To expect the teacher to support an upset child fully and not walk off!

[OopsDearyMe]

My DD1 has aspergers, I know that. I am fighting to get a piece of paper that also says that.
My daughter has had no real problems going to school for months, but never likes going. She starts to get upset the night before and I relialise I probably could have handled this better, I told her last night that she might be able to stay off school today, I did it because she was so upset and anxious, she barely sleeps 6 hrsa night as it is and so she would sleep, I lied (and hate myself) I told her that she would still need to get up and dressed for school and come with me.
Then at school, I asked how she felt about going in, she began to get very upset, her teacher came passed and at first went to walk straight passed us. But I called out to her and explained , her response was a half hearted , oh well we have Computing today so you'll enjoy that won't you? Then walked off!!!
Leaving me with DS who still needed dropping at his school, and a crying DD who is gripping my arm and pleading with her eyes to take her home. The only thing I could do was leave and take DS. None of her peers approached her and her only two friends were not there.

I am so upset, both at myself!!!

But could the teacher have no taken 5 minutes , her manner was so not child friendly either, so pissed off.

Userone1: Yep, and if the assessment does not reveal a need, there is only opinion. Formal support won't be given on that basis, however genuine the mother's concern.

DS1 has Aspergers, he is 19 now and was not formally diagnosed until the age of 14. Sometimes it does take a long time. In our case, it was being passed around from one 'service' to another. He was given a statement at age 5 though - after assessment by an Ed Psych. IME, a statement was more key to accessing support in school than the actual diagnosis.

Do you know why DD doesn't have a statement? Is it purely because her SENCO doesn't believe she has SEN of any sort? Did she have a statement/extra support at her previous school?

You absolutely do have my sympathy OP - I remember the daily struggle to get DS1 into school & then DS2 off to his school (different schools as DS1 moved to a special primary school at 6 and then back to a mainstream secondary at 11).

However, I did learn pretty early on that;

a) lying to DS1, even a little white lie that seems harmless, would make matters worse. Even now as an adult, we still have to tell him the absolute 100% truth about every situation or he will worry & panic more than if we just said "don't worry, it's nothing" etc. etc.

b) don't ever say "we'll see" if there is a chance you might mean "no". DS2 & DD have always understood that "we'll see" means "maybe, maybe not". DS1 doesn't. It means "yes" to him. Always has, probably always will.

c) as my child, DS1's welfare was my responsibility. When he was in mainstream school, had he had a meltdown about going in to class and failed to calm down sufficiently, I would have been bringing him home with me. Yes it was a pain in the arse at times - in fact my career ended because of it as it left me completely unable to hold down a job for a few years. Yes, DS2 was often late for school. Fortunately, DS2's school were incredibly understanding and it was only during YR, as DS1 was at his special school by Y1 and had an arrangement to go in after DS2's drop off & be collected 10 minutes earlier.

Basically OP, having a DC with SN isn't always fun and mainstream schools will be able to do very little to support a child without funding for extra TA support. When DS1 went back into mainstream at 11, he did so with 1-to-1 TA support. It was his TA that spent 20 minutes coaxing him into lessons if needed - no class teacher has the time to do that.

I'm sorry, schools are so stretched. It does feel like you're always having to play the system to get anywhere.

Making promises you don't keep to a child with suspected ASD, just don't do that. As someone else said best to avoid making promises or even reveal plans at all if at a avoidable.

Indeed Awww parents choose to send their child to school.

I still think the OP was expecting too much. I have a child with ASD and it's very stressful I know.

Gin "Awww, there is no diagnosis. The teacher does not need to be aware of the mother's diagnosis. If that were the case, virtually every child in the country would have some sort of SEN, with the only evidence being the parent's opinion"

I was refering to your above comment. Lots of children have difficulties long before a diagnosis or even never get a diagnosis. Or some children just have difficulties without having any disorder.

