To expect the teacher to support an upset child fully and not walk off!

[OopsDearyMe]

My DD1 has aspergers, I know that. I am fighting to get a piece of paper that also says that.
My daughter has had no real problems going to school for months, but never likes going. She starts to get upset the night before and I relialise I probably could have handled this better, I told her last night that she might be able to stay off school today, I did it because she was so upset and anxious, she barely sleeps 6 hrsa night as it is and so she would sleep, I lied (and hate myself) I told her that she would still need to get up and dressed for school and come with me.
Then at school, I asked how she felt about going in, she began to get very upset, her teacher came passed and at first went to walk straight passed us. But I called out to her and explained , her response was a half hearted , oh well we have Computing today so you'll enjoy that won't you? Then walked off!!!
Leaving me with DS who still needed dropping at his school, and a crying DD who is gripping my arm and pleading with her eyes to take her home. The only thing I could do was leave and take DS. None of her peers approached her and her only two friends were not there.

I am so upset, both at myself!!!

But could the teacher have no taken 5 minutes , her manner was so not child friendly either, so pissed off.

Oops. School phobia is a real condition. Its not even hatered of the place. Has she had or is she getting support to over come it.

Help should be given on a needs basis, not a diagnosis basis

That is absolutely true, except that the purpose of assessment is to establish what the child's needs actually are. Pre assessment we can make temporary adjustments but if a child is specifically assessed as not having a specific need, a school is acting reasonably to treat them accordingly.

OP, you have had a shit morning as has your DD.
I have to say I do think you are being massively unreasonable and don't seem to be getting it at all but what's done is done and the best thing now would be to make some positive changes for tomorrow and moving forwards.

Can you drop your DS off first? It sounds like you need to make everything simpler and having just DD to concentrate on in that moment will be best.

Ask school for a day/week plan and go through it with DD each evening in a really positive way.

Maybe for a little while have a treat after school. Trip to park/an ice cream/a new £1 shop toy just something that she would like and would look forward too. It would give her a focus for after school which is more than just home, homework, dinner, bed , school again tomorrow.

Speak to the teacher or any TA and see if they could help you with the changeover (you to school) for a while to get DD more settled and confident.

Maybe confidence hypnosis before bed or mindfulness/relaxation techniques. If you have an iPhone you can get the mindfulness app which is really good and has some specially designed for kids.

Perhaps going in a few minutes before the other children could help her. This is a common arrangement for children with a diagnosis of aspergers, less overwhelming. I home educate but frankly don't think the teacher didn't do anything wrong here. They have such a difficult job.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered hit the nail on the head with this one.

trifle what assessment are you refering to?

Poor behaviour on teacher's part, I've found that mainstream teachers don't know how to deal with Neuro diverse and SEN children effectively. Different strategies etc are required, some couldn't spot ASC unless they were told about it; they'd probably think the child was a Pita. My Ds has settled massively since he was moved into a SEN unit within a mainstream school. It has made a massive difference in terms of his learning progress, behaviour etc as he is taught by trained specialist SEN teachers.

I have attended many parental training courses run by the National Autistic Society and a few local charities in my area. They have helped massively in how I deal with Ds, what type of strategies to use with him etc. It is a massive learning curve and I mess up daily but the important thing is to keep going and fight for your child to be included and integrated into the society that we live in.

I use:

• Visual time lines ( now and next boards) so that he can see the schedule for the day and boundaries are reinforced.

• I don't make promises at all because he will have a melt down if I can't keep them for whatever reason

• I will tell him on the day if we are going out for a trip/shops etc so that he doesn't become anxious if we don't end up going

• I remind him daily of certain acceptable/ unacceptable behaviours such as kindness, no hitting, spitting etc.

• I put a few drops of pure lavender essential oil in his bedroom an hour before bedtime to help him wind down and sleep. I also rub a drop into each sole of his feet to calm hi m down and he is sleeping through the night now.

• all electronic devices/tv off at 6pm, book, gentle tunes and audio stories only from this point on.

Keep an eye out for trigger points and try to preempt and avoid them if at all possible, lots of distraction techniques needed. Don't give your Dd the choice to go to school or not, all children will choose not to go. Work with the class teacher in making the last two terms of school a safe and enriching environment for her. All kids need to feel safe but especially ASC/SEN kids and when they experience a meltdown it's because they are trying to tell you that something is not right for them.

Print this off for the class teacher

www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/world-autism-awareness-week/schools.aspx

Yes, Kooky. Teachers do have a difficult job. No one would deny that, but. Its a job they choose/signed up for. Children do not sign up for school. They have no choice. Like it lump it. They have to go

Userone1 there is a huge difference between a parent's concerns and a parent's diagnosis. I went to a professional because I had concerns and wanted a diagnosis. I didn't care what the diagnosis was - God knows being diagnosed hasn't helped in the least because NTs continue to judge me by their standards and fail me because I can't be like them - I just wanted to know what a professional thought.

Your child needs extra support. If the teacher needed to be with a class to start a lesson then I can see why she didn't have time to spend coaxing your daughter into school. Ask for a meeting with the school to ask for their suggestions on how to deal with this in a better way in future and try and get into a routine so these fraught scenes don't happen.

