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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/WWYD: Having my mum at the birth

103 replies

Sheilasfeels · 05/02/2017 22:30

Buckle in for a long one so as not to drip feed.

Background - I am an only child raised by a single mum. My granny was at my birth and was my second parent until she died. Then it was just me and mum. We've been through a lot, and have had a bumpy relationship with lots of terrible arguments, but have also been pretty codependant on one another. To the point that when I went away to uni my mum considered selling up and moving closer to my uni town. She has done amazing things for me, funded me through uni completely on her own, but she is also quite domineering. She'll tell me how to do things, I'll kick back because her advice is wrong for me, she'll keep on at me until I doubt myself and do things her way, which inevitably backfire and leave me kicking myself that I wasn't stronger.

The dilema - as I said my granny was at my birth. I think both me and mum assumed that if I ever gave birth it would just be me and her. However in a shocking turn of events I got married and now have a husband! Our first child is due in 5 weeks. We've thought about it long and hard, and we'd both be more comfortable if it was just the two of us at the birth, me and my husband. However, I think my mum would be crushed if she wasn't there. She is already angry because she wants to buy big things for the baby but we don't need her too, she feels we're blocking her out. This would just add to it.

So, aibu to just want my husband there? And wwyd, would you include her to prevent hurt and upset?

OP posts:
Beeblossombee · 06/02/2017 11:41

I am pregnant with my first baby and I have asked my sister to be at the birth along with my husband, as she already has two children.

My own logic is that I would like someone who has been through what I am going through to be there - that person can offer legitimate advice / reassurance and make sure I get things/information/help from hospital folk when I need it and fight my corner for me if I can't. She'll know better if I need sympathy or tough love and will hopefully also support my husband a bit.

My husband is more there to be involved with the birth of his own child and to support me, but I know that he'll mainly be upset he can't do anything to stop the pain and feel helpless - My sister had my mum at her first childs birth.

My mum has told me the same as she told my sister, that she will wait until she is invited to come see me at the hospital - if that is while I am in labour because I need her that's fine, but if it's when the baby is here, that's fine too, whatever I need - which is where a Mum should be pitching her support right now. She wasn't offended I asked my sister to be there either - she brought us up to be close and supportive to each other.

notinagreatplace · 06/02/2017 11:42

Having recently given birth - do NOT have anyone there you don't want to be there. And - in the nicest possible sense - don't listen to people who have great relationships with their mothers, they don't understand where you're coming from. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her overall but she's more intrusive than you'd like - letting her be at the birth will make that a lot worse.

Something I didn't properly get until after I'd given birth is that you not being comfortable and calm actually has an effect on how your labour progresses - you might well wind up with a longer and more difficult labour if you have her there when you don't want her to be there.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 06/02/2017 11:46

But just don't tell her when you go into labour. Call her after the baby is born and tell her it was just too quick and you were all too busy focusing on the labour etc.

NO need for a big announcement or decision now is there. You may even decide you want her there when you go into labour. You never know.

CatAnnoyance · 06/02/2017 11:55

I really feel for you OP as I'm in the same position. First baby is due any day now and I have said all along I only want my partner with me during the birth. I'm a private person anyway, unlike the rest of my family who share all sorts all over Facebook and group chats.

My mum is very much the "I WILL be there holding your hand, you're MY daughter" type person and I can't abide it.

I've told her numerous times I just want my partner there and she won't have it. "You'll be crying out for your mum when the time comes". Erm I don't think I will Hmm

I have decided I'm just not going to tell her when I go into labour and only contact her when the baby is here. It's the only way, as if she knows I have gone to hospital she will definitely turn up and start demanding to be let in. I don't need that added stress.

Do what YOU want. This time is about you and your partner and meeting your new baby, she will get over it once her beloved grandchild is in her arms! That's what I am telling myself.

Good luck with it!

cantseemtohaveitall · 06/02/2017 12:01

You have to be totally comfortable with your birth partner(s).
It is your labour, you will have plenty to focus on, you don't need any extra worry or concern regarding the other people who are in the room with you, or keeping them happy.
you need all of your energy, physical and emotional, to focus on yourself and getting through labour.
Just tell your mum that you have decided that you want DH to be your birth partner, and that you would love all the support that she can give you after the birth.
This is when my own Mum was invaluable - she wasn't at the birth, which I was really glad about, but was hugely supportive afterwards - looking after me (cooking, cleaning, emotional support etc), so that i could look after baby.

flipflap75 · 06/02/2017 12:02

If, OP, you're conscious of co-dependency and you don't want it to continue, this is the time to start asserting what you do want.

