To expect the teacher to support an upset child fully and not walk off!

[OopsDearyMe]

My DD1 has aspergers, I know that. I am fighting to get a piece of paper that also says that.
My daughter has had no real problems going to school for months, but never likes going. She starts to get upset the night before and I relialise I probably could have handled this better, I told her last night that she might be able to stay off school today, I did it because she was so upset and anxious, she barely sleeps 6 hrsa night as it is and so she would sleep, I lied (and hate myself) I told her that she would still need to get up and dressed for school and come with me.
Then at school, I asked how she felt about going in, she began to get very upset, her teacher came passed and at first went to walk straight passed us. But I called out to her and explained , her response was a half hearted , oh well we have Computing today so you'll enjoy that won't you? Then walked off!!!
Leaving me with DS who still needed dropping at his school, and a crying DD who is gripping my arm and pleading with her eyes to take her home. The only thing I could do was leave and take DS. None of her peers approached her and her only two friends were not there.

I am so upset, both at myself!!!

But could the teacher have no taken 5 minutes , her manner was so not child friendly either, so pissed off.

[Wolfiefan]

You lied to your child by implying they could have the day off.
You expect the teacher to ignore the 29 others and not get ready for a full on day of teaching to help you deal with your mistake?
Teachers are working when in school. They are stupidly busy dealing with the needs of the whole group, resources and assessments and reporting and paperwork and child protection issues and a million other things. They can't be a stand in parent for your child too when you are right there.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

I appreciate it must be really hard for you, it's a stressful time, I know, but this situation was, unfortunately, all your own fuck up to my mind. That sounds harsh, but you're human and in a horrid situation.

[BorrowedHeart]

Lol your son is an added pressure and meant you couldn't deal with your daughter, yet a teacher with loads of prep, paperwork and 30 other children would have less pressure. Omg op you have to be piss taking, no one is this entitled surely.

[OopsDearyMe]

She joined the school in year 3 as is the system here, and its been a problem since she moved, no real problems with school refusal before this. DD2 also hates this school and struggling. She masks well and is thequiert onewho disappears into the background. I know that i am not the only one who has issues with this SENCO.


No point moving her as she goes to secondary school in September and it would mean two moves.
Don't get me starts in the farcical story of trying to get the statement, its epic.

Do not go there , Ginandtonic.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I think what many if us who have been through the diagnostic process with our children and come out the other side. I have 2 with HF ASD - that 'magic' piece of paper doesn't actually change much. I still have to pressure the school as dd and ds don't have learning disabilities they get very light touch support. No dedicated ta support. But dd has been using the structured provision before school and at breaks so she doesn't get stressed out by the general chaos of break time etc. Ds lives in the library. I have been the one learning how to get them to and from school safely through trial and error. It is mostly down to parents outside the school hours. Regardless of an official 'piece of paper' (still worth getting diagnosis - but temper your expectations).

[knittingwithnettles]

When my son started saying he didn't want to go to school, I kept him off, rang up the SENCO immediately, and said unless they organised something he would be affecting their attendance figures. They immediately put lots in place, came to greet him when he arrived at school, didn't complain if he was late to the classroom in the morning (better he should come to school 5 mins late calm than on time anxious) He did have a diagnosis by this point and was in Year 5.

However, I never tried to solve the problem with him in tow, I pre-arranged it. I think I was quite aggressively confrontational with the school looking back, I basically said, either you make him want to come to school or I am keeping him at home, but I am not fighting every day to send him to school against his wishes for him to return in a state of high anxiety and repeat ad infinitum. They really tried hard to make school a nurturing place for him, and he liked going/it was a familiar habit/transitions became less hard.

[EineKleine]

You have had a very rough ride on here.

I think you should be able to expect any upset child to be handed over to an adult who will help and not walk away, but not 20mins before the bell goes.

Ask for a meeting with the teacher to discuss easing her transition into school, but don't expect them to take her early.

[TalesOfStepford]

I sympathise OP. My 10 year old regularly cannot get to sleep for fear of going to school the next day. She is often up till 1 or 2 in the morning sobbing. She has been like this for years and is a terribly anxious child. We have had in the past very little understanding or support from school as she presents as happy and confident in class, but she cannot cope socially, so spends most lunch and break times on her own and frets over no one liking her. Speak to the Senco and try to have a word with her teacher after school one day to ask how she is in the classroom and playground, then tell them your concerns and that you are struggling with getting her into school in the mornings. There may be someone who can meet you at the school gate and help you to take her in on the days when she is struggling.
People will tell you that it wasn't ideal telling her she could have the day off, but unless you have a terribly anxious child who doesn't sleep and consistently begs you not to send her to school, it is difficult to understand the stress and upset that brings. We all make mistakes in these situations, and will sometimes say anything to calm things down, so don't beat yourself up and try to find some resources from the internet, contact the GP and the School Senco for support. I hope things get much better for you and your DD.

[ExplodedCloud]

Ok. Have you spoken to the SENCO at the secondary? To see if they believe girls can have ASD?

