To expect the teacher to support an upset child fully and not walk off!

[OopsDearyMe]

My DD1 has aspergers, I know that. I am fighting to get a piece of paper that also says that.
My daughter has had no real problems going to school for months, but never likes going. She starts to get upset the night before and I relialise I probably could have handled this better, I told her last night that she might be able to stay off school today, I did it because she was so upset and anxious, she barely sleeps 6 hrsa night as it is and so she would sleep, I lied (and hate myself) I told her that she would still need to get up and dressed for school and come with me.
Then at school, I asked how she felt about going in, she began to get very upset, her teacher came passed and at first went to walk straight passed us. But I called out to her and explained , her response was a half hearted , oh well we have Computing today so you'll enjoy that won't you? Then walked off!!!
Leaving me with DS who still needed dropping at his school, and a crying DD who is gripping my arm and pleading with her eyes to take her home. The only thing I could do was leave and take DS. None of her peers approached her and her only two friends were not there.

I am so upset, both at myself!!!

But could the teacher have no taken 5 minutes , her manner was so not child friendly either, so pissed off.

[PeggyMitchell123]

So the whole class should wait for the teacher to sort out the upset child that her mum created, when the child has her mum there?

Yes because that's fair to all the other children. Sorry but you caused the whole situation, you handled it really bad and I do think you should be more frustrated with yourself than your dd's teacher.

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

whatever stuff the teacher had to do, surely an upset child should have been more important, and the class could wait a few minutes

Seriously? You created a mess by lying to manipulate your poor DD and you're expecting a teacher to ignore the other 29 kids in the class to deal with your mess? You have NO idea how challenging teaching can be, a teacher can't just ignore everyone else to talk a child round who is still with her parent!!

You handled this really badly and are now trying to shift some of the blame. Don't.

[Geekmama]

You handled that terribly! GOSH..... by lying to her, she's going to find it very difficult to trust you again and quite rightly so and when you put ASD into the mix you've cause the right old mass. People with ASD need routine and clear boundaries, I suggest you work on that. Google social stories and explain to her why it's important for her to go to school. The teacher probably have 101 other things going on, if you need help you should of asked for it!

[PotteringAlong]

surely an upset child should have been more important, and the class could wait a few minutes?

Nope, 29 unsupervised children vs an upset child with their parent? The child stays with their parent and the teacher goes to their class! You cocked up here; not the teacher

[Namesarehard]

If you really do suspect your daughter has asd then you have a lot to learn. You do not purposely tell her something when you know it's a lie. Huge no no. Asd isn't the child fault. It's cruel to lie to make things easier for yourself. You'd have caused anxiety in her. Don't do that. Sometimes it's unavoidable. But never choose to do it. That poor girl.

[hearyoume]

No the rest of the class can't just wait! YAB so so bloody U! By all means, make an appointment with the teacher to discuss the issue but you can't expect him/her to just drop everything.

[Wantagoodname]

Ok you know you did wrong by lying to her but it is very difficult to get a child with Sen who doesn't like school to go to school.
I have similar issues with my dd, it starts the night before and this morning I left her in the corner of the playground with a teacher standing holding her so she wouldn't run off school premises.
I don't have much advice about how you can handle this in the future, in bed could she lie and listen to story CDs or mindfulness from YouTube? Might help take her mind of school and give her something to focus on/ think about while lying in bed?

[Cherryskypie]

The teacher did nothing thing wrong.

You lied out of desperation and made things worse. You need help dealing with your DD's behaviour but you also need to stop the expecting other people to instantly step in and manage it for you.

[OopsDearyMe]

I did not tell her should could have the day off ! I clearly and calmly asked her if she understood that she needed to go to school and why she needed to go to school, She nodded. ( She does not talk about emotional issues) I had a whole conversation about it all and I said that she needed to sleep and that if the idea of going in tomorrow was so upsetting it was stopping her sleeping, that we will make the decision in the morning. But in case she did go in she needed to be up dressed etc.
On the way to school, I told her we would see how she felt once we arrived ( I would have taken her home if I thought she could not manage) and reiterated that sometimes we need to face our fears.

I'm not perfect and I have no help, so give me a break if i don't know what else to do.

The alternatives were to just keep her off and go through it again tomorrow.
Or have her not sleep all night and then be u able to go in anyway

[Whathaveilost]

OK I get I handled it badly, but whatever stuff the teacher had to do, surely an upset child should have been more important, and the class could wait a few minutes?

Not necessarily and why should it. You were there!

She said a few words, ok not to your liking but seriously, the world doesn't stop. Maybe if she wasn't doing what she had to do she may have stopped and spent more time, maybe from experience the teacher knows that molly coddling isn't always the answer and has a 'get on with it approach'

So you are still being UR but I do understand how difficult it is.

[firawla]

yabvu and expecting too much from the teacher. Youbneed to prepare your dd for going in, any child will get upset after being told they would have the day off - let alone with asd. You're not doing anyone any favours with that!