Teachers should be aware of what parents concerns are and if they suspect a diagnosis is needed.

Even if op's dd has been assessed and not given a diagnosis. It doesn't change the fact she has whatever difficulties she has.

It doesn't need to be 'formal' support.

Year 6 onwards can be very intense and scary for girls with ASD. It's a time when a LOT of traits can suddenly come flooding out all at once. This was certainly the case with my DD.

You need to find a better way to deal with things. Aspies often don't deal in shades of gray so "we will see about school" would translate to my DD as "mum told me not to worry so I won't have to go".

I work with postives like "I know it sucks but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to", "I'm very proud of you for going even though I know it's hard for you." etc. I also make sure I take an interest in her school day and praise all her achievements. If she has a rough week we organise something nice for after school/weekend. We do this for all the kids but she needs more praise and gearing up to do certain things.

You also need to speak to the school about your concerns if you think she has ASD. If she needs referral for assessment then school in my case was a big part of this. The GP tried to refer us and it got kicked back. When the school got involved (both them and us sent a big form in detailing our concerns and a covering letter) within 6 weeks we were placed on waiting lists for assessments.

Year 6 is very intense and it could easily be a very bumpy ride. Push for support and head over the special needs section if you need help dealing with things.

Trifle again what assessments are you referring to?

An assessment for ASD?

Userone1: Again, I refer you to my previous reply. I don't know whether the little girl has been assessed but IF she has been and IF there is no evidence of SN, the school will probably not commit to extensive support. They may implement some strategies to help, but they won't behave as though she has a diagnosis of need.

When I was 4, I was crying because I didn't want to go to school. My mum lied to me and saidf I would just go with her to the shops. Then she pushed me into the school bus. I still remember.

In fact, I remember every time she told me a lie in order to get me to do something and then did not do what they promised.

It just happened a few times, but it affected my relationship with my mum to the point that I have never trusted her.

I have ASD, I hate lies. Please do not lie to your daughter, and apologise to her for doing it this time. otherwise she may never forgive you.

You really need to be getting some kind of joined up hand over in place.

My dd always found drop off tough and became increasingly anxious and a school refuser in yr1. I worked with the school and the teacher. We met and devised a strategy. Most days dd got to school on time. Some days I dropped off late. She occasionally took the morning off.

Blaming the teacher isn't going to remedy the situation. As the parent, only you can sort this out.

Think you need to post this on SN Chat to get other parents' perspective who have children in a similar situation.

I have the same issues with my DS but if I told him he didn't have to go in, he would hold me to it the next day. However, I totally understand why you said it because when your child is having a meltdown and screaming, singing, shouting, punching etc, you'd say anything.

I don't understand how you can feel frustrated with the teacher wanting to take registration on time while openly saying you couldn't stay longer because it would have made your son late for his school! OP YABVU. You should have stayed with your daughter and your son would have been a bit late rather than expecting a teacher to potentially be late for a whole class full of children.

I have a dd 9 with ASD and learning difficulties, who is in a special school. You realise that you handled it very badly, you lied to your dd, I would talk to the school SENCO and teacher, to see why your dd is so stressed, and ways to reduce it. Is the work load too much, are the expectations to much for her.

See if handover can take place in another place so it reduces the stress.

Trifle op suggests she in the process of assessment. However, we don't know either way.

Even if the op's dd had been assessed and found not to meet the criteria for ASD. Another disorder might be impacting on her behaviour.

So if you are saying all children who are undiagnosed or who have difficulties cannot get extensive support, you would be wrong.

It's on a needs basis i.e. Support to meet the difficulty.

Perhaps you can ask at a quiet time, whether a TA could support your she arrives at school. Perhaps being taken to a little table or quiet area with a TA might help her focus on her surroundings and help her anxiety.

trifleorbust we're talking about a child in tears. Support doesn't need to be formal or extensive.