[Katastrophe13]

I think the teacher could have been more sympathetic and helped encourage your DD in. Schools are very keen for children to have as high attendance as possible so part of that is supporting children who, for whatever reason, don't like being at school.

[mrsmuddlepies]

Failure to complete a class register is dangerous. It is the school record for any health and safety issues such as a fire alarm. A teacher would be in trouble for not completing the register promptly.
OP, you do seem ready to pin the blame on anybody else who happens to be around. I think you need to put strategies in place to deal with your busy morning routine.
Do you go onto work or are you at home during the day?

[SoupDragon]

I didn't have the ability to focus solely on her at that time

And yet you think it odd that people are saying that the teacher should focus on your DD rather than other children?

Anyway, all this is a red herring really. What you really need is suggestions of how to help your DD and I agree with whoever suggest d you post for help on one of the SNs board.

Nothing else matters apart from working on strategies your DD can use to cope.

[knittingwithnettles]

I've probably over egged this, ds had always enjoyed school up until Year 3, and it was just some aspects of school that were putting him off, playground, morning transitions, particular children upsetting him. By working through these issues with the school and the SENCO and insisting that the ball was in their court, it was quite easy to get him to school, because he was no longer anxious, and looked forward to all sorts of things like PE and computing! I also insisted in the SATs year that he was under no pressure at all. As a result doing well in the exams never became an "issue" for him; although he only passed with a 3 in SpAG (level 4 in the other two) I don't know whether I did the right thing and whether I should have put more pressure on him academically or put more pressure on the school to intervene, but I feel that anxiety can be caused by the pressure to perform well in the Year 6 SATS (I had seen other far more academic children get into a complete state over them)

Could this be a factor that you could talk through with your daughter, that the academic side of school is important but that her happiness is the thing that matters most, and you want her not to worry about the academic side of school...(sorry said in a more child friendly way) Talking things through helped us always.

[EineKleine]

And I think you're feeling very guilty and stressed this morning and hitting out at the nearest target.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Fucking hell. Don't go OTT with the support.
Yes op was a a bit in hastie in saying her dd might be able to have today off, but. Hands up those of us have never made a parenting mistake.
And I'm sorry but. The teacher must be aware of the child's Asperges. Part of your job as a teacher is welcoming and settling children.

[Trifleorbust]

Part of your job as a teacher is welcoming and settling children.

But NOT before the start of the day and NOT when welcoming and settling places other children at risk. Legal responsibilities come before any other consideration.

[GinAndTunic]

I'll go wherever I bloody well please, OP. I am quoting your post.

And I have Asperger's - I was diagnosed at the Autism Research Centre at Cambridge University.

By your own admission, you lied to your daughter. Who else do you lie to?

[MrsJaniceBattersby]

Not 20 minutes before school starts it isn't Aww

[GinAndTunic]

First line of your post, OP: My DD1 has aspergers, I know that. I am fighting to get a piece of paper that also says that.

[GinAndTunic]

Awww, there is no diagnosis. The teacher does not need to be aware of the mother's diagnosis. If that were the case, virtually every child in the country would have some sort of SEN, with the only evidence being the parent's opinion.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

Agree with ginandtunic.

Why is there a fight to get the piece of paper that says that? Has she been assessed as not having it?

[Userone1]

Gin that's bollox, the teacher does need to be aware of parents concerns. Many children have lots of difficulties, long before they receive a diagnosis.

Help should be given on a needs basis, not a diagnosis basis

[faithinthesound]

I am really shocked that people think teachers should be more concerned by the group and not the individual, surely every individual is important.
Yes. They are. Which means that children other than your daughter may well have needed attention. And given that you were right there to give your daughter attention, the teacher was hardly BU to beetle off elsewhere to see who else needed her.

You are "really shocked" that people think children other than just your DD should have had the teacher's attention? That necessary tasks and procedures should have had the teacher's attention, twenty minutes before she legally took charge of your child? All I can say is I hope the string your pearls are on is nice and sturdy or you'll lose them, clutching them like that.

The teacher could have done a number of things more helpful than she did, is all I am saying.
So could you have. Pobody's nerfect. Why does the teacher have to be infallible and you allowed to create a mess and dump it on someone else?

[knittingwithnettles]

I once picked my child up from Reception mid morning because I had promised him that if he went to school, I would pick him up at lunchtime. I happened to meet the headteacher (who left soon after) who was a rather jobsworth person, who asked why I had taken him out of school "early". Blithely I replied (snowflake mother that I was) because I "promised" him that if he went to school I would pick him up early. The teacher just looked bewildered...why would I stick to this ridiculous promise, surely I should have just realised that it was my duty to leave him there until 3, once I had persuade him to go.

I don't really know what the answer is, I think we all try and persuade our children to do things by using all sorts of tricks and hope they forget what we promised.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

To be fair gin, a child does not need a diagnosis to be supported at school. Ds was in yr8 when he got his diagnosis. It only confirmed what we already knew. His school already made adjustments for ds. The diagnosis will make it much easier in his next school (hopefully!). Intervention is needs led not diagnosis - or it should be. The op needs to be robustly reminding the school of that, as well as using strategies to help her and dd at home/ on the way to school.