In my experience, having children when you and your mum already have boundary issues gives lots of opportunities for boundaries to be crossed even more than before. So you have to be conscious and start creating a 'new normal' for your relationship with your mum. I don't mean shutting her out or anything extreme - just doing what feels right for you, your husband and your child first, and involving your mum second.

trulybadlydeeply · 06/02/2017 12:12

OP, what stands out to me is that you say "in a shocking turn of events I got married and now have a husband!". Why is that shocking? Surely that is a common turn of events for a grown woman. I think this really reflects the relationship you have with your mum, and that she has conditioned you into thinking that it's only ever going to be you and her, and any other relationships are peripheral.

Only do what you and your DH feel comfortable doing. As others have said you need to start as you mean to go on, and your Mum needs to understand that she will be in the grandparent role (which is a lovely role!) and not be the "second parent" that her mother was.

dirtyprettything · 06/02/2017 12:15

I told my mum I didn't want her there and she still bloody turned up!
I know what she's like and it was in my notes that they weren't to let her in so not a lot she could do about it.

It ended up being an emcs so she couldn't have been there anyway.

minipie · 06/02/2017 12:26

YANBU

I had my mum at the birth but that was for entirely unplanned reasons!

In your shoes I would compromise - stand firm on the birth but promise your Dmum she will be the first visitor (once you are ready for visitors).

And let her buy something...

MichaelSheensNextDW · 06/02/2017 12:29

The fact that you're saying you're considering it because it would be nice for her speaks volumes. Labouring and birth is very much about you and you need to be receiving positive support, not trying (again) to meet her needs for intimacy. And the fact she was supported by her mother when having you is irrelevant, you don't have to decide something is a tradition for the sake of it and perpetuate it for that reason.

Missrubyring · 06/02/2017 12:36

I had my mum at the birth of my DS, I didn't regret it then but I do now as she keeps rewriting it, I keep having to ask my DP if what I thought happened actually happened as she was telling me otherwise. I did correct her once (after getting reassurance from DP) and she just said that I obviously wouldn't remember it correctly as I was in labour and out of it on painkillers (G&A)
All I know is she definitely isn't there for any future DC.
YANBU OP .... your birth, your baby, YOUR choice.

I8toys · 06/02/2017 12:37

YANBU - you do what you want.

I had my mum and Husband there - it wasn't an issue. She has said that it was the most amazing experience of her life watching her first grandchild be born.

Sidge · 06/02/2017 13:30

It's lovely that so many posters here are close to their mums and wanted them there, but probably don't understand that for those of us with less than ideal mothers, having her there could potentially ruin an already stressful time.

My mum and I aren't close. She's incredibly self-centred, and the whole world revolves around her and her needs. She's quite domineering and has a habit of making every situation, good and bad, all about her.

I had a planned section for DD1 as she was breech and made the mistake of telling my mum what date. She was waiting by the lifts when I came out of theatre and followed us back to my room. DH and I felt we couldn't tell her to bugger off, but she proceeded to completely take over and dominated what should have been a really special time for me and DH. I really regret not telling her to sod off and leave us alone. I appreciate she was excited at the arrival of her first grandchild, but my memory of DD1s birth is now overshadowed by her presence.

It still irritates me now and DD1 is 18 Grin

OP - do what makes YOU happy. Don't let your baby's arrival be clouded by the fog of obligation and guilt that you grew up with.

flipflap75 · 06/02/2017 14:07

"It's lovely that so many posters here are close to their mums and wanted them there, but probably don't understand that for those of us with less than ideal mothers, having her there could potentially ruin an already stressful time."

Spot on, Sidge.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 06/02/2017 14:08

OP I have a great relationship with my mum BUT I will just say.......

These threads always have loads of people going 'Ha ha, you will be so far gone you won't care if the England rugby team is watching, ha ha'.

This may be true for some people but IME not for many women. I was v aware of who was around when I gave birth - I had a strong preference for quiet, privacy, people leaving me alone, no strangers. A number of women I know from antenatal groups all have 'hilarious' birth stories about how 'And then a whole team of medical students entered whilst I was up in stirrups!!' but it's pretty obvious that they remember and are bothered by that.

