To be shm after children are at school

[Notthinkingclearly]

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

My kids are all at school and I'm still at home most of the time. I'm self-employed and earn a tiny fraction of what DH does in his job. He's often away overnight and is rarely home before 7pm - me working full time just wouldn't work for our family.

This week alone I have one child at the opticians, one having braces fitted and another performing in the local theatre - all within regular working hours. And that's without the usual ferrying around to tennis/dancing/Scouts/Brownies/drama.

You don't have to justify your choices to anyone - and don't put much store in the doomsayers who predict your impending divorce and financial ruin. Not all husbands are financially abusing their wives while simultaneously eyeing up the next model.

You shouldn't have to justify your lifestyle to anyone, it's none of their bloody business.

I sometimes daydream about being a SAHM. DH works away often and is self-employed so generally his business has to come first when it comes to working hours. I pick up the lion's share of the childcare/juggling because I teach so it fits around my work. I love my job but on crappy days when I'm racing up and down fetching DCs to judo and guitar lessons and trying to work out if the dog will have peed on the kitchen floor when we arrive home with one of the DC's mates for a playdate I dream that I will quit my job, order the whole house and become the parent I always imagined I'd be.

You don't have to justify your family set-up to anyone. If it works and you're happy, carry on regardless. As a Mum who chooses to work I've had folk say to me "I don't know how you can do it, juggling everything, aren't you tired?" Yes, Margaret, I'm fucking exhausted but if I gave up my job I'd have to explain to DH that I spent a month's salary on gin and eyeliner and he'd shout "what the fucking fuck" like he did when the cat pissed up his golf clubs.

You can't win. If you go out to work people will judge, if you stay at home people will judge. Let them judge and just make yourselves happy.

If anyone thinks I should be working then I'd invite them to do the school run for me, cover sick days, school holidays and take my dc to appointments so that I can go to work!
Most of us do this and work.

YANBU. I had to go back to work when I got divorced when the kids were 5 & 10 & it's been really hard. Work does not support sick days for your kids, no matter what they say (worked at a woman-centred private place & a few union public sites). You're home after The kids and some nights after picking up shopping. You're knackered all the time & can't go to day time school events. No-one at work gives a shot about your kids. I feel I had to let the kids down so often to be able to buy food & keep our home. Fucking nightmare. You rock on, sweetie. I would have stayed home, baking and keeping the house & garden nice if I could have.

You dont have to justify your situation to anyone. Each to their own to make the decision that is right for them and their family.

BUT, what's certain to wind people up is if you start claiming that you basically have such a busy exhausting life doing laundry and running a house. You know, the sort of things all parents do regardless of their career choice.

You do what is right for you and your family. You are a team. You can't think negatively, it will just make you miserable. Be happy and make the most of your lot, your family.

Err,of course I'm expressing my own moral/behavioural standards.we all do that
That's how the whole mn thang works.op invites opinion,strangers respond
given that op invited opinion,I'm not alone in offering my opinion.shes not compelled to agree

GimmeeMoore "Err,of course I'm expressing my own moral/behavioural standards.we all do that"

Yes, sorry, I know we all do that! Badly worded response, forgive me.

Maybe I phrased my response in a bit of a hurry! What I should have said is "I am not sure why you would have a problem with someone not working outside the home when they don't want to and their dh doesn't want them to either?"

I know you are entitled to your opinion, of course.

I guess I am just surprised. Plus I think there is an assumption everyone will love work outside the home to the same degree. My friend is a stay at home dad with children older than the OP's, I would just find it really strange to suggest he should work outside the home when he and his wife have chosen for him not to.

And by the same token for the OP to be made to feel it is somehow wrong for her to be a stay at home mum.

Why is it wrong? That should have been my question!

" . I pick up the lion's share of the childcare/juggling because I teach so it fits around my work"
I thought teaching wasn't that family friendly? Or do you not teach in a school?