[BarbarianMum]

"the class could wait for a few minutes"

It really couldn't - no teacher is going to hold up registration for 5 minutes whilst they deal with one child. But yes, it would have been nice if the teacher had encouraged your dd to go into class with her.

Why not arrange to meet the class teacher to agree a plan for making the transition into school easier for your dd though? My friend's CD is autistic and used to be met by the office by the class ta and taken to settle down in the classroom 5 minutes before school started each morning. A quick handover worked best for him.

[OopsDearyMe]

Mollie coddling bollocks!

[Whathaveilost]

Ok, so you said she might be able to have the day off.
Poor kid has probably built her hopes up that she doesn't have to go in.

Again I see why you've done it but hopefully hind sight will make you wiser next time and chose your words more carefully.

[WayfaringStranger]

How old is your daughter? I don't want to kick you while you're down but I do think you need support to develop better strategies to manage things. It sounds like it was a bad day but I don't think you can blame the teacher. What other support is your DD getting? Have you been getting any help with management of her needs? Sorry it was a bad day for you all though.

[Userone1]

I think the OP has accepted she should not have lied to her dd.

Kids with ASD like expected, routine and predictability. In future if your dd is anxious about the next day, it's probably due to not knowing what will happen.

Ask school for a timetable, stick it on wall at home. Go through it with her when anxious about next day.

[ABowlOfTomatoSoup]

It doesn't really sound as though you are accepting the general consensus here OP.

I have a kid with additional needs. It's my responsibility no one else's.

[Introvertedbuthappy]

What you did was deeply confusing for your daughter. You increased her anxiety massively and then expected her teacher to pick up the pieces!

Have you tried a set routine in the morning, a visual timetable may help her. A social story to go through every night would also help. You want the routine to be predictable - not move the goalposts suddenly. That's massively unsettling.

Oh, and I'm a teacher (only work 3 days a week these days). I get in at 7:45 and leave at 6 - I am still busy 5 mins before the bell and could not neglect 29 children to deal with a child with her parent. From what you've described it would have not been a quick thing to get her settled as she would have been (quite rightly!) confused and anxious.

[faithinthesound]

whatever stuff the teacher had to do, surely an upset child should have been more important, and the class could wait a few minutes?

Ever heard the expression "the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few"?

The needs of the 29 other kids in that class quite rightly outweighed the needs of your one DD, for two big reasons. 1, they and the teacher didn't make the mess. YOU did. 2. You were right there - it wasn't as if your DD was sobbing in a corner alone.

I'm only TRAINING to become a teacher and I already know it's basically going to be a bit like a day in day out game of whack-a-mole! One child has a problem, you sort that, there's three more kids with issues that need to be sorted right away. That's thirty little people she's overseeing, not just your daughter and 29 lifesized muppets.

There's just no way it's fair to spend an inordinate amount of time on one child - a child who has a parent present - and neglect every other member of the class. She's everyone's teacher, not just your DD's teacher.

[Whathaveilost]

Mollie coddling bollocks!

Ffs I was saying from teachers point of view!

Look, you just want people to agree with you.
You've had sympathy but the teacher is not at fault.

[OopsDearyMe]

Sorry I didn't make one thing clear, that I think people are missing, this was not at normal drop off time, this was 20 minutes before and therefore school was not actually due to start for 20 minutes, so the teacher did not have to immeadiatly attend to class of kids sat ready to work.

Wow loving the compassion, I would have no problem if it my child waiting for a teacher to help a distressed child.

Oh and I also had responsibility to get my DS to school too. Surely its the teacher who encourages child from one direction and parents from other,

[ChangeTime]

Lots of compassion for you and your DD but the teacher didn't do anything wrong

[WorraLiberty]

How old is your daughter?

If you wanted the teacher to help, why didn't you say, "Sorry but can you help me here please? She's upset, I'm trying to get her into class and my DS is going to be late"?

That way even if she didn't have time to help, she may have been able to find another member of staff.

Teachers aren't mind readers and she probably thought you were coping with your DD being upset.

[Cherryskypie]

Did you have a name change fail there OP?

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

Oops, you need to speak to the senco. My dd is y6 and has a HF ASD diagnosis, (they don't use Aspergers in UK these days). She was really struggled with going to school in y5. So I spoke to senco, they arranged for a TA to greet dd and make sure she got in ok. Dd also attends homework club for 1/2 hour before school, it helps with transition, as she is not standing awkwardly in playground waiting for school to start. So ta is not needed anymore. There may be other strategies to help your DD.

Move your focus away from blame for the upset this morning. I do think it is important to be honest with your DD, if I told mine she doesn't have to go to school the night before then said actually you do, having to switch gears and get ready would be soo much harder. She needs time to adjust, structure and certainty. The school don't have to have an official diagnosis to help you, they have a duty of care. Speak to them and good luck.