't appreciate how bad that is or you wouldn't be making excuses for it and pointing to your personal circumstances to do so. If the genders were reversed the exact same behaviour would create a lynch mob on here. While I empathise with your situation that does not mean your OH has to put up with such behaviour.

And as for the rest of these comments, it sounds like they come from the same sort idiots who thought D&D card games caused sin back in the 80s, or that Grand Theft Auto caused school shootings in the early 2000s. Google moral hysteria and you might find a picture of yourself there.

Grow up, next you will want to be smashing Ancient Greek jars because they portray a goddess strumming herself off next.

You're completely able to talk to your OH OP and express your opinions. If he disagrees then your left with the options of concede or leave and vice versa for him. That is the facts of the situation.

Screwinthetuna · 06/02/2017 19:30

They're ACTORS somerville, not the lady from the corner shop or your sister in law. Thanks for the biscuit though, is that real too?

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:31

Men's Right Activists

kali110 · 06/02/2017 19:32

racoon thankyou!

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 19:33

No probs Kali best way to deal with them is not to feed them. They slope of when ignored a bit like slugs.

Klaphat · 06/02/2017 19:36

Have you noticed that a few of them seem to have a similar sense of self-importance and tenuous grasp on grammar? I can virtually guess the past usernames at this point.

Screwinthetuna · 06/02/2017 19:38

To the poster above who shot me down for thinking a man might be u comfortable having sex with his partner after watching her have a traumatic birth, why is that such an impossibility?
Plenty of men are actually traumatised by it too. They've seen someone they love in so much pain and their vagina look like something out of a horror film and yet it's inexplicable to think that he might not want to go pouding his penis into it...
This could be completely off the mark, I don't know the man or Op for that matter but don't just shoot it down. He could just as well have issues too. Not discussing them, burying awful secrets and blocking internet access isn't exactly a great partnership, on both sides