If you don't want to work, then dont work, and enjoy your free time. There's no point not working and feeling guilty about it. Enjoy it.

But be honest with yourself. It is doable to work when you have DCs, because MANY people do do it. Kids can go to afterschool club ( and for the most part, the cost of this isn't prohibitive), cleaners can be employed.

I work full time, and am always very busy. It's not necessarily a relaxing way to live, and I certainly don't want to be working this hard for the next 25y. But it CAN be done, it's possible, just requires a hell of a lot of organisation. And I don't blame anyone for not wanting to do it (there are many days when I'd love to Jack it all in).

However, my advice to people preDCs would be to play the long game. If you do want to have a career atsome point in the future, don't become a SAHM, facilitate your DHs career to go stellar, reach a point where you are doing everything for house and DCs, and then persuade yourself that you are irreplaceable in your role of cleaner and after school child care. Focus on career parity and even more importantly parity in the home.

Most of us do this and work.

Out of interest what job do you have that allows you to drop off at 8:40 pick up at 3:20 and have time off every other week?

But be honest with yourself. It is doable to work when you have DCs, because MANY people do do it.

Very true.

You can't say, 'I can't work because I'm soooo busy volunteering and I'm on the PTA'. You can say, 'I don't work because DH works long hours and that's the choice we've made together.'

I think what digital meant was that working with children at school is not out of the ordinary. They get there and they get home again.

I think it is quite hard going from parenting solo to parenting as part of a team and back again. messes with the routine.

If you and your husband are both happy with this decision then it's no one else's business. Who is making you feel spoilt and lazy,?

To say you can't work due to the kids is probably not s good justification that many will buy, as millions do it. Yes it can be a struggle at times, but that's life.

If you don't want to work, just be honest and say you don't want to work and if your husband is happy with this, then there is no issues.

First of all OP, who is actually asked by you to justify this?

Do you actually care what they think? If yes, then by all means explain. Once. Then End Of.

But secondly OP, your set up sounds dreadful.
You never go out except to the bloody supermarket? You never sit down except for lunch?
What are you actually doing? Please don't say chores. I know far too many women who seem to spend their entire lives doing chores.

Sorry, but that's not a life worth living!

Do what is best for you.

BUT the warnings about lack of financial independence are not just scare stories. It is a very real risk you are taking. If you are unmarried, it is an idiotic risk because you will be left in poverty if your relationship breaks down unless you have a source of income. If you are married, things are a bit better, but courts do not tend to make long-term maintenance orders anymore. Pension-wise, even if you get a share of your husband's pension (they CAN divide pensions on divorce btw), unless you and he are close to retirement when you split, you won't get much that way either.

Getting back to a well-paid career after a very long time at home is extremely difficult.

None of the many many SAHMs who get divorced each year thought that their marriage would/could break down. If you are happy with that risk, take it. Some will be fine, others won't be. Luck of the draw which category you will fall into.

Out of interest what job do you have that allows you to drop off at 8:40 pick up at 3:20 and have time off every other week?

Ummm childminder or other wraparound care? Flexi/condensed hours? Is your child really sick every other week? If so his/her education will suffer with so many absences.

So many parents work full time and have children.

I'm a SAH to older kids. I walk, play sports, meet friends for lunch. The evenings i rarely go out, that's for ferrying the kids around or for the husband to go to the gym etc. It's a nice relaxed life but beware the downsides Op.

I do know i'll be a bit fucked possibly if we split. It can affect your self esteem to a degree. Not sure how employable i am now. I miss out on the work camaraderie and the friends/social life i could have had though i have that through my sports to a degree. Pros and cons. I wouldn't advise it for any young girls or young women though.

I'm a sahm with two children aged 9 & 12 one of the dc is disabled and attends special school, there is no option of childcare out of school hours so we took the decision that I would continue to be a sahm.
It works for us as a family. Our financial situation is stable and we live according to our means. We have more family time at weekends because shopping, errands etc are done throughout the week. I have an active life outside the home as a school governor and I volunteer at some local community projects.
If it works for your family then don't let others make you feel guilty - it's your choice to make and none of their business - many will be jealous!

