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Original poster

To expect my partner not to watch porn ?

240 replies

Mammamia2016 · 06/02/2017 10:46

Hi all,

My partner is seemingly obsessed with porn, any opportunity he gets he will try and watch it. I put a block on the internet, so as he couldn't get onto that he then watched creepy videos on YouTube.
I am getting to the point now where I am completely sick of it, he won't have sex with me for up to a week but will watch porn in between, everytime I have found something I get so upset and every time he says he won't do it again. Now I am just numb to it and wondering wether I need to just call it a day?
We have a little girl who is 6 months, it's got worse after I've had her, I'm almost certain he watched it whilst I was in hospital after a very traumatic birth with our daughter whilst she was just hours old. I feel a lot like it's my fault, he often tells me I'm no fun anymore and we don't really have sex. He doesn't try it tbh and I'm very low in confidence. I was quite badly raped before I got with him , which he doesn't know about, I don't know if that's a factor into why I feel so betrayed and upset with him watching porn or wether it is just a normal reaction.
I am thinking of leaving him, but every time I say anything I am 'being over the top'.
Am I ?
Do I follow my heart and stay with him, or go with my gut and leave him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Notapodling · 06/02/2017 13:57

I watch porn and would have no issue with a partner who watched porn, however the OP has said he does it every chance he gets and will do so to the exclusion of sex with the OP. That indicates he has a problem with it rather than just the occasional wank. Add to his comments about her keeping a filthy house (I'm sure he can figure out where the vacuum cleaner is kept) and letting a 6mo cry indicates that this is one of deeper rooted issues. OP, if you really want to stay in this relationship, counselling for both of you might be a good idea. If you don't, remember that not wanting to be in a relationship is good enough reason to end it. You don't have to keep giving him another chance if you don't want to.

TheStoic · 06/02/2017 13:58

Are you ok, BorrowedHeart? Your posts don't make any sense.

Foxysoxy01 · 06/02/2017 13:59

It's all about respecting other people's boundaries though isn't it?

OP you don't feel comfortable with your partner watching porn. That is fair enough and you can either compromise to what you find an acceptable level I.e watching porn when he is alone in house as long as it doesn't affect your sex life/not watching porn but maybe reading it etc etc.

Or you can say that it is completely unacceptable for you in which case it is then up to your partner if he is happy to accept that and not watch porn again or if it is a deal breaker for him.

It is unreasonable of you to block the internet etc he is an adult and can watch porn if he so wishes you can't force him to do what you want or to behave how you want. You might think it is completely unreasonable, sexist and objectifies women to watch porn and obviously you can explain this to him but ultimately you cannot force him to see your point or even care. It then comes down to is it a deal breaker for you if he won't change (which he is clearly not going to do)

So really it sounds like neither of you are going to compromise and neither of you are happy to back down so if that's the case you both need to move on from each other.

Foxysoxy01 · 06/02/2017 14:01

Just to add, the comments later on that he made to you about the housework and how he acts with DD are another issue and one I would be LTB for!

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 06/02/2017 14:02

What on earth has given that impression, BorrowedHeart ? Confused

Sallystyle · 06/02/2017 14:07

I've been raped, my partner finds me sexually attractive. Does that make him bad? I did not know, id better alert him right away that he is treating me like shit... what a weird thing to say.

Hmm Hmm

If that is in response to my comment I'm saddened and a bit offended you twisted it that way.

TedEriksen · 06/02/2017 14:15

I have never understood how someone doesn't have sex due to depression and having demanding children but has the time and drive for porn a couple of times a week.

You don't understand depression, then. Porn does not demand (and arguably is antithetical to) intimacy, and the capacity for intimacy is often completely destroyed by depression.

Dahlietta · 06/02/2017 14:17

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with watching people have sex

I actually do think it's a bit of a weird thing to do...

