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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
Zanymummy · 13/02/2017 01:22

One thing that needs addressed is the price of child care in some areas which prevents some women returning to work if their DH works abroad or in the forces, In my area a modest salary would be wiped out by child care and transport costs alone, also a limited support network for inservice days/illness etc would bring me into conflict with any employer (especially with some employers idea of flexible shift patterns) and I can fully understand why some women like me are SAHM but do admire those that can juggle career and family.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/02/2017 01:23

I completely agree, and nearly pointed out the same thing myself.

Obviously, most SAHPs do a bit more childcare than the majority of WOHPs, but we are all bringing up our children.

BoboChic · 13/02/2017 01:40

Parents do not do childcare. Childcare is an outsourced activity.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/02/2017 01:52

Of course parents do childcare, even if they don't want to call it that. They care for their children. Some parents care for their children all the time, some parents share the care between them, some share it with other family members and some outsource a bit of it.

And yes, parents also bring up their children, but that's different, as you have rightly pointed out. What is your point, exactly?

BoboChic · 13/02/2017 01:58

Parents do not do childcare. The interaction between a parent and a child is qualitatively completely different to the interaction between a childcare professional and a child. The point is that SAHPs have much greater leverage on the upbringing of their children by virtue of spending more time with them. For some DC that's not a good thing - if their parents are poor role models with few emotional or social or language schools, the potential for greater leverage is wasted. Those DC may well be better off at a childcare setting.

BoboChic · 13/02/2017 01:58

skills

Brokenbiscuit · 13/02/2017 03:05

I disagree that parents do not do childcare, but that's just an argument about semantics.

For what it's worth, I don't believe that I had any less "leverage" over my dd's upbringing than a sahp, because I was still the one making decisions about who would care for her, how she would be cared for etc. Just as the parents of older children make decisions about how to educate their children and so on. I appreciate that I was fortunate enough to be able to afford choices that wouldn't be open to everyone, but equally, as you've said, some sahps will be better equipped to nurture their dc at home than others. There will always be individual differences.

As it happens, I think the small amount of paid childcare that my dc did have was invaluable, in that it added an additional dimension that neither dh nor I could have offered. Our amazing nanny brought her own dd to our home with her, and her daughter became like an older sibling to my dd, who is an only child - I could never have replicated that relationship had I stayed at home. DD also benefited from learning the nanny's native language (which dh and I also speak by virtue of having lived in the nanny's country previously) and also from her wonderful musical and artistic talents - much greater than mine our dh's!

However, the nanny was only in our house for around four hours every morning. Typically, dd was often asleep for a couple of those hours, so it was only a very small part of her day, and the rest of the care was shared between dh and me, working opposite "shifts". That wasn't the way it had to be, but it was the way that we chose to arrange our lives at the time.

Our nanny wasn't a childcare professional, but the friend of a friend, chosen specifically because her values and beliefs about raising children were in accordance with our own. She developed an incredibly strong bond with our dd and still travels 200+ miles to visit her each year, more than 8 years after we moved away from where we were living. We also travel the other way, and they speak on Skype regularly. Is the bond between her and dd as strong as the bond between me and dd? No, of course it isn't, but I will remain eternally grateful for the fact that dd has such a close and trusting relationship with another adult who cares about her. Not to mention the bond that she has with the nanny's dd, which has surprised all of us by surviving a move half way across the country.

We haven't had to use paid childcare since moving all those years ago, as dh and I were both able to work flexibly enough to cover the school runs and holidays between us, with my parents stepping in as and when needed. She has a wonderful relationship with my mum and dad, and now chooses to go to their house a couple of days after school each week, even though dh could be at home if she didn't. (If dh wasn't home, would that count as childcare in your opinion, I wonder?)

It seems from your posts that you are trying to suggest that wohps are somehow less involved in "bringing up" their dc than sahps. I disagree.

You also seem to be suggesting that (unless a child's parents are what you describe as "poor role models"), children will be better off at home with a parent. I assume that's why you believe that there is "inherent virtue" in being at home with the children. Again, I disagree.

