Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU/WWYD: Having my mum at the birth

103 replies

Sheilasfeels · 05/02/2017 22:30

Buckle in for a long one so as not to drip feed.

Background - I am an only child raised by a single mum. My granny was at my birth and was my second parent until she died. Then it was just me and mum. We've been through a lot, and have had a bumpy relationship with lots of terrible arguments, but have also been pretty codependant on one another. To the point that when I went away to uni my mum considered selling up and moving closer to my uni town. She has done amazing things for me, funded me through uni completely on her own, but she is also quite domineering. She'll tell me how to do things, I'll kick back because her advice is wrong for me, she'll keep on at me until I doubt myself and do things her way, which inevitably backfire and leave me kicking myself that I wasn't stronger.

The dilema - as I said my granny was at my birth. I think both me and mum assumed that if I ever gave birth it would just be me and her. However in a shocking turn of events I got married and now have a husband! Our first child is due in 5 weeks. We've thought about it long and hard, and we'd both be more comfortable if it was just the two of us at the birth, me and my husband. However, I think my mum would be crushed if she wasn't there. She is already angry because she wants to buy big things for the baby but we don't need her too, she feels we're blocking her out. This would just add to it.

So, aibu to just want my husband there? And wwyd, would you include her to prevent hurt and upset?

OP posts:

foxyloxy78 · 05/02/2017 23:49

I told mine clearly when i was pregnant that only husband would be present at birth. No way I would have any one else in there as well. It's not a show. Plus, its the dad's right. Also my mum would have stressed me out haha. Just be honest with your mum. She'll be fine.

Lunde · 06/02/2017 00:02

It sounds like you don't really want your mum there - the only reason you are considering it is that you are scared of her reaction if you say no! It does not sound like she will make a good birth partner if she has her own agenda.

I would stick with your original decision of having DH but let mum visit once the baby has arrived

Caterina99 · 06/02/2017 01:51

I only had DH at the birth. Right choice for us.

As for buying things - My mum does go a bit crazy with this as it's her first grandchild, so I get it can be annoying, but both my parents and my inlaws both bought a "big" present. One set got the pram and the other the cot. They offered. DH and I (well just me cos DH didn't really care) chose them and then they paid for them. This seems fairly normal amongst my friends, especially for a first grandchild. Even my grandad, late 80s with a small pension gave me some money to get something for the baby. He was delighted to have bought the Moses basket.

If your DH isn't that bothered then I'd turn it into a nice pram shopping trip or whatever with your mum. Enjoy a hot cup of tea and a leisurely lunch out. Your mum feels involved, but you get to chose what you want

user1467798821 · 06/02/2017 02:42

My DD was insistent that it was to be just her and her dp at the birth, and although I was disappointed I stood by what she wanted. Fast forward to going into proper labour and she was screaming " I want my mum now!" And was annoyed I wasn't waiting right outside her room. So as this is your first baby, don't cast anything in stone, you don't know how you're going to feel, but make it clear that she needs to stand by any decision you make and she will be one of the first visitors as soon as baby is born

Petal12 · 06/02/2017 02:52

Agree with poster above. Naturally assumed it would be just me and DH at birth. Nope! Upon reaching hospital at 6.5 cm dilated, all I really wanted was my mum. My DH was great but couldn't empathise like she could. She's also got years of experience "handling" me and on that occasion was my best and strongest advocate! Completely unplanned and not even really considered in pregnancy but when it came down to it I wanted my mum! At 29!!!

MrsBlennerhassett · 06/02/2017 02:54

I dont think you should have her there. This is a moment for you and your husband you need to bond as a new family. I personally think that if you can you should just have your husband there during a labour as you can bond so much going through that together as a couple that it sets you up for parenthood nicely.
If you really wanted her there it would be different but it doesnt seem like you do it seems like you just dont want to upset her. Dont sacrifice one of the most important experiences of your life just to keep the peace and not hurt someones feelings. Do what you actually want to do.
I agree with PP that maybe you should give her something to do or buy that is special so she feels like she is part of things?

Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2017 03:20

It never occurred to me for a micro minute to have my mum in the labour ward with me. I know with my own dd, if she wanted me, I would be there. But I would not expect it.

justilou · 06/02/2017 04:07

We "went into labor early" and had ours a few days before we'd said - just to avoid this exact thing.

Araminta99 · 06/02/2017 04:21

mrsblennerhassett not everyone bonds with their husband when going through labour! It is often the case that he is helpless and stressed and does not contribute at all.

Many women do like to have their Mum's with them as they can empathise with them going through labour. A man cannot fathom what it is like. I'd let her come to the hospital but let her wait outside then call her in if you want her.

I would definitely have wanted my Mum there with me.

Blackfellpony · 06/02/2017 06:17

My mum also got upset that I didn't want her and we aren't close at all
Apparently it's what mothers do. I just had to tell her straight that I didn't want her there.

In the end it was just DH and he was great. I think he would have been overshadowed by my mum and he was able to step up properly. I also felt it was something that should be shared between the two of us.

My mum got over it!

Nquartz · 06/02/2017 06:51

I think Lunde has it spot on, you're not considering having her there because you actually want her there.
Put your big girl pants on & be honest with her.
I also second letting her buy something, my ILs bought the Moses basket for DD because they wanted to get something big.

skerrywind · 06/02/2017 06:56

I guess we are all different.

I would have hated having my mother there. She panics at the slightest thing and is a huge drama queen, and would have made the situation unpleasant for me.

diaimchlo · 06/02/2017 07:35

Please talk to her and tell her that you appreciate that she would like to be with you whilst you are in labour but at this stage you feel that you would just like it to be you and your husband. But also say that it could change at any time, which tbh it really could.... and ask her if she could be on standby.

I have been at 4 of my DGC's births, at the 1st hearing my daughter cry "Mum" confirmed I should have been there. 2nd... well there's a story 4 hours after my DD was sent home from hospital supposedly not in labour, I delivered my beautiful DGD on my sofa, 3rd and 4th I was in the delivery room, gave support when asked but otherwise took a back seat.

I also have 2 other DGCs whose births I wasn't at, I respected their parents wishes and saw the babies soon after birth.

Please understand that it is, or was in my case, a time that a mother feels that she needs to be there for her DD to give support and empathy.

I hope every thing goes well. Xx

BabySnores · 06/02/2017 09:08

I didn't have mum with me during labour. I knew she'd fuss and be overwrought at my pain. She was at dsis 1 baby birth and was fantastic but that was because exbil is a useless loser and he took a complete backseat.

My dh and I are a team and anything else would have been an intrusion. I barely noticed the midwives until the end.

Let your mum buy some big things, and nappies and nappy wipes 😊. Tell her sooner than later that it will just be you and your dh.

mowglik · 06/02/2017 09:27

Can you ask your mum to be there but not in the delivery room? My mum wasn't supposed to be a birth partner, just my sister and DH but when dsis asked if she should bring my mum to wait outside as she was anxious I agreed and I did want her in the room when it got to proper labour.

Also let your mum buy some big things, it's DG way of trying to feel part of things.

Laiste · 06/02/2017 09:38

Sorry i've skimmed the thread and i expect this has been said but your labor is not the occasion for 'giving' anything to other people or returning favors OP

It's all about you and what you want and who you want with you. Include her in other ways and have the chat soon.

Be honest - tell her you realise she might be disappointed and that you are sorry. The subtext being '... but my decision still stands as my wishes in this situation have to come first'. Hopefully you wont have to actually say that bit.

Think of it as good practice for standing up for yourself as a new parent.

MrsPeelyWaly · 06/02/2017 09:46

I was at the births of all 6 of my grandchildren. Both my daughter and daughters in law asked me and with 3 of the wee ones my son in law was not present due to work. With my youngest grandchild my DIL's mum was there and it was beautiful to see her looking after her daughter whilst she was in labour. My son was also there. I was there because MIL speaks no English and was far away from home.

