To expect the teacher to support an upset child fully and not walk off!

[OopsDearyMe]

My DD1 has aspergers, I know that. I am fighting to get a piece of paper that also says that.
My daughter has had no real problems going to school for months, but never likes going. She starts to get upset the night before and I relialise I probably could have handled this better, I told her last night that she might be able to stay off school today, I did it because she was so upset and anxious, she barely sleeps 6 hrsa night as it is and so she would sleep, I lied (and hate myself) I told her that she would still need to get up and dressed for school and come with me.
Then at school, I asked how she felt about going in, she began to get very upset, her teacher came passed and at first went to walk straight passed us. But I called out to her and explained , her response was a half hearted , oh well we have Computing today so you'll enjoy that won't you? Then walked off!!!
Leaving me with DS who still needed dropping at his school, and a crying DD who is gripping my arm and pleading with her eyes to take her home. The only thing I could do was leave and take DS. None of her peers approached her and her only two friends were not there.

I am so upset, both at myself!!!

But could the teacher have no taken 5 minutes , her manner was so not child friendly either, so pissed off.

[Trifleorbust]

I am really shocked that people think teachers should be more concerned by the group and not the individual, surely every individual is important. The teacher could have done a number of things more helpful than she did, is all I am saying.

You are shocked that the teacher was more concerned with the other children actually in her care than with your child? You do understand that teachers are not allowed to leave children unsupervised? That they have to register them as being present? That anything else could have been happening at that moment that outweighed your child's upset?

Totally and absolutely bonkers, OP.

[Userone1]

Then you have a problem with school. if SENCO is ignoring all the difficulties, then so are the teachers. I think you need to look at the bigger picture.

You don't need a statement to make reasonable adjustments.

[ExplodedCloud]

I'm sure in an ideal world we'd all like to think the individual child is important but schools' funding is being cut year on year. Like every public sector organisation. Something has to give.

[Sirzy]

It is hard because to you your child is the most important one of course but you have to realise that isn't the case to the teacher and they have to balance the needs of all the children.


What exactly do you think the teacher could have done to change the situation?

[Introvertedbuthappy]

The teacher probably had lots to do. You have implied that if she had stopped to help them you would have gone off with your son, leaving the teacher to pick up the pieces at a time she shouldn't even be responsible for her (or indeed insured for her safety as she should have been under your care still).

Or maybe you'd be equally happy if the teacher lied to her to get her to do something and then spotted you outside 20 mins before the end of the school day and expected you to deal with it...

[OopsDearyMe]

Its primary school, year 6.

Sorry but many of you are not reading the OP properly, as I did say that the school know about the issues, that is why I am annoyed, the teacher is aware.

I have though about changing school, but any change is traumatic and I may simply be moving the problem,this area is notoriously bad for SEN children and on my support group there are so many local parents asking for help with a school that DOES support children. Generally its children like my DD who are not severe that are struggling.

[WorraLiberty]

The teacher could have done a number of things more helpful than she did, is all I am saying.

And yet you didn't think to ask her for help?

How old is your DD please?

[peppaminttea]

Have you taken your daughter to the GP and tried to get help that way?

Or bypass the SENCO and talk to the head or SEND governor about lack of support and complain about the autism and girls comments. You do not need a diagnosis to get help if it is needed.

If you haven't already start writing a diary of everything, particularly focus on what your daughter does that is in contrast to a 'normal' child. Show it to the school, GP and anyone else who will listen.

It is hard and the SENCO is likely to be the first of many battles.

[Trifleorbust]

You definitely need support, but it needs to come through a proper process of assessment of your DD's needs. Please don't blame the teacher because she can't be in several places at once.

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

A classic AIBU.

OP: AIBU?

Everyone: YABU

OP: But, but, but...

Seriously, why ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer?

[ExplodedCloud]

And even in a school with a good SENCO and a diagnosis you won't necessarily be able to get much support. Especially if your dd is coping academically. Diagnosis doesn't necessarily equal funds or an EHCP these days.

[JanuaryMoods]

You are still moaning about the teacher about something that was totally your fault and your responsibility.

You have been told that teachers are very busy before school and why yet you still think your child should have priority over everything and everyone else. You walked off and left her in tears. Why didn't you stay with her until she felt better or until her friends arrived?

[Userone1]

ooops Change is not as traumatic as having your difficulties ignored for potentially your whole school life.

A change for the better is far less traumatic.

[WorraLiberty]

Actually thinking about it now, you said as you were there 20 minutes early, the teacher should have had time to deal with your DD, as she wouldn't have had a class waiting.

But if her class has a slow start from 08:45 - 09:00, that means she had precisely 5 minutes to get to her class before the first child walked in.

So that's why she was in a hurry! Although I'm sure had you asked, she may have been able to find another member of staff to help you.

[OopsDearyMe]

Introvert, that was not my intention, I mentioned my son as being an added pressure to the situation and that I didn't have the ability to focus solely on her at that time. I certainly did not mean as someone said that the teacher should have taken him into consideration, nor did I mean I was expecting the teacher to childmind.

I think a lot of you clearly have NO experience of children with this problem. I would certainly not be posting this had DD2 or DS been the child involved. I know they would be over it once in class, she will not.

[Floggingmolly]

Year 6... Has the going into school thing just started to be a problem, op?

[ExplodedCloud]

We moved dd to a school with a good SENCO. It wasnt the only reason for the move but it did inform our choice. It wasn't easy but it was very much worth it.
Have you spoken to the SENCO at your chosen secondary school?

[GinAndTunic]

She's has Asperger's

The mother thinks the daughter has Asperger's.

[Introvertedbuthappy]

Oops actually I have. That's why I'm asking about social stories/visual timetable. Helps if school has one too. I have a whole class one and one for individuals where needed.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

If the school is aware, they either don't agree she needs additional support - as they would have something in place. Or they think they have provided as much support as resources allow. If you have had a conversation about the specific issue of dropping your DD at school what did they suggest? If they don't believe there is an issue you have a battle on your hands
Request that the senco gets retraining to understand girls with Autism (girl with curly hair good place to start). Kick off - in a restrained reasonable manner and document every conversation with a follow up email. You can tell i have been here before

[WorraLiberty]

A lot of people clearly have 'NO' experience of this problem because they don't agree with you, that it was the teacher's fault?

[Trifleorbust]

I don't know how you can write this:

"I didn't have the ability to focus solely on her at that time."

NEITHER DID THE TEACHER!

You are expecting more from the teacher than you were capable of yourself, and you are the PARENT!

[Userone1]

Ooops if really want some help improving things for your dd, post in SN section.

The teacher ignoring your dd is a bit of a red herring, seems the difficulties run a lot deeper.

This is AIBU and that is exactly what you will get here.

[BorrowedHeart]

You are being so stupid, it hurts reading yours posts. I haven't read the full thread yet, but I think you are being hugely unreasonable, you were there with your child how the fuck is it the teachers job to console her? You set her up to be upset then expected a teacher who wasn't yet on duty to care for your child, to deal with the problem.

[gillybeanz]

I sympathise as my dd has Aspergers too, along with my ds2.
What I noticed was that they needed boundaries enforcing that other dc understood.
Such things like going into school, cleaning teeth, keeping clean, doing homework etc.
Sometimes it was a constant battle, but you have to do it.
If you want to give the impression that you can just stay of school, then take your child out and H.ed like we ended up doing. Otherwise speak to the SENCO and ask for some support.
You can't afford to give mixed messages with children with an asd.
I'm sorry you are struggling I do know what you are going through.
It isn't the job of the teacher unfortunately, they have enough to do.