Our school have always been keen to stress that they don't need a diagnosis to put strategies in place to help. If they end up with a child regularly school refusing and their reaction is "no ASD diagnosis, not our problem" then they are in the wrong job.

I think uou were hoping for support from the teacher to alleviate the pressure on you in dealing with the issue you faced. This in itself is not unreasonable, but you do need to be realistic. Teachers cannot prioritise one child over a class of many, the class cannot wait, they can only do this if it disrupts a class and there is no parent there. You were there so it was reasonable for the teacher to expect you to manage it.

I don't think uou should mislead your child again, although you did it for good reasons, it's damaging to know you lied to her and will simply make your problems worse.

You do have my sympathy as I suspect your struggling to deal with this and all you're doing is looking for support to help you manage it but have unrealistic expectations of the support the teachers will or are able to provide you.

I think uou need to sit down and talk to your daughter, she's old enough. Try to understand her issues and talk to her, listen to her, help her find coping mechanisms for what she is finding distressing about school.

"have tried but the archaic SENCO won't do anything because she has no statement and has in the past told me that girls don't get autism."

Given you think your DD has aspergers, this statement alone from the very person who's job it is to supoort her, would have had her out of that school straight away! What an appalling attitude!

The issue is OP, most posters have told you that YABU, and you are still arguing the toss. Not sure why you posted as you think you are 100% correct. I can see it from both sides really. This situation was of your creation. I suspect I have aspergers and you took a very woolly, unclear approach to going to school to your DD. I would have struggled to know where I stood and probably would have taken it that all I needed to do was say I didn't feel up to it and I wouldn't be going, but you made her anyway. Very confusing message.

Yes the teacher could have comforted her, but they do have things to do before going in class and many children are often upset and sometimes they may need to jolly them along a bit. But I do sympathise as my DD will sometimes be upset going into school and her teacher will let DD stand by her and hold her hand and take her in when she goes. Even if she is talking to others, which she often is, DD still has that reassurance and she's ok with just standing with her.

Userone1: I am not saying she can't have support. I am saying it is discretionary. And clearly there is some disagreement there about the child's needs that may help explain why OP is so frustrated.

OP:
The class should not ever have to wait to sort out a problem of your making, frankly. It must never be a case of the tail wagging the dog.

How old is your daughter, OP? Have you said?

I'm afraid its your child OP - not the teachers.
Your child.
You sort her out.
Teachers have enough to be doing.

EineKleine: Well that is easy to say. In this case, the teacher couldn't give the support the OP felt was required. I hope some progress is made towards establishing what the child's needs are, so that the teacher can be supported to do this if it is needed.

OopsDearyMe - I'm so sorry that 1. You had a crappy morning and 2. The comments on here, I'm quite shocked to be honest.

We have ALL been in the situation where we haven't handled a situation with our kids perfectly, what you need is some support, not criticism. None of us are perfect. And sometimes you just need a rant and a hug and for someone to tell you it's ok.

Ok, you know the things you should have handled differently but the positive is that you'll know next time and that's great. Please stop beating yourself up. It would be interesting to speak to other parents whose children have Aspergers and how they handle these types of situations, maybe see if there is a forum you could get involved in (whether or not you have had the diagnosis confirmed - I'm sure it'll help)
I would make an appointment with the Teacher in question and Head and explain the problems you're facing with your daughter and ask how they can help (if you haven't done this already), reiterate how difficult your daughter is finding school. Yes, the teacher was probably rushing around with lots of Monday morning things to do but the children are the priority and if there is a child who is upset then they need attention, I'm sure it wouldn't have taken long. Does the class have a TA?

You sound like a very caring Mum, a mum who thought that she was doing the right thing only to have it backfire, we've ALL been there in various ways. I have 5 children ranging from 27 down to 5 and I guarantee I have never got it 100% right, they are all different and have needed handing in various ways but you can only do your best. Your daughter clearly needs parenting differently so keep positive and see if you can get some help. Help, not criticism.