Some children will be better off with a parent, undoubtedly. Others will do just as well in a childcare setting. Some, like my dd, will benefit positively from what a high quality childcare arrangement has to offer. That isn't because I lack the linguistic or emotional skills to interact with my dd effectively. It is simply that children sometimes benefit from developing relationships with different people who are able to offer different things. I accept that it is also important for children in the early years to develop a secure attachment to their primary caregiver, but that doesn't mean that they have to be with that person 24/7.

Everybody's situation is different. It is bit possible to generalise.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/02/2017 03:09

Impossible, not a bit possible! Flipping auto-correct!

FaerieDusting · 13/02/2017 06:54

I'm a single parent and a month ago changed from part time work to full time work. This means the kids are in childcare before and after school.
I miss them lots as weekends are the only proper time to spend with them. However the wage I now get makes our life easier because we now have money spare to do nice things at the weekend and I'm not as stressed all the time over meeting the bills now.

I would hate to be a sahm because I'd get bored and feel lazy. Yet after working all day I seem to have more energy to do housework etc.

Not everyone has the option to sah, but I don't think those who do should be judged. We all balance life differently and that's fine as ultimately we all decide what we feel is right for our own children.

And to the poster who was asking about half term and sickness. I pay a huge whack in childcare over the school holidays and use my annual leave for half term only.
When the children are ill I have no choice but to take time off work which I don't get paid for. But I chose to have kids so I accept this as part of life and budget for it accordingly.

Sixgeese · 13/02/2017 08:41

It is up the each family to decide what is best for them and we shouldn't judge each other.

Most of the PTA committee in my DCs school are working parents. I help a lot but not on the committee.

I am a SAHM with 3 school age DC, DH works 2 jobs and is a magistrate and we have found it hard for me to fit work around him as one of the jobs is a weekend / evening job but the days change weekly. He doesnt want to give it up as he has done it for over 20 years and he loves it (he is now the senior steward supervisor for a premier league football team)

But am I lazy? No, I do all the school runs, the after school clubs, the house work. Then last week, Monday I helped at the local foodbank, Tuesday, helped on school trip, wednesday, walked a neighbours dog / looked after a sick school friend of my DD whos parents work, Thu school called me at 9.20am to pick up school friend again Fri Dog walk and babysit two kids every week afterschool.

So people looking in might think I am lazy and I definately don't bring any money into the house hold but it works for us.

Catlady1976 · 13/02/2017 08:53

O yes I hate the idea that a Sah is lazy.
In my house dh gets himself up and drives to work. He does he 40 hours and drives home. Apart from that he does sod all.
OK he plays with them, pays the bills, maybe cooks one meal a week and loads the dishwasher once a week.
I do everything else including every bedtime and night waking.

Catlady1976 · 13/02/2017 08:56

Plus I am studying to improve my employability when I do return to work. Dh will either have to step up or ship out at that point.

NataliaOsipova · 13/02/2017 09:52

It is up the each family to decide what is best for them and we shouldn't judge each other

This is it in a nutshell. Everyone's circumstances are different and so people make their decisions based on that. End of. DH and I have our own view of the world and what's important to us. We can easily afford to finance that life, so that's our choice. If we couldn't, we'd reassess and do something different. How anyone else chooses to conduct themselves or care for their children is, to be honest, of very little interest to me....and I'd be surprised if ours was of any interest to them. It certainly wouldn't be any of their business.

BoboChic · 13/02/2017 11:30

brokenbiscuit - obviously if you have four family members (parents and two maternal grandparents) to bring up one child you are not going to need to outsource much childcare. Most people in Western Europe don't have that sort of adult:child ratio and therefore have a very different equation to work with that requires greater trade offs. Lucky you to have your parents picking up your pieces - but it's not an example of why two WOHPs is perfectly acceptable in all circumstances and has no repercussions on upbringing.

RhodaBull · 13/02/2017 12:07

Reading Brokenbiscuit's post has finally broken me. I'm off to do some vacuuming. Not only am I a lazy SAHM, but I've totally failed the dcs by not employing a wonderful nanny to enrich their lives. As for having no grandparents - aaagh, let me go and beat myself with a hoover attachment.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/02/2017 12:28

it's not an example of why two WOHPs is perfectly acceptable in all circumstances and has no repercussions on upbringing.

