Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
GimmeeMoore · 05/02/2017 21:47

Genuinely am baffled at this notion of have kids,never work again.become housewife
The children never see mum work,you never earn your own money,reliant wholly on man

lalalalyra · 05/02/2017 21:47

As long as you've thought about and covered the eventualities if anything goes wrong then who cares what people think?

I have no intention of going back to work. We have no mortgage. I have a pension. As a 'well if he leaves and takes his salary with him' precaution there is a chunk of savings solely in my name (basically what I'd earn in one year in my previous term time job - those perfect jobs everyone talks about pay shit). I also, although I would still be a sahm without it, have a small income from a rental property.

As long as you've thought through all of the pros and cons then it's entirely up to you. I found it easier to work when my kids were at nursery than primary school. Maybe once they are all at secondary/left school I might change my mind, but we don't need me to work, we have a lifestyle we are happy with and it works for us - which is all that matters imo.

Pension is important though - make sure you both have one.

EveOnline2016 · 05/02/2017 21:47

I couldn't do my part time job without DH shift pattern and MIL stepping in on the days we are both earlies.

My dc are both in school and when I'm not working a weekday I dedicate that to housework so it frees up the weekends that I am not working as family time.

I suspect with your DH working away so much that when he is home you don't want to be diving off to work and want to spend as much time together as a family, before he goes back to work.

lalalalyra · 05/02/2017 21:49

I also don't mind that my younger kids won't see me work. They see me happy and see that I've worked hard before to now live the life I want to live - I think that's a far better example to set them than 'mum works school hours in a job she hates just to show that she works'.

user1471467016 · 05/02/2017 21:52

Re-read what you're wrote, about your 'friend' - then judge her. You don't need to justify yourself (though you have convinced me enough to reply to you)!

whathaveiforgottentoday · 05/02/2017 21:56

If you can afford it, why not especially as your DH works away sometimes. I'd love not to have to work although I probably prefer part time.
My kids would love me to be able to drop off and pick them up from school so they would love a SAHM.
Stop worrying what others think of you and enjoy it whilst your kids are still young.

GimmeeMoore · 05/02/2017 21:56

How is it an equal partnership if a man is wholly responsible for wage earning
The woman has no financial responsibilities and children are out house from 830 -400
Seems unbalanced relationship to have no means of earning and not equally contribute

Original poster
Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 22:02

Thanks for all your replies. Most of friends who work have husbands that are able to take their turn in child care. This isn't an option for me as my husband has been away the last 3 weeks. I would really like to contribute financially but I can't really see how I would be able to justify to employee the amount of time I would need to take off for illness and appointments. I notice another thread on this page discussing this issue. I must be doing something wrong as my house is far from immaculate but I am always doing jobs.

OP posts:
tovelitime · 05/02/2017 22:03

I do work but not full time and have no intention of ever working full time again. I have friends who are SAHM to school age children and that works for them, no need to justify it. I actually think it's better to be a SAHM mum to school age children than to pre schoolers. They need you so much more when they get older.

NoCleanClothes · 05/02/2017 22:04

GimmeeMoore

There is often no way of making it equal, if one partner works away the other is inevitably going to do far more childcare (and sick days etc.). Very few jobs (that would earn a significant increase to household income) would work within school hours (and only during term times). When people say "reliant on a man for income" they neglect that that man is also reliant on the woman for childcare. For me the point of marriage is that you can be reliant on each other. Have a contingency plan yes but it would be a pretty depressing situation to not be able to rely on a spouse.

Lunar1 · 05/02/2017 22:08

I was a sahm from after mat leave until ds2 started reception. He did a full nursery year before that. Now I run our joint business from home which gives me 100% flexibility.

While I was not working dh continued to pay my pension and put equal amounts into both of our savings, so I was as secure as anyone really can be.

His job just wouldn't work if we had to both take turns for time off when one of our dc was ill. Ds1 had tonsillitis 6 times last year, his patients would be pretty pissed of if he'd had to take of 50% of that time off.

As long as you and your husband are happy, sod everyone else.

Champers4Pampers · 05/02/2017 22:08

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. Who is making you feel lazy?

My DH works away for weeks at a time, I work part time. At the moment my wage barely covers nursery fees but it's not about the money it for my piece of mind and adult conversation. To be fair even if I was SAHM I still don't think my house would be immaculate or i'd ever see the bottom of my laundry basket. Either way you can't win!

If you and your family are happy with your situation then that's the main thing.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/02/2017 22:09

Children can and do get sick but it's not a reason to not work.

Children should believe they can have it all, not that they have to give it all up to become a parent simply because they are female and that only the boys work.

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme · 05/02/2017 22:10

No Clean Clothes

Exactly!

Original poster
Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 22:11

Yes I do all cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, kids home work, pets etc so I think our work is even. When Dh is away he will often be in his hotel room at 5 before an early evening swim before dinner. I on the other hand am running kids to clubs, cooking, listening to reading, and reading to them both and don't stop about 9:00 pm.

