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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU/WWYD: Having my mum at the birth

103 replies

Sheilasfeels · 05/02/2017 22:30

Buckle in for a long one so as not to drip feed.

Background - I am an only child raised by a single mum. My granny was at my birth and was my second parent until she died. Then it was just me and mum. We've been through a lot, and have had a bumpy relationship with lots of terrible arguments, but have also been pretty codependant on one another. To the point that when I went away to uni my mum considered selling up and moving closer to my uni town. She has done amazing things for me, funded me through uni completely on her own, but she is also quite domineering. She'll tell me how to do things, I'll kick back because her advice is wrong for me, she'll keep on at me until I doubt myself and do things her way, which inevitably backfire and leave me kicking myself that I wasn't stronger.

The dilema - as I said my granny was at my birth. I think both me and mum assumed that if I ever gave birth it would just be me and her. However in a shocking turn of events I got married and now have a husband! Our first child is due in 5 weeks. We've thought about it long and hard, and we'd both be more comfortable if it was just the two of us at the birth, me and my husband. However, I think my mum would be crushed if she wasn't there. She is already angry because she wants to buy big things for the baby but we don't need her too, she feels we're blocking her out. This would just add to it.

So, aibu to just want my husband there? And wwyd, would you include her to prevent hurt and upset?

OP posts:

Mungobungo · 05/02/2017 22:49

If you're not comfortable with her being there and don't feel that she would support you (or feel that she would stress you out), don't have her there. Your labour hormones are rather sensitive to stress hormones and the slightest ounce of adrenaline can cause all manner of trouble in labour.

I see that you've got two options:

be honest and gently tell her that you've decided that it'll just be you and dh but that she'd be the first to come visit as soon as you and baby are settled and comfortable (after first feed, shower etc). Or
you just don't call her when you're in labour, phone when it's over and tell her it all happened so fast that's you didn't get chance to call, although this won't work if you're induced as it can take a few days for induction.

I kind think honesty is the best thing here but maybe soften the blow in some way, hence the suggestion that she be first to visit or the only visitor while you're in hospital?

user1471446433 · 05/02/2017 22:50

Where are you planning to give birth? Round here if you give birth in hospital you can only have one person there. Check it might solve the dilemma for you!

Otherwise protected your birth space!! Go with your instinct about how you would be most comfortable.

Sweets101 · 05/02/2017 22:51

It's up to you really. And I don't know any of your relationships, but I was so relieved to have DM at all of mine. Apart from anything else it meant she could stay with me whilst DP stayed with baby (you never know how things might go) and DP got to hold my hand whilst I had stitches and it wasn't fucking number yet!! whilst DM cuddled the baby.
But if you don't want the extra support you need to tell her.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/02/2017 22:51

I want to just clarify i wasn't suggesting birth won't go well, just that if you have both there and for some reason you can't deliver naturally you'd have to choose only one of them to be in the room for section. Whilst from the sounds of it you'd choose your husband, she'd be there face to face and would be visibly disappointed and might try to pressure you or make some hurtful comment she won't be able to take back later.

Original poster

Sheilasfeels · 05/02/2017 22:52

Thanks everyone, you've helped me get a different perspective on this. She has bought little things like outfits and blankets, but I hadn't let her buy anything big because I always feel I need to be independent after everything she's done for me, but I'll rethink that and try to think of something special she could buy that we don't have.

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 05/02/2017 22:54

And I'd also let her buy something for the baby if she wants to give her a list of essentials you need and let her choose what she wants to buy.

My mil wants to shop for our baby I asked her to hold fire earlier on as I've had a series of miscarriages but she is more than welcome to buy baby bits nearer the time. It's really kind and generous of her.

LexieLulu · 05/02/2017 22:54

You never really know how labour is going to go anyway! My last labour took 61 hours (due to scarring after a colposcopy), which no one had warned me would happen.

Would you really want your mum there for days on end if it's not a straight forward labour?

It probably will go without a hitch, but if it doesn't do you think your mum would be a benefit to you?

RacoonBandit · 05/02/2017 23:01

I had mum and DH at my first birth.

It was a very positive experience. It was a long labour and they could have a break and grab a coffee while the other stayed with me so I wasn't alone.
Because mum had obviously done it before I found her experience very calming and reassuring.

DH said afterwards that having my mum there was a great support for him too as he was nervous scared shitless

MidniteScribbler · 05/02/2017 23:01

It's up to you who you want there.

But if she's really going to get upset, could you just say she can be there, then not tell her when you go into labour and ring her afterwards? "So sorry mum, it all happened too quickly and there was no time. Here, meet your grandchild."

Sweets101 · 05/02/2017 23:06

If you lie about how long the birth was etc are you going to be able to keep it up forever? People often get verbal diarrhoea over their births, I think lying to her, even if you wanted to, might be difficult?

LexieLulu · 05/02/2017 23:07

Yeah, my husband said he felt helpless and petrified during my first labour. Maybe that's were your mum could help?

NotMyPenguin · 05/02/2017 23:07

I thought that I'd just want my birth partner there when I had DD, but it turned out that when active labour started I really wanted my mum, who was a big support!

Could you ask her to be around for you and see how you feel about who you want with you?

VeritysWatchTower · 05/02/2017 23:07

I think it is telling in your opening when you say

"kicking myself that I wasn't stronger."

You clearly can't stand up to your Mum, so in labour you rely on your partner somewhat to speak up for what you want. This is what your Dh is for. You discuss what you want and don't want and your Dh advocates for you.

