To expect my partner not to watch porn ?

[Mammamia2016]

Hi all,

My partner is seemingly obsessed with porn, any opportunity he gets he will try and watch it. I put a block on the internet, so as he couldn't get onto that he then watched creepy videos on YouTube.
I am getting to the point now where I am completely sick of it, he won't have sex with me for up to a week but will watch porn in between, everytime I have found something I get so upset and every time he says he won't do it again. Now I am just numb to it and wondering wether I need to just call it a day?
We have a little girl who is 6 months, it's got worse after I've had her, I'm almost certain he watched it whilst I was in hospital after a very traumatic birth with our daughter whilst she was just hours old. I feel a lot like it's my fault, he often tells me I'm no fun anymore and we don't really have sex. He doesn't try it tbh and I'm very low in confidence. I was quite badly raped before I got with him , which he doesn't know about, I don't know if that's a factor into why I feel so betrayed and upset with him watching porn or wether it is just a normal reaction.
I am thinking of leaving him, but every time I say anything I am 'being over the top'.
Am I ?
Do I follow my heart and stay with him, or go with my gut and leave him?

Thanks in advance

My DH reckons that every man watches porn at least sometimes and if they tell their partners they don't then they are lying.

Classic statement of a porn-hound to his wife.

"My DH reckons that every man watches porn at least sometimes and if they tell their partners they don't then they are lying."

Your dh, for example, is a dick.

I don't like porn either and if he continues to watch it knowing you are upset - an issue .
I thknk communication between you is paramount to reach a place , if you can find it , were both are happy .
If he knew about your poss additional layer of feelings due to yr history of abuse then he may feel differently ? I have a similar history so I get you ( akthouth I'm also happy about porn anyway and lots of women are likewise )

Funny, pretty much every thread on here about a cheating DH/DP starts with, "he has always watched a lot of porn but I am totally cool with that because porn is totally fine".

These guys don't respect women. They don't respect their partners or the women in the films/web cams etc.

If your partner can't stop watching other women having sex then your relationship is over.

Generally porn shows young women having anal, being fucked by several men whilst giving blow jobs, etc., none of which constitutes what I consider healthy sex for a loving couple.

Are women not allowed to enjoy those things?

Ahh, so man does something woman doesn't like and has to stop, what about if woman stops treating man like a child and let him enjoy it he wouldn't have to sneak about on it or find any minute through the day he can watch it and thins will be fine. OP if it genuinely bothers you then it will and no one can change that, if you think leaving him is for the best then you have that right. However I disagree that porn is wrong, I myself (a woman) watch it a few times a week, have done since before I met my partner and will continue to, he knows this and it doesn't bother him, we also don't have sex that often anymore due to children and my depression etc (child with extra care needs, nearly died multiple times, lot of stress) I just don't understand why people are hating on him because he watches porn? I tend to like the more out there stuff myself, I don't think it makes me a bad person.

Generally porn shows young women having anal, being fucked by several men whilst giving blow jobs, etc., none of which constitutes what I consider healthy sex for a loving couple.

Fuck, me and my partner must not be a loving couple.. I've done some of those thins, and have enjoyed watching porn involving all of those things.

That's awesome, BorrowedHeart.

Tell us more about you enjoying porn, and what that has to do with the OP not enjoying porn.

If you read my post, you will understand. If you can't do that ask again and I will break it down for you. Ok?

He's also told me I keep a filthy home and need to concentrate more on cleaning and leave my little girl to cry more
then he's 'lovely' in between.

Your little girl? You need to clean?
I think this is going to take more than just you going to counselling alone.

If you read my post, you will understand. If you can't do that ask again and I will break it down for you. Ok?

Ooh yes, break it down for me. I want to hear ALL about it. In detail.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to watch porn, however when it starts affecting real life relationships then there is a problem.
You need to talk to your dh, and he needs to cut down and show you more affection. If he doesn't then he really doesn't have a lot of respect for you.
Please also seek counselling regarding your rape

I agree with above about getting counselling for the rape, I've learnt the hard way not to keep things bottled up. Waiting on an appoint myself for that reason.

You cannot compare watching porn to something like mumsnetting. That's just deliberately obtuse IMO.

You don't have to spend very much time online to find out the horrific issues involved in porn. The overwhelming majority of women in porn have been raped or abused. Of course there are some who are happy with their choices, but it's a deliberate form of self-delusion to pretend they represent the norm and I somehow doubt that the majority of porn lovers have taken steps to ensure they are only watching home porn or ethically sourced porn.

Personally, I find it hard to respect someone who thinks that women being abused and exploited on a routine basis is worth their having material to wank to.

All that said, it's legal, just as sweatshop workhouses are for clothing, and battery hens for eggs. We all make our own choices about things.

For me it would be deal breaker. As it would for plenty of women. You don't have to justify not liking it OP any more than he has to justify wanting to watch it. You have opposing viewpoints and they will not match, meaning one of you has to lose self respect in order to accommodate the other. Personally, I'd rather just leave. It will cause the least pain.

Borrowed does the fact you dont have sex anymore due to children/depression/stress but you instead watch porn a few times a week not concern you?

I would not say yours was a healthy relationship at all.

Oh and of course it geuinely bothers the OP she has said so and the husbands values his porn addiction more than he does his wife.

Do you know what kind of Porn he watches? I watch porn alone and with dh sometimes and we have particular tastes and likes and dislikes. Porn is a pretty wide term that covers anything sexually explicit. Lots of it seems degrading and aggressive and we avoid that stuff. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with watching people have sex and some of it is actually really hot and enjoyable.
If it is a red line for you that is your choice. Perhaps having freedom to watch porn is one of his red lines.
I wouldn't want to be with a man that stopped me from watching porn occasionally.

I have never understood how someone doesn't have sex due to depression and having demanding children but has the time and drive for porn a couple of times a week.

Perhaps the porn is half the problem.

Nor me U2

Generally porn shows young women having anal, being fucked by several men whilst giving blow jobs, etc., none of which constitutes what I consider healthy sex for a loving couple.

Are women not allowed to enjoy those things?

Yes if that's your bag. What I was getting at though is the degradation of young women that porn portrays. Sorry if I didn't make it that clear.

No, because I don't anymore. There's a personal reason I watch it. No way near as often now, once in a blue moon really. Too much stress and just no time lol

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with watching people have sex and some of it is actually really hot and enjoyable.

I think getting off on people, many who have been abused, raped and are often very vulnerable is inherently wrong.

You never know what you are watching do you? You don't know the stories behind how those people got into porn and how they are being treated on set. Personally, I find that a turn off. Nothing hot about exploited women having sex with men and pretending they enjoy it (maybe the odd person genuinely enjoys it) It is easy to pretend to yourself that porn stars love their jobs and they are all consenting adults and the industry isn't rife with abuse. As long as you get your orgasm.

Well, quite U2.

Regardless of my personal views and feelings around porn etc, OP, the issue here is that your DP knows precisely how you feel but doesn't feel he needs or wants to change his behaviour. Behaviour which you don't feel you can live with, clearly. Not only that but he doesn't respect your feelings at all, downplaying them as OTT.
Your gut is very rarely wrong imo.

Well said u 2

I've been raped, my partner finds me sexually attractive. Does that make him bad? I did not know, id better alert him right away that he is treating me like shit... what a weird thing to say.