I think it is safer to assume you are one of the women who WILL mind who is around, and plan accordingly. I am very very glad that DH and I were completely alone whilst I laboured as I felt very safe, able to do whatever I wanted without being judged or even just questioned, and I'm convinced that contributed to a speedy and easy birth.

strawberrypenguin · 06/02/2017 14:10

Labour and birth are not a spectator sport. Have who you are comfortable with and no one else. If you think she'll turn up anyway you can ask the midwife not to let her in. Also you don't have to tell her when you go into labour.

VocabularyLikeASailor · 06/02/2017 15:52

I think my mum was expecting to be at the birth of my DD as she had been when my younger sister gave birth. Me and OH only wanted it to be us two so when I went in labour we told no one till DD was born. She wasn't happy as she'd text me earlier in the day & I never mentioned it but I knew if I had she would of just shown up. It about you two & what you want. Good luck with the birth.

Highmaintenancefemalestuff · 06/02/2017 19:47

I had my DM at the birth of DC1. I really wanted MIL at the birth of DC2 as she only has boys, we were having a girl (unknown to her as she wanted it to be kept from her so it was a surprise) and I thought it may be her only chance to witness the birth of a grandchild. My DM didn't even consider that she wouldn't be invited to the big event so I felt like I couldn't say no. I massively regret it now and wished I had put my foot down for MIL to be there! If you don't want her there then stick to it. I think it's such an important, amazing moment in your life, you should have it just the way you want, even if it means upsetting your mum. This moment is yours and your DH's, not hers.

Chinnygirl · 06/02/2017 19:50

Birth is a medical procedure. She has no rights. You choose who you think should be there. Sod all hurt feelings. Its not about them.

Batteriesallgone · 06/02/2017 20:22

The last thing you need in labour is someone telling you how you should be doing things.

It doesn't sound like you want her there.

FWIW when I went into labour the first time I really strongly didn't want to tell anyone. DH pleaded to let him tell his parents - we knew we could trust them not to turn up but they are a close family and he wanted to tell them. I let him and yup it was fine. But no way did I want to tell any of my family or anyone who I thought might want to talk to me or intervene in any way.

It's a private thing and I felt that very very strongly.

Tabymoomoo · 06/02/2017 20:34

You need to be honest with her asap if your really don't want her to be there at all.

Although I would say if you're not sure then maybe a compromise, let her help during the early stages? I had both my mum and dh and had a long labour so they could both take a break, get something to eat etc and I was never left alone. Also when things went a little pear shaped just after baby arrived dh could concentrate on baby and my mum was there for me. It worked really well.

MrsPeelyWaly · 06/02/2017 20:40

It's lovely that so many posters here are close to their mums and wanted them there, but probably don't understand that for those of us with less than ideal mothers, having her there could potentially ruin an already stressful time

I understand that which is why Im very careful on these threads to explain how we did it without commenting on how others may want to do it

gameofchance · 06/02/2017 20:59

No way would I have had mum there during birth and I love her to bits. Each to their own. Don't understand all these comments about loads of medical personnel being in - this wasn't my experience

sdaisy26 · 06/02/2017 21:17

Do whatever you and your h want & feel most comfortable with.

Fwiw though, I didn't ask my mum to my first labour/birth because h really didn't want her there - felt it should be something just between the 2 of us & I understood & respected that.

We both asked her to be there second time though and valued her support so much (though I know she found some of it really hard as it was a bit touch & go in places). I wish now she'd been there first time too.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/02/2017 22:21

Let the woman buy something ! 😄 Maybe just remind her that she should know more than anyone how expensive it's going to be. Channel her energies into some token presents and a uni fund perhaps?

Re the birth. Her situation was very different from yours. That said many labours go on a long time (days) and you may change your mind or want her as your advocate if your husband tires. If you were running the marathon you'd want everyone cheering you on, though not in the labour ward obv.
Worst case having two adults on hand to accompany you to recovery and your child to NICU might be good.
So my advice is to be clear that under normal birth circumstances you two will go it alone and call her asap. But that she's first on call if things are looking tricky. No-one sane could object to that, publicly at least 😉
If she's still having a strop then probably best to assume that she is a) terrified for you or b) going to be a royal PITA and should be given a clear message about her role.