OP posts:
early30smum · 05/02/2017 22:14

I totally agree that there is not always a way to make it equal. Also, school hours are not actually that long when you factor in getting there and leaving work in time to pick them up. There are (a) not many jobs that allow you to work just school hours and term time only, and (b) plenty of jobs that pay much less than the cost of childcare, even if just before and after school, especially if you have to pay for childcare in the holidays. I completely understand why women choose not to go back to work if they are basically paying to work or working such long hours they don't see much of their kids.

Also, I know it is 2017, and men and women should be sharing household tasks, but as I said earlier, 2 parents working full time in full on jobs in my experience puts a HUGE strain on family life. We did it for a year and I was working as many if not more hours than DH and still doing all the food shopping, cooking, most of the washing etc. I really resented it. Now I work part time and DH works (very) full time and I resent it much less. However I am lucky in that my job is term time and mostly school hours although not always. If I had to go back to a job where childcare was more than I'd earn I wouldn't go back.

However, one thing I do find most annoying is SAHMs of school age children who claim to have 'no time'.

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme · 05/02/2017 22:21

I am a SAHM but luckily my husband earns a very good salary and is partner in a firm.
Yes I am financially dependent on him but so what? He is dependent onme for childcare, school runs and keeping on top of the house. We are a partnership. We are husband and wife. I worked full time for many years before my kids came along. My kids see me working hard all the time I'm just not 'employed'. My dc1 is in reception and my dc2 is not at school yet. I would like to go back to work part time eventually but financially I don't need to. I am happy that I can be there for school drop offand pick up and can make all the school things and appointments etc. School hours are hard to come by and i personally don't want a childminder picking up my kids from school especially if we can afford notto

Robstersgirl · 05/02/2017 22:21

You do what you need to. You are very fortunate that you are able to stay at home so people are probably jealous. As a mum of 5 I always say that when I finish work I go back to my job. Parenting is a job you don't get paid for.

elektrawoman · 05/02/2017 22:29

I am a SAHM because DH works long hours and it would have been quite stressful to juggle it all. A lot of the mums I know who work have family nearby who can help out when the DCs are ill, in holiday time etc; or their husband has a flexible job where they can work from home. Or they rely on help from other mums (usually the SAHMs!)

We don't have any family that can help and DHs job is not flexible at all. So we'd have been looking at getting a Nanny which would have used up all my salary.

I would actually like to work, but trying to find something that fits in with school hours, school hols etc is not easy. But yes I do feel I need to justify my decisions too.

PantyLiner · 05/02/2017 22:32

My kids are teens (well two are. the other will be this year). I have worked mostly throughout their lives. Hubby works away during the week and comes home for the weekend. To be honest it was bloody hard work trying to run a home, get the kids sorted, shopping. laundry, trying to find time off for appointments, sickness etc whilst trying to hold down a job. I have no family around to help.

I gave up work last year and can honestly say I don't miss it. I am a far calmer person and my kids benefit from me just being there when they need me - rather than "Mum I don't feel well" "Well you are going to have to go to school because I can't get time off work to take you to the doctors" and then feeling guilty because he has been packed off to school with me knowing he is not well....and then the inevitable call from school "Can you come and collect your child please? He's been sick. the rule is he wont be allowed to return to school for 48 hours". Then having to beg my boss to give me time off and then feel guilty because my colleagues are going to have to cover my work. Inevitably when one goes down with a tummy bug the other two will too.....sooo a week off because the kids are ill, a boss who is pissed off because I am unable to return to work, colleagues who are resentful and me stressed to the hilt!

Its much easier to stay home. And you really don't have to watch Jeremy Kyle ;)

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 22:34

I would love to be a stay at home mum! I'd love to do voluntary work and get on committees and do what I wanted to instead of working for money.

I don't think you should have to justify yourself to anyone. It is between you and your dh.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 22:34

(And I have a part-time job which I mostly love!)

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 05/02/2017 22:37

If your happy, then surely that's fine? I'm a SAHM and have been since our eldest was born 19 years ago. I'm very happy, my kids are happy, my DH is happy. Most of my friends work. They're all happy, All their kids are happy too. What is best for you and your family is what works. No one else's opinion matters really.

bunnylove99 · 05/02/2017 22:38

YANBU. I don't think you are necessarily spoilt or lazy and you don't need to justify your family arrangements to anyone. You are also contributing to community life with your PTA stuff etc. I'd say relax and enjoy it!

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 22:39

GimmeeMoore you are judging someone else's marriage and life by your own inner model of what is right and fair, I presume. But if the OP is genuinely happy with this (are you OP?) and her dh is too, what is the problem?

Lots of work done by women is low paid, part-time and fits around school drop offs and pick ups etc. If a woman has a good or enjoyable job it is great but just working outside the home, perhaps in something low paid and unexciting, how is that beneficial if the family do not need the money?