As for buying things? I grew up in a time and place when it was traditional for the grandparents to purchase the pram/cot/layette so I see no problem with granny-to-be buying a big item. With all of our grandchildren both sets of grandparents pretty much bought everything that was needed because it whats we do. We either went shopping together or handed over money instead. MY brother is about to become a grandad and he's already bought the nursery furniture whilst the other grandparents have bought the pram, car seat, and something else I can't remember.

NerrSnerr · 06/02/2017 10:07

I wouldn't assume every daughter wants their mum at the birth. I didn't for my first and won't for the one I'm expecting. I only want my husband- he knows my wishes for birth and for us it's very personal family time.

Notso · 06/02/2017 10:11

I really love my Mum dearly and we are very close but I'd rather labour alone than have her at the birth.
I was 19 when DC1 was born and I found it really patronising when the Midwives kept asking if my Mum was coming or did I want them to phone her, I felt like a kid with a grazed knee.

Its a family joke with DC3 that if DH had been any longer getting home it would have been FIL and a plumber who delivered him!

MrsPeelyWaly · 06/02/2017 10:28

I personally think that if you can you should just have your husband there during a labour as you can bond so much going through that together as a couple that it sets you up for parenthood nicely

Sadly there's many a man who hasn't been able to handle what they've seen in the delivery room and its all ended up far from being a bonding experience that set the couple up nicely for parenthood.

kel1234 · 06/02/2017 10:35

I only wanted my husband at the birth as I felt it was a private thing that should be kept just the 2 of us and my mum had a very weird view on natural birth and told me I should have demanded a c section instead, though there was no medical reason at all I needed one, and I wanted a natural birth. I let her come to the birth centre after to see us. So she was the next person to see us.

MyBreadIsEggy · 06/02/2017 10:43

YANBU to want it to be just you and your DH.
My second baby was born at home 15 weeks ago and my mum and DD were playing in my kitchen while I gave birth in my living room with just my DH. They met DS when he was about 10 seconds old because I was asking for my mum!

Ewock · 06/02/2017 11:03

Op it's your choice and what you feel comfortable with. My dh and dm were both present for the birth of dc1. It wasn't planned that way, when I asked dm to come to hospital with us it was agreed between us all that dm would atay for as long as I needed then leave when I felt the time was right. (That sounds harsh but we had a nice discussion about it all) However fast forward to waters breaking then 2 days of contractions which never established enough for labour, I was finally admitted and induced. My mum was an amazing support along with dh and I never sent her home! It didnt feel weird and my dh has said since that he was glad she was there as after my ds was born there were complications (me not ds) so my dh was able to focus on ds and my mum was able to stay with me. For us it worked but with dd my mum was looking after ds so it was me and dh and that was fine. Go with what ever you feel comfortable with.

Laiste · 06/02/2017 11:22

I have 4 DCs and wouldn't have wanted my mum there for any of them. I love her but she winds me up something chronic and that's the last thing you need when you're trying to give birth.

2 of my 3 adult DDs have said they would want me at the birth if/when they have kids. I was surprised and delighted and take it as a massive massive compliment. I'll be there with bells on if they still want me when the time comes. I wont be holding them to it though. It's their choice 100% and not for me to expect it of them at all.

Minimincepies · 06/02/2017 11:38

I was in labour for four days with DS and I'm not sure that my DH could have coped if it hadn't been for my amazing mum being there so they could take shifts at supporting me. They made a terrific team and my Mum has the most special bond with her grandson as she was the first person to see him come into the world (it was an emergency delivery in the end and DH has a phobia of needles and medical stuff in general so he didn't feel able to come into theatre, if Mum hadn't been there I'd have been alone).
However, labour can be a scary time and you want someone there who will support your decisions and back you up 100% and if you feel your mum will make you question your own instincts, impose or take over or in any way make you uncomfortable then absolutely you could ask her to be the first guest after recovery but leave the birth to you and your DH to handle.
I don't see the problem with letting her buy things for the baby though, babies need an alarming amount of stuff so as long as she wants to contribute things you actually need and she involves you in the selection of them then I'd say let her crack on!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread