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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU/WWYD: Having my mum at the birth

103 replies

Sheilasfeels · 05/02/2017 22:30

Buckle in for a long one so as not to drip feed.

Background - I am an only child raised by a single mum. My granny was at my birth and was my second parent until she died. Then it was just me and mum. We've been through a lot, and have had a bumpy relationship with lots of terrible arguments, but have also been pretty codependant on one another. To the point that when I went away to uni my mum considered selling up and moving closer to my uni town. She has done amazing things for me, funded me through uni completely on her own, but she is also quite domineering. She'll tell me how to do things, I'll kick back because her advice is wrong for me, she'll keep on at me until I doubt myself and do things her way, which inevitably backfire and leave me kicking myself that I wasn't stronger.

The dilema - as I said my granny was at my birth. I think both me and mum assumed that if I ever gave birth it would just be me and her. However in a shocking turn of events I got married and now have a husband! Our first child is due in 5 weeks. We've thought about it long and hard, and we'd both be more comfortable if it was just the two of us at the birth, me and my husband. However, I think my mum would be crushed if she wasn't there. She is already angry because she wants to buy big things for the baby but we don't need her too, she feels we're blocking her out. This would just add to it.

So, aibu to just want my husband there? And wwyd, would you include her to prevent hurt and upset?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2017 22:32

So, aibu to just want my husband there?
Not at all.

And wwyd, would you include her to prevent hurt and upset?
I really wouldn't have her there. Just let her visit soon afterwards.

Since you're married and your husband will he there, do you really think she'll be surprised you only want him?

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2017 22:33

Have you not discussed her being there/not there yet? If it hadn't come up I'd be amazed if she was expecting to be there?

Original poster

Sheilasfeels · 05/02/2017 22:35

She has talked about what she'll do with her dog when I go into labour, how she'll get a taxi to the hospital. She asked me outright today if I wanted her there and I said I didn't know, what with the logistics and everything, and she went very quiet.

OP posts:

showmeislands · 05/02/2017 22:36

YANBU. It's fine for you to just want your husband there.

Having said that, I find myself in a somewhat related dilemma in that I'm due in a few weeks and as things stand, both my mum and husband will be at the birth. She didn't assume she would be there but months ago I impulsively asked her to be, and now it's getting closer to my due date I have found myself wondering if it's the right decision or whether it would be better just the two of us. Not sure I can really un-ask her now though, if I did decide it was! So will be reading replies to this thread with interest...

Grittyshunts · 05/02/2017 22:37

It's your baby/birth and you should do what you want. You might like your mum being there but I totally understand that you just want it to be you and your DH. My DM was at the birth of our first child, as was my DH and honestly, it didn't make it any less special and she kind of stood back to let us have our time with our son. It really is down to you and your DH, don't ask her to be there out of guilt, ask her to be there because you want her to be there. Good luck with the baby!

ohfourfoxache · 05/02/2017 22:37

Christ, don't do it. Your body, your labour, your choice.

Fwiw in really close to my mum, but there isn't a snowflake's chance in hell I would have wanted her there for ds's birth (currently expecting dc2).

OverTheGardenGate · 05/02/2017 22:37

A friend of mine was a birth partner to both her dd and dil along with their husbands. You are allowed 2 birth partners at our hosp. It depends though whether or not you want her there. Friend was invited to be at both these births.

MsPavlichenko · 05/02/2017 22:38

No. And she shouldn't expect to be there. Neither should she be disappointed/upset. It is your life/baby/choice. I was really close to my late DM. She never had any expectations like tis, but was always happy to support me in whatever way I asked if able. That's what a supportive DM/D should do .

LexieLulu · 05/02/2017 22:38

I think you need to spell it out to her, maybe say that you want her to be the first person the baby meets, but for labour you'd rather enjoy (is that the right word?) your moment with your husband and the life you have made X

ohfourfoxache · 05/02/2017 22:40

Sorry, just to be clear, when I say "don't do it" I mean "don't be pressured into anything you don't want".

MsPavlichenko · 05/02/2017 22:40

And my mum did amazing things for me and my sister btw.

Timeforteaplease · 05/02/2017 22:40

It's been said a thousand time before, but start as you mean to go on. If you do not want her there, say thanks for the kind offer but no. And keep saying it.

Bluebellevergreen · 05/02/2017 22:40

I would just have DH but tell your mum asap because she went quiet and probably now wondering if she will be allowed or not.
Do it soon so you can focus on the birth.
Get her involved in another way?

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 05/02/2017 22:44

My mum was at my son's birth, because DH has a hospital phobia and also there was nobody else who could have my stepson while I was giving birth.

I have a great relationship with my mum though, and she has a special bond with my son, who is likely to be her only grandchild. It is a lovely experience to share with her (although she did scold me for swearing at the midwife).

SheepyFun · 05/02/2017 22:44

Bear in mind that stress may slow down your labour and make it more painful. It sounds as though your mum's presence would be stressful for you. Also, your DH will (should) want to back you up, possibly leading to a row with your DM. You really don't need that. I think you can see where I'm heading.

If you think she'll try to come anyway, don't tell her when you go into labour, just text her when the baby comes.

goose1964 · 05/02/2017 22:45

I remember saying half way through my first labour"I want my mum". and kick DH out for an hour or so.I only had DH for the other 2.on the other hand I was at the birth of 2 of my grandsons, I did the top end whilst DSiL kept busy with equipment and the birth end😂

Nanny0gg · 05/02/2017 22:46

It's your birth, do whatever makes you comfortable. I was at some, but not all, of my DGC's births and that was absolutely fine. Would you be happy with her coming to see you as soon as you and the baby are settled?

However, why can't she buy one of the 'big' things for the baby? You may be able to afford it yourself but what's the harm? It was often tradition that the GPs bought the pram. It may mitigate any other hurt.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/02/2017 22:46

Considering the medical personnel who will be there it isn't really going to be "just the two of you" when you give birth, would your mum being in the room really make that big of a difference? Or do you mean after they hand baby to you, you want it to just be you and your DH to both see and hold your baby and spend those first precious minutes/hours just your own little family? Bear in mind should you need a section for any reason, you'll only be allowed one person in the room, unless its an emergency to the point theres no time for an epidural to kick in and you have to be put to sleep when nobody is allowed in.
If you honestly want it to be a case of birth, quick check of baby then just you and DH, do that. Its better to regret your mum NOT being there, than to regret that she was. You can always call her and ask her to come to the hospital at any point after birth if you feel actually, you do want her there, she can bond with the baby any time, but you won't be able to go back and change it so it was just you, DH and your baby in those first minutes/hour etc.

EmeraldScorn · 05/02/2017 22:46

I understand why you don't want your mum at the birth but I don't understand why you can't allow her to contribute to a baby related purchase?

It doesn't matter if you don't need her financial help, she's the grandmother and if a one off "big" gift would make her feel appreciated and involved, there's surely no harm in it.

Involve her in small ways and then she won't feel like you're blocking her out!

Original poster

Sheilasfeels · 05/02/2017 22:46

Yes I think I need to have a chat with her, I'm just scared of her reaction. The main concern we have is that she won't be able to take a back seat in the labour room. She might be amazing, or she might panic at every groan I make, tell me I need things that I don't want, and take over. I really feel torn. If I had her there it would really be only to make her feel included and somehow give her something back, an important memory.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/02/2017 22:47

YANBU even if you decided that the best person to support you during labor was a random traffic warden.

You get to choose

Trifleorbust · 05/02/2017 22:47

"We would love you to meet the baby as soon as possible after he/she is born."

Just say that!

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/02/2017 22:48

have her at hospital but not in labour room etc, so once baby is here and you checked out etc, she can be the first one to meet baby

buying stuff, what does she wants to buy? cot?buggy? etc

let her buy something

this is her first grandchild

Oysterbabe · 05/02/2017 22:48

Just tell her that becoming parents is a special and private moment between you and your husband but that she'll be welcome as soon as you are up to visitors.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/02/2017 22:49

If you only want your husband there, then just have your husband.

You can tell her she is welcome to come down and meet baby at the hospital or whatever.

But during the birthing part you want it to be you and your husband.

I'd let her know now so she gets used to the idea.

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