It was not intended to be an example of why two WOHPs are perfectly acceptable in all circumstances and has (sic) no repercussions on upbringing. I am not trying to make that case.

Undoubtedly, there will be circumstances where having two wohps is not "perfectly acceptable". Equally, there will be circumstances where having a sahp is not perfectly acceptable either - even when the sahp does not fit into the category of "poor role model" that you outlined above. Take my mother, for example - she was a fantastic parent in many ways, but being a sahp had a negative impact on her mental health and this, in turn, had a negative impact on our well-being as children. In our particular circumstances, we'd have been better off had she been able to go back to work.

My point was not to argue that one approach is inherently better than another (which seemed to be the position that you were taking), but merely that you can't make blanket statements about whether it's inherently better to have a sahp or not. It all depends on the circumstances. And while I appreciate that I'm very lucky that both DH and I can work flexibly, and that I have two loving parents who want to be involved, I know many families who find creative ways of ensuring that their children are happy and well cared for. Lots have family help from parents, siblings and so on. I know many couples who both work flexibly and share a lot of the care. And many who find paid childcare that is exactly in line with what they want for their children. None of these parents are opting out of "bringing up" their own children, and it is actually quite offensive for you to suggest this.

As for my parents "picking up my pieces"? WTF, how rude! That isn't how we see it at all, and I don't think it's how they saw it when they chose to move across the country to be near their granddaughter. We managed for the first five years of dd's life without having grandparents nearby, so we don't see the close relationship that she has with them as a way of filling in any gaps, but rather as a means of adding joy to her life and theirs. And it's a reciprocal arrangement - DH and I "pick up their pieces" in many ways too, and I anticipate that we will increasingly do this as they get older. Thankfully, we don't see family help in that sort of light.

I assume that you home school your dc, bobo, so that you don't have to "outsource" any aspects of your dc's upbringing to the school? It must be difficult to feel that you have to do absolutely everything yourself.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/02/2017 12:32

Rhoda, I certainly haven't called anyone lazy, and I'm not suggesting that everyone should have a nanny either. I'm merely making the point that parental care isn't the only positive choice, and that a reasonable amount of paid childcare need not be damaging. I'm not sure why this should "finish you off"?

BoboChic · 13/02/2017 12:40

brokenbiscuit - you should probably stop aggravating your case by detailing just how spoiled you are Wink

Brokenbiscuit · 13/02/2017 12:54

I am lucky, I don't doubt that. I'm not sure what you mean by "aggravating my case".Confused Does it bother you to know that my dc hasn't suffered as a result of my career?

For what it's worth, I know very few families who have relied on full time paid childcare, so I don't think it's necessarily "the norm" to do this - not in my circles, anyway. Most people have used a mixture of paid care, family care and flexible working to balance the needs of their families with the demands of their careers. I can only think of a handful of kids who were in childcare settings full-time.

Now that the dc are older, I don't think there are any sifgnificant differences between those who had sahps and those who had wohps, and as far as I know, the research backs this up - the outcomes are not better for one group than for another. There are so many different variables involved. What really matters is that children have loving, caring parents who want to do what's best for them.

BoboChic · 13/02/2017 13:05

It would be pretty extraordinary if your DD had suffered with four adults there to bring her up Wink. Your circumstances are very unusual and privileged.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/02/2017 14:24

No more privileged and unusual than those families who are wealthy enough to have a SAHP without having to make significant financial sacrifices.

TBH, while our particular circumstances are fortunate, it really isn't that unusual for people to mix and match flexible working options with support from family and friends. For example, one of my colleagues works part time and swaps childcare with her sister. Another has her DC looked after by her in-laws. A third works opposite hours to her DH so that they can share the care between them, with occasional help from the child's godmother. My single mum friend used to leave her girls with me before school in the mornings.

There are so many ways in which people organise their lives. There is no one best way.

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