SingingInTheRainstorm · 06/02/2017 14:19

I think there's lots of things going on and you do need to address them, firstly by yourself through counselling and possibly medication, then when you feel stronger if things last couples counselling.
I know what I said, men and porn is just an ordinary thing for most people. I don't like it, I don't like it for many reasons, but that's my issue. Just as its triggering to you that's your issue.
I found after being sexually attacked I don't have any sort of sex drive at all. I don't know if this is similar with you, whether you feel apprehensive etc because of what you've been through.
I think if a guy got it 3 times a day, he'd still look at porn. I don't try to understand the psychology behind it, but in a way it's a bit like a fantasy.
I think from what you've said he is gas lighting you, like on the house cleaning etc. But there's an underlying reason possibly depression or PTSD that leaves you unmotivated. A hard thing in relationships is living up to the other persons expectations, not just sexually but also with cleanliness, parenting all sorts.
You need to think about how much you have in common, then how much you don't have in common. How long you've been together, if this man is Mr Right and your soul mate. I certainly wouldn't settle with someone where there's many differences, as it's unlikely you'll be able to compromise on everything, when it comes to arguments people who gas light, pick on your vulnerable points.
In the relationships section there's a good post about different kinds of domestic abuse. You can actually read the whole book online, you might find it useful for this relationship and any past relationships.
It could be down to frustration that he's starting to gas light, so for example, you're picking on me for this, so I'm going to pick on that. All very petty indeed.
I would say unblock the porn, at least give him some leeway on that. Speak to your GP about how you access counselling in your area, describe to your GP how you feel. Hopefully he can get you on the right path.
When I was waiting for counselling I was given a load of stuff on PTSD that included homework, it was useful as it keeps you occupied in the short term. I also mentioned the book about domestic abuse, give that a read and see if you recognise any traits in your current partner. If you do, for your sanity you need to speak to appropriate support sites and find a way of dealing with it. There's woman's aid, there's usually local services too.
I hope this helps, I do understand to a degree where you are coming from. Most porn, there's nothing in it. To me sex is something that should be a bonding experience between two people. That definitely isn't what they aim for in movies online.
We can all have our beliefs, I think this is likely one of many issues you have. The only way to find your way out of the mist is to take steps forward to getting better.
I hope this made sense and has been of help.

Sallystyle · 06/02/2017 14:24

You don't understand depression, then.

Oh, how I wish that was true.

Sallystyle · 06/02/2017 14:27

I didn't finish my sentence. I do understand depression all too well. I have never watched porn but yeah, the fact that it isn't demanding does make sense.

Jenbob13 · 06/02/2017 14:36

You need to get the fuck out of dodge. Less so because of the porn but more because he throws comments around like "you keep a filthy home" and "let DD cry longer".
I would be less inclined to put up with this than watching porn.
He sounds manipulative and selfish OP and nobody has the right to hurt your feelings or make you feel like shit.
Porn is a matter of opinion, like marmite you either like it or you don't. The point is he knows it hurts you but continues to do it anyway.
People only treat you how you let them.

MrsDustyBusty · 06/02/2017 14:49

The next time he raises issues about the state of the house, tell him to get his hands out of his pants and do something about it.

Thephoneywar · 06/02/2017 14:50

"I think getting off on people, many who have been abused, raped and are often very vulnerable is inherently wrong.

You never know what you are watching do you?"

That was the distinction I was clearly making U2 and why I was asking what kind of Porn the OPs partner watches. I and my partner like to watch porn where consent is clearly stated or implied. What's wrong with that?

NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 06/02/2017 14:55

" I and my partner like to watch porn where consent is clearly stated or implied. What's wrong with that?"

Well, unless you make it yourself, you can have no idea.

EmeraldScorn · 06/02/2017 14:59

If his interest in porn is having a detrimental impact on your relationship then that is a problem and you are not being unreasonable but in a general sense I don't personally care if my boyfriend watches it.

Anything that causes a problem in a relationship obviously needs to be addressed regardless of the rights or wrongs of it, whether it's gambling, drinking, or excessive porn viewing etc.

Speak to him properly before you make any decisions!

Sallystyle · 06/02/2017 15:01

That was the distinction I was clearly making U2 and why I was asking what kind of Porn the OPs partner watches. I and my partner like to watch porn where consent is clearly stated or implied. What's wrong with that?

Well, quite a lot. What do you mean the consent is clearly stated or implied?

I'm not talking about ' fantasy rape porn' but women who are actually raped behind the scenes. So I'm not sure how you know anyone has consented.

NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 06/02/2017 15:09

I think they do, Navy. They probably also thing that prostitutes are prostitutes because they love sex and it's an easy way to pay for their PhDs.

There is a mumsnetter who sincerely appears to believe that porn is a valuable and genuine means of expressing female sexuality.

MrsDustyBusty · 06/02/2017 15:14

Maybe they think there's a special caste of bad women who do this kind of thing so that the poor husbands can get their interest in unsavoury things out of the way and just trouble their wives for baby dancing.

NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thephoneywar · 06/02/2017 15:22

What I object to is the sweeping generalisation that all porn is inherently wrong. Of course the porn industry can and does to harm to both the people involved and those that view it.

Some types of Porn has the clear or implied consent. That is to say that the people having sex have verified their consent on the site or in the video. Implied consent is where the people appear happy and willing.

If 90% of Porn is bad and 10% good, and I chose to watch the 10% that is good, what's the issue?

Juveniledelinquent · 06/02/2017 15:22

The only type of sex I enjoy watching is a soppy film or TV show where a couple kiss, are in love and you get the drift as to what happens next.

Klaphat · 06/02/2017 15:23

Some types of Porn has the clear or implied consent. That is to say that the people having sex have verified their consent on the site or in the video. Implied consent is where the people appear happy and willing.

Well if they said it in the video then it must be true.