I am a SAHM to a 3 year old and a baby. We don't any family around here and DH works away a lot, for spells of up to 4 months at a time. Something that I've realised is that I am so important to my children's emotional stability. With one parent going away so often, it's my job to make sure they still feel secure. I've thought a lot about what I'll do when they're at school. One thing I'd like to minimise is time in childcare (before/after school and in the holidays). I would hate for their dad to be spending lots of time away, me to be spending lots of time at work and for them to be spending lots of time feeling a little abandoned.

What people forget also, is that, if I want to start a keep fit class, I can't. DH is away so often I can't commit to any regular classes or hobbies. I can't even go to the hairdressers as I'd need to drag the children along. I literally put my eldest to bed at 6.39 and then I'm confined to my house, on my own, every single night. If DH was here, I'd either have his company in the evenings or I could go to a class or go out for drinks with friends etc. These are things I don't have the luxury of for months at a time. If being a SAHM allows you some time to do things for yourself, to have a hobby, to take care of the house and to support your children through health issues. If it gives them security since their father comes and goes but they know you're always there. If it works financially, then that's what is right for your family. You are definitely not BU.

YANBU

Although it reads like you are finding excuses to justify your your choice.

If you really wanted to work you'd find a way. Great. You really don't, also great.

The other thing I think sometimes people forget is, even with school age children, they still need looking after before school starts and after it finishes- it can be hard to find a job that fits into school hours, or childcare before/after school and in the holidays can end up costing more than what some people would earn

This. I think the whole 'SAHM until the kids start school' assumption is a weird one.

Being a SAHM wasn't an option for me, and I've worked more or less full time since each of my kids was around 7-8 months. The nursery years were so much easier from a logistical standpoint, although more expensive. And if you have good childcare in which you feel confident, I think your kids need you around every day less than when they're older.

I'll be honest and say that, since DS1 started school, I've wished that I could consider staying at home for a few years. The school system is jut not set up for families with two working parents, and ours is particularly bad - phonics briefing at 2pm on a Wednesday, parents' 'evening' from 3.30 to 5.30, lots of parent-centric activities during the day. We're lucky enough to work flexibly so we have one or two afternoons a week at home. But I'd be lying if I said that working during the school years isn't a fuckload tougher than working in the nursery years.

It is true that the logistics of primary school aged DC can be very challenging. Full-service prep schools with a large range of on site activities are one (expensive) solution but not accessible to most families and they still leave long school holidays.

I've recently become a SAHM. Last year I had a temporary FT contract. DS1 was in reception, DS2 in nursery. DH works long hours on a decent salary that we can live on, and frequently goes away at short notice. We have no local back-up. My DCs were spending nearly 50 hours a week in childcare. I had work to do before work and after bedtime. I ended up bringing DS1 to my afternoon classes when his class was on strike. We were all knackered. The costs of time and energy simply didn't outweigh the benefit of working.

Since DS2 had been a baby, I'd worked P/T, that was managable, and both DCs were in nursery. Unfortunately P/T jobs are rarely advertised and I wasn't in a permanent position to negotiate my hours down.

DS1 found the more relaxed structure of nursery much easier than breakfast club/ school/ after school club. Not working means he can do extra curricular activities and that we're not in an exhausted heap at the weekends trying to catch up.

For each family there are different costs and benefits. For me, the worthwhile job is so specific it's pretty much non-existent! It makes sense for our family to put DH's job first, but the nature of his job restricts what is practical for me to do that enhances family life. For my friend, the reliability of her income outweighs the costs of her time. We have different needs

Since I stopped working, we are all happier and more relaxed. We have long term plans regarding post retirement income.

If I had to, I could step into supply work within weeks, but right now, not working is best for our family.