I'm sorry you're getting such a bashing op but I don't think the teacher was in the wrong,

My dd has ASD and there have been times when I've been in this situation with her, where she's been hysterical sobbing boardering on meltdown and I've had to leave so I know how awful it is, it upsets your whole day.

I think perhaps the teacher walked past initially because she didn't want to take over if you were already talking to dd and overwhelm her with more faces when she was upset.
Also when you did shout her back for help and she didn't give the reaction you expect I think this could be because she had a career of dealing with children crying to go home and she might think the best approach 'getting on with it' like a nursery would do, drop and run type situation rather than you, and the teacher getting involved and escalating your daughters stress.

Be honest how long would it have taken your dd to calm down if the teacher stood with her and you left?
For my dd it could have easily, easily been 30 minutes and it would be really irresponsible for the teacher to leave the class for that long.

As cruel as it sounds it's probably best that she acted the way she did so that the situation wasn't becoming a bigger 'monster' to her by both of you consoling her you're validating that this is a scary situation and that might make it even worse for her.

But I do know how hard it is so I know that you just wanted someone to help make it better and no one did but I don't think anyone could have really without leaving a class of students unattended.

Have you tried looking at PECS cards and communication cards for your daughter they might be really helpful with getting to school.
If you've not heard of them it's basically a card you stick you dad's activities to do she knows where she's up to andbyou take each card off as the activity is completed.

So for example say on Monday if she had IT, then break, then maths, then lunch, then English then home you would start your activity card as soon as she got up by sticking
Have a wash and get dressed cards on the board, then a walk to school card, then a say bye to mum card, then cards to show her exactly what she will be doing that day. She can peel them off after each activity is completed and then she knows exactly where she is up to and when you will be picking her up again.
Just google autism activity board, PECS cards, there are sellers on eBay who custom make for you,

I know it might sound silly but it worked wonders with getting my dd in a routine of going to school, I think her fear was the I dropped her and the day seemed so long she couldn't appreciate when it would be over and she could come home and this way she knew and felt more in control going to school.

It might work it might not but it might just be worth a try. If you don't want to buy a board and cards write it on a list she can keep with and tick.

Children with ASD disorders often benefit from a more visual instruction. (Not generalising based on my dd I used to work at a SN school)

You could also go to whoever is in charge of pastoral care at school if you have someone I think most schools have someone to see if they can help.

Sorry for epic post

Sorry your DS.

Op you're stressed, but it's not the teachers fault here.
She had other students to look after, who knew if they also had sen too?
Looking after one doesn't mean neglecting the whole class.
How was she too know you needed help?
Your dd was with you, her mother. Why would she intervene?
It isn't fair to say people on here have no idea what it's like just because they don't agree with you because it cleary isn't true.
There is support, there are boards here that you may find helpful.

*your dad's wa supposed to read your dd's

Gin the teacher needs to be aware that mum has concerns and suspects ASD and is trying to get the process underway. Parents are often the first to notice and know their children best.

No diagnosis is either here nor there. If the child needs support, she needs support.

I think the problem may be that you expected the teacher to take her 5 mins before she was due to start work so was likely to be on the way to the toilet / swig of coffee/ printing for the lessons. Which she wouldn't get to do after as she can't leave the class (by year 6 they generally don't have a full time TA)

• you aggravated the situation by lying to your dd
• it wasn't teaching time yet (OR)
• the teacher can't leave a whole class of children unsupervised

Did you want the teacher to drag your crying dd into the classroom? Did you want her to step in and parent for you? Parents trump teachers.

It sounds like you're annoyed the teacher didn't take charge of the situation. Despite what you seem to think, teachers are paid to deliver the curriculum, not help you parent your child.

My dd has asd and is still at home (midday). She missed 1 day last week, and 2 days the week before. I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, are we talking primary or secondary? I have always left dd with office staff rather than teachers on difficult mornings.
I have no advice for you though as I can't manage my own daughter successfully! I can sympathise though OP.
Remember you need the teachers on your side, so just assume the teacher didn't do it on purpose, and concentrate on how to motivate your dd to go to school - and when you work that out let me know please!!

Maybe a stupid question but have you been to your GP with your dd and asked for a referral?

My ds is much older and his problems were apparent from a much younger age but his teachers totally poo pooed any suggestion from me that there was any problem. Ds was apparently too well behaved and intelligent...

GP was v supportive and ds was referred to community paediatrician and from there had an ed psych assessment and a diagnosis. The school could no long deny it and were v supportive afterwards.

I think your fustration with the teacher whilst understandable is misplaced and that getting to the bottom of this issue is paramount.

Userone1: I don't know whether the OP's child has been assessed or not, but when I posted she had been asked but had chosen not to answer.

It's so sad to read here about children who hate or are anxious about going to school, for whatever reason.

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be for a parent to actually have to face it day after day. :-(

any child in tears at coming into school needs support. But that support doesn't involve the child coming in 20mins early unless by prior arrangement.

Get some strategies in place with the teacher, agreed in a prearranged meeting after school, and don't lie to DD. You don't need a diagnosis to address this more constructively.

Trifle that's kind of the point it doesn't matter whether she has been assessed or not. Support is on a needs basis.

I hated school as a child, not so much middle school but high school, very much. I think it was a phobia. I'd fake illness, cry and beg but also was bullied a little and nothing was done about it.

To tell your DD she might be able to have the day off was really unfair. I hope for her sake it gets sorted out quickly.