Your Mum could over-ride your decisions if you are in pain and not thinking straight.

My own Mum wanted to be at the births of her grandchildren. My sister was the first to have a child. My Mum was upset about not being in there but my sister said, she will just take over. Which is true. I didn't have her at the birth of my children either for the same reason.

Do not do it.

NotMyPenguin · 05/02/2017 23:08

Weirdly, a good friend of mine decided when she went into labour that she really didn't want her husband in the room. Although they are the most amazing happy couple, she felt she couldn't relax and labour properly in front of him, and she wanted to be surrounded by women only.

seventhgonickname · 05/02/2017 23:13

I let my mum choose the teddy bear,you don't get to choose a more important.thing like that.

dontpokethebear · 05/02/2017 23:17

I was 19 when I had dc1 and I really wanted my best friend with me, but my mum kicked up a stink.
Fortunately whilst in labour my brilliant (and bossy) midwife picked up on how unhappy I was having my mum their and swiftly dispatched her to the relatives room.

Whilst I love my mum dearly, I just don't have that sort of relationship with her.

If you don't want her there, make yourself heard. Don't be pushed into something you don't want.

ArriettyClock1 · 05/02/2017 23:23

To me - it was an intimate, special experience for me and my husband. I can't imagine wanting my mum there and my husband would have felt unhappy about it, for sure.

My sister had my mum there and my mum hated every second of it.

Your mum does sound very domineering.

tiredofhavingtothinkofnewnames · 05/02/2017 23:28

1st birth- DH and DM. DB there until final push- then at door looking through window (and chatting up nurses). DF in corridor- not looking through door. About 10 hours but about 6 after stuff stared happening.

2nd birth DH, DM, DMI. DFiL (I think he left at crucial point but honestly not sure) . About 4 hours from arriving at hospital (being told not in labour!) and giving birth.

When it come to it i honestly don't think you will notice who is there for not. It might be long and a relay is a good idea- most of it is pretty boring.

DB bought Macdonalds for the entire team (nurses, doctors, DH but not me!) and ended up dating one of the nurses afterwards. He wasn't meant to be there (after 4 days after waters broke I ended up being rushed in for 3rd time and he got there before DH and rest of family ) but was great in the end. He also moved my car from expensive short term parking to on street after 6pm etc

jobanana · 05/02/2017 23:28

Have to say I am absolutely with Blondes have more fun on this one ...

Your mum wants to be there I would imagine as much for you as for the baby. She wants to be part of this amazing thing. I get the idea you feel that - you don't want to cut her out, but you don't want her dominating (as I'm sure your husband doesn't). I agree the best idea would be to let her be part of the drama, of coming to the hospital and being near - but just tell her the truth. Ask her to support and help.

And yes, omg, please let her buy something. Let her love you and the baby and show that - let her be involved. You will need so many things - maybe you're very well off and don't need her help, but it's kind of nice to have your mum want to and be able to buy something for you and your baby. It's a present.

Even her wanting to be at the birth is that, too. I think get her in the waiting room, and depending on how your labour goes, wander out to see her sometimes. You never know - you might be glad to see her.

jobanana · 05/02/2017 23:31

I had husband there for first baby, Mother in law for second. Have to say mother in law was unbelievable - utterly fantastic.

You won't know how you feel until it all happens. Plans quite often just go out the window. See how you feel.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 23:34

I totally agree with the thoughts of so many posters, especially comments from PurpleDaisies, dontpokethebear, Blondeshavemorefun, jobanana and ArriettyClock1

Just tell her straight, you and your dh have talked and you would like it to be just the two of you at the birth - and your mum will be welcome to come as soon as she can after the birth has happened.

Don't talk about logistics etc because that is not the issue and if she were to come to the hospital then of course she would be hanging around in a waiting room so logistics would be just the same.

Just for the record I think to lie to her about it, or pretend you have not gone into labour would be a very hurtful thing to do, quite disrespectful to her.

I'd also let her buy whatever she wanted (assuming she can afford it).

Orangebird69 · 05/02/2017 23:39

I'm close to my mum. Love her very much and she's done so much for me. But there's no way I wanted her in the delivery room with me. I didn't even want her (or anyone else) waiting in the hospital whilst I was giving birth. Both sets of parents were told not to come to the hospital until.we said they could. Which was in hindsight a goof thing because although I gave birth at 2pm, I wasn't remotely fit for visitors til 7pm. It's an enormous event for you OP. You make sure you have it EXACTLY as you want. You don't need any further pressure adding to giving birth!

nelipotter · 05/02/2017 23:40

There's a part of me that would be so grateful for a good strong woman in the room at that point - especially if you develop a birth plan and she is willing to advocate for that for you. Nurses and doctors can railroad over a woman's wishes when she is vulnerable... That said, if she's on her own agenda it won't help. Make sure that your DH is ready to advocate - hard. Or find a midwife/ female friend to take up that mantle.

Orangebird69 · 05/02/2017 23:40

Good, not bloody goof!

tiredofhavingtothinkofnewnames · 05/02/2017 23:49

I ended up unexpectedly at the birth of a colleague -who I didnt know that well.

She was admitted early to hospital. Her and DH had no family nearby. I dropped in with stuff from work (she was in for observation). He popped home to get stuff whilst I was there with her and the it all kicked off. Lasted about 20 hours and I stayed with her on shifts with her DH.

They had a perfect birth plan , as did I with both of mine. I don't know anyone who followed their birth plan.

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